Narcissist final discard.
That’s when they dump you and cut you off.
It can be as cold as ice, a shock to the system. It hurts.
You wonder:
How can they go from such an intensity to this sudden cruel rejection and silence?
Worse, they may be all loved up with a new partner around. Showing off how happy they are on Social Media.
Rubbing it in your face, pouring salt into your wounds.
Did he (or she) ever love me?
It hurts, I know. But think of it another way. You’ve dodged a bullet, trust me.
Narcissist final discard
It’s not about you. It will never be. It’s about how you make them feel.
If you are no longer supplying what they need, they’ll discard you. Like a vampire, they need someone new upon which to feed.
So, they move onto the next person they can suck on. Find a new supply.
That is, someone who feeds their ego and fragile self-esteem more than you now do.
Who will focus all their attention and energy on them. Put them and their needs above their own.
Isolate themselves from family and friends. Stroke them, soothe them, tell them they are wonderful.
Prove their worthy of their love. Forgive them anything, even abusive behaviour. And more….
Most of all, someone who will put the narcissist above themselves no matter what. The narcissist’s needs are paramount.
It’s a parasitic relationship. It always was.
Narcissistic abuse
You were just unaware why they targeted you in the first place.
As someone they detected was easy to manipulate. For their love bombing, at the start, was intoxicating.
It lulled you into a false sense of security. You felt safe.
They fooled you into thinking they’re the perfect person to fulfil your needs.
Tell you you’re everything they’ve been looking for. Everything they need. And in a way you are. For a while.
They put you on a pedestal. They may even believe you are the perfect person for them. But their neediness is insatiable.
Narcissistic false self
Their deep, inner shame so great, they must keep running from facing it. Hiding from their pain.
Feeding the False Self they’ve created is the only way to escape facing themselves. They do that through you.
Every time you change your behaviour to keep them happy.
Or shift your goal posts when they crash through your boundaries, you are feeding them.
They put you on a pedestal so high they start to fear you can’t live up to the unwritten rules they’ve set. They push you and test you.
Will you put up with this behaviour? Yes? Then how about this? Okay? Then, this?
Crash, crash, crash – your boundaries fall. Their behaviour gets worse. Abusive even.
Then one day you question them, call them out on it. It triggers their deepest fears.
You have found them out and can now see them for who they really are.
The real them they’re hiding from, behind their False Self. Worse, that you’ll leave them and they’ll lose their supply.
Narcissist devalue
The more you do this, the greater their fear. They start to devalue and degrade you. Push you away before you leave them.
Look at you! No one will ever love you like I do.
There’ll be nasty putdowns.
They’ll use things you’ve shared in vulnerable moments as weapons now to hurt you.
Accuse you of doing things that they are, like having affairs.
It will make you feel insecure. Needy of them, wanting them to tell you they love you again.
Gaslighting
You change your behaviour, desperate to prove you are worthy enough.
They act as if nothing has happened and it’s rosy again. Convince you, you have exaggerated it all in your head.
Once you’re down, they feel safe again, the nice side can come out for a little while. This may go in a cycle. Round and round.
The nice, love-bomber appears. Then the nasty one usurps them. Nice, nasty, nice, nasty – it tears down your self-esteem.
It’s an intermittent reinforcement. They show you enough of their loving side to convince you that’s the real them.
You crave that high that you got when they love bombed you at the start.
The less you get it now, the more you need it. It makes you stay and then put up with more when the abusive side reappears. That’s all they care about. That they can manipulate you to remain as their supply.
Narcissist supply
Supply can mean both positive and negative things.
It can that you stroke their ego, tells them how wonderful they are. That you see the real them, even though they’ve had a troubled past.
You’ll do anything to help them change. Everything for them, even changing your behaviour.
Instead of making them accountable for theirs. You’ll forgive them when they hurt you.
Or supply can also be the power they feel from abusing you and crippling your self-esteem. Isolating you from your support network of family and friends.
To the point where they control you and depend on them for everything. It makes them feel powerful and good.
But, at some point, something will give. You’ll wake up one day and smell the coffee, like I did.
See through their lies, realise you deserve better. They’ll sense they’re losing control over you and discard you before you leave them.
Or, they’ll figure they’re not be getting enough of what they need from you. Like a drug they need more. More than you can give.
Or, they’ll get bored of you. They need a stronger, newer supply. They go in search of them.
Usually, they will have identified this person up well before they discard you.
Or, you’ve worked them out and left them. Someone who can’t see through their bullshit (yet). Who will worship and adore them like you once did.
They line up their next supply. Then cut you off cold.
That is painful, I know. You can’t understand what has happened. You think:
What have I done?
Nothing. Apart from, possibly, getting stronger.
Narcissist moves on
Your response at first will be shock and hurt. Then you see them on Social Media with their new squeeze and it’s like a knife to the heart.
They look happy. He’s (or she’s) having the fun you wanted to, but never could have with them. You think:
What has she (or he) got that I don’t have? Maybe it was me that caused our problems, like he said?
Get rid of that thought. It’s not going to help you. As hard and painful as it is, you need to let go of him and his new relationship.
He (or she) hasn’t changed. They’re just feeding off a new supply, one that will end up like you did. Abused and / or discarded later down the track.
Think of it this way. As I said, you have dodged a bullet. You are now free of him (or her).
Had you left them it would have been worse. They could be hoovering you, threatening to kill themselves.
Stalking you – (75% of murders or injuries happen as you go to leave or soon after you’ve left a violent partner).
They’ll do anything to get you back. And they’ll ramp up the intensity of this, to the point it’s almost impossible to stay strong.
Even if they’ve discarded you, they may still hoover you.
They feel the need to keep you dangling just enough to satisfy them and be a Plan B if their new supply fails.
After weeks or months of no contact you may receive a random, out-of-the-blue text:
How are you? I miss you
Wham! It hits you like a punch in the stomach.
Having discarded and slammed the North Wall gates on you, they switch the heat back on.
Zzzzzzzzz ……….
That Hoover sucks you back in. Takes you instantly back to that craving and desperate longing you have for Mr (or Ms) Charming. You think:
Maybe this time they’ll come back for good?
Especially as they now sound like they need you more than ever.
You feel guilty and sorry for them even. You forget about the woman (or man) they ditched you so cruelly for.
Don’t let them pull you back. Their discarding you has spared you, believe me.
The longer you stay with their manipulation, the harder it is to leave. You will end up a shell of yourself, if you aren’t already.
You’ll forever be chasing the high of a fantasy relationship. With a fantasy man (or woman) that doesn’t and will never exist.
Be happy you are out of that toxic relationship. It will never lead to a lifetime of happiness.
Don’t feel jealous of the other person they left you for. They may look so happy now, you wish it was you.
But they’re in the love-bombing phase like you once were.
Pretty soon your abusive ex will start to devalue and degrade them as well. The pattern will repeat.
I’d feel sorry for their new partner, if anything. But, grateful it’s not you whose with your narcissistic ex.
Feeding off a new supply is proof they’re never going to change.
Focus on you now. Get help and support to know you deserve better.
Reach out to those family and friends you’ve become isolated from. Get dressed up, go out.
Even if you don’t feel like it. It’s time to live again.
It will hurt for a while. I know, I’ve been there. But, I’ve also come out the other end and thrived.
Be thankful you are out of there. Parasites can only ever leave you as a dry husk of yourself.
Be grateful they are sucking someone else dry as their supply. Not you.
It’s time for you to heal and find YOU again.
Have you been discarded by a narcissist? Let me know in the comments below.
This is a great video..however I would like a video on living with a functioning alcholic…I have asked a few times regarding this topic..I would like hear ur comments.. tks very much.
Thanks so much for your email. I’ll add this one to my list. Do you go to Al-anon? It was a life-saver for me. It’s for friends and families of alcoholics and was brilliant support.
I would find that topic interesting as well. I’m amazed how many times I’ve heard abuser and alcoholic in the same statement. Thank you!
Thanks for letting me know!
I was recently discarded for embarrassing my narcissistic wife in public. I unleased the rath of hell! Narcissistic rage like I have never witnessed in my life time! She then filed a false PFA, & had me evicted out of my own home! I never knew what narcissism was till my counselor turned me on to it. Wow it’s incredible how someone can tell you how much they love you the week before, and then show so much hatred towards a husband of 7 years whom waited on her like a princess??? It totally blows my mind how sadistic & evil they can turn on a dime with zero emphathy….. I’m up at my mother’s house balling my eyes out & she is just dum dide do, like nothing has happened….. Wow????????
Sorry to hear that and yes, they can be cold and nasty. I’m glad you are seeing a counsellor and getting support. It’s important to focus on you and your needs and understanding codependency.
You are Amazing, truly the friend i wish i have with me. The way You have portrayed this man is just like my story, i think i am going crazy but then i received your e-mail, he is now asking me for Money that he knows i havent got to leave……
You are not going crazy and whatever you do, don’t give him any money. Stay strong.
It hurts but this has been the last 15 years of my life.
Vivian, thank you for this article. Ive been struggling to understand what happened in my last relationship and how it feels like i never existed to her. This article covers all her behavioural traits. I can now see the fog of confusion lifting.
Thank you x
Thanks for your kind feedback. I’m so glad it’s been helpful to you.
Thank you for this article ! My ex fiancé discarded me 2 weeks ago and told me “I didn’t have much to offer” & “we were raised differently”. It’s the biggest battle in my head wondering if I could have offered more or if its his narcissistic ways ? I’m beyond confused.
Sorry to hear this. What an awful thing to say, as if you need to ‘offer’ him something in the first place. You deserve better.
I was discarded last week after a three year relationship. The first year was great but then this past year, he was hot and cold to me and seeing other people (we live apart) and making sure that I saw evidence of his texts and other girlfriends. Feeling very jealous and upset, I had asked to talk to him about it but he refused. After a blow up in which he said I triggered some prior experience, we then spent a week on a lovely vacation. He just had moved into a new home and had given me a key, saying I can’t wait to see you in my new house. And a week later, he tells me he doesn’t want to see me anymore and his feelings for me were mixed. Any attempt to understand what happened has been met with rage.
You deserve way better than this. He will not change his behavior and it will likely get worse if you move into his new house. Try to focus on you now and get help and support to break this cycle of abuse. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I just got discarded yesterday after rekinling with an ex boyfriend from highschool. I quit my job of 24 years and flew to the opposite end of the earth, New Zealand, to be with him. I came back to the states and he followed about 5 months later. We lived together for a year here in the states. He had an on going connection to his ex wife, back and forth from her town to mine and out of the blue decided he had obligations and needed to be back at their home. Because she had just been laid off, he said the house was falling apart and that it was still his investment so he needed to go and fix it anad it would take months. He basically told me that I had no sympathy for what he was going through and I was stressing him out majorly. Since he had been back, his dad died and mom was diagnosed with dementia and he was unemployeed and working on his PHD. NO INCOME. I have supported us for the last year with my retirement acct from the job I left. I am unemployeed as well. So, he just packed all his stuff and left out of the blue yesterday like it was nothing. I am dying inside.
I know it’s hard and it hurts right now but please try to focus on you and not him. What about your needs? It doesn’t sound to me like they were considered much by him or you. Put you first now. Do one nice thing for yourself every day. Reach out to trusted friends for support and take one day at a time. If you need more help and support to get through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
After 16 years he sent me a text saying he was bored. Met someone , they hit it off, are dating and he is happy. He threw me away like the trash he treated me like. When I am not feeling sad and hurt, I am grateful. Throwing me away was the nicest thing he has ever done.
That’s so harsh. Stay strong and don’t look back. You deserve better.
My ex gf discarded me for the second time. Almost like she was in this cycle copy paste. It really blows my mind. The first time was after 3 years. I literally tried to be the best boyfriend n did everything I could for her. A week before she brokeup. A week before our 3 year anaversary.she stoped answering my calls n started to ditch me. Then she brokeup and her feelings shut off instantly. The very next day she had a picture of her n the new guy as her profile picture. I was shocked. I even went over to talk about this. She had a picture of her n him on the night stand. They only met a month before. But it was like she wanted me to see it n like she got a thrill out of seeing me broken. I waited heart broken for 6 months. Then she came back n said you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. I took her back. But she wasn’t the same. She got mad at everything I did. Like I wasnt good enough. Finally years later she became herself again. We even had a baby. But then after her anger came back. Fighting. Finding any reason to be mad. She brokeup again. Instant shut off feelings. But this time she cut off her whole family and anyone who called her out and judged her. N I found out she was talking to another guy again. But nothing happened because I caught her and I think it scared him off. Now she’s in this self destruct mode selling everything. Not paying bills partying being really reckless n fake. 8 years I invested. I should of let her go the first time. I guess one thing I never learnt growing up is fake love. I thought once you felt love it was there for ever on both ends. But I was wrong.
It is fake love. Try to focus on yourself now as you deserve better than this. You can’t change her, but you can change you.
Hi Vivian, I was discarded after a short term relationship with a female narcissist that was actually married. Triangulated me, love bombed me, discarded me and now has a new supply. And she’s still married. I unfortunately was “punished” when I said something I didn’t like. She blocked me on all media even her phone number. It’s hard to deal with by how she reprogrammed my brain. Do you hear stories of narc ex’s attempting to Hoover even though they have blocked prior sources?
I was discarded on Saturday after three years in which he refused to label me claiming he wasn’t ready for a commitment but all the feelings etc were there . He cheated several times and denied my existence to other women or told them I was a platonic friend and he found me unattractive .
After a meal out in which he told me how much I meant to him he then ignored me for a week before calling to say it was over as he was starting a relationship with a family friend and that he realised there had been no spark between us and told me he didn’t give a damn about me .
As I always say: watch not what they say but what they do. Narcissists are full of s***! They talk the talk but never walk the walk. You have dodged a bullet. Find someone whose actions match their words.
Hi Vivian – Finding your article has helped me so. I was discarded about 24 hours ago. Been in a relationship with a narc for 4 years – wouldn’t publicly claim me but had me under his complete control. About a month ago he told me he was seeing a therapist and that he had been given orders not to talk to me for the time being. Told me he still loved me more than ever and that this wouldn’t last. The other night in the middle of the night a get a call from his phone and a woman asked me who I was and was I his “woman”. I told her yes and he started yelling in the background that he had told me and that I was completely lying that I knew who she was and that I just wouldn’t go away.
The following 12 hours were horrific. She called and we talked to 3 hours. He is love bombing her and telling her everything he told me. She left him but I feel confident she will be back. She’s already addicted to him.
I blocked him on my phone and every social media option. I am done but now I want him out of my mind!!! I’ve had such feelings of self-loathing. Why did I give this man so much mental and emotional real estate? He was cheating on me the whole time come to find out.
Please don’t be hard on yourself and blame yourself. You have found the courage to block him which is exactly what you should do. Go Cold Turkey as the more you are exposed to his manipulation the greater the risk you will be pulled back into the cycle of abuse. Emotional abuse involves blaming you for his behaviour, stripping you of your self-esteem so he can control you. You are not to blame and you deserve better. Please consider getting help and support as it is hard to break this cycle alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I also have an online video course that will help you to understand what happened in the relationship, why you feel sorry for him and fear the future. How you can break that intense pull back and not go back. Or into another abusive or addictive relationship. How to turn your life around and go on to find healthy love. You can find out more here: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/
Was in a marriage with a Narc for 11 years! He cheated on me and left me to pursue other women about 7 times. Not only cheat but move in with them, and begin actively dating them. After every time he would come back and make me feel on top of the world for a little while. This past time I caught him cheating again… This time he found a woman who was also in a marriage. They filed for divorce together and moved in together. He blames me and says I pushed him away and also defaming my character claiming that I cheated on him multiple times which NEVER occurred. Problem is- we have 3 children. I cannot go cold Turkey because I still have to talk to him regarding our children. He now wants to introduce the kids to his new “love”. I often have thoughts of – was it me? Is he actually happy now? How can I move on without going Cold Turkey because I will have to deal with him forever due to the kids.
hello JessHaw,
i am in exactly the same situation as you are. was marrierd for ten years, two children. was discarded 9 mont ago by telling me that my love is not enough for him. he doesent need my 40 percent he wants a woman that gives 100 percent. he already found this woman long before he discarded me, but waited long enough to be sure that she is a good supply before he finally kicked me out. I also found out he had other affairs during our marriage. I recognized nothing. I was living in a pink bubble, happy to have a cute family, sweet kids and a very successfull husband. some things were strange to me but I always ignored my thoughts by telling myself not to be so unthankful. I had to leave our house, had to take kids out of school and kindergarten, away from their friends…. he throws away a loving family for getting more supply and pink post its on the mirror. still cannot believe it and I still have to cooperate with him because of the kids. Have you found a way? please answer me…. greetings and a hug from L
The best thing to do now is to focus on yourself and healing you. He won’t change and will do the same to this next woman. It’s sad and difficult I know as it was a bolt from the blue and a shock but try to work on you now. Your self-esteem, self-worth. You deserve better. I thought I’d add this link too: Emotional wounds are where the light enters you: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-wounds/
Yes, you have won and are better off now. Stay strong.
Hi Vivian, I was in a relationship at least I thought I was for five years. I adore this man and I thought I could fix him. I realize now you can’t help someone who does not want to change. Everytime I tried to address issues in the relationship I was the bad guy or overreacting because I was on my period. Those are his words. Last year he cheated on me and he never admitted but I know. (Woman’s intuition ) I found things and questioned him. His stories never added up. This one girl in particular he blocked from everything on social. She even requested me and I told him and he said she was drama and crazy. He suggested I ignore. A few days later she committed sucide. Supposedly, this whole time he had her blocked she was sending him messages that she was hurt and needed to talk. She even sent him a picture of the gun before she took her life. He didn’t get these messages supposedly until he unblocked her. I told him it was over and this was too much to bare. We had been planning a vacation the next week. He was still interested in going and I couldn’t because I felt so sick. I tried to distant myself from him but he was threathing sucide. I ended up staying and held on to this and it only made me angry. Towards the end of the year I told him I felt different I loved him but not in a intimate way. I wanted to be friends if possible. He told me things could change that he would work hard on rebuilding our love. He prove to me he loved me. I decided to let go of the past and forgive him and move forward. I did all of this and it really seemed like he genuinely cared. I felt maybe he realized he could be better for us. Everything was good again we took a trip and he was so caring now more than before. Time goes by and things change suddenly he’s back to his old ways. I feel something is different but he ignores my attempts to talk. One night he messages I do love you and always will. It felt like he was trying to tell me something so I asked again and nothing. A few days later he says he wants to see me later that evening. When I message I’m on my way he says he’s drinking with buddies. I tell him I thought we were going to talk. Said he just wanted to see me that’s all. That night after drinking with the buddies I message and ask are you okay. He reads it and no response I then say what’s wrong again nothing. Next day I tell him hey I messaged you last and you never responded. His response was I know. I told him if he felt something he should say it and stop avoiding it. I told him I had always been honest and never hid anything. I told him I felt something was off and if he didn’t feel the same for me I respect that. He said he didn’t want to talk now he wanted to wait until I was off my period. Which would be Saturday. I told him that didn’t mean anything and why keep putting something off. He finally asked you want to know and I said yes. He goes “I’m breaking up with you happy, because I’m not and I didn’t want to break up.” Says he wanted to talk Saturday about some concerns and wanted to address them together. He goes on to say he does not deserve this. He says I love you and always will call me if there is a emergency. I ask if he’ll help with the accounts he’s used in my name to make purchases. He says no that will be my gift to him for denying him like I did before. I said if you want to talk so bad let’s talk tonight. He says no he’s going out with friends and if I go to his home I’ll just be sitting on the curb all night. I told him we didn’t need to talk anymore that I wasn’t going to wait till Saturday at his convenience. He said he was going to block me from everything except text. He wouldn’t make that same mistake twice. Also this was just a few days before my birthday he said I literally f—– it up. He blocks me from everything and texts he loves me and always will and don’t forget to call if there’s any emergencies. Also focus on me, work and school. I leave it at that and days go by and he wishes me happy birthday. I don’t respond because his actions don’t match his words. Don’t act like you care when you don’t. The next day he texted sorry this happened and he loves me. I didn’t respond.. a few more days go by and he’s suddenly in a relationship on social media. Yet the five years we were together he could never change his status. People he knew that wanted to wish him harm would try to get to me. He also said I needed to earn this previledge he asked for me to promise my soul and I said no. It’s not mine to give it’s God’s. Reading everything I’m writing I now realize this was all toxic I did dodge a bullet. I didn’t understand why he had to keep saying he loved me. Probably to keep me as a backup in case his new supply fell through.
You have certainly dodged a bullet and deserve way better than this emotionally abusive treatment. Focus on you and your healing now. Try to build your self-esteem as high as you can so you never accept anything less than you deserve.
Thank you for this article Vivian. I recently had a baby with someone I now realize is an absolute narcissist. I have been married to him for 8 years, I also have a 3 year old with him. I had a difficult time at the end of this pregnancy, and had a harder time recovering after the birth, which of course meant less attention for him. Overall it was what I would consider a normal situation after someone has a baby though. When my baby was two weeks old, he started giving me the silent treatment after yet another one of his fits of rage because of some random thing. When I had finally scheduled an appointment with a marriage therapist when my baby was 9 weeks old, he used it as the time to tell me he wants a divorce, that arguing in front of our son breaks his heart (which is actually him following me through the house berating me, threatening me, etc.) that we aren’t compatible, that I don’t love military history like he does, etc. I am in the process of packing everything up in the house and will need to live in a small bedroom with my 3 year old and baby at my parents, while he gets to stay in our big empty house by himself. I go back and forth between feeling a sense of relief at finally being able to get away from him, and then wondering what I did wrong, not to mention the devastation at knowing he does not care enough to see his baby every day and watch her grow. Your article helps me to get out of that way of thinking, and helps me to see that better things will come now that I, (and my children), will finally be free.
I too left with a small baby and it was hard. But that sense of freedom and knowing my son would not grow up seeing abuse as normal was what kept me going. I wanted to break the cycle. You did nothing wrong as you are not responsible for another adult’s behavior. Keep focusing on your and your children and creating a safe and happy life now. It will get better I promise. Never look back.
I’m sorry, Vivian, I have to disagree with you there. There is no sense of freedom, there is just heartbreak when you have a child with someone like that. Your kid and my kid did not chose that. We also in a way didn’t. We didn’t know. But the guilt is there. I am very upset when I hear things like “Be thankful he left”, “Be happy he is out of your kids life”. I would be thankful and happy if I had never entered a relationship with someone like that. We need to call it as it is. Pure devastation. If we are going to learn a lesson, thrive after all this, etc, great. But it’s like saying we are going to be happy we got a lump sum from the airline after our husband died in a plane crash. It comes from pain and it is pain. Please stop trying to sugarcoat it.
I’m sorry you feel that way Loula and for what you are going through. I hope that someday in the future you can heal from this and find serenity.
Yes and no… I got hit by that bullet, unfortunately more than once. It took many , come back/go away’s before the final Bullet. I had no idea what was coming, she was was always 10 steps ahead.
Even then I was Hoovered… “are you ok?” It is maddening. Going no contact was like shutting the hatch on a sinking ship. It was a terrible experience. I was convinced I was with my soul mate and best friend… O how wrong I was.
Thank you for helping us through the recovery. It is so confusing . I’m at a year of no contact and you’re right, it get’s better. Slowly…
I’m hoping this next year is easier. Please keep writing and helping those in this mess, it really helps
Cheers
That’s a brilliant description: ‘like shutting the hatch on a sinking ship’. The guilt you feel is incredible, I know. It is so confusing as that is how they need you to be. Confused and walking on eggshells. They derive power from keeping you off balance, never knowing what to expect next. I’m so glad you’ve found freedom now. It will get easier, I promise as leaving that sinking ship is one of the hardest first steps and then getting through the next few months and staying strong the next. Thanks for your kind words of support too. Stay strong and remember if you ever did go back you’d drown.
I’m two months out of a love bomber narcissistic relationship. She replaced me with my best friend because “I wasn’t what she needed”. It was completely out of the blue for me. I thought I had met the perfect person. My soulmate. I realize now how much of myself I gave. She made it seem as though she was supportive and kind. But when the mask slipped and she had her narcissistic break I saw the real person. I was devalued and discarded and replaced. She immediately started posting pictures of her and her new supply (my best friend). I cut FB off before she started because I knew that’s exactly what she would do. I’m thankful that I have a supportive family, one of which is a Dr. in psychology and was able to help me see what was really going on which helped me cut off all contact with her sooner than later. I’m still recovering from all the mental exhaustion and confusion this all has caused me. I’m trying to stay grounded in reality and not the fantasy of it all. I have good days and bad but I get stronger everyday. Not only have I lost the person I thought was the love of my life but I’ve lost a dear friend.
I’m so sorry for the delay in responding but I’ve had trouble accessing my site. You have found incredible strength and courage and I am so glad you have supportive family around you to ground you and see it for what it is. Recovery takes time and you will feel like you go one step forward, 3 backwards at times. But keep going and never look back. No contact is the way to go. Sorry you have lost your friend in the process too. You deserve better.
I’ve just been discarded. We had a fight where I had proved to him he said something he claimed he didn’t say. I suppose that my unwillingness to get away with that made him sense that I was getting stronger because in turned into him telling me it was over and kicking me out on the street. He’d already destroyed my home business by ridiculing me out of it and knowing I had no income, wasn’t at all concerned I’d be homeless. We had been talking about moving to a new state together a week prior, and all excited and loving. Then a week later, screaming in my face that I had only been renting a room from him and not his partner. I moved out yesterday. I’m pretty sure now that I look back, he has been grooming a new supply. I won’t be surprised if he has new photos up on social media by the end of the week and that the new 4 x 6 frame I saw on the kitchen counter was bought for a picture of them on his work desk. He has systematically destroyed every aspect of my life. This article is wonderful. I’m both so sad this happens to us and extremely glad for the support. Thank you.
I am sorry to hear this but so glad you can see it for what it is now. Also that you have found the strength and courage to leave. Stay strong. Get help and support to break the cycle – in that you don’t go straight into another abusive relationship and repeat the pattern, which until you focus on healing you is at risk of happening. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
He has systematically destroyed every aspect of my life.
You nailed it. I’m sorry that you did by the way. Only someone that fell victim of this knows how it is. I’m so tired of people asking me questions like I ‘m on a “normal” divorce. And he keeps on doing crazy thing after crazy thing and they still don’t get it.
“But he will NEVER do that to the mother of his children!”
“How come you’re still so sad and hadn’t move on?”
“How come he asked for a divorce and still 3 years later keeps on making things harder and harder?”
How come? What part of he is a psycopath you still hadn’t understand. And the more covert, the worse it is.
It is really tough when people outside can’t see what is happening or believe us. The abuser also often wages a smear campaign, telling everyone they are the victim, which doesn’t help either.
I too was discarded and had the door locks changed on July 20th. Almost exactly the same thing you went through, I went back and now discarded again, its good to see I am not alone and there good people being used and left near death, but they pick strong characters them narcs, we will shine brighter then the darkness they cast over us.,
I have discarded my narc ex boyfriend 2 weeks ago , I played his game, we was friends for 4 years then dated for 3 years , the first year was great , the second year was normale but this last year was horrible he used the silent treatment for 6 months is was so heart breaking for me without any clear reason , when I decided to move on and start afresh , he came back and started love bombing me again I believed he has changed then after 2 weeks he came back to his old behaviours of ignoring me and when I ask for expalanations he confesses that he is a psychopath …I regained my power and when he devaluatd me I left him for good waiting for me at home …10 days later he came back begging for a second chance hahahaha 😂😂 I took him back and was acting like an angel ..when he wanted to see me at home I left him waiting again … I hope he will never come back again I don’t wanna see his face ..
Try to stay strong Elizabeth. You are better off out of this relationship and the emotional cycle of abuse.
I dated a woman for almost two and a half years after she split with her husband. In the beginning it was amazing, She was sweet and caring and loving. The divorce was made final a few months into our relationship and she started going hot and cold and breaking up and making up saying she’s not ready, but she kept starting things up again every time. I started realizing she cheated every now and again using excuses like I knew she wanted a husband but then coming back and saying how much she loves me. She told people she wanted to move to get away from me in November and then asked me if she could move in with me in December. She then cheated in January and came back a few days later after cutting herself (self harming). 3 months ago she told me she loved me so much and that I am her best friend but she was going on a date the following day. I didn’t really react and the following day she started sending my best friend the most horrible texts about me. Saying that I have been obsessed with her for 2 years, that she was only sleeping with me because she felt sorry for me. Later she said it was only when she was drunk. She sent me a text later that day breaking things off and then blocked me everywhere. I saw her a few days later and she said she loved me so much etc and unblocked me, only to block me again the following day. She made contact a month later wanting her stuff back immediately. Never heard from her again and she never got her stuff either. She has been dating someone from right after we broke up and looks real happy. I have been having such a tough time trying to understand all of this. It’s been hell…
Hi Mia, sorry for the delayed response but I had site issues. I can understand how that felt and it makes zero sense, I know. In fact, you’ll never make sense of it, so I hope you can try to take your focus away from her now and pour that energy into you. She will repeat this pattern in the next relationship, as happy as it looks from the outside. I would say you have dodged a bullet. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Yes I’m abused by a narcissist bf and now in a guilt and regret and feeling so much miserable of my own thoughts to get back the old me who’s living life please help me he discarded me and said I’m a bad person u never gave a peace to me you never been a good character as a person you have so many affairs and all shit even he cheated on me now he blames me he tried to take a proof on me but I didn’t gave him a chance to do that so he discarded me m feeling so worst help me.out Please
I’m sorry for my delayed response, but I was unable to access my site. Please understand that you are not to blame for his actions or behavior. You have no reason to feel guilt and you deserve better. This has nothing to do with you not giving him a chance. Saying you are going to change and actually putting in the hard work required to do so are two different things. As long as he is blaming you then he will never change. I know this hurts but you are better off out of this relationship. Please try now to focus on YOU, not him. That is the only way to heal.
Thank ypu for the article. I dont even know where to start. Ive been dating my BF for 2 years. About 5 months ago i sold my house and moved in with him. 2 weeks ago he kicked me out. We fought and i still dont know why. I ran to Target, came back and it was a whole different person. He then created a pros and cons list about me. It was disgustingly horrible. The cons were so delusional or things he did to me. Now his ex wife is involved and making up lies that he says i now betrayed him. Im still at the house until mid September and trying to find the courage to pack all my items. This is basically the whole house. I now have to move into an apartment and idk why. I have fought for 2 weeks almost 3 to fix this and try to save the relationship. he told me and showed me he didnt think i was worth it. He has gone to his friends and family and made me seem horrible. I havent stopped crying since it happened. I have a hard time working and getting myself to do anything. I became attached to his son and his dog. I still love him dearly and yet feel so lost. He told me that i should face it that im not good enough for anyone. my heart breaks even as i type this.
I’m sorry to hear of what you are going through. Please get help and support to break away from this man. This relationship will not lead to happiness and the emotional abuse will only get worse. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Hi Vivian,
Thanks for your post. I was just discarded by the guy recently.
We were in an affair for 10years. After shortly after his divorce, we had a huge fight and the relationship trail off. 3 months later, he started a new relationship. And now 7 months into his current relationship, I tried to ask if he is willing to come back. He is determined for us not to start an affair, but he was alright for us to be intimate and have sex. And then finally discarded me when I completely broke down, knowing I am not able to get him back.
He is not contacting me at all and I miss him so much, like my heart is broken into pieces. Am seeing a psychologist and he term this guy as a narcissist. So reading your article help comfort me. Thank you.
I’m glad it’s helpful to you and that you are getting help and support.
Omg! Thank you for this! After being with my kids father for 7 years, I finally regained enough of myself and my strength to leave. The incessant cheating, web of lies, and absolute selfishness broke my very soul. I’d began moving on, but hoping he’d grow up magically only to find him in a grocery store with the same woman I caught him cheating with…..OFF COMES THE BANDAGE! Months of healing seemingly undone as they are both so happy! He’s even moved her into the house that was built for us (I called it quits shortly before it was complete.) I’m broken. But then I see this and it all makes sense. No offense to the girl he’s with, I don’t know her and remain objective, but she’s younger, drives a banged up car and dresses shabbily. He’s rich- so he’s going to seduce her with money and that’s how he charms us. But I still can’t help but feel abandoned. My children and I. Yet he keeps making this my fault as if I hurt him when I know I didn’t. Blaming ME for leaving when I literally had no choice but to stand up for myself no longer willing to accept the foolishness. I deserved better! My children deserved BETTER! And I know in time, I will be ok, but today, I can’t help but bear the cross of this hurt, failure and heartache because I literally gave him all that I had to give to someone. Where is the JUSTICE!
I know how you feel Moe and it hurts. Try to stay strong and know this – he may look happy in this new relationship but he will not have changed. Sadly, this girl will end up just like you. You deserve better and your children do too. If you need help and support I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Hi ! I’m suffering so much and trying my hardest to be strong and get help. My husband and I are in a text book. I have checked eveything off on my list. I left three time with my daughter drove one hour away to get her to school. Then lived in a hotel for two months. Then he begs for me to come back the. He said for me to go to the home. I said only if you leave or help me in an apartment since I was never able to work have friends etc. he said to come home so since I asked him to leave he lied me two weeks agai now going crazy . Blocks me broke everything in my Housr hates me and acts like he doesn’t care. I just want to be normal with him bc we shares a daughter . He loves me or wants me dead. I read all day for a year I’m trying so hard why can’t i wake up and say no one treats me like this and hate him. I have been abused in every everyt single way
I’m so sorry and I know how hard this is Lee. I would urge you to get help and support as this is so hard to break alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Hi I was also discarded by my ex girlfriend she did the same thing to me from the very start of our 4 year relationship love bombing devalue discard and then she kicked me out of her house with my two young kids and strung me along for another three months when I went over to get the last of my things she already had new supply and was following the exact same steps she did with me it kills me honking they are happy
They may look happy Kevin and she will make out that it is this way. But she won’t have changed and the next guy will soon experience what you did. Focus on you now, as you deserve better.
Having read all of the experiences shared here, it makes me so angry how anyone can do this to us.
I was discarded 7 weeks ago. Thankfully the cycle from start to finish only lasted 10 weeks. He knew i was onto him, as he was charming, but then started to ask me for money, as i understood him like no one else did. 750 euros later. I challenged him , even gave his number to my lawyer about the money, wow, was that a kick in the face for him, but also a shock to me when I saw the rage in his face. Then devalued, name calling me, threatening me, saying he will hunt me down. Foolish me started to feel bad. I contacted him . More abuse and threats. I have gone no contact now. Well dangerous. He’s told me he will lock me up , just be patient. Scary.
It is scary and I am so glad you saw him for what he was. Stay safe and if he threatens you at all, please document it all and report it.
Yes I was discarded 1,5 years ago and I still cannot let it go. He did it over a message with a few words saying “it’s over, goodbye” and then he and his entire family blocked me on all social media. I didn’t know what happened until today and have a strong urge to understand why even though I know it was just a discard and the whole relationship was fake. Nevertheless I am struggling with letting it go. Every time I experience hardship in my life I have an urge to write him an email (the only thing he didn’t block). How can I move on and let go of the need to understand why I was discarded so brutally?
I know how hard it is. In part, we hold onto the fantasy image of them and are desperate for that back. In part, we long for the closure we never got or will get. These might help you:
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Closure in relationships: 10 ways to stay strong when there is none: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/closure-in-relationships/
How to move on: letting go of someone you love: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/how-to-move-on/
Self-worth: why self-esteem and self-love matter: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/self-worth/
I am currently trying to break free of the toxic hold my narc ex has me under. We have been together over 4 years and he has cheated on me multiple times but always came back to me later saying he loves me. I know a complete lie and I shoulda stayed away then. Now we have Been on and off this past year and he is holding onto my money as a way to stay connected. He knows he can manipulate me bc I have false hope he will change. So this leaves the door open for communication. He will beg me back, I say no at first then of course we try again and less than a week later he will emotionally withdraw and when I get upset say my expectations are too high and he’s trying. I’m trying so hard to remove him permanently from my life but he won’t let me go it’s a constant game.
Hi Alicia, I know how tough this is to break the cycle. It’s important you do though as the abuse will get worse. I hope these posts help:
Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Can a narcissist change?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-a-narcissist-change/
Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Hi Vivian, my girlfriend and me have a baby daughter of 11 months old.
She split up with me while I was travelling to my sisters wedding.
She has blocked my phone number and has blocked me on social media too, which has stopped me having any contact with my daughter while I’m away.
I have done nothing to hurt her to justify no contact with my daughter which breaks my heart.
I’m hoping when I get back home I can speak to her civilly.
Can you please give me any advice?
Kind regards
Kam
I’m so sorry to hear this as it must be devastating. Legally she can’t stop you seeing your child, so I would suggest seeking legal advice as soon as you can. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here who may be able to guide you as well: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Thank you for your prompt reply Vivian.
And thank you for the helpline numbers.
I will call then when I get back home.
My best friend said this is a case of trauma bonding, because she has done this to a number of men before.
Do you have any videos or posts I can read up about this situation please.
Kind regards
Kam
You might find this helpful:
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
And this:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/stockholm-syndrome/
Mine was engaged to a new girl the last 3 months he lived with me. I had no clue until a few days before I kicked him out. (2 weeks ago). My head is spinning but he’s been discarding for a while. Got a lot of healing to do!
He will probably do the same to her. You are better off away from him. Stay strong.
My husband of 7 years kissed me goodbye and told me how beautiful I was before I left for work one day. I came home and everything in our home including my dog of 13 years was gone. He moved in with his secret girlfriend that he had a secret baby with. I was blindsided and left penniless. He just a few months later is trying to come back to me as if nothing has happened. There is no way of comprehending a narcussist’s mind.
That must have been so hard to cope with. I am so sorry you have been through this. I agree with you, there is no way to comprehend this. But know this, he will not have changed and if you do let him back it will happen again. Try to stay strong no matter how much he tries to hoover you back. You might like to read this: Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
I was married to a very good man when I met my narcissist. In a very short period of time, he convinced me that he and I were soul mates and I left my husband.
Shortly after I actually left, the narcissist lost interest in me. He kept me around for when he needed me, but I was no longer “it” for him. And I wanted to be. I was desperate for him to make me feel like he did in the beginning. I needed it. But it was gone.
He has been chasing a couple of other girls for quite some time. One who loves across the country. He has finally convinced her to move here and be with him. She’s the love of his life. They are going to live happily ever after. He can’t wait till she gets here.
I became pregnant before she arrived. He was disgusted by the news. He never loved me, he loves her, and I am not going to screw that up for him. He has blocked me and claims he’s never speaking to me again. I’m currently 3 months along and haven’t heard from him in a month.
The new girl is supposed to arrive in December 2019. He wants to start a family with her right away. He told me that he was planning to grow a beautiful garden with her, and that I am an ugly weed in his garden that he has to get rid of.
I’ve never been so hurt by anything in my life.
I am so sorry Allison as this must be so hard for you. You don’t deserve that abusive behavior and I hope you don’t feel guilty or blame as coercive control is highly manipulative. The one thing I know is that the pattern will repeat with this next girl and she will most likely suffer abuse and/or be discarded herself at some point down the line. It is painful I know, but you deserve better than this and I am glad you are away from him. The longer you stayed with him, the worse the abuse would have become and the harder it would have been to break free. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’m so sorry! are you soon due? the baby? how are you now?
I met mine and it was the 3 week /mostly text love bombing stage with a sudden break up (in text) all the love was a lie
I don’t know if I’m pregnant.
I am reading online about narcs because he is one I think
he gaslighted and said I’m insecure/need to change/fix myself/”psychological” and all this because I asked him why I didn’t get anything on valentines day
he answered and I was 100% ok with it!
(but I guess he was irrecoverable damaged! )
and then I asked if he still is “ok” with me seeing others. as I said I love him enough to see him only
he turned it all around on me “somehow”?? (they have weird ways..its like to you youre saying a GOOD thing and to them it was wrong) so he broke up with me
I’m like..ok I wanted to see only you and you break up and blame me?
he wanted an open relationship
all I did was say I don’t want that
but instead of being honest and saying ok I understand and I don’t want that
he instead said I have personal problems for not accepting his demands
I was with a woman for 7 months and in that time she was never wrong and constantly would flip any criticism back on me. It was mind bending and I just submitted. She professed her love for me and said no one had ever made her feel like I did but yet on our break up (she told me to get out over a disagreement and I blew up and said some nasty things)she completely blocked me on everything, like I never existed. I just dont see how someone that loves you can always be right and just end you like you never existed. Looking back I see she might have been narcissistic. The one thing that stands out is she said once if I she ever thought she felt humiliated in public by me I would be gone! I never had any thought of doing that but she had to make it clear. Very strange.
You not to blame or responsible for her actions. Only she is. The sad thing is they can’t love in a healthy way. You deserve better. This might help: Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Hi
This is so resonant to me.
I blew up on the back of near 6 months of questioning, suspicion and accusations. I also feel shame from this. The constant questions making me feel shallow, ill at ease, hurt basically. I feel broken and discarded as immediately after this argument I got in car and she had blocked me on everything by the time I had got back to my own flat.
Meanwhile, she carries on. Mending herself (So she would make out) on social media, that I can see through a different internet search engine(I know this is unhealthy). I try to move past the thoughts, but its all in there, questions, the false love, how she can so easily just discard me and make feel expendable in the process. My temper rose from the inability for her to see that it was only her I wanted to be with. All the time comparing herself to others, bringing their names into fights to again raise me. I couldn’t cope and reasoned argument never made a jot of difference. The immature behaviour. We had so many breaks and I found sometimes I could see it wasn’t going anywhere, the same accusation would be flung at me in different guises. But in the end, I felt so overwhelmed with not being able to get through I simply blew up. I’ve always managed to leave relationships with a degree of peace with the other.
So many of her statements made me question her, but I kept going. Until finally she discarded me. Hurts like hell.
It does hurt like hell, I know. I’ve been through this too. She will never move on in a healthy normal way so that is an illusion. The pattern will repeat with someone else. Try not to hold on to the fantasy of what might have been no matter how much you proved your love to her. It is an illusion too. These might help:
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
How to move on: letting go of someone you love: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/how-to-move-on/
Focus on healing you now as that is the most important thing. Stay strong.
I have been married 10 years to a sweet man. I met my narcissist a few months ago..he fell deep in love with me within a week of talking to me on text, before we even met in person. He and I would talk for hours on the phone connecting on many levels. He told me all the right things. Turns out he is 38, living at home with his parents, no job, 4 kids by different women, and a serial cheater. He said he was not a serial cheater anymore (yeah ok). He also is an alcoholic, smokes week all the time and other things that I just found out about. I lowered all my boundaries for him. Let him ride in my car with drugs, bought him booze with my money(yeah he will pay me back) lowered my standards because his words wooed me and I wanted to believe he loved me so much like that. I finally ended it Friday after he was high on meth going through my phone accusing me yet again of talking to other guys. He would throw tantrums and walk off and stonewall me for days. He would accuse me of sleeping with other men and expect me to brush off my husband for him. I almost ruined my marriage for this guy. I have spoken to my husband about everything and we are getting counselling. I rode by the guys house today and he already had a car in his driveway. It makes you feel so bad but he is not worth it. I am getting help to find out why I allowed myself to sink so low.
I am so sorry to hear this. They are incredibly manipulative so try not to be too hard on yourself. The most important thing is you recognize you need to look within yourself to understand why. That is the right place to start to heal. This is a symptom of something deeper going on within you, possibly your marriage. So it is good that you are seeking help and support to work through it.
I’m sorry. Reading through the information you’ve provided, I’m struggling to understand why you’d even allow yourself to be in a position where you’d be in contact of such a nature with another man whilst you’re married to “a sweet man” of 10 years.
Regardless of how this other man carries himself or the lifestyle he lives, why does that have ANY impact on what you’re doing to your husband? If this other man was a high-rolling city banker who doesn’t cheat, that STILL wouldn’t excuse your actions. This is emotional infidelity at the very least. There should be no instance where this other man would be “worth it”. I’m sorry, but what I’ve read is horrible.
Rather than questioning the other man on his possible level of narcissism, it looks like you need to question yourself.
If anyone is the victim in this scenario, it’s your husband.
After almost divorcing my narcissistic husband he hoovered me back and the love bombing lasted but a few weeks. I told him that I wanted to move out about a week ago and he definitely went no contact with me which I stood my ground and ignored him. Just yesterday he tried to Hoover me again but little did he know that I contacted an ex girlfriend of his because he had made comments in the past about how great she was and how she tried to initiate things with him. So I contacted her and she told me that it was him that wanted to initiate things with her. He didn’t even bother telling her that he had another child. She told me that she ended up changing her number after he became aggressive with her when she didn’t want to get back with him. When he tried to work things out with me last night I brought up the conversation with his ex and he denied it at first. He denied it about three times before he said he did talk to her through a mutual friend that he has ran into. Then it turns out the friend Face Timed her and my ex wanted to just mention how she owed him money. He tried and tried to get me to take him back but I stood my ground. However unfortunately later on I asked him if he truly wanted he would have to fess up about his attempt to get back with his ex. He told me to sleep on it and when I woke up the next morning he was no contact again. He literally hoovered me just to discard me again. All in less than 24 hours
He has done you a favour as you deserve so much better than this. Stay strong and maintain no contact. Focus on you and your healing now.
Good info and can have psychopathic and borderline tendencies too! So save your life and family of grief and do u thank God u saw the light before u wasted any more time!!
For the past two weeks , I have noticed my boyfriends actions and attitude to me and his mannerisms have changed , dramatically, I have argued with him numerous times about this and nothing gets resolved, he goes in circles, until I just stopped addressing it all together, today I caught him in a blatant lie , had proof. He kept denying , telling me I’m ridiculous, and lying more to cover the original lie , it was horrible again went in circles! He abruptly told me he hated me packed his stuff and walked out on me , with my son home, he would not take accountability and went from loving me to no end the previous hour before this happened, to hating me in every way and walking out on our relationship , I’m so hurt and confused
This is gaslighting: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/gaslighting-in-relationships-2/
It is coercive control / emotional abuse and it will only get worse and could end up as physical violence.
The longer you stay the more manipulated and brainwashed you become.
I urge you to seek help and support to understand the abuse and to not go back to him. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
This might help too: Am I in an abusive relationship? 14 emotional abuse warning signs: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/
My boyfriend of 9 months just did this to me Over thanksgiving. It hurts so much. I tried to hard to make it work sacrificing my sleep and staying up with him on the phone when he started working nights and giving to him when he needed it. Being what he wanted me to be sexually. Even things I didn’t like and it was so easy for him to walk away and go silent on me. He gave me a lame excuse after days of not talking to me then disappeared again. He was supposed to show up for thanksgiving and didn’t. He was supposed to show up for my bday and didn’t. Didn’t even bother to buy me a present nor did he apologize. I have so much love for him and I miss him. I thought he was the one. Never thought he would do this. But he just throw me to the side and it was so easy for him. It hurts.
I know how much this hurts but do you want a boyfriend does all this to you? You deserve better. Try to separate te reality of who he is and what he does from the fantasy man and dream relationship in your head. This abuse will only get worse and won’t lead to long term happiness. only pain.
These may help:
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Can a narcissist change?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-a-narcissist-change/
Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
What has happened to me?
She made an ambiguous situation, when I could not trust her and I became jealous, she provoked me to be angry. After this, she wrote a letter about how I hurt her, what a dust I am and she left me. After some weeks she back from no contact, she told me that we can be friends, she met meet to say the last goodbye, she act like at the beginning she was full of love and joy with me, but she said she cannot go on with me. I felt that there is another person. After a month of trying to get her back, I told her, I will be in one place where she will be also. She gets angry she started threatening to me, that she will destroy my life if I will be there. I used defense. After this, she cut everything. One month she was a person who loved me from all her heart and the other after a small conflict she cut me off like I never existed in her life. Wrote hundreds of letters, emails, sms. No answer, she blocked me everywhere. Day after day, night after night, week after week, I was looking for an answers what has happened to me, why she did this if she loved me, if she told me, that I am an amazing guy in her life, she did not give me any clear explanation and I read books, posts on the internet, watched youtube videos, and I found lots of details which guided me to a Covert Narcissistic personality disorder. My situation was totally different. The patter was hidden. Now I know, lots of about it, but I cannot destroy her inside of me, I still love her, I still need her, my mind says me go away, leave her, she is a monster, but I cannot destroy that mechanism of her inside of me, I do not know how… I love someone who even not exist…
Sorry to hear of your experiences. I would like to point out though that no one can ‘provoke’ anyone to be angry. We are all responsible for our own actions, feelings and behavior.
That is simply not true. They provoke you by their actions, or their inactions. They do the silent treatment, the manipulation, the gaslighting- you don’t consider that provoking? You are wrong.
Every adult is responsible for their own actions.
I was with my narcissistic ex for 3 years. I always put him first and supported him, but I realized over time that I didn’t get that type of support back. What led to our breakup was that I caught him texting a female coworker behind my back. He always talked to me about his coworkers, but he hid this one from me. I didnt understand why, so I confronted him about it. He promised me nothing was going on and he promised that he would change and become more honest with me. He was so bad at communicating with me and I had given him endless chances. He never followed through on promises. He was so good at saying “sorry”, but his actions proved to me that he was never sorry and never truly cared. I told him that if he didnt change for real this time that I was done. He was apologetic and “sweet” at first. But over time he started pushing me away, being distant, and cold with me. It hurt so much and it was effecting my health. My family took notice that I had lost my appetite, had trouble sleeping, my personality had changed. It was awful, I no longer recognized myself. By the end, he pushed me out of his life. A month later, he was seen at the mall with the same coworker that he swore nothing was going on with. It was a low blow, but I know that I dodged a bullet. I’m still healing and I hope to move on fully someday.
Sorry to hear this. Focus on you now and healing. He’s not worth it and you deserve better.
The guy i dated told me he was going to do some super high risk sport in latin america after thanksgiving ( btw his mom died one day before the holiday and he didnt go to her funeral because he felt there was no need since she was already dead!!!) (red flag…) where he said he would be in a rural area without reception for a few days but he would be back, which i thought was odd ( intuition telling me), so i did a little research and contacted his ex from that country and asked if she knew where he was, to which she so kindly wrote back and said that they were together and had sex the day he arrived. she said that she asked him if he was dating anyone back home to which he said no, but i guess he just failed to tell me before he left that we were over. such a narcissist!!! and he lied about his age said he was 39 but actually was 53 ( ok he looks pretty young). anyway, she kicked him out after she found out the truth that in fact he did have a gf in the US who was waiting for him. his major complaint was that she had thrown out his pain pills and not even that he had lied to both of us! somehow though, he got her to have dinner with him again and convinced her that he never dated me and that he was never my bf. anyway, real crazy narcissist stuff. what i tell myself is this, would i want my child to be with someone like this? no. so that helps me move on and forget all this crazy making!
update: literally overnight after i posted this she contacted me and told me broke his leg while doing his sport yesterday, wow, karma.
What a great article. It’s really helped my to understand what’s been going on in my toxic relationship for the last four years. I was dumped before Christmas after I was told by her that she wanted to text and date other men, i naturally said I didn’t want this. This is after years of the idealise/ devalue/ discard cycles where I was blamed for everything told that I needed to change. It’s very painful but I am trying my best to work through this. My thoughts truly go out to those who have suffered this kind of abuse too.
Stay strong. You deserve better than this.
I feel ashamed because I dated him only for a couple of months and therefore I am not sure why I let his behavior affect me, nevertheless, I feel heartbroken. He came on really strong and we had some really wonderful dates. He started face timing me everyday, texting me constantly (to the point where I though it was a bit much) but I liked him and decided that it was sweet? Over Christmas he went home to Australia and continued calling me everyday; he started looking at my social media account, sending me jealous messages and accusing me of giving attention to other men. He said if I truly liked him that I wouldn’t make myself seem eligible and that he only wanted to see me. If I didn’t text him back immediately he would blow up my phone with messages and calls. I started to think wow, this guy must really like me and so I tried to show him that I was equally as interested. When he told me he missed me, I would tell him I missed him back etc., after Australia he went to Costa Rica on a holiday. At some point in our communication he mentioned that he is so scared of getting hurt again and I kept telling him we should take things slow and that I wouldn’t be his rebound. His communication trailed off, although he did text me to say that he missed me and that he was lonely whilst away. Eventually he went silent for 4 days and wrote me last Monday saying he’s back to the real world. I couldn’t help but wonder if he met someone on his trip. I sent him a “welcome back message” he never responded. On Wednesday I decided to tell him that this hot and cold behavior would not work for me and that if he’s met someone else that’s fine, but I am not going to sit around waiting for him to decide what he wants. He responded an hour later (didn’t even have the decency to meet me in person) that he thinks I am amazing but because he’s about to go on the road for two months he doesn’t think he can get back into a relationship, that it’s too hard emotionally & geographically (which was confusing since he was pushing for a relationship) and that it was great getting to know me. I didn’t respond because I respected his wishes not to be in a relationship. The next night he called me five times, I didn’t answer. Then on Friday he texted me asking if I was stalking his friends on social media, I stupidly answered and asked if we could talk on the phone like adults (he’s in his mid 30s), he ignored my request. Seemed to me as though he just wanted an excuse to talk to me. The next day posted a photo of him and a girl he met (as I imagined) in Costa Rica, he took her to the opera for his birthday. She flew to New York to be with him? And they’ve only known each other for 5 days…how was I so easy to discard? I feel like a disposable person. And now I feel like an idiot because I was so excited to see him after our time a part, I even bought him a birthday gift because he told me the last girl he dated never did anything special for his birthday (I didn’t give it to him thank god). The icing on the cake is last night, on his actual birthday, we were at the same bar. He was with the girl. He saw me, put his arm around her and kissed her in front of me. I truly feel so violated more so than any long relationship I’ve been in. I hate how things ended between us, so toxic and unsettling. I am really disturbed by the whole thing. I don’t want to blame myself but I do. How can I just feel okay about this?
You are really lucky to have been discarded as this is textbook coercive control that would have led to escalating emotional abuse and possibly physical violence. He was testing you, by manipulation and seeing if you would change your behavior to accommodate him and whether he could push them down. They are predators who do this to see who will be the easiest prey to manipulate as their supply. You are not to blame. I would advise you not to date, but to build your sense of self-worth, self-esteem and boundaries. They can detect in anyone when these are weak. If you keep attracting these types and not nice, healthy, respectful guys and want to change this then schedule time for a chat with me: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/apply/
Hey…am pleased to know its not only me ..I have been an utter idiot for years and years. Coming up ten years in all. Farther of my kids. Has put me though nothing but shit. I have taken a lot of crap from him. Sudden disappearing , with a multitude of excuses , cons for money , fake promises ect. He is horrible to the kids , then all nicey . and recently I have started to PLAY him back. And I think he has twigged that am on to him. As I initiated a legal separation , or no more sex until legally married to see what he would do ..oh at first he was not suited or happy and kind of kept his distance , dead silence within the house . eggshells … Then he came on to me and tried to pin me for sex and almost turned into Hannibal lecture in the eyes and was going to go for it and I pushed him off. After a struggle and he jumped back and said right .! Who u F*****g … I replied nobody , I just have a personal boundary. He said OK I will respect u and do this . then went very quiet , and started playing with his phone AGAIN , as he only come of it . to have SEX then totally ignores me after. But I know its aload of crap , I am not that stupid. I know he will probably likley swann off and disgard me .. As he knows am on to him. .he has a new supply in other part of country . so there’s a suprise lol. . other members of my family , have asked me IF he is an ADDICT …hence the stealing if money or things as they go missing , as he is super irratated frequently ,and very moody and huge temper. Hence has even grabbed me by the scruff of my jumper few times and glared at me like he wants me dead. Last night for example he , glared at me with horrible scychotic eyes after I told him about a comment made by our middle child. Then he goes distant . and I feel the ice. Not the first time he has done this . and currently I think he is with his new supply . as I have stopped the sexual contact. Also I have been adviced to try and check his feet as he is very foot sensitive and wears shoed constantly… And my eldest child , was playing and was trying to make an injection toward the foot area….that made me and a family member very suspicious … As he admitted past history of. ,alcoholism but can’t proove it . the situation hurts but also at the same time , I feel relief , as I need my peace .and I know he will do this to others
I urge you to get help and support to understand codependency. You can’t change him and any abuse will get worse. But you can change you and it is best to focus on you, your needs and your well-being first. I would consider going to Al-anon (for friends and families of alcoholics) as I found it life-changing. I’ve listed Al-anon and other free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self-help books guide 2018:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I also have an online video course that will help you to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships, codependency and how you can break free from this abusive cycle: Start with ME: Victim to Survivor:https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/victim-to-survivor/
I was married for 12 years and been with him a total of 17 years. Throughout our marriage he would tear me down, gaslight me, use threats and intimidation and other tactics to gain power and control. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive but I put up with it because I didn’t want a broken family. Towards the end of the marriage, I bit my tongue and walked on eggshells so he wouldn’t tear into me if I disagreed with him. He told me often that I was worthless and stupid and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He always told me he wanted to divorce me so when I finally got enough courage to leave, he turned around and divorced me. I tried desperately to make it work- even groveling and begging for forgiveness. He always made me pay for the ‘pain’ I caused him. I found out on New Years Day that he was already with a new supply and they were spending the nights together. This is only after just a few months of my divorce being final. It was a stab in the heart and I lost it! I was in a depression and had no appetite. I couldn’t believe he found someone so quick. He rubbed it in my face more when he videoed the kids from her house and lied to them about where he was. He also told me that I ‘lost’ because he is dating her not me. He told me there is zero percent chance we are ever getting back together. After all I’ve been through and put up with, I had to go low contact. It’s only been 10 days since I found out about his new supply and I can’t get her and him out of my mind! I’m glad that I found this article. I know he’s a narc and I deserve better. I’m hoping to recover for years of abuse and get to the other side.
I needed to read this article. I have just come out of a relationship. Even though is was for a very short time, 3 months……he was a narcissistic coward, and I see it now. Promised me the world, his undying love etc….only to end the relationship – over whatsapp and block me. An now I find out via social media that he was seeing his ex, who he continously slated while we were together, all along. I realise I have dodged a bullet, what I am struggling with is the lies…can not wrap my head around how someone can do this……!!!!!!
The best thing to do now is to take your focus off him and put it onto you and your own healing.
Hi, idiot me. Am so pleased its not just me that’s been led down the garden path for last 9 and half years of unbelievable bullshit. For almost 10 years I have had nothing but a worldwind of false promises , abuse and financial shit of this so called man of mine.
He dated me for couple of months 4 months to be exact and then popped the question ,idiot me said sure of course. He was all charming and cockey and confident at first ,he was the DJ in my local bar. Said I was beautiful and he was arroussed by me. He came over to my rented flat or apparmennt and we shared wine and pizza ect …he started staying over and as normal we slept together ..was all wonderful ( best sex ever had) the next day I noticed my bag on kitchen bench and my 60 euros was missing …he’d been in my bag( red flag) next day he got me a phone topup after I asked him about the money. He caused problems with my very rich landlord …YES …I rented from BILLIONAIRE that I was very good friends with their son. And he knew him also. I started to give him the rent money in trust that he pay it ,and later found out he’d been spending the money on his own shit. And no rent was given. It caused a lot of problems and resulted in us moving out. He then made out that he was taking them to court to get compensation for putting us out. And was getting a settlement of around 19 million LOL … Hehe. He made out several times he had severe illness and tryed to con my family and his own family. Then I got pregnant … Idiot me listening to him about being natural and giving my ALL to him result BABY. Several times or more disappearing without any notice . days ,nights, we moved home in all I counted 15 times …of upheaval. He couldn’t pay the rent so we ended up moving suddenly through the night and my pet cats of a decade were abandoned …and I broke my heart. He said , I’d put cats above him or us. Then said he arrange to have them collected , a year later nothing. The birth of child 4, he absconded no where to be found and I was in labour I then later found out from our oldest child he been sleeping in a hotel with another. And lied about his wearabouts . he is adopted and I never met any of his real family. He got a tatoos of a woman’s face that’s not finished according to him and claims its me .and another of a tatoo name of another girl an said was his dead sister ,that I never met . .yeah right. He disappears frequently ,when he seems to raise money and if he’s broke and nobody to sponge off …he just sits around house smoking and does nothing. Claims talking to friends ect. Never bough me a birthday present or Christmas gift ,I was shocked and treated myself to everything .tells constant lies .and recently have initiated a legal separation ,reached my limit. And I stopped the actual sex part and told him ,no sex until legally married , to get a reaction …and he almost turned into Hannibal lecture in the eyes and tried to pin me for sex. So am waiting for full devalue and disagard …
Hi Emma, please see my response to another of your comments.
I recently found out my ex of 7 years was cheating on me with a married man, he was a millionaire and when I finally found out I confronted her. I told her to leave and she looked up at me with a blank expression and said ok. Seven days later she was gone and I haven’t heard from her since. I fear that I am trying to group her into a narcissist when statistically less than 1% of the population fit the clinical criteria. How do i know if she is one or if I wasn’t just a crappy partner to her?
I don’t think labels necessarily matter. This was infidelity for whatever reason and no-one deserves that.
I can’t really identify if he was a narcissist or not. I have been dating this guy for 7 months, he was never prioritizing me and always make time for me only where and when it fit him. He however always said he was busy and I had to deal with it. When I confronted him on being selfish he freaked out and said I didn’t know anything about him and we had a fight. Next day as if nothing happened and we continued dating for 5 weeks, only for him to see me after my birthday, give me birthday presents and dump me 2 days later over WhatsApp, saying he didn’t trust to open up to me anymore after what I had said 5 weeks prior and that it didn’t work for him anymore. I was devastated and obviously felt guilty (still do), but was moving on when he contacted me with a comment on an Instagram story and long story short we started texting again and we saw each other (only for physical purpose). When we were together it was amazing but after nothing, just casual picture or videos of himself without comment every week. I found out later he was seeing someone else and confronted him, not angrily but just to understand what was going on, and he again freaked out telling me I knew it was casual and it wasn’t any of my business and we shouldn’t be seeing eachother anymore at all. 5 weeks later (no contact at all) it was his birthday, I didn’t text him cause I thought it wasn’t necessary at that point, and in the night after his birthday he unfriended me on Facebook. I know he was clearly wrong for me from the start and yet I can’t stop feeling like I am the one who made a mistake and he is so happy now because I was the one not good enough. It’s a constant thought I can’t get rid of. Not sure if it’s just time that will heal everything or how to best get rid of the “obsession” and feel better again
This is coercive control, a form of psychological abuse. It is a way to groom and test how weak someone’s boundaries and self-esteem are and if they will make a good supply for them. Please break all contact as hard as it is. the longer you are exposed to this the more he will draw you into his manipulation and the harder it will be to get out. You deserve better than this.
I was with a man for 7 years on and off. Off because he constatly told me he was fine then would come back. I met him when I was going through my divorce and he love bombed me. He seemed like the best thing ever. After a few months he was accusing me of cheating, calling me awful names, awful drunk texts. He had been cheating with his ex gf. He made everything get fault and I took him back. Long story short he cheated with her 2 more times and the third time we were done. He hated that I had a career because he was a contractor. I was not able to hang out with friends because it was a fight where he would threaten me with other women. He was frequently drunk. He is impulsive, manipulative and then tells me that I make him this way. I was always on egg shells. The put downs were constant. Although I know im way above him he brought my self esteem to nothing. Long story short we broke up all summer after he sent me a slew of racist degrading comments. He was with multiple womenand I caught him out but he said if I was with anyoneelse he couldn’t take be back…three months later he started showing up at my house begging for me back saying he changed. I of course finally had my walls up but took him back. I kept him at arms length and did not put much into us. We fought frequently because I wouldbring up the things he did especially the cheating when he started to go back to his old ways. Quickly he was back to the old ways and of course I was the bad guy. He cried his eyes out to get back together with me and said he cheated because these women did not expect anything of him. Two weeks ago I told him I was going to happy hour with my girl friends. I came home to see him and he made other plans, called me all kind of names. He didn’t speak to me for days after then when he did he said we were done. Our relationship had died. Told me he had dated someone else and that he knows he messes up all those years but he couldn’t take the fact that I brought it up or wanted to talk about things or needed him to helpme heal. He just wanted me to forget, not call him out when he was at the bar after work and basically he was mad that I was stronger. 7 years of misery. Everyone always asked me why I stayed. I said the good was amazing even though the bad was awful. But the good was never consistent. Now I’m left so hurt that he rejected me. Hurt that he moved onto someone else new instead of putting that energy into us. I know his demons are more than I can fix. Keep in mind he is 52. He text me last week and said I am the perfect woman but he just messed us up. I even begged for a chance to have a future where I don’t talk about the past. He said no…After all the chances I gave him. I’m ok without him…I’m beautiful, smart, successful. No one can figure out why I was with him as he is beneath me in every way. But it still hurts so much and I do miss him. I miss how he is when he is amazing. At the end he was having issues with his son, who I raised….he said he was so depressed. That’s why I can’t figure out how he mustered up enough energy to pursue this new woman. It all just hurts. Your article was spot on.
This is coercive control, which is a powerful form of brainwashing and psychological manipulation whereby you become codependent and addicted to the person who hurts you. You crave them and it hurts when you’re without them, like an addict withdrawing from drugs. It’s painful. I would consider going through my online program to understand what happened, why you feel that intense pull back to him and how to break the cycle:
– Start with ME: Survivor to Staying Strong: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/start-with-me-survivor-to-staying-strong
You deserve way better than this.
Thanks. I want to be brief, she was everything to me. So cold after about four months that the last time I would see her I kissed her, told her I loved her and felt she was perturbed because I messed up her lipstick. Looking back she had already planned to leave and she left without even a word or note. Never have I felt such pain. After several weeks, I was feeling stronger like I could survive this and went to a concert with friends and as I was leaving there she was, alligator tears in her eyes and I just powered by, barely looking because I knew her power and went into the restroom and remained for a solid half hour, so many mixed emotions. This encounter resulted in my becoming suicidal and I don’t understand why, I felt I was healing. It was like ripping open a near fatal wound. I am fine today, just wanted to share this never told anyone this, not even my wife. Thank you for reading.
So many of us know that feeling and that pain after the withdrawal from a narcissistic relationship. And the power they have over us, which can set us back in an instant. You are not alone. I am glad you are okay today. Thanks for sharing.
My ex ended things over 5 years ago because he couldn’t do a long distance relationship. We’ve stayed in contact over the years via texting and social media. We saw each other last spring and we hooked up one night. He continued to text me first. In the fall he started texting more and more. I knew what was happening, but was determined to break things off with him first. We’d made plans to meet out of town, but he messaged me a few weeks beforehand to tell me he’d run into an ex and he wanted to pursue that instead so we couldn’t stay in contact like we had been and our trip was off. I was crushed, but acted like it wasn’t a big deal. Several weeks afterwards, he called me to say he didn’t want a relationship with anyone and he was sorry how he’d treated me. He invited me to meet up out of town again. I accepted. His texts became more and more frequent and I knew I was being love bombed again. When I saw he was making plans with another woman on social media, reality hit me. I messaged him and told him that I couldn’t meet up with him. I said nothing about the other woman. He wrote back saying I deserved someone who’d give me 100%, he missed me and he loved me. The next day, I was blocked and unfollowed on every social media account. I emailed him asking why, but never got a response. Is this the final discard? Is he gone for good? Why no closure? And why, even though I know I’m better off, does it hurt so bad?
It hurts so badly as codependency is like an addiction and when we are cut off from the ‘drug’ that they become it is like withdrawal. We also long for that closure we’ll never get – for them to tell us they really loved us after all. These might help:
Closure in relationships: 10 ways to stay strong when there is none: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/closure-in-relationships/
Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-hurts/
Thank you so much!
I hate this deal of Narcs. I was completely discarded, which I know is okay as I dodged a bullet because this person is not hoovering or trying to make contact again after a year, but now I wonder what is wrong with me that they haven’t? Man they mess a person up.
Honestly, be thankful they haven’t!
Mine just ended things with me as he found his new supply. He said he wasn’t “in love” with me anymore. that he never was . he always “loved” me though. we share a 2 year old we were engaged. he said he thought if we had the baby he would definitely feel “in love” with me but once he saw that didn’t work he knew he never could be. He took thousands of dollars from me. 10 years of favors, and anything he needed like a fool i was there. It’s been a month so far I have good days and bad days. I feel more like myself again but I’m still so angry. He cheated on me and the day he finally ended things he stayed at her house, I found out the next day he was already with the girl and LIVING with her! He has only seen his child 2 times even though he says he should have 50% custody. He has never been active in her life as we weren’t living together and I told him he can’t have a overnight with her until he shows me he’s consistent and reliable. Just yesterday we met up so he could see her (he has no license so I had to drive to meet him and for them to spend time). He said if I hadn’t of “made him tell me”. like that’s his excuse for the new girl and the situation. Looking back I see all the red flags that i totally ignored. He has 2 other children with 2 other women and has no contact with the children nor the exes. Of course he told me stories about them. My family and friends hated him and that just made me drift apart from them. I so badly don’t want to care for him , I want to go no contact but am unsure of what to do because he’s the father of my child. We were never married (Thank God) and in my state it means I have sole physical custody. He has already threatened to call social services with lies and take me to court, but he has no means of anything only a place to live that isn’t even his. He claims this girl loves him and has him on her lease etc. Still he has no job and is also on probation. I don’t know if i’m not going no contact for myself or our child though as I’m still getting over him. He goes back and forth telling me he still loves me and that this is all confusing for him to telling me we will never be together again and saying rude things. I had him blocked except for 20mins at night to say goodnight to his child( which is brand new he NEVER did that before), Which I’m guessing is a game to show his new supply how “great” of a father he is as she is a single mother of a 4yr old. His own mother who barley has contact with him told me he had narcissistic personality disorder. At the time I blew it off as a “joke”. Oh boy was I wrong. I just can’t understand how he could take 10 years of my life and now is insistent that we should be friends. He claims I’m his best friend and doesn’t know how to not have me in his life. I’m guessing he just doesn’t want me to move on since he keeps making comments on it I’m with someone else. It’s all so confusing and at the same time in black and white as he has every sign of being narcissistic. I hope this will get easier one day!
I would go no contact if you can. It is hard and painful, I know. But take one day at a time and it will get easier.
Mine was a female collegue in a male environment. I had enough and called them on their actions and the devil came out…calling me things infront of my work colleagues, trying to humiliate me infront of them. She ignored me thinking I would say sorry one more time….but this time I carried on being happy(on the outside but dying inside of hurt) going about my work as normal, as if she didnt exist and I was not affected. She upped her devaluation by flirting with every male colleague of mine, dressing tarty to get a reaction from me . inside I was seething but refused to show her and pretend all was happy with me. She continued this for months but thankfully no one fell for her attention seeking for new supply and my negative supply of devaluation..finally she left our company but not far enough but to a company just up the road..every 1 to 2 weeks she would turn up overly jolly being loud and waving to everyone except me. Hugging everyone infront of me dressed to the nines saying “have you all missed me”…I just pretended to not notice her but inside was angry as previously she had told me all these people who she now friends with, hugging was people she hated. I thought I’d got rid but now she was turning up at my work…the first and only time she rang me was twice on xmas day but I didnt pick up as I didnt recognize the No..they left a text later saying merry xmas its *****(she asked for my No but always said she couldnt ring me cos of her husband, of which she told me their relationship was over but didnt want to give him excuse to blame her of affair)…she tried hoovering but refused to bite to her bait.. .anyone out there stay strong cos trust me I was one confident guy with an outlook of life as fun and was never looking at negativity just positives. She took all that away and I became so insecure, doubted myself, my confidence plummeted. I went from hero to zero but can say you have to stay strong, know you are doing the right thing because you dont deserve to be treated like that by anyone. Even when your brain says no but your heart says yes, just listen to your brain and stay away and dont communicate with them and dont give a reaction…I thought at the time I was being mean by calling her out but I look back now and wish I’d done it sooner because I ignored all the red flags months before making excuses for her behaviour…..just get out and dont look back. I’ve been having therapy now for 5 months to find me again…I’m not looking back, I now feel strong enough that if they did try and hoover I could confidently handle the situation and carry on moving on without them in my life where at one stage I felt my life could not continue without them
Just to add to my previous…I was lucky another female collegue saw how I was being treated and supported me, encouraged me that i was doing the right thing….without the support i dont know if i could have carried on…just to add you need to reach out to your friends and get as much support to get through this and keep seeing it through….there are days when you feel you have done wrong and maybe reach out to your narc …reach out to your support circle first as they will definitely guide you away from doing so. If you have no support and feel like reaching out to your narc DONT !!because if you do they will just knock you back. You will feel even worse and they win cos you have contacted them …dont give them the satisfaction. Satisfaction comes from getting on with your life whilst they are fighting their insecurities and lack of someone to stroke their ego
How do you go no contact if you share a child? I have been discarded yet again and told he has stopped talking to me etc because he isn’t in love with me and why don’t I just get it and that he can’t even be friends with me, because I make it difficult. He has not paid child support or even asked after his child now for a week, because he has new supply (his now ex friend’s ex girlfriend. Bare in mind he discarded me a week before giving birth for his best friend’s wife, who he got engaged to, but cheated on and she left him, so he seems to target the friends partners).
I would love to go no contact, but he will threaten with court.
If you can go through a neutral 3rd party, such as a lawyer or neutral relative or friend.
My soon to be ex husband and I have been together for 5 years and he is in the process of discarding/divorcing me now. He has gone completely silent on me however refuses to move out of the house. He has a total of 5 kids… one is ours and the other 4 with two other women who also spend time in my home and his mom lives with me as well and none talk to me. He has put all blame on our failed marriage and refuses to take accountability for any of it. He was actually married when I met him but convinced me he was going through a divorce. Eventually that happened because his ex just had enough of his affairs. He was physically and sexually abusive towards me and denies it. He would constantly break up with me when I confronted him about what he had done and one of those times he went two weeks without talking to me so at that point I had enough and moved on with someone else. When he came back later around I took him back but I didn’t end the other relationship but I didn’t hide it from him either I had told him I had an affair… mind you he would always tell me the only way I would get over his affair he had was if I had my own… for three years he would tell me this and I can’t believe I fell for it seeing back on it now he manipulated me into thinking it would fix our issues… found out he told his ex the exact same thing and then used that against her when she finally cheated on him…. he had cheated on her with multiple women before that… anyways found emails where he had been trying to have an affair with my coworker and used the affair I had as an excuse and all the while he was pretending to work things out between us I had a gut feeling he was doing this to buy time so he could get himself financially stable which then I confirmed in the emails…. these last few months I had really been trying to work on our marriage but it was all for nothing he had already been planning to discard me and it’s obvious he has found new supply as well… although I am glad this is all coming to an end soon I hate that he is still living here I am sure I am feeding his need for supply because I feel so uncomfortable living in my own home with his family around I try and stay away from him as much as I can but I can’t help this is another control tactic of his to hurt me
Thankyou this helped. I have been on and off with a guy for the last two years that I few in love with. He constantly liked other girls photos on Instagram and made me feel insecure. If I would bring it up it was my fault and I was crazy. I told him I loved him and he never could say it back or always said I’m getting there.He recently dumped me via a txt msg. I choose not to respond as I was so hurt. After a few days he msged me again to say he missed me and why wouldn’t I talk to him. I ended up speaking to him and agreed to work it out only to have him dump me again The next day. He told me he doesn’t love me and I need to move on. This whole thing has been so painful and so confusing.
I know how that hurts. You are better off without him so please try to stay strong. Watch not what they say but what they do. Their actions tell you everything you need to know. He will not be there for you. You deserve better. This may help too: Dating red flags: Dating Warning Signs of When to Run: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dating-red-flags/
Self-worth: why self-esteem and self-love matter: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/self-worth/
My dating rules: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dating-rules/
Love yourself first: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-yourself-first/
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-hurts/
True Love. True Relationships: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/true-love/
Thank you for your video. I’m having a hard time dealing with a recent breakup. He’d been abusive and devaluing me for a while now, until a sudden and simple “it’s over” after four years. The feelings of worthlessness are undescribable. I may have to watch your video several times over to let it really sink in.
Few months my ex she literally dumped me out the blue after a argument. I literally moved countries to be with her. Madness she cheated on me and I believed her nothing happened at the time. She would criticise the way I look, and really put me down sexually all Was jokes at first but after the discard is when it all cane bombing down on me, all the lies and manipulation and toxiness, how could I let her treat me like that? And I showed a lot of love and kindness and respect to that girl. She’s a drug taker and lives a immature life but accused me off all these vile things. She has money and wealth on her side so she hides her nasty traits well. She pinned me against work colleagues (we worked together) and made me think they were all against her. Yet I found out this wasn’t true. Just trying to get me to not communicate with them.
Worst weeks of my life when it all came crashing down. The way I had to leave on that terms from
The country I moved to was horrendous. I have flaws yes but I have always been a happy positive and loved person, it’s taken me 4months I’d reading about narcissism and toxic people to get a grasp of what happened.
I felt like I was going insane cause I let so many things go under the carpet with her, people would never have known and still don’t
Only one Person has realised the true extent of who she is.
Today I’m still recovering
People try to demean it especially as a man of my 33 years saying it’s jusy a breakup she was a bitch and that’s it. I’m careful who I talk to about it it’s hard to convey so much for people to get it.
She discarded, dumped me then blocked me off everything without a goodbye or care,
Recently found out she has unblocked me from
A social media platform
And I don’t know why.
I not gonna give into trying to get closure or even ask was any of it real.
Just the whole experience had taken a piece of my soul from
Me….. I hope to rebuild that one day. I’m
Scared now i won’t find someone at my age seems a lot of people out there are untrust worthy
Sorry to hear that and it can be difficult for men as often they’re not believed. Focus on you now, building your self-esteem back, most importantly. You deserve better.
Mine ended it a month ago. We were together 3 1/2 years. Continually asked me to marry him, had me fully involved me with his family members so it wAs so hard to break away from them all as they were his flying monkeys too!! He continually cheated on me, through the women in my face compared them to me, when i kept calling him out and leaving (left him over 10 times) couldnt take the rejection he begged and or threatened me back into the relationship until last month he discards me all of a sudden he didn’t love me anymore, I wouldn’t marry him and he had given me too many chances and i was never going to change?!! He refused to change his wAys despite all the bull and sweet words he threw my way. Anyway A week after dumping me he got engaged to a younger women with a nice car a house a good job and money. He’s getting married next week! I blocked him everywhere and this time he went radio silent. Nothing. I feel sick and angry with myself for taking him back every time he wanted to have the last say and end it on his terms. Sociopath to a T. I went through it all. Every type of abuse intermittent reinforcement he hit me slapped me publicly humiliated me raged at me used me for what he could even told me he wanted me for my money?! No thanks. Why am I still hurting my heart aches id never marry him he put me through hell and i am sad i let myself down
I have been in a relationship with a narcissist but at that time I had no idea… He projected his childhood traumas onto me, when we started dating he made me feel sorry for him, told me about his childhood traumas, told me that people have always been leaving him and he’s always putting in effort, told me that his friendships are one sided. As soon as he knew how insecure I was about my body he would make “jokes” about it on social media and then deny or tell me not everything is about me. the moment i showed him that I realised how much of a bad person he is he started being cold now and eventually dumped me. now what hurts the most is how he talks about how happy he is lately and how he enjoys his own company all these are opposite of how he was when we first met. Now I feel like my soul was snatched by this person, because now I am the angry, sad one who feels empty and now he is the happy one and screams self love… it feels like I was used because now he talks about how good he feels about himself, he also mentioned that he has been single since we broke up and it’s his longest time being single like this. It really hurts me.
Thank you so much for this post. I have recently been discarded by a narcissist. We have been married for 13 years and together for 16 years. We have three beautiful children together and I have held on the last several years to keep my family together and because I believed he would change. I do not think I would have left him until the children were grown but he decided he was done with me. I have prayed for answers and help over the last several months and this last month, he decided to be done with me. I shared how he hurt my feelings with something he said and it was like a switch flipped and he has been cold and hurtful and more manipulative than ever. This post was just what I needed to read tonight to comfort me that although the pain is real, there is a better life on the other side for me and my children. I was so blind for so many years as to what was really happening and I am finally free and can see the truth and know that I am not crazy.
Hey J, I’ve emailed you directly in response to this.
I was with mine x on and off for 5 years and Everytime we split up. He swore that was the last time. Last year we split he went back to his xwife, and destroyed his house. Was charged with a few things. We got back together for 8 months. I told him this was the last time. Because I want to be happy. We split up Friday night we were both drunk stuff happened and things were said. Today I start my first day of counseling. Will he finally stay away?
Oh Vivienne this article really resonated with me and my experiences with he over the past 2 years
Thank you so much
Thank you. I was just recently discarded by my narcissist husband on vacation. We were at my family’s cabin and only arrived two days prior after driving across country. After a month of him taking his wedding ring off in front of me and going around with his shirt off, he went out on 4th of July after I went to bed. I woke up and he wasn’t there. We had “Find my friends” on our phones. I asked my sister if she knew where he was, and she said he went to the casino. I checked my phone and it showed him 3 miles away at a cabin. I got in my car and drove by, my gut said something was off. His truck was at the cabin. I drove home and he returned 3 hours later around 1:30am smelling like fresh cologne and mouthwash. When I asked him where he was, he said he was at the casino and won $100. When I pointed out he didn’t smell like a casino, he went into gaslighting mode. I was too tired and upset that I slept in another room. The next morning he went paddle boarding, took his wedding ring off again, and posted pictures on social media. While he was paddle boarding, I went to the cabin he was at the night before and spoke to the girl he slept with. I returned back to my parents cabin and confronted him. To which he turned around saying I was crazy, having a bi-polar episode and how this was the last vacation I was going to ruin for him. He packed up his things and left. Cut me off from our bank account (I am unemployed due to COVID right now), turned his social media profiles to single, then blocked me from social media, email and phone, and drove to his parents house to his new supply- the ex wife of his best man at our wedding. I filed for divorce the next day, got on a plane 2 days later, got my car, my clothes and a few personal belongings and left everything else. It’s been 2 months and he has done nothing but rage at me via email about how I am a soul-sucking worthless human who caused our marriage to fail, how I am abusive and everything is my fault. It’s to the point where my lawyer has filed for a restraining order against him. He is living in OUR house with his new supply. They really are soul-sucking humans. And this divorce battle has only just begun…
Sorry to hear of what you have been through. Stay strong. You deserve better than this.