Why we keep going back to abusive relationships. To the person who hurts us.
The cycle of abuse is so pervasive we develop an unhealthy addiction for the person who is hurting us.
We’re hooked in by the intensity at which they love-bomb us at the start. Only once they know they have us does their mask slip and we see their abusive side.
At first, it’s just brief glimpses that are enough to make us wonder:
Was I imagining that?
We dismiss it and the warning signs.
We also convince ourselves they have two sides. Like Dr Jekyll and Mr (or Ms) Hyde. We love the good side, we just don’t like the bad.
But we don’t see them as being responsible for both.
In fact, we forgive them for the abuse, as it’s not the real them, we tell ourselves. The loving person is.
We go on a futile search for that good side. We do anything to get them back again.
Rather than blame them for any bad behaviour, instead we change ours. What we do, what we say, to keep them happy in the hope the nice person will stay and the abusive one will go away.
But as the highs start to get fewer and further between and the lows lower and more abusive, we become addicted to chasing that high even more desperately.
Like an addict we want to feel that intense high again, to take away the pain. The one we got when we first met them and in the honeymoon periods after abuse.
It was like a drug to me.
I craved it when times were bad. It made me feel so good when he told me he loved me again and promised to change. That things would be okay.
I became addicted to the very person who was hurting me. Addicted to an unavailable man. It’s known as co-dependency.
These are some of the reasons why we keep going back to them time after time before we finally leave an abusive relationship:
We blame ourselves
Narcissistic types and abusive people instinctively target those of us with low self-esteem, who also have the propensity to only see the good in people. Who are therefore easier to manipulate.
They have a self-inflated sense of ego and entitlement and feed off others to make themselves feel good.
They see us essentially an extension of themselves, there to obey and adore them. They need total control over us. They also need us to take the blame for their abusive behaviour.
When we have low self-esteem it’s easy for us to believe that we are responsible for it. That they’re right, it’s because we said this or did that, that made them get angry and hurt us.
During the early stages of the relationship, when we have been hooked in by their charismatic side and they then start to show us a glimmer of that darker side.
This is how they test our boundaries over what we will and won’t accept. How they establish the ground rules of the relationship, which is that we accept responsibility for the relationship and anything that goes wrong in it, particularly their bad behaviour.
That we will take the blame.
Once they’ve established that then they start to groom us with insidious manipulative tactics such as gaslighting, mirroring and shifting the goal posts.
This strips us of what little self-esteem we have and cements their control over us even further.
But when we leave them, they fear that loss of control and so do everything they can to manipulate us to get us back.
They play on our fears that we aren’t good enough, that we’ve failed them and the relationship. The one we have been taking responsibility for.
It is hard for us to shake that belief, given it’s been so ingrained in us from the start. And that make us feel guilty for abandoning them, as ‘we’re the only person who can help them change’ or so they convince us to believe.
You are not to blame for feeling this way. It is a form of brainwashing and happens slowly over a period of time.
[bctt tweet="Loving a narcissist is like being a frog in boiling water."]
We’re like a frog in boiling water, that doesn’t notice the heat inching up in tiny increments, until it’s too late.
We are addicted to them
The cycle of abuse, with its highs and lows leads us to develop an unhealthy addiction to them.
But it’s not just us craving the high of being basked in their sunshine again after abuse. It’s also more complicated than that.
The cycle of abuse is a battle for control. Not just them wanting control over us. But, although we don’t realise it at the time, we have a dysfunctional need for control over them as well.
Whilst they are abusive towards us they feel in control. When they are remorseful and fearing they’ll lose us as a result of it, we have control of the relationship.
They need us. Only we can rescue them. We’re the ones that can save them from their damaged selves.
The see-saw of who is in control swings back and forth.
We have a need to be needed and their depending on us, needing us to help them change into the person we believe them to be deep down inside, feels good to us.
It makes us feel wanted, loved and special. We keep giving them one more chance.
We’re convinced they’ll change
All they need is for us to show them we love them more, prove to them we are worthy of their love. That we can see their vulnerable, damaged side and it’s okay. We can help bring their true side out.
But this is a false hope.
Nothing we do or say can fix them. Only they can heal themselves.
But it’s a hope that makes us stay, even after abuse. And go back to them again and again, even after that abuse escalates and we risk our lives.
We fear the future
The fear of the unknown can be crippling.
Whether it’s a fear of how we’ll support ourselves, how we’ll raise children alone. Of going into hiding in a shelter. Or just a future of living without them. It’s terrifying.
I faced the prospect of life as a young, single mother which scared me. And I loved him.
The thought of never seeing him again, never feeling that drug-like high ever again killed me.
It’s often not our choice to leave. It’s how we’re treated that makes the relationship impossible to stay in.
And that hurts. Badly.
It was fear of what people would think of me that stopped me telling the truth about my violent ex too and for staying for longer than I should have.
I covered it up and went back to him after he almost killed me. I was afraid too, of what would happen if I left.
So, I lived the lie we were a happy family.
I wanted so bad for it to be true. The fear of losing him outweighed the risk of losing my life to him.
We want closure
One of the hardest things for me to realise was I was never going to get that.
It took me a long time to realise this was never going to happen. That he couldn’t see any other point of view but his own.
Narcissists have a lack of empathy. They have no concept as to how their actions make us feel.
They get frustrated when we do just do what they want us to and allow them control. They throw tantrums and bully us to get it back again.
They often even, successfully, portray themselves as the victim.
You must break this negative cycle.
Part of that is to let go of this concept. You won’t get closure.
They will never tell you those words you so desperately need to hear. You might be waiting and hoping for a lifetime, before they’ll change.
Do these feelings resonate with you?
Are you struggling to leave a relationship you know is no good for you?
Do you keep giving them another chance?
You’re not alone. These feelings are normal and we all go through this.
Finding the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship is tough. This is why we go back many, many times before we finally have the will to do so for good.
Not only have they convinced us we are to blame and we’ve convinced ourselves they can change. But, we’re desperate for their good side to overcome their bad and they’ll finally admit we were lovable and did put their interests first, all along.
But the most difficult thing to break is our addiction to them.
Particularly, as the cycle of abuse has ground us down and our self-esteem along with it. When you have little self-worth it’s hard to find the courage to admit we deserve better.
Withdrawing from an abusive relationship feels the same as breaking an addiction to an opiate. The pull back to them is intense.
All I wanted was for the pain to go away.
All I needed was for him to tell me he loved me, it would never happen again.
Just one more hug and I would give him another chance. It’s easier to do that than face the agonising withdrawal of walking away.
Are you always giving them one more chance? Even when you know the relationship is bad for you? Let me know in the comments below.
If you need professional help, advice or support please see Domestic Violence resources here.
You are spot on! thank you for the insight.
My pleasure. I hope you are okay and are staying strong x
Exactly my story up there
I am struggling with staying away from a verbally abusive relationship of 2 1/2 years and madly googling trying to find out how I don’t cave and run back into his arms. I keep telling my friends that I honestly feel addicted to him. This article is one of the best I’ve read. Very helpful to know others experience the EXACT same thing I do.
Sorry to hear you are struggling. The pull back to them is so strong, I know. It was intense for me. It is an addiction and the best way to get over it is to go Cold Turkey, if you can. It is very painful but time is your friend. It’s like a plant. Don’t water it, it withers away. I have posted quite a few posts of late that will be helpful to you in where you are right now. I hope you can take the time to read those and watch those videos. Have you seen that I just launched my Start with Me: Survivor to Staying Strong online video course? I designed it especially to help people who are struggling with leaving or after leaving an abusive relationship. How to stay strong and not go back to them. How to trust again and date again. I know this would really help you. You can do it in your own time, at your own pace. But there is also a secret Facebook group, where you’ll fond others going through it alongside you. And I give my direct support in there as well. We have just started. I only open this up a few times per year. Doors just closed to new students for this round, but if you feel this would help you I’d be happy to have you join us. Let me know if you would like me to send you the find out more about it. Stay strong x
I left my very abusive husband almost 3 months ago. He has tried to kill me and I still have the pull to go back. I’m sad. I’m now in a shelter; he doesn’t know where my child and I are. This is the time that I left for good.
I’m so glad you are safe and away from him Jahmina. I know how hard this is for you as my Ex tried to kill me too and even after that I felt that strong pull back to him. This is because we become addicted to them, what’s known as codependent on them. After the cycle of abuse wears us down it gets to the point where the only person who can make us feel good about ourselves again is the same person who hurts us. We want to go back to them, even after abuse.
This is not love or a healthy relationship. If you do get pulled back you risk losing your life, as you already know. So, it is important to break that cycle. You can’t do this alone. You may feel strong now, but as the days go by it will get harder to resist that feeling of love and desire to go back to him again. Please get support and professional help. I’ve listed anonymous, free support lines here where they can guide you: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Please stay safe and get support to stay strong. Keep reading my posts and watching my videos too, as I hope they can help. I’ve been through what you are going through now. You can do this. There is life after abuse. You and your child deserve better. Always remember that x
Thank you. I subscribed
I need support. I am about to leave for the 3rd time out of a 7 year long relationship.
Last time I went for 5 months without him, he was on bail and was not allowed near me.
I made contact with him… just a quick call to hear his voice, then it begun. I am so scared for the future and I have a 8 year old son. I really need to be able to speak to someone. Someone that can listen that isn’t family who are so very protective but biased.
Rebecca
I’m sorry for my delayed response, but I was unable to access my site. I’m sorry you are struggling too. I know how hard this is. You do need support as this is hard to do alone and you need to break this cycle of abuse for your own safety. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I also have an online program that may help you: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/purchase?product_id=433189
The best thing to do is to go no contact. Any contact and he will try to hoover you back in.
Thank you for this helpful article! I left 2 months ago and was feeling fairly good. Even when his lawyer told mine he wanted to reconcile and participate in counseling. I said no.
Now I’m being tested after unexl unexpectedly losing my job. For some reason, I started craving him. Like an addict craves. I need him to tell me it will be ok. Ironically, he would probably blame me if he was here! Followed by some loving “support” to keep me hanging on.
It truly is an addiction. Thank you for this article that helps me understand it!
I’m so glad this is helpful for you. We also want closure. For them to tell us that accept responsibility for what they’ve done to us. For them to realise we only had their best interests at heart etc. But sadly, we won’t get that. They can’t see the implications of their actions and they rarely take responsibility for their behaviour. Instead they move on to someone else that they can control, as they did us. Stay strong. It will get easier with time.
Hi Vivian, can I talk to you please (by email)?
You can message me via my Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/vivianmcgrath.me
Or you can book a 90 mins face-to-face call with me here: https://www.facebook.com/vivianmcgrath.me
Thank you for this! I just left my boyfriend after I had to call the police when he nearly killed me. Almost immediately after him being arrested, I felt guilty and can’t help but think if I had done things differently, things would be okay right now. As he was in handcuffs, I even contemplated lying and saying he didn’t hurt me, just to make things better. I’m still sore from what he did to me and in the back of my head, I’m thinking “one of his hugs will make me feel better.” I’m truly addicted to the high of the lovey dovey moments because the lows are so low. Going to follow more!
Hi Cristina, nothing you do differently will change his behaviour. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the worse the abuse gets and the harder it is to leave. Get help and support to break this addiction to him, as you deserve better.
Vivian, I’m glad I read this. I canceled my wedding and broke off my engagement to the person I truly love after he became aggressive and extremely abusive. He was very religious and I thought I was in good hands. He had been verbally and psychologically abusive throughout the relationship but I always wiped my tears, and hoped it’ll get better. I love him so much, my entire family thinks I dodged the bullet by canceling my marriage to him. they keep telling me everyday How lucky I am to be alive but so many times I remember some of the good times we had and it makes me want to go back.
I don’t know if time will heal this feeling?
Teytey
Just left my abusive partner … 4 days ago … as I’m in college I got to advised to had to tell the police … we had a big age gap In our relationship… now he is still leaving voicemails saying he will change and he’s getting help for his drugs problem …. I have gave him chance after chance …. I can’t go back I was lucky that he assaulted me in public and not alone
Hi Amy, I’m glad you did. Now, instead of focusing on if his problems and if he’ll change, focus on you. You can’t change him, but you can change you. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Work on your self-esteem and sense of self-worth, as that is the only way to find someone who will treat you as worthy.
I was in a relationship with a guy for months who was in a very bad abusive relationship before. He got hurt badly, he was on therapy because of this.. we had an amazing time together. All went well , he stopped therapy , he said he doesn’t need it anymore because he has me. I fell deeply in love with him. He was very sweet, kind, caring. He treated me Iike I wasn’t before.. we planned the future together. His ex started to contact him. He told me he is over her i do not have to worry. One day she stopped by I wasn’t there, he took her back and broke up with me.. I’m so confused, heartbroken.. i don’t understand why he took her back after what she did numerous time to him. She was even jail because she hit him so bad.
I love him and I m worry she will hurt him again.
I do not know what to do and how to handle this situation
I told him after he broke up with me i love him and I will be there for him in the future if he needs me.
I am not sure if I handled this in a good way?!
HI Andrea, sadly there is nothing you can do as we are powerless to change others. When he said he didn’t need therapy now because he had you, he was placing you in the role of his therapist and rescuer. This is not the basis for a healthy relationship as it sets you up to be responsible for his wellbeing and blamed for it if he’s unhappy. I would try to let go of him as this is the best thing to do now. Focus on your own wellbeing as a priority. Sometimes when we have the need to be needed and rescue others we feel need our help it belies insecurity within ourselves. You might not even know it’s there. Try to find happiness within you first, not dependent on any man. This comes from a high sense of self-esteem. I know it’s hard and it hurts that he has left you, but if you have a high sense of self-worth you’ll be able to use this as a lesson to teach you more about yourself and grow.
Vivian-
Do you have any advise for the friends of someone who is being emotionally & verbally abused? My best friend keeps letting her husband back – I appreciate the article explaining the why, but What can you do for a loved one who keeps going back? When you try to make them see reason they’re upset with you and they pull away. I can’t be accepting of this relationship but what can I do or say differently to not make her pull away? She’s going to leave again I know it and she’ll need me.
this really hit home for me.. i NEEDED to read this. i was hoping maybe there were things that wouldn’t apply and that maybe it was all in my head and he wasn’t abusive. but this proved to me that he is. you have given me the courage to walk away, and not keep trying to support him and fix him because it will never happen. every single thing you said was spot on, i felt like i was the one that had written it. thank you so much for this… you have NO idea how much this meant to me. i don’t know how to make this horrible tightness in my chest go away, i’m honestly terrified it never will because i don’t have him anymore. but i have to stay strong, until this feeling goes away.. thank you. and i’m so glad you got out of it and that you’re alive to tell us your story.
I kept reading hoping it wouldn’t relate! I left my bf of 11 yrs, 2 yrs ago n I found someone n he treats me well problem is I keep being friendly with my abusive ex with the urge of going back because I have 2 kids with him and he says he has changed,the time away has given him time to change, he treats me well and is determined to get me back to da point dat I give him hope dat I am not dating my current bf, my bf and I live in the same area and so he sees my ex when he drops the kids, I sometimes let him stay for long and see dat I’m too friendly and suspects something is going on and I would secretively go out with my ex on dates. I love my bf alot n his good with my kids too, why am I doing this, has he really changed? I think part of it is I don’t wanna hurt my ex coz he says I have betrayed him by dating my current bf coz it’s someone he knows, they not freinds though n he says that he has hurt me but never left me all those years and always came back to me but I walked out and left for good and we have kids and he has changed… I have even began to limit my bf I don’t post him because I don’t wanna hurt my ex and I lied and said I’m not dating my bf anymore so he keeps calling and doing things he was not doing while we were together to show he has changed… I’m confused part of me says I worked so hard to walk out and what if he hasn’t changed and it I go back what about this bf who has excepted me as I am, whom I love? Part of me says what he has changed, don’t my kids deserve to be raised by both parents? My kids are still under 5 years I’m confused and I’m frustrated after all these years of staying away why am I still in the circle?
I would be very sceptical about his promises to change. As you say: ‘I don’t wanna hurt my ex coz he says I have betrayed him by dating my current bf’ – he is still blaming you. You have not betrayed him. You left as he was abusive towards you and you are not to blame for that. You have the right to leave him and find someone who treats you better. What happens is we confuse chaos and drama for love. We are addicted to them as co-dependents too, so we crave the fix they give us when they tell us they really do love us after all etc. We fear relationships in which the person is available and nice to us. It brings are fears of abandonment out – what if they work out what I’m really like and leave me? So we push them away and go back to what is familiar to us – the rollercoaster of the abusive relationship. Whilst we can focus on the person who is more damaged than we are we don’t have to admit it is us that needs fixing and help. I would suggest you not focus on either of these men, but be still with yourself and focus on healing you. Unless you address why you are attracted to someone who hurts you, you will keep going back and the abuse will only get worse. You may not realise it but your self-esteem is probably low. It’s important to build your sense of self worth first. Only then will you be able to set strong boundaries, realise what is healthy love and what is not and that you deserve better. I hope that helps?
My story is similar to the others. I meet my ex through my previous job and actually began dating after I left for my new job. He started of being attentive and kind. Within in the first 2 month had told me he loved me and wanted to marry me one day. After a month and a half of dating our first romantic encounter was very odd, he literally said this isn’t working for me and rolled over and went back to sleep. I was confused and found the whole thing odd. This happened quite often. He refused to use birth control and screamed and mocked my performance stating I was the most difficult person he had ever been with. When it came time to buy a home after we became engaged we had an argument that esculated to the point I had to let him out on the side of the road because he was screaming profane names at me and telling me he was going to start punching me in the face if I didn’t stop the car, that I was kidnapping him and holding him against his will. He would apologize and beg me to come back saying he would change. I am not perfect and like to speak my peace in an argument and he always said I pushed him too far. He would pack his things and threaten to leave saying he did not need this. On another occasion when I ask why and who he was buying expensive gifts for it blew up to an argument and eventually esculated to him yanking my purse off my shoulder, kicking my cellphone from my hand, breaking the front door and grabbing me by the chest and pushing me against the kitchen wall screaming in my face. Again followed by the “I will change promise”. The last occasion before I left I had planned a nice day trip for us to which he was angered by because he was not prepared and because he said I was telling him what to do he did not want to go. After making me cry he told me I was abusive to him and it was like abusing a child and you could only do that for so long before they get a shotgun and shoot you in the face. That was my wake up call. Even though he was not always this way and could be a caring person I knew this was a thought he had had before and I chose to leave. It has killed me emotionally because it is so different to leave someone because of fear and not because you don’t love them. I have had a hard time staying away in spite of all the mentioned above. It is a daily struggle. I have decide to seek professional counseling for help with the problems this has obviously caused.
Hi Dee, I am so glad you have got out as he has already telegraphed to you that he could kill you. 2-3 women are killed every week, so you are right to take this threat seriously. Once they start saying things like that, the likelihood is there that they will act on it. I am also pleased you are seeking counselling, as leaving an abusive relationship is hard. We go back as it is easier than facing the pain of withdrawing from them.
I was the same as you. I had no choice but to leave for my safety. I still loved him. The pull back to him was so strong, I wanted to run back many times. It hurt. I also wanted closure where there was none, which is tough. I secretly hoped that one day he’d turn into the fantasy man I had in my head. But ask yourself this. Are you waiting and hoping for him to change into the dream person and relationship you have in your head? What if he never changes and this is who you have? Is this good enough for you? Also, remind yourself the reasons you left still stand, no matter how much he starts to try to hoover you back with promises to change. And the longer you stay, the worse the abuse will get and the harder it will be to leave. Get out now while you can. There is life after this and it can be so much better, I promise. Do what you are doing: focus on you and your recovery. Don’t look back. Stay strong.
Hi, my story is quite sad, I’m a mature aged lady & was with my partner 18 years younger than me, for 18 years.
Things were amazing for about 2 years then the verbal abuse started which led to the occasional physical abuse which I believed was caused when he was intoxicated. The relationship ended after 9 years, then for 2 years although we didn’t live together, we started seeing each other again.
Things were really no better then, but as you have said I felt addicted to the good person I knew & loved . We started living together after those 2 years. It’s been a emotionally volatile journey.
There was no further physical abuse, but the narcissistic & gaslighting behaviour left me a broken women. Yelling very loudly at me when he felt challenged or I stood up for myself sent me into a private depression. I was brave enough to leave last year under extraordinary circumstances. I still can’t believe I’m here to write this .
A few months after leaving we started messaging each other. He new I wasn’t returning & excepted that…. so things felt comfortable between us & I feel like we are just friends…. as we still very much connect on the verbal scale & we both still love each other… although I never say it.
My problem is, he has just told me he has met someone & I’m devastated!!
I can’t sleep, eat or function.
When I finally replied to him I said how sad I was & in a desperate moment asked about us getting back together. He was shocked & happy but still not sure.
I said I was sorry for making that comment & he should make a life for himself & have children.
I don’t think I do want to get back together, I think I’m thinking about the new person in his life is 20 years his junior, (I expected that as I’m 18 years older than him) but I feel like I’m losing my best friend who has just found a new best friend. My family would be very annoyed if they thought I would consider going back. But I don’t think that’s what I want, I think I’ve just enjoyed the daily contact with him & we have got on so well now we don’t live together. In hindsight I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be drawn in by the messages but he has a way of keeping me on the hook.
I really feel stuck. I am not interested in being with another person.
At my age I can’t even imagine starting over again, I have been happy on my own (with his messaging contact) but now I feel lost !
Hi Lorraine. You have said that this man verbally abused you, occasionally physically abused you too. His gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour left you a depressed, broken woman. Yet you want to go back to him. He has a way of keeping you on the hook as that is what narcissists do, particularly if they think they are losing control over you. They also use triangulation – the threat of another woman, for example – to make you insecure and want them more. Forgive me if I am being harsh, but I think you are in love with and missing the fantasy of what you think things could be. Not facing the reality of who this man is now. Why are you convinced he has changed? If you go back to him, I believe the cycle will resume and probably get worse. I think your family are right in protecting you. I would consider getting help and support to work on yourself, understand why you love someone who has hurt and abused you. To break this cycle and move on to a healthier life. One in which you do not feel lost without him or any other man. You are enough. This might help you too: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/
I was with my husband for 8 years before he laid a hand on me. I didn’t realize that I was being abused the whole time.
In Oct of 2016 I found that my husband was cheating on me while I was 4 months pregnant with our 3rd child. He pushed me , cursed at me, and threw a table at me. From then on, it escalated. He sexually assaulted me one night and strangled me a few days later. I called the police.
But he didn’t get to serve time. He seemed so apologetic and I took him back. He was changing and things were going well. Until I found out he was cheating on me again 2 months after I had our baby. I forgave him.
A few months later, he was still cheating on me, I confronted him, he put his hands on me, and I kicked him out. He blamed me for it, but I called the cops again. The side woman keeps bailing him out, and when he does, he comes crawling back to me.
I’m hoping he will serve time this time around.
I don’t love him. I’m addicted to the good times and the nice/good things he does for our kids, but I know now that he will never change
Hi JJ, you are at the turning point where you will now start recovering and heading towards the light. That’s a huge step. You have made him accountable for his abuse by calling the police. You understand that it was an addiction to the nice side of him, not a healthy form of love. And you accept that he will never change and are putting your wellbeing first. Well done to you. I am so relieved and glad you are out of this relationship. Men who have strangled you are capable of killing you. If they have done it once the odds they will do so go up by an alarming 750%. It is one of the most dangerous warning signs. I hope you are getting help and support to work on yourself, so you can rebuild your self esteem and learn to have strong, healthy boundaries. Stay strong.
The endless lies of him telling me everything will change. After 10 years it has changed. It is only worse. I can connect with everything in this article. I feel so alone. I have disconnected from everyone in my life because I don’t want them to know the abuse I have tolerated. It’s embarrasing. But I think after 10 years I finally have reached my limit. It’s going to be tough. He can be a kind gentle man. But he can also be a demon. Went to marriage counseling. I felt he always manipulated it to make him a victim. Actually marriage counseling is not recommended because the abuser tries to manipulate it so he is the victim. I hate I have wasted 10 years of life. I hate more I allowed myself to fall in love with someone who obviously didn’t care about me.
Please don’t feel shame or embarrassment over staying with this man. Coercive control is highly manipulative and the longer you are exposed to it the more your self-esteem is stripped away. They isolate us too, so it becomes very hard to leave. We also believe the nice side of them and they might one day change if we prove we love them more. I’ve written more on this here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/ and here:
They do also manipulate counsellors too, as I witnessed this is my own case. I would suggest getting help and support as it is very hard to deal with this alone: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Put you and your needs first now. Don’t look back as it’s never too late to turn our lives around. Today is a new day.
I feel like my head is spinning. I left him after it got physical and it was already emotional. I get very confused because we went through really hard times together- both my parents deaths in a year. He was there for me but I know we have problems before that. I left a year ago and thought it was the end. He found his way back into my life and I agreed to see him. He said I was the only one and that we just went through crazy things that’s made us reach a breaking point. It does feel like a drug. I now live 10hrs away and he’s convinced me to move back. I know it’s not right but I feel like I will be missing out on a great man if I don’t go. I was gearing up to leave the life I restarted for myself when today we were talking and somehow everything went terrible again and it’s my fault. I was explaining how he needs to take responsibility for his actions and I can’t be to blame for everything – he just didn’t get it. He has one thing of mine he just got me for Xmas and admitted he broke it because i pushed him to do so It was the only thing he had I newly cared about. I told him i don’t trust him with my things as when i left i wasn’t allowed in the house to get anything. He showed me it’s not going to change It’s jjst so hard and I feel crazy even wanting to still forgive after that. How do I get off the drug!? I’m a afraid of a life without him now not having my family and he shares being able to talk about the with me and connections I don’t know I will ever have with someone else. I don’t want to give up on someone but I also just very confused
Please don’t go back to this man Jean. You already know this answer by the words you have written. Firstly, things going bad again are NOT your fault. That is how the cycle of abuse works. It will always go bad again and it will only get worse. You set boundaries which were reasonable, that he takes responsibility for his actions and which he should do as an adult. His reaction was the shift the blame onto you saying you ‘pushed him’ to break your Xmas gift. You did not push him. He broke it because he chose to break it. You are not to blame for this. Your gut instincts tell you that you should not go back and that he won’t change. Please trust them. They are there to protect you. He will not change, especially if he is blaming you for his behavior and unless he decides to undergo years of therapy. You will not be missing out on a great man. That is just the fantasy you have of who he might one day become. He won’t. I’ve written more on this here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/ This is an addiction, he is like a drug. It is called codependency. I would suggest you get help and support to understand what is happening to you in this relationship and how to break the cycle. The most important thing is to not go back and if you can, cut all contact. The more contact you have, the more he will lure you back in and trust me, once he has you, the abuse will only get worse. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’ve been in a abusive relationship for 7 years. He owned the house, the car, so he had all the control over me. He even deactivated my cell phone card (which was registered under him) so I could not contact people. When I refused to lend him money, he blocked the Wi-Fi in the house so I could not go to the Internet. Recently I found out he was cheating on me and after I left, he promised me he would change and convinced me to go back to him. I found out he was cheating on me again and once again I left and went to live with my mother. Now he’s hanging out with that other boy, he hasn’t started to try to win me back yet, and it hurts a lot. I want him to try to win me back even though it was a sick and toxic relationship. He pulled me away from everyone, and he called me anti-social all the time in front of people. He’s called me fat, dumb and said my voice annoyed him and he even said once after reading one of my books that no one would ever want to read that s***t. He wouldn’t let me sleep some nights because he would be playing in his cellphone all night with the lights on and if I said I was tired and wanted to sleep, he would say “I don’t care”. He was a monster, but I still love him and I want so desperately to at least stay friends with him… I feel like I’m at the brink of depression. The worst part is that he, the other boy and me all work at the same mall, and we all have break at the same time, so I keep seeing them eating together every day. I lost my appetite, and I have a really good friend who listens to me and supports me, but it’s becoming too much… I’m a 25-year-old male, who’s been dealing with this since I moved out of my mom’s house for the first time, when I was only 18. I feel like I’ve wasted such a big part of my life.
Hi Paul, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. You won’t have wasted this time in your life if you learn from it and grow into a better person. I’d urge you to get help and support to break this abusive cycle, which includes your still loving the man you call a ‘monster’. You deserve better and will find a better man, but first need to work on yourself and why you have become addicted to a man who hurts and abuses you. It’s called codependency. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I would also read every self-help book you can to try to understand what happened in this relationship and why you are attracted to him in this way. Building your sense of self-worth is the most important thing. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
Thank you for this article this is so well written. I was 4 years in an abusive relationship before I left, no matter how hard I try I have not been able to cut off communication. I know I’m delaying the healing process and that he is not healthy for me and I still can’t cut off the communication.
It’s been 8 months after I left my husband, I went back to him once, but it didn’t work. I left him not because I wanted to leave him, but I was suggested to leave by my friends and counselor so I followed their advice.
I know he emotionally hurt me a number of times. He scared me. I became depressed. But I also know that I had tendency of depression and low self esteem even before I met him. He tells me ‘You are the problem”Take responsibility!’ I feel he’s right, because I know I have my problem and haven’t taken any responsibility for my actions. I’ve been working on my self esteem issue and learning how to love myself after separating with my husband. But every single day I want to go back to him. He’s been angry I left him, but also waiting for me. He says all he wants is for me to be happy. He tells me to make decision of our relationship but I can’t get my head sorted. He pressure me to make decision. I don’t know if he’s an abuser. I may be in denial but I actually don’t know if he is an abuser. I hate myself blaming others for reason I left him, but one part of me is telling me, ‘This time, I should decide I can go back to him’. I don’t know if this is a smart decision. I am going to watch other videos of yours.
Hi Kate. I think the most important thing for you to do right now is to be still within yourself and focus on you, not him or the relationship. Listen to your friends and counselor. They all encouraged you to leave for a reason. You say yourself he was emotionally abusive and your self-esteem is low. I would advise you not to go back to him, at least not now. One the one hand he is blaming you, on the other he is telling you he wants you to be happy – yet he is also pressuring you to go back when you feel confused and may not be ready. Put aside your relationship for the moment. You don’t have to decide now if it’s over for good or not. But you need to start working on yourself, your self-esteem and confidence. Only when we are whole within ourselves are we good for any relationship anyway. So you can tell him you need time first to work on you. If he can’t accept that, that’s your answer. I would suggest you get help and support to work on yourself and take time doing so, without feeling guilt or the need to put his needs above yours. Getting in touch with your needs and self-care is the most important thing. Once your self-esteem is high and you have a lot of self-love you’ll know the right answer as to whether this relationship is good for you or not. Don’t rush, take your time and make your own choice about what is good for you, not what he wants. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I also have an online video course START WITH ME: Victim to Survivor that may help you. You can find out more here: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/
I was in verbally abusive relationship for almost 3 years. He was my best friend before we had started dating and I thought I knew him better than anyone else. Everything was great when we first started dating. This guy literally catered to me. Until one day he had been drinking and drove home and I confronted him about drunk driving. He went off. Screaming at me and calling me names. Saying hurtful things to me about my kids and my family. He threw my stuff around the house and got in my face and kept flipping me off 2 inches from my face. I called my brother in-law to come pick me up and had to tell him to not come in the house because my then boyfriend was threatening to shoot him. I left for a week and then went back. I don’t know why. Maybe because I thought that was not who he was and he promised me it would never happen again and he didnt mean anything he said. He even apologized to my family memebers for what he said and the way he treated me. So I went back. Then left again couple of months later and went back again then… finally I left for good. It has only been 3 months. He is now dating someone else and I am dealing with the feelings of being angry that he gets to move on and be happy and I am stuck in this daily cycle of feeling like I am having never ending anxiety. I am happy I came across this page and hoping it helps me move on.
Please be assured you are better off without him. It may appear things are all rosy with the next girl but they won’t stay that way. She will be his next victim. Focus on you, not him. It’s
Important to work on building your self esteem. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I left my husband over a month ago. He was very emotionally abusive, constantly accusing me of cheating on him, spied on me, even had cameras in the house to watch me. We have had some physical abuse in the past but that did seem to stop until the day I left and he shoved me. What you said about being addicted seemed right, I love him and I always told him that when he was good he was great and when he was bad he was awful. Lots of highs and lows. Hes been begging me back. Claiming that he has changed. It’s been really hard and I’ve done a decent job of reminding myself how bad he is for me despite how crappy I feel. We work together too so I still have to see him some. Its been hard and I find myself googling things like your site so I can remember why I need to stay gone. Thank you for that. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be happy again, I feel like I never want another relationship because it could end up the same and maybe I’m just broken now
Claiming to change and actually putting years of therapy and hard work into changing are two different things. Actions speak louder than words. You can break this addiction and cycle of abuse. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’m glad to have found this blog. I was with my Husband for 8 1/2 years before his verbal abuse turned violent. We had a pretty good relationship. I was happy accept that once or twice a year we would have a fight and he would get verbally abusive, and would slap me a bit. Nothing that I couldn’t forgive. Fast forward he started doing drugs, I left a month later. Tried to reconcile . Got stabbed once “by accident ” . But he had a knife to my throat….. It will now be a year on Saturday since I have been gone, and I still miss him every day. That man who was always there for me, the man who could make me feel like nothing else in the world mattered but the two of us . I miss my Home, I miss my dogs. I lost everything. But my life. But feel this is no life now. I rack my brain why I still love this man . But the addiction makes total since. I want him to tell me he loves me again, I want him to say he’ll get help. But I have to accept that will never happen. Nor should I ever want to go back to him risking my life. But the sad part is I probably would.
I’m so sorry to hear this. The hardest thing is we keep seeing them as having two sides. We love in hope of the nice side staying for good. We forgive the damaged side as that isn’t the ‘real’ them. But they are the same person.
You might find these posts/videos helpful to understand this:
Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
Jekyll & Hyde: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Can a narcissist change?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-a-narcissist-change/
Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Please consider getting help and support to break this addiction. No love is worth dying for.
I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I just recently “learned” that I was in an abusive relationship for 26 years (he is an alcoholic too). I knew that there was something “off” but I just accepted the behavior and changed MINE to try to make him happy. I also always blamed alcohol abuse for much of his behavior. I left him and like you said, it was like I was an addict going through serious withdrawal symptoms! We spoke every day and he begged and pleaded for me to come back to him but I said I wouldn’t consider it until he stopped drinking. Then I found he was dating numerous women just weeks after I left. I don’t think he ever cheated on me when we were married, but now I wonder. I couldn’t understand that after 26 years, he could so easily be with other women just weeks later! After I found that out, it was CRAZY, but I actually wanted him MORE. He never told me the complete truth about his affairs and even blamed ME telling me that if I didn’t leave him, he never would have went to other women. I consider myself to be a strong, intelligent woman, but I could not understand this power and control he had over me. I wound up going back to him and for the first two months, things were going well. Then the lies started to catch up to him and the anger came out all over again (and he never stopped drinking either, he said he “cut back” which only lasted for a brief time). I had been in therapy for months, but I didn’t feel like it was helping. I finally was given information recently from the local domestic abuse hotline and am getting counseling there and it has been so enlightening! Your article COMPLETELY described me and my life and now I understand that I was ADDICTED to him, his lies, and his manipulations. It has only been three weeks since it ended again and I just HOPE that with what I have been learning, I can stay STRONG.
It’s known as codependency. You are doing the right thing getting help and support to break this cycle as it is really difficult to do so alone. It will hurt, but try to ride through all the emotions that come out, process them and heal. It’s better than staying numbed. Look after yourself.
Wow, this article really hit home. I have just left my boyfriend of 3 years and moved out of our apartment about 2 months ago, after verbal and psychological abuse escalated to physical abuse quite a few times. The night I left, I was so decided! I felt I was doing the right thing and I just didn’t even think twice about it. But now, as time goes by, it’s getting harder and harder to stay away. He still messages me, saying he knows he’s been wrong and that I don’t deserve that but he will change and go to therapy and everything in me wants to believe him and give him another chance. It takes all of the strength I can muster up to not run back to his arms. I miss him so much it hurts, I have trouble eating and sleeping and I feel like I just go through every day on autopilot. There are all these facts and stories and statistics in front of me telling me that they don’t change, yet this voice in my head keeps telling me that, what if? What if he’s being honest? What if it could actually be true? And I feel so stupid for thinking that, and making it harder on myself by reminiscing on all of the good times we had together, and we had many! The abuse wasn’t happening on a regular basis, I wasn’t living with a constant monster, but when he got really angry, things got ugly. And I just wish there was a way for him to not hurt me without me having to stay away from him. You used the right word, I am completely addicted to him, and I’m afraid that this pain and emptiness and longing will never go away.
It will go away, but it takes time. Try to stay strong as the abuse will get worse. If you need help and support to do so, there’s no shame in that either. The addiction is hard to break. We cling on to the fantasy man we hope and believe they’ll become but unless they do go and put in the hard years and work with therapy nothing will change and even then there is no guarantee. Write down a list of all the abuse and when you weaken read through it to remind yourself. Those reasons still stand. I also have an online video course START WITH ME: Survivor to Staying Strong which is designed to help you stay strong, even when you feel that pull back towards him and how to break the cycle and heal. You can find out more here: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/ You might also find these helpful: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-wounds/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-healing-the-gift-of-stillness/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/hoovering/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/codependency-recovery/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-a-narcissist-change/
I find it frustrating that very few articles talk about how hard it is to co-parent with an abuser eventhough we are expected to do so.
One of the things that keeps me from leaving is that I will continually be subjected to abuse for the rest of my life, I can’t escape it because I have children with him and the Courts in Alberta, Canada don’t recognize spousal abuse as cause to restrict access.
I went through it with my ex, threats, attacks, constant demeaning comments, witholding child support as “punishment” which made ME look irresponsible because I would be unable to make payments. I know that it’ll be the same if I leave this time, except I have 2 more children now. This is an issue that should be addressed.
All that being said, this was a very good article.
I’m so sorry to hear that. That does make it so tough. I hope you can get through this and get help and support where you need it.
I am so glad I found this article. I had been married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man for 3 years. I left him in February and we are now divorced but I still struggle to not give him another chance. He says he is changed now that I have left him and that he will never try to control me or curse/name call ever again. He claims that he didn’t realize that he was so abusive and controlling. He said he just didn’t feel loved and important. I’m busy with my career and have two teenage daughters from a previous marriage so having much alone time was always an issue. He said he has never been like this with anyone else. That my not making him a priority and not making him feel loved made him insecure and he didn’t know how to handle it. He has called me some pretty nasty things in our marriage and he gave me a very difficult time if I wanted to spend time with friends during “our time.” He monitored what I wore and I began to change how I dressed. He even questioned who I texted, and monitored my Facebook. I felt like a prisoner in my own house. I would tell another person to run yet I’m still missing him terribly and struggle not to run back to him! How do you know they will never change and that it’s just another way to keep you hooked?
You should feel proud of yourself for finding the strength and courage to leave an abusive relationship. He is hoovering you and will say everything he thinks you want to hear to get you back. If he does, the abuse will return. On the one hand he says he will never do it again and he will change. But then he says: “my not making him a priority and not making him feel loved made him insecure” which is making you responsible and to blame for his behavior. Unless he accepts total responsibility for his behavior and is willing to commit to years of therapy to try to change then this will not happen and then there is no guarantee even if he does. Try to stay strong. If you can, I would go cold turkey and cut all contact. The more you are exposed to his manipulation, the harder it is and the more you will doubt your decision. Remember why you left. All those reasons still stand.
I am currently in the same situation. I have been on and off with my boyfriend for a year. It’s been harder to leave and not go back than any other relationship I have been in. We lived in the same city for half the time of being together. He was physically abusive a little, more verbally. We live far apart and he is still verbally abusive. He is super super controlling. When we are out together I am not allowed to look or speak to men. I rarely go out with because of fear that he will say something to me in public. It’s so much more things that happens in the relationship. I know the type of relationship I am in is not good. I realized I have a fear of letting go. I feel like I need a counselor to help me get through this. I hate the thoughts of him being with someone else. I don’t speak withy friend about, I know she will say “leave him”. It’s been a struggle, I do feel the pull to go back. This article was great! I just have to figure out how to let go and be happy without him.
I would urge you to get help and support, so your idea of going to a counsellor is a good one. It is difficult to break an abusive cycle alone. On average it takes 7 times for victims of abuse to leave. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
Thanks for the article. The addiction angle helps me understand better. I am a family member/friend of a a domestic violence victim/survivor. My best friend has been involved with an abusive controller for a year and a half.
We are all gay men BTW. So many people forget or don’t consider that men can be victims also. It seems that with gay men the system doesn’t work as well. The police have been called and the officers sometimes seem like they think the situation is funny. And the support for men in general and gay men in particular is not as available.
I have been his support and picked him up several times after he was beaten, berated or told to “… just go ahead and kill yourself you are a waste of flesh” He stayed with me several days after each incident. But he always goes back. I am beyond frustrated and would have dropped him as a friend but I have researched domestic viole nce. I know it’s a hellaciois cycle and I have decided to be his support and be available when he needs me. I find the hardest thing is to not bad mouth the abuser. Or to tell him he is being a F’in moron for going back.
He knows he doesn’t deserve the treatment and each time he leaves the relationship he says he will never go back.. but he does. He then feels bad because the abuser has no one else, because he has no food to eat, he blames himself for being a ‘bad boyfriend’, or “if I don’t drive him to work he will get fired” ..always a reason. Or I just want to check on him.
He will go over totalk to him, with the fantasy of getting an apology and acknowledgement for all he has done to help the abuser. It’s funny I have told him exactly what you wrote. “You will never hear those words”
When I stop getting calls or texts from my friend… He has gone back.
My friend was raised in a fundamentalist Christian household, being gay is an abomination. Thankfully he has not been shunned by his family, but they think his being gay is a sin. Even though they think his behavior is sinful, they don’t want their son abused by anyone. And he hides most of the abuse from his family. I know them but I keep his confidence. ( I think that is important to respect his wishes. He is a grown man. Even though every fiber of my being wants to spill my guts forward pictures of the bruises, tell them about the broken ribs. ) The abuser wonders why his family doesn’t invite him for Thanksgiving. (Of course the abuser says it was my friend ‘bad-mouthing’ him not the abuse or the berating abusive voice mail left on my friends dad’s, step-mom’s and mother’s voicemails)
My friend has internalized the belief being gay deserves punishment. So I think he stays and goes back to the abuse because he thinks on some level that he deserves the punishment. It reenforces the belief that being gay should be punished.
He has a key to my house and I have told him he is always welcome at my house. And I am his friend always. I don’t judge or criticise him ( sometimes my frustration will allow unkind words to escape. But I usually control it)
It’s his refuge when he needs it. I keep hoping the next time he leaves will be for good.
Sadly I think my friend will never end the relationship. It will end on the abusers terms when the abuser finds the next victim . I believe he is looking for a new mark now ( I sure hope so). The moment he reels the next guy in, I’ll be helping my friend heal a broken heart.. which will be much better than attending a funeral.
You are an amazing man and an incredible friend. I agree men can be victims as well as women and the gay community may be invisible victims. Sadly, you can’t rescue your friend, only he can make the choice that he has hit rock bottom and wants to change himself. But you can be there for him and let him know he has a safe space to go to when he is ready. However, please look after your needs too. If you are focusing on him and trying to save him at the expense of your own needs then you may be in a codependent relationship of sorts yourself. Make sure to look after you too.
This video and entry had me bawling. Thank you for sharing this, I am in bad shape, I keep going back and even tho each time I “really” leave (not just a halfhearted 24hour spat) it lasts longer (one week, two, three even), but then eventually, I always end up going back to get my fix and the next breakup is over him doing something worse than the last time he would break a “zero tolerance” rule… now all the ones relating directly to myself have been broken and I have allowed it. I need to keep trying, I constantly feel weak and don’t understand WHY this is so hard for me to execute once and for all, but it is and this kind of empathy and reliability helps me.
I was in a relationship with my abuser for 8 years. We have a beautiful child together. I left him 3 years ago after he almost killed me. He recently just started texting and calling me because the restraining order has expired. I thought he wanted to fix everything with us. I thought he has changed. But i was wrong and thankfully i didnt take him back. He was just being nice because he is having a problem with the girl he cheated on me with. They have a child together and having their second child this year. I remember when I left him, she called me to confirm that if I wasnt planning on going back with him. After that communication, i called the police on both of them and he ended up going to jail for 6months. He barely know the girl and she even put him in jail this year because of a big fight they have. Now, she has a restraining order on him but they are both still seeing each other. I remember he told me that she was educated and religious. Now, he is telling me that she doesnt have a high school diploma and just want money from him and his family. He was crying to me telling me how stress he is with this girl. And asking me to help him and be there for him. I almost took the bait but I said, “im not going back to the miserable life I had with you. That’s not my problem, your happiness isnt my responsibility”.
I dont want to feel hurt anymore. I am very glad that I am not struggling nor feeling unwanted anymore. It sucks that I have to communicate with him because of our child but now I am in controll of the situation. I dont let my child hang out with the other girl, because she is not a good person. I told him his kids can be with my child when they are old enough to be away from their mother. And he agrees. My daughter and I are living a good life now. We are doing stuff we couldnt do when i was with him.
You should feel so proud of yourself. You have found amazing strength and courage and are a great role model for your daughter. Keep all communication with him to the bare minimum and keep all emotion out of it. Only discuss logistics about your child access visits. Maintain strong boundaries and don’t let him use you as his therapist. As you said, you are not responsible for his happiness and you have left him.
Thank you so much for this article
I have been in an physically emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with an extremely charming guy , people see him and say wow so handsome so well spoken and educated. On paper we are perfect for each other we have the best time we laugh and our sex life is unbelievable but then he says something and i get mad and then he gets mad and hurts me and then he blames me for everything he constantly says i have serves mental problems and i saw a doctor but he believed i was fine just depressed. I didn’t have a great childhood it was full of physical abuse and molestation and now my life is this going back to a manipulative man. He cries and tells me if i leave him something bad will happen to him that he loves me and we have to grow old together and i know he’s lying and that he will do it again but i go back anyway. I can’t really get proper help because of money problems and i feel like I’m just drawning i hate myself for going back to him
This pattern you are describing is codependency and in part, it is the repeating of childhood patterns that are familiar to you, even if they hurt you. There are plenty of free and anonymous helplines where you can get help and support and I urge you to do so. You are not responsible for his behavior or happiness, or to blame for his abuse. I urge you to get help as you can’t break this cycle alone. The abuse will get worse and the longer you are exposed to it, the harder it will be to leave. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’m trying to not text her. So I googled, why do I keep going back, and found this. It was hard to read / good to read. She almost killed me. I almost killed myself. We attached to each other so deeply so intensely, it was absolutely intoxicating.
I’ve never felt so high, or so low.
She was abused badly as a child, and I know she suffers badly inside. I understand some of that. I’ve experience some of that myself, and I lead men’s groups for 10 years, so I know a lot about horrible experiences. I’ve always believed I’m uniquely equipped to help her, and I want to help her. She asked me to help save her. And I felt so committed to her and to doing right by her, when so many men hadn’t.
Then her paranoia started to take over, then drugs, then psychosis. She was obsessed that I was betraying her. I wasn’t.
I kept trying to show her the facts. I kept believing if she just saw the truth everything would be OK. She wouldn’t see how committed, and how faithful I was. It only got worse. It was mostly when we were having sex, that she would allow herself to be vulnerable, open and loving again, she would tell me I was everything, she needed me, and I craved that. I craved being needed by her and loved by her.
I had invested everything in her, and us. The thought of losing all of that, has felt like a gaping hole all the way thru my body, my heart, my mind, my soul. It’s been devastating. I’m not even sure how I’ve been able to hold on to me a little.
I keep telling myself, and I keep telling her, if you just get help managing this, we would be so incredible. She just keeps denying any issue, any responsibility, and blames me. I’m the only one who actually has met with a psychiatrist. Every so often something will remind me of something she’d done, like throwing bleach in my face. Things I pushed out of my memory. Things I never could’ve imagined. Things I’m ashamed I tolerated.
I’ve tried 100 different approaches to get her to see, or to get her to meet with someone. Same result. She just creates new accusations. Even though we live 6 hrs apart. It’s insanity. My salvation has been my vacation house. It gave me an escape from the fighting & violence. I moved here permanently six months ago.
Sorry to hear what you have been through. This is codependency and not healthy for you. I would suggest you consider getting help and support, or possibly going to a support group like Al-anon or Nar-anon. To break this cycle and not go back to her or into another codependent relationship it’s important you focus on you now and healing you, especially before dating again. You might find this interesting: Addicted to love: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/addicted-to-love/
I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Look after yourself first.
This was so beautifully written that I’m crying… I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with this girl, however, I’m still struggling to break things off. I thought I FINALLY did last week (we’ve been on and off for almost 4 years), and I noticed she was being manipulative and trying to get me to feel bad about it..And. Tonight, we happened to be at the same place because we both had family events at the same time and we were talking and laughing and then we kissed.. She’s incredibly manipulative and narcissistic. She’s cheated on me MULTIPLE times, too. Yet, every time, I had forgiven her. Every time I thought I broke things off for good, I just kept going back..Throughout the time when we were together, she’d always blame me for everything and yell at me. I’d believe her and agree that I needed to change. She has anxiety and depression + PTSD, and she would use them as excuses to make me feel bad. (I suffer from the same things as well) She’d get jealous of everyone in my life, including friends and family, to the point where I barely talked to anyone and was cut myself off from the world. I feel so guilty…I need to get out of this relationship but for some reason my heart isn’t letting go even thought my head is telling me that leaving is the right thing to do. I have no idea how to go about this..
I was/am so intensely in love with her and still have hope that she can be a better person.. I just don’t understand why I care so much and how I love her so much, even though the relationship is toxic..
Thank you. This is intense as codependency is like an addiction. Withdrawing from a codependent relationship is painful so we go back to ease the pain. I urge you to consider getting help and support to break this cycle as it’s hard to do this alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
The hardest written piece I’ve ever read
I hope it has helped you.
This spoke to me more then anything I’ve read about domestic violence.I am 20 years old I have had 2 partners since I was 17 who has been violent towards me.Just a couple days ago I was walking around shirt ripped apart and wounds over my body .I will read this every morning as a reminder to myself.I will not go back .
You are the same age I was when I was in an abusive relationship. Please find every bit of strength and courage to leave as you deserve better than this. If you break this cycle now when you are young, you can look forward to a better life. My life is amazing now and I am so thankful I left when I did. It hurts and it’s hard but keep going and never look back or settle for less than you deserve again! I have sent you an invite to join my Facebook Group for support. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I could have written every word of this article myself. I haven’t before read anything that has resonated with me on every level. It actually has given me so much relief as you have put into words what I experience and I can now understand what is happening around me. Thank you!
I’m glad you found it. If you want to break this cycle then it will be worth watching my free Masterclass: https://joinnow.live/s/xMOdfN
Wow! That sounds like my ex. He almost killed me, and I had to call the cops on him. I still love him very much. I agonize wanting to be with him and I agonize separating from him. However, when I think about going back to be with him, I sense fear. It’s sad to say that I am not going back to him because the next time, I might not survive.
Sam
Please stay strong and don’t go back. 1-2 women are killed every week. No love is worth dying for. My free masterclass will be helpful to you: https://joinnow.live/s/xMOdfN
Thank you so much for this!!! I feel like you have crawled in my soul & written this for me!
I am re reading this everyday & it’s giving me the strength to not go back & to finally see I’m not the problem!
Honestly from the bottom of my heart thank you, I needed this so much!
I am so glad it has helped you to see the truth. It may benefit you to watch my free masterclass:
How to recover from abusive relationships, fall back in love with yourself and never settle for less than you deserve again https://joinnow.live/s/xMOdfN
Stay strong.
I recently left a five year marriage. I left in the middle of the night in a broke down car and drove 16 hours to get home…. He keeps telling me that he loves me and wants me back but I don’t believe him…
The worst part is when the loneliness kicks in I crave him… I know he will kill me if I go back and get my head and my heart can’t just let go…. But reading this gives me hope as I know I’m not the only one dealing with guilt over leaving… Thank you…
If you fear he will kill you then please take this fear seriously. Get help and support to break this abusive cycle and codependency. The longer you stay in that codependent cycle the harder it will be to break it and any abuse will only get worse.
Therefore, I feel the best way to support you is to suggest the following:
I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here if you need urgent help and support: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
These may also help you to understand what you are going through and why you put his needs above and at the expense of your own:
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Can a narcissist change?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-a-narcissist-change/
Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-hurts/
Addicted to love: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/addicted-to-love/
Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
Gaslighting: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/gaslighting-in-relationships-2/
Why do I feel sorry for my abuser: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/feel-sorry-for-our-abuser/
Why do I keep going back to my abuser: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/why-we-keep-going-back-to-abusive-relationships/
Why do women stay? Because they groom us like paedophiles: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/why-do-women-stay/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
Finally, I would like to suggest you consider enrolling in either of my online video programs:
* Start with ME: Victim to Survivor: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/victim-to-survivor
* Start with ME: Survivor to Staying Strong: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/start-with-me-survivor-to-staying-strong
I will be here when you are ready to take action to break this cycle and focus on YOU to change your life.
You deserve better. No love is worth dying for.
I’m going through this myself.
he keeps playing mind games with me, trying to set me up to ruin my new relationship I broke free but he keeps creeping back in x
Stay strong, go no contact and, if he starts to stalk you record it, then report it. The longer you are exposed to his manipulation and coercive control the harder it is to free yourself. If you are struggling against the intense pull back to him then I would consider my online program: how to break free from an abusive relationship even when you feel that intense pull back to them, break the cycle of abuse so that you don’t go back to him or into another abusive relationship. Find out more here:
– Start with ME: Survivor to Staying Strong: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/start-with-me-survivor-to-staying-strong
I feel like I’m crazy. She kept lying to me and seeing another man. She would go close to full days without talking to me (which was very unusual because we had a long distance relationship and would talk all the time). Then I would find out she was lying because I would reach out to the friend she said she was with. Of course she was never with them.
Then she would blame me and tell me it’s because I’m controlling one that she is going to leave. I would always forgive her, and take the blame.
Then last week she was gone for four days. I sent her a message saying I’m basically done. Her friend told her I reached out to him. She then told me I am abusive and she is leaving me. For the first time I decided not to answer her. She then kept sending me messages and emails blaming me, then guilt tripping me, then asking if we could go to couples counseling.
I feel like she is right! What if this is all my fault and I’m the abuser! I’m so confused and I want to reach out and talk to her, but I don’t see the point. She is seeing this new guy already. I live in a different country 1500km away. I’m so lost and hating myself.
One of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with as a result of being turned inside out by a narcissist was the fact that the person he was when he targeted me wasn’t at all the person he really is. When the devaluation stage began, my first thought was that the person who had love-bombed me, unconditionally accept me, implied that we were soulmates–that person had to exist inside of him somewhere and that maybe there was some way to bring that part of him back to the surface again. Over time, I realized that the person I had grown to love wasn’t buried somewhere inside of him. The person I had grown to love was nothing more than an illusion he had projected. In reality, the person I had grown to love did not exist at all–anywhere. Kind of like finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real, but far more damaging. It’s difficult to accept that someone could be that cruel, but narcissists are that cruel and experience no remorse. I can see now that the narcissist I knew is driven by whatever rush he gets from gaining a target’s trust and conning her into believing in the illusion he projects. He completely lacks whatever it is that other people possess when it comes to participating in a bonded relationship. It would be sad if it weren’t so destructive. You article is spot on. Thank you for posting it.
Sorry to hear that you’ve been through this too. Once you see the truth for what it is you can’t unsee it. Have you seen this one: Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
And this: Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Thank you for this truly beautiful article. I have been reading a lot on abusive relationships but this article has really reached out to me, the way you explain the pattern of behaviour (with the highs and the lows) is spot on. In my case, I just find it very difficult not to to communicate with my ex and get closure. These type of people are not able to have a proper conversation and my ex boyfriend who was pathologically jealous kept screaming at me and saying he would commit suicide if I left him (so blackmailing me) every time I tried resolving the problems we had. At the end I just couldn’t take it anymore, I felt completely isolated from my friends my family, I couldn’t even go for a walk by myself I decided to call the police to come and I get me. This has been really difficult for me to digest because it meant I just left, and we never spoke again. It has been 3 months now since this and all of sudden I feel the urge to talk to him and get some answers from him as to why he treated me this way. However, I don’t think I will ever get these answers and as you said in your article it is not possible to get closure with these people. I am just finding it difficult to accept. Thank you once again for this inspirational article.
I’m so glad this has helped you Carolina. Stay strong and please don’t contact him or you will risk being pulled back into the relationship. Read this instead: Closure in relationships: 10 ways to stay strong when there is none: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/closure-in-relationships/
You deserve better.
Thank you for writing this article. It’s one of the best I’ve read. Almost every line resonated with me. I’ve read a lot and tried to understand the patterns with not only his behavior but my own. Why I keep going back to him and why he keeps trying to pull me back. Sometimes I think it’s because we love each other but I’m not so sure that’s really what it is. I do love him or I always say it’s like being with two different people, so the kinder him I love. And there really is a kinder him that I feel like is a good person. I was him for 11 years, since I was 21.Something was always off from a few months in. He always needed some control and would call me these awful names and then apologize. I just didn’t have a name for what was happening back then. We got married and after we were married things got much worse. It was like I became his property and I was expected to be this stay at home wife, which was never me. It took a long time and therapy to even admit I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Once I realized it I couldn’t unsee it. Our arguments got worse and worse. He called me everything that you can imagine. When I tried to work on myself by reading self-help books it turned into I was a “sad lost person” and a “weak person”. He smashed things to the point he scared me and then he would snap out of it and say wow that was really mean of me I’m sorry. When he got mad he would leave for the night, would give me the silent treatment, he would make himself out to be the victim to other people and his family. Everything I did felt wrong and I would get so anxious from it all I would literally shake. I blamed myself and kept thinking if I just didn’t do this he wouldn’t have gotten so angry. I’m far from perfect and definitely made mistakes along the way, but I never maliciously set out to hurt him. He always claimed my actions hurt him and when he’s hurt he wanted to tear me down to his level. I did decide to leave him when I got to the point of feeling like a shell of a human but I wanted to go back. We were separated for a year before divorced and went back to each other 3 times. Since being divorced we’ve gone back twice. The first time I was strong enough to walk away pretty much right when I saw nothing had changed. This 2nd time for some reason it’s been harder. In between these times of going back I was in a relationship with this other man who treated me so well, truly loved me, truly wanted to be my partner (which was a foreign concept to me from my past relationship) and I ended things. I got scared I think and also my ex texted me saying, “I still miss you. I can’t get you out of my head” and kept asking me to come talk to him. I ended things with the guy who treated me well and I began talking to my ex. He told me things have changed and he wants to be with me and I really thought maybe they had. It’s been about 4 weeks and there have been multiple fights that have left me feeling like a terrible person. He texted me 17 times in a row when he got mad at me for hanging out with my friend who he doesn’t like because she supported me and gave me a place to stay during our initial separation. He aquates her to ruining us. The texts included saying what a sad person I was, how pathetic I was, how I like being used by people, and so on. I’m frustrated that I logically see it all but haven’t been able to break the cycle. I’m frustrated that I still hold onto this dream that things will change. I’m frustrated that I let such a good person who treated me well go. And I’m frustrated that I feel like I’m falling back into the old me I was with blaming myself and having all this anxiety. I need to figure out a way to help myself break this pattern. Like my friend said to me recently if I choose to be with my ex I am choosing to live my life like this, give up people he doesn’t want in my life, and essentially change who I am because he will not change.
Every single word is spot on. Im losing myself. I think I am in denial. I feel so stupid and don’t understand why I’ve grown the addiction to him. I don’t want the pain anymore. I don’t know what to do with it. This is too much for me. I need to walk away I don’t want this pain anymore.
Codependency is an addiction; it is hard to break free from. Take one day at a time, feel the feelings as much as they hurt. We go back so we can numb them again. Read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. This might also make sense to you: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4294790/Why-believe-women-addicted-abusive-men.html#readerCommentsCommand-message-field
I broke up with my abuser almost four years ago but the trauma bonding sucked me back in several times after . I know it’s not healthy . I even tried to date but do not feel that intensify I felt with him . I feel like I can’t let go and I’m educated on the cycles , co-dependency and trauma bonding . We get back , I begin to see the red flags , we break up and do it all over again . I want to be free but I’m emotionally so weak . I’m a nurse and so strong at work but with him I’m stupid . I don’t know how to unlove him . He can be so loving at times and awful the next .
I’ve been in a abusive relationship with the father of my child for several months now. I keep telling myself that I deserve better. I tell myself that he is going to change and he also says he’s not going to hit me anymore. He thinks that I been sleeping with his stepdad, due to the fact that when he started beating me and putting a gun to me saying I don’t deserve to live. All of his friends keep telling me that how much he loves me and how we need to work it out. I became open with his stepdad and told him the things that I was going through with his stepson and the abuse. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. Some nights when he slept with the gun I couldn’t sleep, one night on his birthday I thought he was going to kill me so I called his stepdad to come please get him. He ended up falling asleep and I told his stepdad never mind. He promise not to hit me anymore. Now I know that I’m not perfect and I started staying out all night and not caring about how he felt. At the same time I know I still don’t deserve to be hurt. I’m still with him but he still threatens me that he is going to hurt me. I’m mentally drained. I know that if I don’t leave he is going to probably take my life. When we argue and I tell him to just let us go he says that it don’t work like that. How he done put up with all the things I’ve done to him. ( I never beat or pull guns to him like he does to me). I’ve been feeling sick lately, always nauseous.My diet hasn’t changed. I don’t know if he is putting stuff in my food or not. Maybe stress. I keep forgiving him. I never been in no relationship like this. I don’t know what to do