Loving a narcissist is like Stockholm Syndrome
Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. On average, it takes a person around 7 times to leave an abusive partner. Abusive relationships are complex and traumatic. The cycle of abuse is pervasive and difficult to break free from, let alone get over. We become addicted to a relationship and person who is no good for us. It was like a drug for me. The only person who can make you feel good again, is the person who is hurting you. It’s no wonder leaving is so hard.
But the beginning of the end of my relationship happened quite a while before I finally left him.
The only way to free ourselves from an abusive relationship is to take all the energy we are wasting on them and focus it back on ourselves. To take our focus off trying to fix them, change them. Change us instead.
As I worked on my self-esteem I started to realise, I deserved better. This relationship wasn’t good enough for me. I had to leave. I had to plan to do so safely as this the time when 75% of victims are killed or injured by their partners. Only then would I be able to heal.
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I left and went back to my ex many, many times, even after he’d nearly killed me. I’d have steely resolve, only for it to melt when he was loving again.
Many other victims of domestic violence I’ve talked to say the same. That they minimise what’s happened. That once the bruises fade, it doesn’t seem so horrible after all. They felt perhaps they had overreacted? Guilty for abandoning them when they need me. It takes a huge amount of courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship.
Victims of abusive relationships progress through a series of five defined stages before finally breaking free from an abusive relationship*. The first stages are when we are still in the relationship. I relate to every one of these stages:
1) Denial
This is where we deny or minimise the abuse. Whilst everyone around us can see what is going on, we either lack awareness of how bad it is, deny it or minimise its influence on us. We may feel trapped and hopeless to improve things or change it. We make no attempts to take action to make our life safer and less threatening. We don’t see our partner, or abusive person for who they really are.
We prefer to recall the person we first met, who love-bombed us and made us feel so special. Or the good times, the “honeymoon stage” after abuse, when they shower us with gifts and affection. We long to believe their promises that it will never happen again. So, delude ourselves into thinking that if we change to please them and not provoke their anger, the abuse will stop.
If others question bruises or any evidence of abuse we’ll make up excuses. I was good at doing that. Anything but blame him. I was too scared of losing him. Besides, it’s more insidious than that.
When we’ve been in an abusive relationship for some time, a form of traumatic bonding takes place. It’s a bit like Stockholm Syndrome. Named after the hostages of a bank robber in Stockholm started to feel sorry for and side with their captor.
When we first meet our abusive partner the emotional connection is intense. As the relationship progresses they start to isolate us from family and friends. Anyone who might give us a healthy reality check on what is happening. We may not be aware of it, but an unhealthy attachment to them starts to form. We become dependent on the person who is hurting us. We need them to make us feel good after abuse. We numb our emotions. Our gut instincts no longer work and this only accentuates our denial. We believe our own rationalisations that the abuse isn’t as bad as we think it is.
Their manipulative tactics are also designed to make us accept responsibility for their behaviour. We internalise this blame and rationalise that: If I hadn’t done this or that, they wouldn’t have got so angry. Had I not said this or that, the abuse wouldn’t have happened. We feel helpless. Trapped. I did. And I also kept how bad things were hidden from others. I didn’t reach out for help.
Until you can admit there is a problem, you won’t take steps to change it. Whilst you are convinced that you can affect them to change, simply by changing what you do and say. Whilst you keep changing your behaviour and taking responsibility for theirs, you’re hanging onto hope things will one day be okay. So, you stay in the relationship waiting and hoping for it to improve. But the emotional and/or physical abuse only gets worse.
2) Admitting reality
This is when you start to admit to yourself the reality of what you have been denying and minimising for so long. Admitting that my life was out of control was one of the hardest steps I had to take. For a long time, although I was able to acknowledge the severity of what I was experiencing, I was still paralysed, unable to take steps to change it.
This is a time when your feelings shift back and forth from realising you are a victim of domestic abuse to denial of it and back again. You love their good side, but you hate the bad. You are on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s a very confusing time.
The thought of leaving terrifies you. Even though they’re hurting you, you don’t want to lose the person you love. I still loved my ex. I had a son with him now and was desperate for us to be a family. I just wished the abuse would go away. I’d rather wait and hope he’d change.
Others might fear harassment or stalking if they leave an abusive partner. Or being left financially destitute, unable to get a job. Just the overwhelming fear of starting over again can be crippling, especially if it involves moving away and going into hiding, say in a domestic violence shelter.
At this point the fears of leaving outweigh the risks of staying. But there’s a huge gap between the often-exaggerated memories of the good times, and the painful reality of how toxic the relationship has become. Even after my ex almost killed me by strangling me, I still convinced myself things would one day be okay. But gradually the balance tipped the other way. I moved into the next stage.
3) Preparing to leave
When we realise that sustaining the status quo means we put ourselves and our children in danger. We become aware we have no other choice but to leave. If not, the abuse will only escalate further. At worst, we risk losing out life.
First, I had to admit my life was out of control. Then I had to see him for who he really was. Not the person I had projected onto him. Not the one I was waiting and hoping he’d change to become. By now I’d learnt that I had to accept the things I couldn’t change. Which was him. I had to find the courage to change what I could. Which was me. I had to let go of trying to fix him, save him, rescue him. I had to focus on me.
I remember the moment so clearly as if it was yesterday….. when it dawned on me that meant accepting him for who he was right now. Not who I hoped it might become one day in the future. What if he never changed into this fantasy person I had in my head? I knew I had to leave. My safety and that of my child finally outweighed my denial. I had clarity for the first time.
4) Leaving.
This is an enormous step to take. It’s the culmination of years of having to challenge your fears over your future, your doubts that things are as bad as they seem. Facing down the uncertainty over whether you are making the right decision. Questioning what will happen, to you or to them, if you take this step. It is a very anxious time.
Often it takes another horrendous incident, following a lull in the abuse (and the promise that it will never happen again) that’s finally the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
I can’t recall exactly what triggered the moment I finally walked free. But it was at night, when I knew he wouldn’t be home for a while. I packed my baby and the bare essentials into my car and left.
You never realise your strength, survival skills and ability to cope under such duress before having to walk away from an abusive relationship.
5) Staying strong
This is one of the hardest stages. Where you need to stay strong. To maintain the gains you’ve made leaving behind a toxic relationship that was filled with injury, fears and pain. That’s easier said than done. You think that when you leave an abusive relationship that’s it, it’s over, it’s the end. But it’s not. It’s just the beginning. In some ways, it can be the most painful part.
6) Termination stage
This is the point – if you’re lucky enough to get there – where you have finally terminated an abusive relationship, mourned its loss and started life anew, safely and securely.
I got there. It was one of the toughest journey’s I have taken in my life. I relapsed along the way. And it took many more years to understand why I was attracted to the type of person who would hurt me like that, why I stayed when others wouldn’t have and to build my self-esteem to such an extent where I can maintain healthy boundaries in all aspects of my life.
But it was also the most empowering one. I not only found self-confidence and self-esteem I never had. I went on to find long-term healthy love with the man I am married to now. The lessons I learnt from this relationship have benefitted me in relationships with friends, work colleagues and my career.
But what I am most proud of is that I have broken the destructive and addictive cycle, and not passed the negative patterns down to my sons. There is life after abuse. And it can be a positive one.
Are you going through any of these stages at present? Let me know in the comments below.
If you need professional help, advice or support please see Domestic Violence resources here .
* This is based on the ‘Readiness to change and the corresponding stages-of-change model’ developed from extensive research on self-changers (Prochaska, Norcross, and DiClemente 1994)
Try leaving when you don’t have a career or money for college or skills to earn enough to support yourself without this “abusive” partner who is giving you shelter and food, etc., and it’s not so much better on the other side. I am no longer in such a relationship as my friend has passed, but boy were we given hell from neighbors and landlords for not living up to society’s standards such as me leaving a bad relationship! Nobody should be forced out of their home because others can’t stand to hear a couple not getting along, as was my case. If there had been government funding to help a woman of domestic abuse learn in a field of her choice and gain sufficient pay from employment to afford supporting herself, then yeah, sure she could easily break away from a relationship she truly wants to leave! Doing so in my case would’ve landed me homeless and subject to more abuse from living on the streets of the slums! Also, anything I did earn from a menial low wage paying job would’ve all went for rent and not a dime to continue being able to afford healthy food my sickly body needed so badly! How was this foolish move going to make me healthier and happy? My “abusive” partner (mental, never physical) paid the rent for the lot our home was on so that helped me to use my skimpy salary to stay healthy which is equally, if not more important than hurrying out of a bad relationship! Again, it’s all about others having zero tolerance to hear a couple arguing!! There would’ve been more benefit for them than for me had I ran off into oblivion! Just needed to give my two cents about this article floating around my news feed! Thanks.
I agree with you Debbie, a lot more needs to be done to help those who aren’t in a financial position to get out of abusive relationships.
He told that he doesnt love me anymore, and I walked away. It was hard but I managed to move away from his house. But then the next day he put the blame on me for going away after a fight. I am confused and still am. He havent removed my picture or removed my things, but he doesnt exactly cajole me to return. Being the fool I am, I am messaging him still to return to him although I know he will hurt me still. I am so confused and feel so stupid
Please don’t feel stupid Anni, this happens to all of us in relationships like this. The most important part of your message is that you say: ‘I know he will hurt me still’. You deserve better than this. Being in love and relationships should not equal being in pain or being hurt by someone. That is not a healthy relationship. Please trust your gut here. It is telling you this relationship is not good for you. I know how strong the pull is back to him. Please get help and support to help you break free. I’ve listed free helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I also have a closed FB Group in which you can get support from others going through what you are or further ahead in their recovery from an abusive relationship: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/ You are not alone.
I have been with him for 5 years. I’ve left 5 times. I have two children. One is his, the other is not and he made me send him away, he made me believe my son was hurting our shared son.
My mother and her side of the family have given up on me. My father was abusive when I was a child and currently has my oldest son, with my permission.
I want to leave. But I am scared. I am terrified. I just got a new job, but I know he’ll make me quit. He threatens my life, the life of my oldest child, and his own life. I have nobody to lean on at all. I know what this relationship is, I am aware of what’s going on. I am so scared though. I own a car that i have refused to put in his name. But i have nowhere to go, nobody to talk to, and i won’t leave our child with him. I want my oldest back from my father. My father Belittles me and makes me feel worthless. To the point where I haven’t spoken to my oldest child since before Christmas because every time I have called, my father has made me feel like I will never be anything but a failure.
I feel horrible about myself. I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid that if I leave, again, I’ll just come back to this person.
I know it’s all related, my abusive father, getting into the abusive relationship, feeling the way I do…..
I’m emotionally spent. I’m physically exhausted. I can’t seem to get out of bed, most days. I’m isolated. We live on quite a bit of acreage and I wasn’t allowed to have a phone again until recently. When I’ve shared my story with social workers in the past, they’ve become angry at me for not leaving sooner. I can’t keep having people mad at me when I’m trying to do the right thing.
I don’t even know what I expect from writing this. I just want to have both my kids, my job, and some PEACE. But I don’t think I’ll ever manage to work it out.
Hi Liz, I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and are going through now. I agree with you, you need to get out for your sake and that of your son. If he has already threatened to kill you both, then he is capable of doing so. You can’t do this alone. I’m sorry you were blamed by social workers in the past. This is not your fault. But please do try again to get help. The first step is contacting one of these free domestic abuse helplines in confidence for help and support: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ Do not tell him you are doing this as you’ll need to plan any exit carefully, as that is the riskiest time. You deserve peace and there will be the right support to help you to do this. You’ll also need help to process the abuse in your past, so you don’t repeat this pattern in any future relationship. I also have a closed FB group if you’d like to join this as there are others going through what you are going through who can also share their experiences with you. https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/
Don’t feel bad. I’d leave when I got to point of suicide. Had to beg him back sometimes. Ten years all my 30s now the state not even me put my case against him. I am the only one to touch his heart but he tells me kill myself , etc etc. I tried twice. Now, when we fight and we don’t live together now. I say I don’t understand ur anger disorder is going rt. Now and try to hang up. We’ve tried code words so I can hang up. Etc. He is vicious verbally was physically emotionally blackmailing but I cant let him stand alone. Like he’s my cult leadèr and he always repeats phrases, started by calling me same time every night ten years ago on April first, and have a gifted gorgeous little girl, that didn’t change him . He once held a gun out telling me he didn’t love me to end out sorrow and kill myself. I ran out.
Have you considered getting help and support to break all contact Alli? I would be careful of this man.
I had been with my ex for 8 months , and broke up twice in between and finally I ended the relationship , because he always tried controlling me ,
Put so many restrictions , insulted me a lot n never trusted me and in the end blamed me for everything and also it kinda felt Asif he just wanted my body not me , after breaking up I kinda tried a rebound to move on but I wasn’t able to do that , I went to him to ask him to comeback idk why , and he knew bout the rebound somehow , he said he hates me and had moved on from me , and he called his friends and told them to take me away , it hurt like hell , the point is that he keeps treating me like shit and idk why I keep going back to someone who kept hurting me on purpose , I’m not able to move on , I feel like I still love him . But he’s probably over me idk how to help myself
You feel this way as you have become codependent. It’s like an addiction to someone unavailable to use who hurts us. It is not a healthy form of relationship, so the most important thing you need to do now is to take your focus off him and onto you. You can’t fix him or the relationship and you deserve better than this. You might like to read this post: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-hurts/ and this one: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-hurts/ I would also encourage you to get help and support as it is hard to do this alone. I’ve listed resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
My daughter is in a similar situation and continues to go back to her emotionally abusive, deceptive and unfaithful husband. She is very successful professionally and beautiful. The quintessential trophy wife. He also is a top earner in his field. From the outside, one would never know the private hell she has endured though he speaks demeaningly to her, even in front of family. We have addressed this and like most victims, she makes excuses. Her husband recently spent $5000 via Paypal at a strip club. He’s done this numerous times in the past but promises it will never happen again. She realizes this amount of expense has to involve sex so she told him, and us and him she wants a divorce. Already she is doubting her decision and the severity of his actions. She asked for my opinion so I told her to look up Stockholm Syndrome and to distance herself from him until she sees a professional counselor who can help her sort this out. It’s really a matter of life or death to her on many levels and I’m
just so worried and will share your resources. This is very disturbing and she is greatly at risk as are all of the other responders. Thanks for the good work you do to help others and I’m glad your life is better now.
I’m so sorry to hear this Cynthia. It must be so hard for you to watch and feel helpless. Sadly, it’s only when we hit our rock bottom and are ready to accept our situation as abusive and come out of denial, that we start to listen. The manipulation is so powerful. As is the love we feel, but don’t realise is just all part of coercive control, it’s not real. She might like to read this one (or watch the video) which outlines 14 signs you’re in an abusive relationship: Am I in an abusive relationship? 14 emotional abuse warning signs: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/ I’d read every self-help book I can get your hands on and encourage her to read them, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/ The longer she stays with him the more exposed she is to his manipulation and the lower her self-esteem will become (hence, it will be harder to leave). I’d urge her to get help and support. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’m 8 months into a relationship and at stage #3 above. It was easy to define the abuse as I had been in foster care as a child from being abused by my parents. My current partner oddly enough “saved” me from another abusive relationship that I got into when I met a boy in a neighboring foster home. However the physical, emotional/mental abuse has been far worse with this guy. I’m at a lack of resources to get out of the situation, and I can feel my mental health steadily depreciating as the gaslighting and fights continue. I’ve been having fear I might relapse in self-harm and I’m living day by day trying not too. The thought of suicide stays in the back on my mind, and I have been institutionalized for attempts three times in the past (once in the last two years and twice as a minor). I’m only 21 years old and I can’t understand why everyone in my life who was supposed to love me has hurt me so bad. I feel so stuck and have no idea where to go from here.
I’m so sorry to read this. Abusive patterns repeat so it’s sadly not surprising if you were abused as a child that you are now finding yourself in abusive relationships as an adult. Please get help and support to understand this cycle of abuse, addiction (codependency) and why this is happening to you. Especially if you are feeling suicidal. You can’t do this alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ You can break this cycle with help. You are only young and it’s not too late.
Im 7 months in and today the police escorted him out and told him he isnt allowrd back for 6 months. I had a refrain from order issued a month ago but never had the guts to call when he violated. My sons father made a restraining order for my son a stay away. They made him leave. And as im sitting here writing this im crying and feel so bad. I dont want to break and lose my kid. Ive never been so low in my life. I lost my job friends and ill be damned to lose my family. I need advice to not let him back in. I feel so weak. I cry every day when everyone used to call me the ice queen with no feelings. Idk what happened to me in such a short period of time. It got physical within 1 1/2 mnths in. Ive had black eyes bruises. Threatened to kill me while he held me down w a screwdriver to my neck. And i jst sd do it im ready. I just want to be strong again and idk if its goig to happen.
Hi Jennifer, this is difficult to deal with alone and I would urge you to get help and support to work through this. I needed this, there is no shame in getting help. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I am a male but I can definitely relate. We are married for over 18 years and together together for 20. I am now just becoming the person I used to be. She is very beautiful but not very nice I started to develop bad habits just to try to block things out but at least in my opinion she is very narcissistic. It helped me talking to one of her exes who correlated almost exactly everything I felt. She decided to leave which in hindsight it’s probably for the best. I’m morned for at least a month and still do but I realize just how awful it was you know I started to develop health problems and she would sometimes be the main person I was contact with and just be mean as hell and I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a extremely extremely painful thing. Impatient mean well I don’t need to go into it that much but just not nice. I remember one time begging getting on knee in shopping lot and begging her the stop and somebody walking by a woman looked over and started crying just plain terrible. But now I’m starting to get my personality back and I can smile and laugh even though I have my ups and downs. I feel terrible for anybody is good through that kind of situation.
Hi, I can relate, my marriage should have probably ended after 20 but it didn’t but in some ways, I am glad it didn’t because now I get some benefits if we finally split seeing as how I was a stay-at-home dad. I wish you luck and stay strong and for giving me some pointers in your story. I can see how and why I started to develop bad habits too, thanks and yes, you do lose your personality, even just from stress but also isolation and disassociation, thanks. Mike
I’m glad you’re here and that my story is helpful to you.
I am a man living under these circumstances, almost 50 years which makes it harder still. My youngest son has joined in the abuse much to my chagrin. It is very difficult as I am a veteran with a mental disability and brain injury, and have depended on my family for almost five decades, now they want to put me in a nursing home. I have bought into their realities, hook, line, and sinker. I could file papers and get half the house and pension. I dread the thought, however, because I know whatever is left, in terms of association would be gone. It is very painful, on all levels. I was physically assaulted Dec. 13th of 2018.
I told my service providers who have done nothing to intervene. Our veterans association does nothing as well and we don’t have veterans homes in Canada. It’s a hostage situation. That’s how I feel. It’s a trap that I feel daily. I get abused verbally almost daily. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am a victim of Gas-lighting and Coercive control in my view. (I am reluctant to use the term victim) I was born into the welfare system and now it seems I am ending my life the same way. It’s like a nightmare come true! My partner cut off intimacy about four years ago. I am isolated by my family, the System, and advocates!
Michael
I am so sorry to hear your story and what you endure. I wish I could offer advice, but my only suggestion would be to try one of the free domestic abuse helplines in Canada to see if they can offer any guidance and support. I’ve listed one in Canada here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ but there may be others. I hope you can find some support and the serenity you deserve.
I’ve been with this man for a year and half. He threatened too kill me. This is the third time I left. I lasted 8 days no contact. He contacted me first via text. I ignored it. I took him to court for an order of protection (still in process). He seen me in person at the apartment and tried to talk to me. I walked away until he was crying. I should’ve never gave him the time of day. Eveyday I suffer with severe panic attacks when I’m not with him (those 8 days). Medication is not working. Now eveytime he wants me I jump for him. It’s not me. It’s like I’m compelled by him. He’s ungreatful, he uses me, he puts me down, he insults my intelligence but at the same time he’s loving. Today I did him a favor and the whole time he gave me attitude and was mean and annoyed. Idk how to say no to him. Idk how to get away. He has PTSD, BPD, bipolar, anxiety and depression. He is also a drug user(which he claims he’s stopped for me). Idk why I can’t get away from him. Idk how to stop the panic attacks or why I have them. The second he hugs me they go away, but he’s the reason I have them.
You feel this way as you are addicted to him in an unhealthy way – the only man that can make you feel good is the one abusing you. You are in serious risk of losing your life to this man – 2 women are killed every week. Please get help and support to leave him safely and find the strength to stay away. Here are some more posts and videos that might help you:
Hoovering: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/hoovering/
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-hurts/
Emotionally overwhelmed. Feeling trapped: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotionally-overwhelmed/
Addicted to love: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/addicted-to-love/
Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
Gaslighting: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/gaslighting-in-relationships-2/
Why do I feel sorry for my abuser: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/feel-sorry-for-our-abuser/
I also have an online video course that will help you to understand what happened in the relationship, why you feel sorry for him and fear the future. How you can break that intense pull back and not go back. Or into another abusive or addictive relationship. How to turn your life around and go on to find healthy love. You can find out more here: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/
I would urge you to get help and support as it’s hard to break this cycle alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I urge you to get immediate help and support as you are at risk of losing your life to this man. It is like a sickness, an addiction to a man who has tried to kill you – if a man has choked you it is seven times more likely that he will kill you. You need help and support to break this addiction as it is hard to do this alone. I couldn’t have done it without help and support. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Is this really true about the choking and 7 times more likely. The abuse between my friend and her abuser has gone way past that. Choking, knives in throat all of the above
Yes, this is true. The odds go up by 750%. Here is another post I wrote on this: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-statistics/
Your friend is at serious risk of him killing her, especially if he has choked her. If he is putting knives at her throat he is telegraphing to her that that is what he can do. She needs help and support to leave this man. Coercive control is so manipulative, it is hard to do this alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I have a friend who is currently going through this. I worry everyday but she hasn’t quite gotten to the leaving stage. She has left numerous times but goes back every time. I’m not sure how to help except continuing to be there when she needs and hope for the best. I lost her last year after stepping to far into the situation and I was not allowed at her house anymore and that hurt so now I try not to get involved but it’s hard
I know how hard this is as to watch. The sad thing is we don’t listen until we hit our own rock bottom and are ready for help and to listen. It takes a woman 7 times on average to leave a violent man. It is so hard to break free from coercive control and the cycle of abuse. Perhaps you can tell her you love her, fear losing her and give her the statistic that the odds of him killing her go up to 750% if he has choked her. 2-3 women are killed every week and you don’t want her to be one of them. Also give her the numbers she can call anonymously for help: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Thanks for your quick reply. I do have one more question if you don’t mind me asking. My friends bf has a substance abuse problem and has been in his addiction off and on for years. One thing or another. This is one of her biggest excuses she makes for him is that this isn’t truly him or he wouldn’t do this if he was clean (although he hasn’t stayed clean for any substantial amount of time) but my question is are there any statistics on this or do you yourself believe what she says is or could be true?
He left me saying I’m impossible to live with but not that long ago he used to say how easy I was to live with. I don’t understand how it got to this point and am desperate for answers that I know I’ll never get. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am horrendous to live with. I’m so confused and miss him terribly. I try to put on a brave face when he collects our daughter but I struggle to even breath when I see him. I don’t know how to be ok again. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.
In other words, he is blaming you for everything, which is unreasonable. It is hard to recover from this and heal on your own. I would consider getting help and support. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’m 24 years into my relationship with my husband. He has beaten and throttled me and is drunk when he’s not working. I have CPTSD and our 16 year old son has PTSD. I realised the reality of my situation a couple of months ago and he has discarded us telling our family and friends that the split is mutual as we don’t make each other happy any more. They all know about the abuse, but as I have no family, there’s never been anyone to defend me. He is very charismatic and I have absolutely no one to talk to about the trauma I’m feeling from the discard. He moved us 400 miles from our home just before he left meaning I don’t have a job here or any friends to go out with. I’m lost.
Nicola, I’m so sorry to hear this. I urge you to get help and support for you and your son from one of the free domestic violence helplines as it is so hard to go through this alone. I know how hard this is right now but it is good that he has left. If he has strangled you then the risk of him killing you go up bu 750% so you were in a lot of danger. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Thank you, Vivian
My pleasure. Stay strong.
I am free!!!! Free from fear, free from abuse, free from shame, free from the guilt, free, free, free!!!! I have the overwhelming love of God, and have so much joy today. I just want to jump up for joy and exclaim it to the world what Jesus has done for me!!! He saved me not once, but twice from destructive relationships!!!
He is sooooo good!!!!
I’m 15. I went through a really bad relationship, and reading this really helped me to understand it. Thank you so much for writing this article. We were together since December 2018 and I broke up with him in January. He still messages me occasionally, I never told him the real reason why I broke up with him. I just told him it was because we weren’t going to work out because of my college plans. In reality it’s because of all the bruises, emotional manipulation, and being forced to do things I didn’t want to do that I hated. He was abusive in more ways than one. I’ve forgiven him and myself but sometimes I still struggle to understand everything, this helps. My life is awesome now, I’ve made a new best friend who’s helped me through everything and I’m going steady in school and my extra curriculars. I don’t have to hide stupid things from my parents anymore and I don’t have to isolate myself from people. I have fun and enjoy life 😀 I’m not getting a boyfriend again until I’m 20 lmao, dating is done for now. So thank you so much for posting this article for everyone to read! 🙂
I’m so glad you found me and you are breaking free from this whilst young. Always know you are enough. More than enough and you deserve better than this. Put you and your needs first always.
Still trying to figure out where I fit in. I kind of think I fit here, but my husband isn’t physically abusive. Narcissist as all get out. We separated 4 months after our son was born, though he had been distant for far longer than that. Moved his new gf in as soon as I was out and still feels the need to boss me around. Doesn’t like when I out my two cents in.
I hope you can find the healing you need. Stay strong.
I was in a a toxic cycle recently and was accused of being abusive emotionally and she said she had Stockholm’s syndrome. I love how only one person can accuse another of abuse and no one gets to hear the other side of the story. All I know is I tried to love her and realized at times she wasn’t the right person. This led to a dragged out , no direction relationship that drove her nuts because I wouldn’t commit. I didn’t do it on purpose. When I didn’t give her what she expected , she called me abusive, which pushed me further away. My lesson from all this was don’t stay in a relationship for convenience or a relationship where you question if you’re with the right person. It will come back and bite you. Ultimately she claims she was the victim of abuse and I still scratch my head wondering why. If you love someone so much and they aren’t responding the way expect, talk about it, work it out for good or bad. Don’t accuse them of abuse.
Sorry to hear that. It’s good you didn’t settle for someone you knew wasn’t right for you.
I’m in a painful situation right now. My girlfriend and I got STD testing when we first started our relationship. Girlfriend of six months tells me last Friday she wants to help an old friend through some emotional trauma caused by some previous relationship with other people. She claimed she is treating this persons depression. I gullibly went along with this this. Then the plot thickens, she tells me she has also had a relationship with this person before. So to try to make me feel better about the situation she then reveals to me that he is infected with genital herpes from some other girl, and that he just needs a friend to chat with in person. As if to smooth things over with me. The plot further thickens when she reveals its a wealthy man and they are staying at an expensive resort hotel. Three days after she has been there this week she reveals that there has been some close intimacy with him where she allowed him to kiss her on the neck and cuddle her. It gets worse, She then reveals that he has masturbated in front of her in the shower at the hotel and that she masturbated herself while watching him do so. And while performing a back rub on another day she allowed him to masturbate in front of her again. In all these revelations she is claiming some sort of moral high ground and that she didn’t do anything wrong and that she is somehow helping this person. She claims no bodily fluid contact but I highly doubt any words from her because it’s obvious there is more to the story. So I started to put my foot down about things and of course she just immediately claims that
‘oh everything’s fine I just won’t do that stuff anymore’ but will not leave this obviously manipulative person at the hotel. The guy who’s doing this obviously knows I exist and has taken no responsibility or consideration to what would happen if she becomes infected and then infects me. So I try to play nice with them and try to ignore it and ask them to not do those things anymore, But I’m like 200 miles away from where they are at in the nice resort hotel and there is nobody to govern their choices but themselves. So I really put my foot down today and asked my girlfriend that the guy open himself up to having legal liability if I end up being infected by proxy. I also asked for an apology from the guy, And for somebody to take responsibility for their actions in this situation. Girlfriend immediately began defending the herpes guy and told me she would pay any damages I had. Weird behavior! Insanity. So I’ve decided to just completely give up on this girlfriend and asked her to not even bother returning to my home.
Being a clean person sexually is the badge of honor that I safely own at this moment and I don’t intend to take even the smallest risk with that. She started the hotel stay on July 25th 2020, today is the 30th and she is still there and has now extended her stay with herpes guy for an extra two days in retaliation for my simple gripe about the sex acts she already confessed to and revealed have already occurred during this week. In my experience with previous relationships these small admissions are designed to take attention away from what really happened.
I can’t afford the wait nor the money for a professional psyc to speak to about this, I hope that I could see some words of support! I gotta hold my stance and stay strong, otherwise I’ll be just a gullible cuckold with STDs from secret partners I’ve never met. I can’t live like that.
I would run a mile. This is not a healthy relationship and you are right to protect yourself.
I just ended a 15.5 year marriage to a verbally abusive spouse that exhibited every single one of the traits you describe. I will be 61 next week and recently lost my executive job, which was the final straw in my leaving. I only wish I had the strength to have done it sooner; I am still fearful of dying alone, a fear only heightened by the times we are living in. I want to believe I will eventually have the strength and resources to eventually find a companion but for the time being I know I need to emotionally heal, try to find long-term work and pray our world becomes one where people will convene in person again. I welcome any and all support from people, particularly men, who can identify with my story. Finding more voices to back up my exceptionally painful but necessary choice will only help me to get a little stronger each day.
Well done for finding this courage to put you first. It’s important to heal you now before you even think about dating again. Otherwise, you’ll repeat the pattern. I have a FB Group that has quite a few men in it. I’ll send you an invite to join it. You are not alone.