Why do I feel sorry for my abuser?
Why do I love the one who hurts me?
Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? Why do I love the one who hurts me?
What is this power narcissists, our abusers hold over us?
Why do we feel such a pull towards them?
I’m not talking about when we first meet them. When they sweep us into their orbit and bomb us with love with such an intensity.
No. Why is it we still feel such a pull towards them even after abuse?
[bctt tweet=”After violence, when they flood us with their tears of remorse, why do we feel sorrier for the narcissist? ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
Why do we care more about their pain than our own or the abuse they’re just dished out to us?
If we’ve found the courage to leave them, why do we feel sick to our stomach over them?
Guilty about what will happen to them now we’ve left them?
Why do we long for the person who has hurt us to make us feel better again?
Why do I feel sorry for my abuser? Why do a feel sorry for a narcissist?
I’ve been speaking with some fellow survivors and victims of domestic abuse of late. They tell me they are struggling with empathy and have asked me to talk about it.
It’s a battle I know only too well.
I know how hard that internal struggle is.
One says, it’s when they see their ex (having not seen them for a while). When they are winning in court and their ex is looking a shell of himself. It’s confusing, she says.
Why am I feeling so sorry for him? Despite the years of abuse he put me through?
That is when her strength starts to fail her, she tells me. The time she starts to become unstuck.
I recall that pull towards my ex. Feeling so sorry for him, even after he could have killed me.
Putting his needs and feelings above my own when he said how sorry he was, how much he loved me.
I felt guilty for leaving him, when I finally did so. What would happen to him? I’ve abandoned him when he needed me!
Forget about the fact I now faced life as a young, single mother. My own struggles and pain were beside the point.
Our empathy is one of the main reasons they’re attracted to us. Why we are with them in the first place.
Narcissist’s lack empathy
Narcissists lack empathy. They don’t understand the implications of their actions on others. They never take responsibility for them either.
They need to feed their inflated sense of self, or entitlement and their ego off others. And the person they prey on is someone whose capacity to empathise with others is so great.
To the point where they put the narcissist above themselves.
We have low self-esteem
We do this is we have low self-esteem.
With little self-worth, we’re not good at setting healthy boundaries. Or caring about ourselves first. So, we are ripe for manipulation by them.
We believe them we they tell us their behaviour is our fault. We put their needs above our own.
Narcissists detect we have an inner void of shame that tells us we are not good enough. It comes somewhere from our childhood.
They know exactly what buttons to press. The ones that wound that damaged inner child.
Also, the ones that soothe us and make us feel special and good again.
When they love-bomb us at the start. When they pour out their love for us after abusing us, we’re grateful for it. It fills that void. It makes the emptiness go away.
That hole inside us was dug out in childhood. Somehow our emotional needs weren’t fully met, so we don’t feel good enough.
Fear of abandonment
We also fear abandonment. How ironic that we then pick someone without the capacity to fulfil those needs. Who abandons us emotionally.
When we go into that cycle of abuse. One minute we get the rush of their adoring side, the next the pain of them pushing us away.
Like a drug dealer, they meter out doses of love and then abuse to us. When they take it away, the pain we feel is so great.
This is because it taps into our deepest childhood fears. That fear of abandonment comes rushing to the fore.
We need them to soothe that inner child with love. We need them to tell us we are good enough, we are loveable.
So, we become ever needier on them. The one who has hurt us to heal our pain.
What makes this cycle even more dysfunctional, is that they are the same as us.
Although they are the inflated ego, to our lack of self-esteem. They also have an inner void of shame. They too fear abandonment.
Why when they start to reveal their vulnerable side to us, they push us away.
Just as we think the relationship will work and we’ll find happiness again, they sabotage it. Self-destruct any happiness.
Trying to end it, before we abandon them. Gaining control over us to put those fears at bay.
[bctt tweet=”We can see a narcissist’s vulnerability beneath the arrogant, abusive exterior. It makes us feel the need to rescue them. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
They need us to fix them. And by finding someone we feel is more vulnerable than we are, we’re also putting a Band-Aid over our own inner turmoil.
We are attracted to these types as we are subliminally recreating feelings and patterns that are familiar to us from childhood. To conquer them.
While we put all our focus on their pains, their needs, we can avoid facing our own. If they need us, they won’t abandon us. So, our childhood fears at kept at bay. We’re in control of them.
This is what pulls us back towards them. Why we feel sorry for them.
When we see them in their vulnerable state, remorseful after abusing us. When we feel guilty after leaving them and they are down and out.
When she was winning in court and he was down, as that woman recently said to me. It’s just pressing those childhood buttons. That need to be needed, to hide our inner pain.
Those of us, known as Empaths attract Narcissists who lack empathy. We fit in a destructive way.
The only way to break that power a Narcissist has over us is to fill that void of shame with self-love. To see the cycle for what it is and understand this has nothing to do with love, but control.
How do you stop feeling sorry for them? That’s a more difficult one.
Narcissists manipulate us to feeling this way so they can continue to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
[bctt tweet="A narcissist's motto: I’m right, you’re wrong. Everyone else is to blame."]
They press those buttons of fear we have, so that we accept the blame.
By doing so, we convince ourselves there is hope to change them. If I do this or that, then things will be okay.
But that is false hope. Only they can change themselves. Nothing we say or do can affect that.
Especially when we’re dealing with someone who convinces themselves they’re the victim.
We must learn to let go. Recognise what those feelings are that they are stirring in us so intensely.
Take our focus off trying to rescue and fix them. Heal our inner child instead.
Once we do this, time eventually heals. The power they have over us dilutes in its strength.
As my friend once said, it’s like a plant. Stop watering it and eventually it withers away.
We start to feel less sorry for them, more ‘they’re not my problem anymore!’ Those buttons can no longer be pressed.
Let me know if you’re struggling with empathy in the comments below.
If you want to take the steps that I did to break the cycle of violence and recover from an abusive relationship, I designed an online video course especially for you. Start with ME.
If you need professional help, advice or support please see Domestic Violence resources here .
Dear Vivian
I am so grateful for your words . In 2013 I was friendly stalked, sexually cohersed , verbally and emotionally abused by a narcasist who confused my head to the point after telling him 20 times on different occassions I am married and just want to do business in the form of scetches. I went with him to look at his art. He forced himself on me basically raping me in a nice manner. I am so ashammed as I allowed this monster to turn my life upside down. I allowed him for a few months after that out of fear and feeling sorry for him. Fell pregnant and then when my babies eyes turned brown and not my husbands lovely blue eyes . Kept feeling sorry for this bastard. Went to check on him in 2015 and blurted out about my baby. Got abused again. Eventually told my husband. Got a restarining order against this monster after being stalked protecting me my family and my baby. My husband out of grace forgave me as he says how can he not forgive me when Jesus forgave him. I am so broken inside and i feel dirty and sad. Raising a child that reminds me every day what was done to me and my family. He tried to get visitation rights. Backed off after my husband and I said i reserve my right to press charges for rape, abuse , blackmail and sexual cohersion. This man has so many of the traits you mention above and more. And admitted that a friend told him to take advantage of me in 2013. He was so sick to tell me after his deed i am sorry i came so fast it was so nice i didnt get chance for a condom . And then apologising for the shock on my face telling me i should get a morning after pill. Then breaking my family down and tried to get me away from my family bad mouthing my loving husband. Stalking and cohersing on whattsapp. I am seeing a psychologist but I live with this constant fear of bumping into him and him getting rights my baby. I can not explain the hate I feel towards him and the disgust. The things he said about other woman he dated before. His lack of empathy. His puffed up ego. His cunning ways to get me there. How do we ever feel whole again ?
I’m glad you are getting psychological support, as you can’t do this alone. If you are being stalked by this man then I would go to the police and report him. Stalking is a serious offence. Stay safe.
Worst is not ever saying my say! How do the courts protect us from this. I understand so much of what you wrote about our own vilnerability as I have a picture in my mind when i was teo being touched inapproriately by some family member and all i see is myself from behind. And never being good enough in my dads books did not help. I wish i can warn woman about men like this monster. Chicken eyes always asking private questions. Acting strange. Even telling me he was a fallen angel. At times only things that kept me going was Gods love for me and my husbands being a safe and loving haven. If you have any advice for me . I will find your books.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Have you ever had counselling or support to deal with this sexual abuse? It can impact you in many ways and you may also suffer post-traumatic stress disorder from something like that. You were a child, taken advantage of. You were not to blame for this. Perhaps this might help you to process what happened to you and help you heal from it? I’ve listed free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ Thanks for being here and for your message.
Dear vivian
Thank you so much for the information. I will make us of it. I have been seeing a psycologist in 2017 and a bit in 2016. It has been hard for me to work through this. I never knew the world had such evil people and to just go into a stone cold coma i dont know what posessed me. Thank you for speaking out it helps to know that I am not alone. I was thinking yesterday how i just ignored all the warning signs. So upset with myself.
May God bless you in your work. I am in south africa and think i should join a support group. I will order your books and recources
Hi Catharina. I appreciate your support. A support group is a great idea. I went to one for at least seven years (even after I met my lovely husband I’m married to now) and it really helped me. My book is not quite out yet, just finished the second draft. Not long now. Try not to blame yourself. We all ignored those warning signs! I wish you all the best for 2018.
Hi..my name is Mary and I’m so glad I landed here,,,I’m feeling sorry for the person who broke me into pieces…we were married for 5years but on that last year I discovered he was constantly sleeping with my househelps..I left him..it’s been an year now,, yesterday I met him because he has been looking for me inorder to apologize for what he did…by looking at how broken and how life has beat him,,I started feeling sorry for him….I forget how he hurt me and now I’m trying to be his counselor so that he can go back to how he was
I am sorry you are so broken. Please try to take your focus off him and put it onto healing you. These may also help you:
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person you hope they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Addicted to love: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/addicted-to-love/
Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
Can a narcissist change?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-a-narcissist-change/
Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Why do I keep going back to my abuser: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/why-we-keep-going-back-to-abusive-relationships/
I would encourage you to read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.
From marrying him at18 only until now at 43. Have i just read what yhis hell i am in is? . I feel sick. I’ve actually vomited after reading this article. I just typed my husband abuses me even pregnant and this came up I’ve loved him and heard sorry a hundred times over and am destroyed
I’m so sad to hear this Jasmine. Thank you for sending this message. It can be hard to understand if we are in abusive relationships or break the denial that we are in one. I’m glad you’re here. Firstly, I’d suggest considering getting professional help and support by calling one of these free domestic abuse helplines: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ to help you understand what you’ve been through. I also have a closed FB Group with many who are going through what you are. They all offer each other support and advice too. https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/ I hope you keep reading and watching my videos and they continue to help you understand the abusive cycle and how to free yourself from one. x
I have the same reaction as you Jasmin, but it got WORSE when reading the comments and found yours…all i’ve being doing is just praying and fasting for a solution, a response from above, a signal, i feel miserable for him although he doesnt feel anything when he is insulting, accusing, inventing scenarios on his OWN mind of things that never happened and things that he assume I did or would do, even if i dont have friends ar anybody but him … Why I am in Shock with you Jasmine? …. when looking for information i typed… “Why do i feel bad for my abuser” and this page caught my attention…(I am even brwsing in private browsing because he even check my history, my phone, my tablet… and since i have nothing to hide i let him do it but it hurts seen him looking for something he would not find… but he even explodes if he sees an article or a video i have seen if he believes is from a “feminist” point of view (even bible studies or church videos), and start saying that thats what is making ME crazy and start citing the only verse on the bible that he knows… Timothy 2:12 …. he text me HORRIBLE things then when i get home he take my phone and erase our chat history…. i can be here telling you so many things but i wouldnt finish…. so WHY IM IN SHOCKED and feel SICKER reading your comment? Because im with him since 19 and im already 44… 25 years of this… same Timeline as yours … but when it hit me was when i finished reading your comment Vivian started her answer adressing you by your name… an For A moment i felt that the message was for me, i didnt notice or look at your name until then… my name is Jasmin too… im on the verge right now… and i feel so alone… i feel like my spirit is so dry… thats if it wasnt for my faith ill be crazy right now… our daughters have seen everything and they are suffering too… and when you said you are destroyed… thats exactly the way i feel… this is the first time i talk about this and i feel so bad right now because i feel like im doing something wrong by sayng all this… or talking about this… IT HURTS….. he knows that im up to my head already and he is starting again the game of sorry, and thats when i feel terrible and i feel like a monster ignoring him or rejecting him… he gets mad again and start sayaying that im the one who doesnt want to FIX this… I know you too are looking for help but i needed to tell you that your comment may have an impact on my decission …. my life with him can fill a book or two, ive been hit, insulted, he even kick my pregnant belly, i eb=ven had a cast on my leg because of one of his “pushings”… part of my struggles is that he was my first and only (altough he is 9 years older than me and already had a family) this is the only life i know… and like a paradox i cant see myself living without him in my life…although i know he is never going to change, i need help!
Hi Jamsin, this time I am responding to you directly. Please do get help and support. For your sake and your daughters. You are worth so much more than this. I’ve listed anonymous, free helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I know how much it hurts, how crazy you feel and how guilty and sorry when he says he is going to change. Has he ever shown you any evidence of this? No. Even you know this yourself. He won’t and the abuse will get worse and put you in danger. You have no right to feel guilty for wanting to put yourself and your needs first. He may be the only life you know, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t another and better life out there waiting for you. Look at me. My life is so different and so wonderful now, I thank God I found the courage and strength to leave. Do you want to look back in ten years time and see a life of abuse? Do you want your daughters to grow up with this as their role model for a relationship? The first step is the hardest, but with help and support it’s possible. Just make the first call.
I just read this article. My heart is pounding. I’m breathing hard and I’m nauseated. My husband of 22 years went to jail 3 days ago for trying to kill me. If I weighed 10 pounds less I would be dead. This article describes the both of us exactly. I didn’t know there were many others out there like me? I couldn’t understand why I loved him and wanted to stay to take care of him. I have found local counseling and group therapy. I am optimistic about the future and discovering I have more friends and support than I thought.
Start strong as leaving an anusive relationship, especially after so long, is so hard. I am glad you are getting the right support and help.
I am the daughter of raging narcissistic mother and a submissive codependent father. I have the double whammy of living with a man for over 11 years who is autistic (official diagnosis) and a narcissist. This is my second long term abusive relationship, I am 40. My excessive unhealthy powerful empathy controls me even more than he does. The overwhelming sorrow I feel for him is keeping me trapped in this situation. I cannot call it a relationship as we have never been intimate – he is not interested in intimacy (a trait of autism). He doesn’t physically abuse me, he is very nasty, aggressive, manipulative and controlling. He stopped working within 5 months of us being together, he now only works 15 hours a week cleaning the building we have an apartment in. He drinks a bottle of wine a day and more at my expense. He doesn’t buy birthday or Christmas presents He lives like a hermit, will not go out anywhere and will not allow me to have visitors to my home except his parents (autistic, narcissistic mother and co-dependant father) and my brother. If I go out he makes me feel terribly guilty when I come home. We don’t eat together, we don’t spend any time together he lives in his study all the time. He admits he doesn’t need to be with me, he just needs to know I’m there somewhere. My life is miserable I’m severely overweight as I eat to numb my pain and yet I cannot leave him as I feel so very very sorry for him and I worry what his life will be like if I end this. He has no emotional support from his useless parents and he has no friends. He gaslights me constantly, takes no responsibility for his actions or himself and has a tremendous sense of entitlement. Yet I feel sick with sorrow and pain at the thought of ripping his life to bits by taking away all the luxury of his cosy little life and the total lack of any worries or responsibilities he has. I feel like I will die before him from misery and ill health and he will end up alone anyway. He verbally abuses me, I feel angry and strong and want him to go and then within 15 minutes or less the tremendous cloud of empathy for him descends and I feel guilty for having even felt angry with him. I feel like visiting his parents with him and leaving him there. Would that be as terrible an act to carry out as it feels? I’m so afraid of the consequences if I try to end this in the traditional sense. He has never physically hurt me and yet I have real fear he could if pushed enough and taking away this life I have provided really would be doing that. He has a history of putting his hands up to a woman’s throat. I have fed the monster and I realise that! Love to all women and men stuck in these hell like lives.Your article has helped me a lot and I’m a subscriber to your You Tube Chanel. You seem like a truly lovely woman and I’m so grateful for your advice and support such as this article.
Thank you so much for your kind words of support, Louise. I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I would urge you to ask yourself: is this relationship good enough for me? Is it good enough for my wellbeing? Is he bringing out the best in me? Am I staying true to my core values, beliefs and goals? Is this a relationship I will one day look back on with regret? I think you know the answers already. It sounds to me like you deserve better. He is an adult. You are not responsible for him. You do not owe him anything, so there is no need to feel guilty if you choose to leave. Try to take your focus away from him and put it back where it belongs. Onto YOU. Put yourself and your needs first. Look after yourself. Life is too short. I would also contact one of the free domestic abuse helplines to get some support, as it is hard to do this alone. I’ve listed them here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Thank you for following me and your kind words.
Just checking to see if you’ve seen this recent post/video on narcissistic mothers and daughters? It may be of interest to you: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/not-good-enough/
I recently ended potentially the ugliest relationship I’ve ever had. When I met him I fell in love almost immediately and he moved in with me pretty quickly. We had such a strong and deep connection and the first date we talked and talked like we were old friends, into the early hours. A soulmate for sure. It was apparent to me that he had some deep set issues and I was very empathetic with them at the beginning, understanding and handled him gently. That was, until his controlling side from his insecurities began to drive a deep wedge between us to the point where I couldn’t talk to my housemates without being questioned about the conversation, somehow thinking we had been speaking foul of him.. Never. Early on into the relationship the violent side came out in him. In truth, I think we brought out the very worst in each other.. I have never ever screamed at someone the way I screamed at him when we fought, almost like I had been possessed. It was the second violent incident I decided enough was enough and he had to go. I felt completely empty, lost, unable to sleep and eat for weeks and practically flunked my exams. A few months on, after numerous attempts to try to meet up but always ended up in a slanging match before a plan was ever made, I still miss him with all my heart. Strange, for someone that treated me so badly. Now the initial heartbreak stage is over, I find myself lying awake at night thinking about what could have caused him to behave the way he does. Breaking my heart to think that in the past perhaps he was not loved or treated as he deserved, even as a child and I feel almost like wanting to be a nurturing mother, to hold and comfort him and wanting to help him love himself. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to contact him though all I want is to channel love to him. We cannot be in a relationship, certainly not with how troubled he is, but I feel like I want to be there for him. If I did contact him, I don’t think he would take the message as I intend and would just think I’m a crazy ex. But reading this I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels deeply sorry for an abusive ex partner, because I know the way he treated me was not justified by anything I did.
I find it’s crazy I feel this deeply connected to someone who was not only horrid to me, but I knew for only a few months. I’ve had no issue shaking off relationship baggage after the initial breakup stage before now..
I hope he finds light and love within himself and eventually, peace with his demons.
Hi Annie and thanks for your message. I’m glad you are both out of this relationship as it’s not a healthy one, as you say. What I am hearing here though, is that you are still putting his needs first, above your own. You’re focussed on him and not you. Firstly, I’d say you cannot help him to love himself. No-one can. Whilst you take responsibility for trying to do this and to nurture him, you may enable him to avoid taking responsibility for himself and when things go wrong he will blame you. Secondly, a relationship in which one is the ‘nurturing mother’ to the needy child is never going to be a healthy adult to adult relationship. You will never find satisfaction for your needs or happiness there. I hope you can try to take your focus away from him now and put it back where it belongs – onto YOU. Look at why you have this need to rescue others, nurture others who you feel are needy of you to help them and not put you first. Work on your self-esteem and sense of self worth. Otherwise you risk going back to him or repeating this pattern and finding another unhealthy relationship. It’s best to try to change this dynamic to find healthy love. I wish you all the best.
I am having a hard time. I was with a guy for 4 years. He has two kids which aren’t mine but I raised them. I became a mom at 19 for him, and I’m 23 almost 24 now. During our relationship, he hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. And I was abused as a child. From the beginning there was always another girl. He never wanted just me. But I was so committed. I put up with anything. I moved in with him. And I found out he was talking to other girls. I tried to forgive him for it but he kept doing it. Then months later he cheated on me. Gave me an STD. I left for a few weeks, then I went back when he promised he would change. He didn’t. He became abusive. I am very emotional and he would hurt me when I would cry to him about how he treated me. He would hurt me very bad. But I never left. Just begged him to want me and love me. Then he cheated on me again about 4 months ago. I left again. I wasn’t going to go back. But he promised he was gonna be different and he wasn’t. He got physically abusive again and hurt me bad. One night I was crying about how he treated me and then he lashed out and hurt me. He kicked me in the face and left me with a swollen bruised face. He threw my clothes out of the closet onto the bed. I left that night. Went to my dads. Then he started texting me asking where I was and swearing he’ll change. How can someone be so cruel. I got my clothes and left the next day. He was texting me saying it’s not too late for us. But it is. I never replied, and then a few days ago he texts me and says out of nowhere that it’s too late for us because he’s gonna tell the kids now that I’m gone. I didn’t reply but I can’t help but feel that he’s manipulating me. Trying to make me feel bad for what HE did. It’s killing me.
Hi Meagan. This breaks my heart to read what you’ve been going through. This is emotional and physical abuse and it will only get worse. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. We wait and hope they’ll change and believe them when they say they will. We also start to believe it is our fault. You are not to blame and you do not deserve this. Please get help and support to stay away from this man. Any physical violence must be taken seriously. 2-3 women per week are killed by their partners. I have listed domestic violence resources – free anonymous helplines – here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ You can’t do this alone, but you can turn your life around. I did at your age. It is hard to break free from coercive control, which is the manipulation he is using to make you keep going back. But with help you can. I hope you can find this support to do so.
I have left and I never said anything to his texts. He’s said it all before. What I don’t understand is how someone can have no remorse and be so cruel. He didn’t just hurt me physically, he ruined my self esteem and my confidence. I built a life with him. Committed myself to only him. I became a mom for him. And he never cared. Why? I feel this sadness for him because I wanted to save him. I wanted him to feel loved, and he ended up wrecking me completely. I begged him for years to just love me. Literally begged. And he never did. Looking back it just kills me. I don’t understand why he did those things.
Hi Meagan, I understand. This is the most painful part. It’s what we wait and hope for, just for them to love us in return. The sad thing is they are not capable of loving anyone else in a healthy way. It also hurts as we never get the closure we need after leaving i.e. for them to realise all we did was look after them and love them. Try to let go and focus all your energy on you now. Build your self-esteem. Really learn to love yourself first, before looking to someone else to love you. We attract what we think we deserve and you deserve better. I’m not sure if this post helps you to understand it a little better: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ Stay strong x
I also feel terrible and sorry for my abusive ex. First time we dated was a whirlwind. Immediately more intense and joyful than anything I have ever been through. I knew he loved me and would do anything for me. Then came the trust issues, the melancholic attitudes because he just “knew” something was going on behind his back. There wasnt. The being mad at me for going on vacation with my family. I wasn’t perfect either. I was ashamed to tell my parents we were together because I couldn’t trust that it was stable enough. Then the delusions came. He constantly would question me about ridiculous things like where I had been when we talked every hour anyway. And I never was doing shady crap. There was no trust . Eventually it got too crazy one night and he put his hands on me. I got a no contact order but several months later I went back because I missed him and he promised he changed. Things went okay for about a year. I learned to deal with the trust crap as best as I could. I confirmed my life to minimize any confrontation, not because he made me, but because I wanted to build a life with him. I truly didn’t mind too much. I got sick of being falsely accused and persecuted for minor infractions and he began to call me names and tell me to kill myself. I started pushing back, standing up for myself and setting boundaries. The verbal abuse escalated and threats were made about my safety. I ended it.
And here we are. A couple weeks later. Hes sorry. Hes begging me. Hes willing to play by my rules and my boundaries now. He went to a self help group discussing relationships even. I feel so bad for him and what he may be going through but I am trying to stay string because we have gone through remorse and the honeymoon stage before. Am i wrong for ignoring him? I feel if I talk to him I’ll submit and end up feeling bad for him or giving in because I do love him and did want to build a life with him. I’ve known him for 15 years, is “turning my back” on him cold hearted. I feel going back again would be foolish, but I can’t stand standing by when he is exhibiting so much remorse.
I want to act in morally and ethically right manners more than anything. But doing so with seems to lead me right back into the same position.
Hi Lindsay, I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Let’s put aside what he wants for the moment. What do you want? What are your gut instincts telling you? Are you with him in the hope he’ll change? If so you may be waiting and hoping forever. What if he never changes? Can you love him as he is now – someone who abuses and threatens you? Is this relationship really what you deserve or do you deserve better? The most important thing is to put yourself and your needs first. Is this relationship good enough for you and will it bring out the best in you? Will you look back one day without regret? Or will you spend years waiting and hoping for the dream of what might be to happen? \ What he does is more important than what he says. Narcissists and abusive types will say anything to gain control over you, then do the opposite and hurt you. Given he has a track record of this, you already suspect that once you go back the cycle will repeat again. This is the most likely scenario. I would say trust your gut, do what is best for you, not what is best for him over and above you. This post might help you too: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/
I can relate to this article so much, I have been in and out of a mentally, emotionally, physically abusive relationship for the past 7 years.
I met him when I was just 17 years young and of course he was my “first true love” 6 months in he first pulled my hair. Since then it has only ever got worse, I am not allowed to see my friends, If I go to my mothers I am allowed to be there for half hour and then it’s “where are you?”.
He has beaten me so badly I was in hospital for 2 months and lost the eye sight in my left eye. This was because I had a work Christmas party and drank 2 glasses of champagne, on the way home I bought chewing gum to cover the smell as he hated me drinking, one drop and it was “your a alcoholic just like your dad”.. The chewing gum did not work, he not only penalised me for the fact I had been drinking but for the fact I had bought the chewing gum to try and hide it! We got into a fight and he threw a pint glass and unfortunately it hit me in the face, even after this he came to the hospital with me and sat with me all night long, looking back I highly assume now that he did so in order to stop me telling them what happened, so there I sat telling the doctors that I had inflicted this pain on myself.. Worst mistake of my life as I constantly regret not telling the truth. Thing is, I still went back… Even when I was in hospital for the 2 months he would still text me being nasty, I just cannot fathom how someone who is meant to love you can be so evil and cruel.
At the beginning of 2017 I left him, and managed to to do for 8 months! I was so happy in the beginning, I HAD MY LIFE BACK! He got another girlfriend in a matter of weeks. I was going out with my girlfriends enjoying my self, making up for lost time I guess. But it got out of hand, I was partying every weekend, drinking etc… All of a sudden it got to the 8th month and I completely freaked! “He tames me!?” “I don’t do this when I am with him..!” “He’s the only one who can control my bad behaviour” so like a fool, I went to see him and declared how sorry I was for leaving and how I had made a massive mistake, he of course jumped at the chance of us reconciling, all that I asked for him was not to hit me and for me to have my own space.
3 months later here I am… Unhappy yet again and I am so p’d off because I did so well! And yet here I am back at square 1! I am not allowed social media, I am not allowed friends, I am not allowed to stay at home, I am not allowed to wear certain things and worst of all I write this sporting a nice black eye. He flipped out last week as he found a photo on my phone from the period of time we wasn’t together of me, my girl and two guys that we met when out for drinks “What are their names” he screamed, I don’t know! I really didn’t know because it was such a brief encounter… He wasn’t satisfied with that, so punched me in the ribs, stomach, my head multiple times and then punched me in the eye I am already blind in.
I left for one day, then the sob story came and I instantly felt guilty and went running back, “I’ll never hit you again, if I do you have every right to leave”…. BS! Which I have heard time and time and time again. So why.. Why why do I find myself unable to leave?????????
We have no future and I cannot even really stand being touched intimately by him anymore, we have a puppy together that he recently bought (I think it was a tactic to get me attached) which has worked because I love the pup to pieces. He lives round the corner from my mums which makes it so difficult, I have called the police before but never gone through with going to court or anything. I don’t want to go to the police. However, I am scared to leave. He will wait at the station he knows my work address, he knows my home address. I am so stuck it’s unreal, meanwhile I am texting him right now like everything is fine. I want to be free again and do not want to fail again, do you have any advice that may help even if it is a sentence I take from your reply, any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
Your story breaks my heart Pippa. You deserve so much better. Please don’t blame yourself. We all go back over and over again. The pull back to them is so strong, it’s tough. We believe them when they say they’ll change and that somehow we’re to blame for it. The most important thing is you know this is not healthy. That’s the first step – admitting you’ve made a bad choice. I would go further and say that with the level of violence you have already suffered, you risk losing your life to this man. Please be careful. Don’t tell him you are leaving, but get help and support now. You can’t do this alone. We become what is known as codependent – addicted to men who are unavailable to us emotionally and hurt us. That addiction is hard to break. I’ve listed domestic violence resources (free helplines) here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I also have online video courses that will take you step by step how to leave safely and work through why you were with him in the first place. That show you how to break this addiction and not go back or repeat the same pattern with another man. You can find out more here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/online-courses/ The most dangerous time is when you say you are leaving or after you’ve left, so please get help and support to plan a safe exit. Record everything that is happening – date, time, details – so you have a record from now. Take a photo of your black eye. I would even consider going to the police and asking their advice, even in confidence. They may have a domestic violence liaison person you can speak to. You’ve already lost your sight to this man. You do not want to lose your life to him. I promise you you can get your life back and turn it around. I’m proof of that. It will be hard and it takes time. But you can do it. I’m here to support you too.
The trouble I have is that I feel as though I may too have narcissistic behavior unintentionally. I can also at times not want to back down from being right. That causes me inner turmoil that maybe I am part of the problem. I have to constantly reassure myself that abuse is never okay regardless of my personality.
Hi Tabbytha. It is possible to veer between the two extremes – at times the victim, then veering towards being the bully in unhealthy relationships. The most important thing is to work on yourself. Only when we are healthy and strong within, with a good sense of self worth and esteem are we good for anyone else. That gives us the greatest chance of a healthy relationship.
Hi, I know this is unusual, but I am a man in an abusive relationship. I am about to leave but I feel so sorry for my wife, even though she has put me thru hell, made me loose my self esteem, and has attacked me many times. She punched me in the face in front of my son, she punched me in front of her sister, and she called me a slew of curses and names in a public bus to name a few examples. Also she kicked me out of a car when we were in the middle of nowhere at the beach. Also she called the police on me 3 times and made stories up about me. It is so ridiculous and I feel stupid for staying so long i have been married 10 years and this type of rage and abuse has been ongoing. She is great at manipulating me because she changes facts around and can cry at a moment’s notice and because I am a Christian I am quick to forgive her. My parents, sisters and cousins don’t like her, and many friends have told me for years that they don’t like her, and they think she is abusive and controlling. Even at church she always wants to be the first to leave and she will scream at me even if I am talking to someone. It is so embarassing, and on many occasions I’ve had to apologize for her behavior to other people. We have 3 amazing son’s which are the joy of my life and tgat is the reason I’ve stayed so long like a dummy. But enough is enough and I worry I am teaching my sons wrong by letting them see their father accept abuse regularly. I want them to know that relationships don’t have to be like this. It hurts because she can switch from the world’s sweetest wife to a time bomb at a moment’s notice and I am always on egg shells with her. Even my oldest son notices and he prefers to do things separately with me and his mom. I am now waking up after the latest incident and am ready to walk out the door but of course she sees me distancing myself and she turned on the charm and has been acting so wonderful this whole past week, even though last week I was “a worthless piece of xXxX” which she called me in front of my sons. She even soured relationships with several jobs I had by constantly calling to fight or coming into the office acting crazy. It’s so sad because I love this woman so much, and even though she says she loves me at times, she makes me feel so bad inside, but she also knows which buttons to push to make me forgive her. I’m on the crazy train with her and I know I need to get off or I will die. It’s sucks.
I am so glad you have posted this message, as it’s important to know that men are victims too. I recently met a guy who was over 6 foot and abused by his petite wife. He found it so humiliating he wouldn’t talk about it with anyone. So, I can understand your pain. What you are experiencing is the same however. Emotional abuse is abuse and you are not responsible for her behaviour, nor are you to blame for it. It is hard, I know, as you love her. But is her love towards you a healthy one? Unconditional? Or is more about having control over you and making you responsible for her happiness (even though you’ll never live up to that)? It is also hard, as they can be so charming when they fear losing control of us, to suck us back in. But it will never last and the abuse will only get worse. This may help you to understand this feeling you have of her having two sides: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ She doesn’t. She is the same person. It’s time now to take your focus away from her and think about you. Is this abusive relationship good enough for you and your children? Do you deserve better? Time to look at yourself, your self esteem and sense of self worth. Why is it that you are with someone who treats you this way? Most likely you don’t feel good enough or that you deserve better, deep down inside. It’s start with YOU. You can’t change her, you may wait and hope you can, but you can’t. But you can change you. Take that first step and you will walk your way towards your freedom and a life no longer on eggshells. Thanks again, I will now make a note to write a post especially for men.
Every story is the same. I’m a male victim of abuse. It’s already hard enough to figure out what’s going on in the beginning, but combine being a male abused by another male and the fact that we were never in a relationship, just roommates for 5 years, and it’s harder to spot. I did always have feelings for him and I think he knew that when he asked me to move in with him. I felt like I was moving in with a platonic soul mate. We found each other the day I moved to a brand new city and state and he just took me under his wing. He did everything for me. He made me feel whole and safe. Then I moved in and it all changed. He became dismissive of me. Everything he used to love about me he now found irritating. He would seduce me sexually and when I would want more..he would parade a new “date” around. He would randomly give me silent treatments that would make me feel like I was living alone in hell. While all of this was going he would, at times, be extremely nice again which confused me. Then he would discuss childhood issues that made me feel bad for him. Anyways, when my friends learned of the abuse they confronted him and he put me out. For months I felt that it was all my fault. If I would have just endured it in silence things would have gotten better.
I agree James, sadly they are the same no matter what gender, religion, or otherwise. The patterns of narcissistic abuse are similar from one abuser to another – female or male. I am so glad you had those who cared about you to support you and help you get out. I hope you know now it is not your fault? You are not to blame for his behaviour and actions. Nor is his childhood an excuse – we can all make choices over how we deal with our issues and move beyond them. Stay strong, you deserve better than this x
I feel completely trapped by this feeling right now. I was with my ex for 3.5 years- it started with a great friendship and a shared love of many similar interests. We had a great life. Gradually he became harder and harder to live with. Everything I did seemed to irritate him, no matter how small- and his anger would be so disproportionate that I fell into the walking on eggshells way of life. Over time he would wake me at night/ make me sleep on the floor/ lock me out/ take my keys away/ demand money and threaten to throw me out if I didn’t pay/ break my possessions deliberately. At first I would beg him to not throw me out, beg him to stop telling me he didn’t love me and I was the reason for all of his deterioration in mental health.
He had a difficult traumatic childhood and has been in therapy for 10 years so I did make a lot of excuses for his behaviour.
More recently he started getting violent. He would spit in my face if I talked too loudly, has punched and kicked and left scars from biting me.
When I eventually told him I’d had enough he said he’d been through an intense period of emotional upheaval as a consequence of becoming intimate with someone and not understanding how to respond emotionally to this. He assured me that all behaviour would stop now that he had addressed the underlying issues and faced up to the fact he was recreating his own childhood abuse.
Unfortunately I feel completely numb to everything now. I’ve become angry and start arguments/ say awful things in the heat of the moment becuase I haven’t forgiven him and I have so much hurt and anger toward him.
I don’t know whether to trust these claims of change, he is very intelligent and can be very manipulative- but I feel guilty for not giving him more credit if he means it. Should I be giving him a second chance? He now feels that I’m the one who is stopping us getting back together and fixing things and he is probably right. But equally I cannot find the energy to put work into this very broken relationship.
Hi Lauren. His behaviour is what is known as coercive control – manipulative, emotional abuse – that has now escalated to physical violence. The abuse will only get worse and put you in danger. How has he addressed the underlying issues? This would take a huge amount of intense work on himself. Narcissists will promise the world and tell you they’ll change. Are you seeing any evidence of this? You also say he says: “I’m the one who is stopping us getting back together and fixing things and he is probably right”. What that tells me is that he is still blaming you for the problems in the relationship. He is not right. You are not to blame for his behaviour and how he has treated you. You have every right to be angry, hurt and wary of his promises. Why is this now about you? In what ways is he proving to you he is doing the hard work needed to change? You do not need to feel guilty as you are not responsible for him. Nor can you change him. Only he can. You are numb because you have been manipulated and blamed for so long. Your self-esteem has been crushed by him. Suppressing your needs and feeling and numbing them is safer than expressing them. Please get help and support and consider getting away from this man. You deserve better than this and I believe the abuse will only continue. I’ve listed free helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
My first love, first relationship started amazing. I knew he had trust issues, slowly learned about his anxiety and bipolar, and the relationship has been such a roller coaster. I never understood and still cant understand how I’ve done everything he asks and more, I have been the best girlfriend to him, never betrayed him, never went behind his back, only did everything I can to assure him how much I love him but he still treats me so awfully. He broke up with me 3 months ago and I was a mess the first month. Losing 9 pounds. No sleep. We’ve since been in contact and hanging out but it’s only gotten worse and I’m worried because I feel as though this isn’t him. His bipolar has been awful and I’ve brought it up to him recently. I had to block him beginning of this week because of how badly he was hurting me that night, and I now realized he’s had me blocked too. I just want to be there for him. To love him and for him to know he’s not alone and I see him under the complete toughness of him. I don’t know what to do. I am actually addicted and the scary thing is, I don’t want to get away from him. I feel as though I love him too much and we’ve been through so much together I can’t throw that away when he needs love and support the most right now.
Hi Elena. What I am reading here is that you are trying to rescue this man. Trying to save him. Doing everything you can to change your behaviour to try to be the perfect girlfriend, yet still that is not enough. You believe he needs you to bring out the ‘nice side’ of him and then the abusive or hurtful side will go away. That any bad behaviour is ‘not him’. This is the lie that makes us stay with abusive partners. He has shown you who he is, but you are choosing to only see what you need or want to see. As a result you are not seeing him as accountable for all of his behaviour. Instead, you are taking responsibility for it and bearing the weight of everything trying to make this relationship work. To the point where you are denying your own happiness and needs.
Firstly, I’d suggest you read this: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/
I would also ask you: where are you in all this? What about your needs and wellbeing? They are coming last, after him. I would suggest you take your focus away from him and put it where it needs to be. Onto YOU. It is you who needs rescuing and healing.
You have answered the question yourself by saying you are addicted and don’t want to get away from him. This is an addiction known as codependency. It’s not love. You will not find a rewarding, healthy, loving relationship here. Any abuse will only get worse as well. You can’t sleep or eat as it’s similar to withdrawing from a drug. You feel sick, it hurts.. which is why we go back .. to get rid of the pain.
I would use all that energy healing yourself. Get help and support to understand why you crave someone who hurts you. Why you want to stay and try to rescue him, whilst ignoring your own needs. Even you say you are loving him too much. I agree. You’re not loving yourself enough either. Build your self esteem and sense of self worth. You deserve healthy love. I’ll end by saying you can’t change him. You’ve already tried everything and seen that nothing works. You can only change yourself.
Thank you for posting this article. Your words have helped so many people. Even just giving someone an outlet to share their story does so much.
That is so kind of you Magdalena. It means so much to me to hear this. I’m so glad you’re here x
I am very confused. I’ve been in toxic relationships before but none like this one and I’ve tried to break my cycle. I have learned so much more over the years and can see I’ve gotten stronger and made strides but I feel crazy!
I was working on a minesite as essential services and that’s when I met him. Same company same job etc. we realised we were from the same town and somewhat hit it off. He seemed flirty, kind, but I had no interest. The other girls warned me saying “he has tried to his on girl A and tell her male friends he will sleep with her” or “he has a girlfriend whose a virgin” or “listen to how he treats women”…..
I asked the questions and he said he hadn’t been with his girlfriend back home ( fly in fly out job) for long and was breaking it off. He would wait for me outside the Work gym, even happen to run up the same time I’d be going in. He’d be everywhere I was all the time. We started a sexual relationship ( I knew better!!!! 😑) we had to keep it secret at work… for gossip reasons – I didn’t care either way.
One day he was acting strange. He told me he’d ended things with his gf back home who he lived with with his parents. They hadn’t. Her and I spoke and she confirmed he’d been trashing my name behind my back and in fact they were somewhat sleeping together ( he said she was a virgin) he’d taken her virginity and were done. Not the case. This broke me…. shouldn’t have but it did. Long way away from anyone I knew and had just lost my baby sis. What did I do? Started a relationship with him. He also had a daughter and son he’d taken on with another women in his home town were we both were basically from. In a different state who he’d cheated on and left.
Anyways We both quit our jobs.. camped out for a week and then broke up because I found he’d also had suspicious “f me website type stuff “ on his phone that he’d shown me and I happened to see.
We decided to remain friends and he kept wanting to “get me pregnant” but I thought he was kidding. Turns out I already was by him at the time and didn’t know. My brother begged me to leave him and stay but I had Work back in the home town so my bf and I flew back to our home town.
Not long after arriving I found out I wa pregnant and he wanted not to have it. He also wanted to live at his mums and focus on getting work and reuniting with his kids. I thought fair enough so I continued with my own place at my folks and then my own…. got my job secured.
He started acting strange again and I got really suspicious. Asked him why he had so many women on his Facebook he didn’t really know or wasn’t really friends with. He deleted them. I felt so guilty like a control freak for asking. I also asked why he was up so late at night when we’d text and say goodnight … he said job hunting. That my text were keeping him up.
The night before an unwanted abortion we were house sitting. He literally walked outside…. at this point I was very insecure…. so many comments made about his kids mother and the cheating had caught up with me…. I felt so hurt and jealous and bad for feeling this way. He said “ you’re too insecure I want off your merry go round” and wanted me to drive him to his mothers in another town.
I said fair enough. I understand about the breakup but could you please help me through this week with the abortion. Was scared and no one knew. He said how am I going to help you in pain!!! “What, all bent over and stuff… I can’t help you” and walked off in the middle of a storm. I ended up driving close to middle of town and saw him and ran up to ask…. what is it about me? I want to improve for my future and he said “nothing it’s me. Haven’t i hurt you enough already? I just want to focus on work and my kids” and left.
I didn’t hear from him for two weeks and he apologised after I’d regretfully went through with the abortion. We met up, he tried to sleep with me but I was still hurting for the procedure and said no. I stayed the night left the next day…. we chatted on the phone and he’d gotten a job in the mines again. He asked if I wanted to remain friends so he could heal but keep in touch via video chat. I said I had trouble trusting him and was hurt. Adding distance wouldnt help.i tried saying goodbye and not to contact. I felt so guilty and I missed him so aske did we could be friends. He blocked me on everything. Except his Facebook.
I tried moving on. I was crushed!!!! Confused! Twice now he’d dissapeared and no closure. So I started moving on but I found myself snooping on Facebook and regretful saw things that hurt. I tried contacting him but nothing. A couple months later he’d unblocked me and replied.
I was so crushed but so excited 🙁 he ended up telling me he’d hooked up with his first girlfriend who he used to tell me was a cheater and hurt him. He’d also signed up for dating sites and f*{ec14814919eb59c611bbdb0d89399e55d4b458090706d10d1b6811171aaaf286}k me websites- adult sex hookup sites. 🙁 not only that he’d told his kids mother I was crazy and dangerous around his kids who I never met. Never at that point had met her or the kids. We talked and we ended up deciding to get back together.
I told him how I felt and I’d be willing to give him a chance but I’m not comfortable with him still in touch with certain women/exes. Not comfortable with the sites or porn like he did but am willing to work with the porn stuff. He swore off porn ( so he says) says he was in a dark place but over his childish ways and women.
He said he wasn’t ready for a women like me but a few days of talking and saying how I missed him we were dating again. It was good for a month.
We decided we’d move in together shortly. I’d slowly meet his kids. But I had to find a new place at this time, and we missed each other as we both worked away. So I ended up meeting his kids earlier than I’d like as he was at his mothers and that’s the only place I could see him. One weekend soon after dating his kids Mum showed up annanouced and proceeded to abuse him verbally. She’d mentioned how he tried flirting with her, how he always cheats. That I’m a “c*^t and homewrecker…. I had to walk out. Fast. I ended up at a nearby park with my bf step dad. My bf mother called us and let us hear their fight. I sat there and heard his mother ask “(name… do you love my son still?” And have to hear her say yes.. she also asked my bf and he said yes” when I walked in it wa alike nothing happened. I had to hear this ex talk about how my bf used to like having sex with her and then she tried to apologise to me.
And I still stayed! I felt so hurt and embarrassed……
We got a place . Moved in. Fought while he was away because I’d become suspicious and insecure even more…. I was careful how I’d ask things but he’d get so angry. I always felt he’d lie or cheat or leave again. He’d scream at me and call me all sorts of names. Hang up and tell me to F off. I’d try calling to resolve but it wouldn’t work and I should have backed off. He’d talk to me the next day like normal ….. this started happening frequently…. then more and more time he’d not talk…. but he’d cry and say he’s just stressed that why he’s angry. I’d ask “ are you sure, I’ve questioned and been insecure what can I do to change or help” ….. he would say it wasn’t me it was him…. I knew I had to back off but it was so hard not to wonder. I kept my insecurity and jealousy at bay but kept learning things like he flirted with his kids mother when we’d broken up, and it appeared was starting to rekindle things with her…. he’d been on adult one night stand apps when we were together prior and definitely split. He talked to people st his new job about me not burnt trusting and had them jump on camera to tell me I could trust him.
Once he became local again with a local job three months later…. I’d given up my job for school and hopefully a local job… I’d gained some weight from stress and change of work. And it really weighed on me. When we’d fight he’d call me a fat c^{ec14814919eb59c611bbdb0d89399e55d4b458090706d10d1b6811171aaaf286}t and say I was obsessive, controlling, I monitor him, I’m a toxic alcoholic…. he’d drop comments like “oh you mean with your other boyfriend”….. and “I didn’t make you eat the food” … ““ how could you train anyone in a gym you don’t do anything yourself”……
I’ve let out so many details and rambled in about this with so many other details….. I’m just so confused!!!!!
It started with verbal, then he was intimidating me nose to nose… scary past stories of his revenge and anger…. then he made threats to hurt me… then it was a thin in the neck deep…. a kick to the face and then a full blown beating for minutes punching me in the head and punching me in the face.” It’s only been a week tomorrow but I’m so shocked! I feel like I’m such a bitch because I would get jealous. Insecure. Snoop sometimes …. is ask questions and it got to the point every time we went out I’d say “ do you think SHE is pretty” I’d catch him looking or think he was… I just never felt he appreciated me.
We couldn’t ever have sex either! He’d not finish, get soft or not be able to ejaculate. He blamed all sorts of health issues then one night prior to beating me said it was me. After all the months I’d tried to be sexually active with him I’d backed off more and he said I was too loose, I just lay there and he can’t feel anything. He’s so bored he just wants to get it over and done with. 🙁
I don’t know what to think! He’s no longer my issue and I’m taking care of myself but I feel I’m just as bad as he is? I never hit him, never called him names or yelled. But am I psychologically abusive? Controlling? Delusional? Emotionally abusive like he said I was?
I just want to heal and move forward. To be the best I can for me and maybe someone else in the future. I enjoy my own company and am trying to create good things and a good life for myself. My body aches and I’ve done okay with stopping all these thoughts but I felt although this is long winded and grammar is poor…. at least I could vent out into the world and they actually helps!
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!! Any input and thoughts are greatly appreciated. I’m prepared to hear not so nice things about myself too if necessary.
Xx
Hi Anne, I am so sorry to hear of all the abuse you have suffered. Make no mistake all of what you describe is abuse, even when there wasn’t physical violence. Manipulative, emotional abuse which is known as coercive control. You describe an intensity from the start, which is how a narcissist hooks you in. And a harrowing list of behaviour which was all about him and meant your needs were ignored. To the point where he refused to support you through an abortion, despite encouraging you to fall pregnant. Because how could he cope with your pain? I am glad you are away from this toxic man. What makes me so sad is that he has brainwashed you so much you believe his gaslighting. That it is you may have caused this or that you may be as abusive as he is. He was on porn sites and unfaithful. You had every right to feel insecure. I worry that you may repeat the pattern with the next partner you find. It is important that you spend time now being still with yourself and asking yourself why you kept going back to someone who treated you so badly. Get help and support to understand why you have so little self worth and self-esteem that you were unable to set boundaries that had your self-care in mind. I know this as you are me when I was young. Keep working at building your self esteem enough until you can say no to unacceptable behaviour. Until you are sure that if anyone abuses you ever again, it is not your fault and can be strong enough to walk away. Take care of yourself.
Thanks to all of you! Your stories resemble many parts of my 15 year relationship with my abuser. The cycle of violence, “love”, and his “truth” have been my shame for so long that today I missed him. He “broke-up” with me about two months ago which is strange since he is in a relationship with his ex-wife and I am married.
We have gone through this “break-up” many, many times but this time I was healthy enough to want to let him go. As many of you have experienced, he always decided when we were broken-up, so this last time was okay with me and I was relieved.
Today I missed him and was wondering how he was doing, so instead of contacting him I surfed his and his girlfriend/wife’s facebook pages. While viewing their pictures all the old feelings of guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment returned for a brief moment.
Then I decided to figure out why I still felt sorry about leaving him and why I wanted to be his “friend”. Thank goodness my Google search that brought me to this site. All the years of counseling was not lost. I have learned that I matter, and most importantly, I matter to me.
Your words reminded me that in his presence my needs, my desires, my happiness, my safety and security aren’t acknowledged. They didn’t matter.
Now, I can hope for his best without inserting myself into his realm of chaos and turmoil.
Thanks again, your kindness and compassion for all of us is greatly appreciated!
Thanks to all of you! Your stories resemble many parts of my 15 year relationship with my abuser. The cycle of violence, “love”, and his “truth” have been my shame for so long that today I missed him. He “broke-up” with me about two months ago which is strange since he is in a relationship with his ex-wife and I am married.
We have gone through this “break-up” many, many times but this time I was healthy enough to want to let him go. As many of you have experienced, he always decided when we were broken-up, so this last time was okay with me and I was relieved.
Today I missed him and was wondering how he was doing, so instead of contacting him I surfed his and his girlfriend/wife’s facebook pages. While viewing their pictures all the old feelings of guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment returned for a brief moment.
Then I decided to figure out why I still felt sorry about leaving him and why I wanted to be his “friend”. Thank goodness my Google search brought me to this site. All the years of counseling was not lost. I have learned that I matter, and most importantly, I matter to me.
Your words reminded me that in his presence my needs, my desires, my happiness, my safety and security aren’t acknowledged. They didn’t matter.
Now, I can hope for his best without inserting myself into his realm of chaos and turmoil.
Thanks again, your kindness and compassion for all of us is greatly appreciated!
Hi Early Morning, this is so wonderful to see this comment and your response to your ex. You’ve done exactly what I try to tell everyone to do. When you feel sorry for them and all those feelings of guilt etc return, the best thing to do is to take your focus away from them and put it onto YOU. I love that you did this and tried to figure out why you have those feelings of inner shame and fear of abandonment. That is the first step to healing. Once we fill that hole inside that pulls us back towards unhealthy relationships, we can change it. You do matter and I’m so happy you matter to you. Your needs and wellbeing should always come first. Once you’re the best person you can be, you’ll be a better person within a healthy relationship. Keep taking those steps towards recovery, you’re doing so well. Don’t look back. I promise you will find the light sooner than you think. Thanks for your kind comments too. I appreciate them.
My husband got involved with another woman four years ago who manipulated and has controlled and tried to destroy our lives ever since. He has been powerless against her. She knows exactly what to say and do to control. Cognitively, he sees what is going on, but he can’t stop feeling sorry for her and obligated. Since he met her, he went to rehab (she broke him out), he lost his job, went through all his savings/retirement and now is in a lot of debt, lost all of his friends and was isolated from his whole family. He moved out and lived with her off and on for a couple of years. We separated but never moved forward with it even though she pushed every step of the way. She is the one who filed the paperwork for him. He moved back home a year ago but the nightmare isn’t over. They have a son who he adores. But, she won’t allow her son around me or our home and children. She specifically got pregnant to trap him. So, this past year he has only been able to see his son if he goes to her house. She works him every time he’s out there and it’s been awful. In March he made the decision to commit to us and our life so he has been trying to cut her off. He stopped going out to see his son. He has decided to not continue fighting for custody right now because he can’t be around her at all. She refuses to abide by the court orders regardless. He loves his son so much, but knows he needs to detach for now and stay away until he’s strong enough to stand up to her. I have accepted this son and he is welcome in our home when the time comes. She uses every avenue possible to try to reach out to my husband…if he blocks her, she uses other apps to try to get messages to him. She shows up at our house in the middle of the night (she lives an hour away). Mind you she is leaving her kids alone while she leaves in the middle of the night. Her ultimate goal is to destroy me and “win”. She is pure evil. Yes, my husband has done awful things to us since he’s met her. He’s not innocent, but he is absolutely powerless around her. He says it’s been like that from the beginning. Even when she’s awful, he can’t help but feel guilty for her. And he has horrible guilt for his son. She is not a good mom and he knows his son is not getting the life he deserves. My husband and I stayed in contact throughout everything (in secret for some of it as she went through all his correspondence all the time to make sure he wasn’t talking with me and she knew everything that was going on with him). He’s really trying to work on his family and get work and turn his life around. But, he still can’t stop feeling for her. And our connection has definitely been hurt tremendously. Before her, he was the most loving and kind husband and attentive parent. He told me she constantly said negative things about me (ugly, unattractive, mean, manipulative, controlling, bad sex, spoiled, entitled, etc). So even though he knows it’s not true, she beat it in him over and over again that he has a hard time pushing it to the side. He said he wants to treat me the way he used to and feel those feelings again, but they aren’t there yet. I made a commitment to him for life and we were together for 18 years before she came into our lives. I know this is a damaged person. We are both in therapy. I just don’t understand how he can have anything but hatred for this woman who destroyed every aspect of his life and has said she will never stop.
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through, it sounds awful. He may be ‘powerless’ over her but he can take responsibility for his codependency – why he feels guilty, still loves her – even after she’s abused him. He can record any stalking behaviour and report it if this happens after he breaks all contact, if he really wants to make her accountable for her unacceptable behaviour. I’m not sure how old his son is? Can he talk to him to explain why he might not see him for a while (if that is what he is choosing to do), but he is loved by him and welcome at your home at any time in the future.
Finally, where are you in all this? This is all about him and his needs. What about yours?
I’m not a woman, but my husband fits this so well I’m scared. He’s got diabetes and when his sugar gets low, he gets mean. He’s hit me and choked me before, only to later cry and apologize, quoting his low sugar, or an upset stomach as the reason for his behavior. I’ve literally jumped out of our moving truck to get away from him hitting me. And yet, I stay with him. At this point, I don’t have anyone else to rely on. No support system or friends that can help. I can’t even drive my own car because he won’t pay for insurance plus I’m pretty sure he took and hid my car keys.
Go to a DV shelter. Next time he assaults you, call the cops and at least get it put on record. Get him kicked out of whatever living space yall share so that you can start healing without him. His violence behavior has nothing to do with his medical condition and everything to do with the type of person he is. If he wants to change, that’s up to him, you can’t do that for him, so you gotta help yourself. Good luck with everything, it took me 5 years to leave for good.
I agree with this Yoddit, thank you.
Men are victims of abuse too James. I’m glad you’re here. I would urge you to get help and support to get out of this relationship. His medical condition is not the cause of violence. He is. The longer you stay, the worse it will get and the more in danger you will be. He is isolating you too, which is what narcissists do. What worries me the most is he has strangled you. The odds of you being killed by him go up 750%if he has done this to you before. Please read this article as it’s a serious form of violence: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/10/opinion/schneiderman-strangulation-control-women.html?smprod=nytcore-ipad&smid=nytcore-ipad-share
I’ve listed some resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I also have an online video course that will help you to understand what happened in the relationship, why you feel sorry for him and fear the future. How you can break that intense pull back and not go back. Or into another abusive or addictive relationship. How to turn your life around and go on to find healthy love. You can find out more here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/survivor-to-staying-strong/
Please stay safe.
Thank you for this article Vivian. I got a phone call this morning… my soon-to-be ex husband and father of our two boys was arrested again for assaulting me and I started feeling bad immediately. I searched Google “Why do I feel sorry for my abuser?” and your article was the first one to pop up. It has helped tremendously lessen my anxiety and I thank you for that. I’m sitting here at work and I didn’t want my emotions to distract me. My mind knows how crazy it is to feel sorry for someone who attacked me and deserves whatever’s coming to him… but my heart says “damn, his whole life is ruined now… he’s about to lose another job… this is the third time this year… he’s sick, he just needs some help… he doesn’t need to go to jail…”
I wanted to know what I have to do to make these thoughts go away, because I don’t want to care about him. Now I understand that time will heal me and I need to focus on myself, which I will start doing more of. Now that he’s been arrested again and won’t be able to bail himself out, I feel a lot safer and calmer, but I can’t shake this empathy. I wish for the life of me that he would have left me alone like I was begging and pleading him to and none of this would have happened. More than anything I never wanted anything bad to happen to him, no matter what he did to me. I would have let bygones be bygones, and forgave and forgot all the abuse if he would have just moved on. He was abused as a child and saw his mother get violated. I know the cycle of violence is hard to break, but I have to make the first step, for the sake of our boys. I go back to family court on Wednesday and I’m hoping the judge will now see that moving back home to get more support from my parents is what’s best for my boys, and I’m praying and hoping by next month I’ll be in a better place to provide more for my children.
Thanks again for your article and everything you do.
You’re amazing. You’ve taken the hardest first step – admitting it is an abusive relationship and not good enough for you or your children. Well done to you for finding that strength and courage. It takes so much to get there, I know. It’s an addiction which is why it is so hard to break, the withdrawal is so painful we go back to numb ourselves again. You are doing everything right. Keep going. Here are some posts that might help you too:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/breaking-up-with-a-narcissist/
And this one: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/coping-with-the-painful-withdrawal-from-an-abusive-relationship/
And this: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/leaving-a-narcissist/
And this: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/stop-a-narcissist-sucking-you-back-in/
Stay strong and thanks for being here.
Recently I realized my abuser hasn’t ever been as concerned about my comfort, joy, peace or happiness, as I have been with his. I have spent hours, days, weeks, months and years worried that my choices to move toward a healthier life would inconvenience his life, so I tried to do it with out him noticing. My role in his life was to keep up his ego when his ex-wife, girlfriends and numerous mistresses couldn’t do it any more.
Sadly, I took pride in being the “Only One” he could trust even when this was simply the beginning of another cycle of abuse. Soon he’d be deeply in love with me and it was my duty to prop you his ego for the next person. He was attentive until the next conquest required more of his resources. Once she was on his hook, he would start demeaning me for not being as amazing and wonderful as she. He knew how to pull forward my fear of being abandoned again, so it was time to get verbally and physically abusive. It was during this phase of the abuse I learned to take my shots at him and to try to hurt him as much as I could. My participation in this ritual allowed him to play the victim of the jealous and crazy ex-lover and he would try to set up situations for others to see me so irrational, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. Eventually he became empowered by the “true love” of the other woman and would leave with her. To provide a deeper pain to me he would flaunt their relationship in front of me and do things I would only understand like taking them to place I introduced to him.
This was our sickness and I say “ours” because I willingly played my role well, until the day it was apparent my role now included that of abuser. While battling the monster, I was becoming a monster. It was time to get well and become the better part of myself. So I started being honest with myself in counseling and now things are better, but there are still times the “fantasy” of who he was floats through my consciousness and I wonder about him.
I can say with the help of this sight, my ability to simply wonder is stronger and I am not acting on a pssing desire to contact him. It’s my choice to enjoy my life and participate in the happiness I have built for myself without fear of when the next cycle is set to begin. Taking more steps away from his “love” has made me a more pleasant and positive person.
Thank you to all who have taken these steps before me and I appreciate the path you have left to guide those of us who working our way out of this Forrest of abuse. It’s comforting to know that others have made it into the light after experiencing this type of love.
Thank you Vivian for allowing me this opportunity to share without judgment and the compassion of your replies is settling. 🙂
You are definitely on the road to recovery. The fact you recognise that your behaviour changed as a result too and you were part of that abusive cycle is a huge step. Read more on this here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/how-abusive-relationships-change-you/
I relate to you so much as I thought I’d could be the one to prove that all the others before me didn’t love him enough. That was the lie I convinced myself of. He has used one of the classic narcissistic tactics of triangulation…. bringing others into your relationship to compare you to and to make you feel insecure about yourself and the relationship. All that tells me is how insecure he is. He doesn’t deserve you. Stay strong, don’t give in to that urge to contact him as every day you don’t is another step towards your freedom. Call him and you go back to Square One. Look forward at me and others who can be the light that guides you forward. Don’t look back. I’m so proud of how far you have come.
Hi,
I am in the same state. My inner voice is saying to leave him but sometimes I feel guilt also.
Thanks for your post
He is saying that he will change you just come back to home but whenver I remember those scenes and his behaviour I feel so angry that I really don’t want to be there.
He also says that I am breaking this marriage then why are u doing this?
I don’t want to go there but he is not understanding that I will not come. He also said that its very difficult to go back to that phase in which he lived with his friends bcos he left all the friends because of me.
I dont understand this.
Please suggest me what should I do?
He is saying he will change. Yet all you say here is typical – you are to blame for it all. It’s one thing saying you will change. Another thing altogether taking action to do so. Actions speak louder than words. Unless he is willing to accept reaponsibility and be accountable for his behavior, then spend years putting the hard work to do so he will never change. There is no guarantee even if he does. You love the person who hurts you because you are clinging on to the fantasy of the man he first showed you and the dream you hope might one day come true. Try to take your focus away from him and put it onto you. You can’t change him. But you can change you. We become addicted to unavailable partners and form codependent relationships. We depend on them to make us happy as they have controlled us and manipulated us to feel that way. You can break this addiction with help and support. This might help you to understand more. Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/ Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/love-hurts/ Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.beingunbeatable com/love-hurts/ and this – Addicted to love: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/addicted-to-love/ and this – Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
Do these people ever get better? Is there any hope for these abusers?
This is my thoughts on your question: Can a narcissist change? – https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-a-narcissist-change/
Reading this article was like reading an analysis of my last relationship. It lasted 6.5 years, and I ended it about 6 months ago. I am constantly feeling guilt and feeling bad for him, despite the horrible ways he treated me for years. The abuse was mostly verbal, emotional, and psychological, but there were also about 5-6 incidents of physical abuse. But I feel a sense of imposter syndrome when talking about these physical incidents, because while I did receive some bruises, I was never hurt badly enough to go to the hospital or to be in any real danger. When I read other people’s accounts of how badly they were hurt- it makes me feel like mine wasn’t that bad so I shouldn’t blow it out of proportion.
I recently posted some photos of the handprints and bruises on social media, and while I did not write any names, most of our mutual friends know who it was and there has been some real backlash. Many of our mutual friends have stopped being friends with him, and I’ve heard second hand accounts about how hurt he is by this. I am wracked with guilt over this. I thought that sharing my story online would be empowering, but now I fear that it was only hurtful and petty and I am filled with guilt and regret. Even though I deleted the posts, it cannot be undone. I did not foresee the level of repercussions from this, and I feel terrible that I’ve caused his friends to abandon him.
Hi Joyce, you can’t change the past so try to let go. You’ve taken them down. You have no reason to feel guilt or shame either. Nor should you minimize the abuse you experienced. Emotional abuse, coercive control is now seen as a crime in the UK. It is abuse however you look at it, regardless of if he left marks or not. Please try not to measure your suffering against others. It doesn’t work like that. He may have been gaslighting you to make you feel you are exaggerating things, or blowing them out of proportion as you say. I’m glad you have left the relationship. Take your focus off him now and put it where it belongs: onto healing you. You might like these posts too: Why do I feel sorry for my abuser: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/feel-sorry-for-our-abuser/ and Am I in an abusive relationship: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/
I felt like an imposter too because I didn’t think my injuries were severe enough compared to other victims but abuse is abuse and it never gets better. I could have died by strangulation and didn’t realize that until I got counseling. Don’t minimize the abuse you suffered. Work on healing yourself.
I have no idea how to leave. Leave again. I left and came back. It’s only been about 3 weeks since I’m back AMC the verbal abuse is starting The blaming. The shifting blame game. All of it but the physical abuse which I know can happen again to. Why do I feel bad to leave again. Why do I fee but I love him? I can’t seem to wrap my head around my emotions. Even reading the article.
You are in what is known as a codependent relationship. He depends on you for his happiness and to make him feel good, but you can never provide enough so he blames you for this. Your happiness depends on him, even though you know he hurts you. You need to find this from within as he will not be able to provide this to you either. I suggest you get help and support to understand codependency and how within a relationship like this you become addicted. That addiction is what pulls you back so strongly and this is why getting help and support is good. It is hard to break the cycle of abuse alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I don’t think this person is an abuser, but they act very selfish sometimes (and other times they overcare). What happened is that they put me in a panic attack situation without noticing (temerity) it and I told them how they made me feel ( suspecting, anxious and angry) and to never do it again. They failed to see how it was a temerity because they are used to do it by themselves. The thing is that, I know my traumas are mine and my emotions my own problem (and probably it wasn’t on purpose, although my intrusive thoughts say otherwise), but… it makes me a bad person to tell someone to stop certain behavior around me? Because I feel like a horrible person, they got into a bad mood (they felt bad after I told them) and it’s all my fault.
My ex shot himself beside me he lived. He abused me. I found myself in him. My joker I called him. I keep messaging him on facebook. He is so mean and takes no responsibility for any of what happened. Help me I feel like I’ll never not love him.
This is codependency and the love we feel for someone who abuses us is an addiction. It will never lead to happiness and will only hurt you further. I urge you to get help to break this cycle and leave permanently. You are at risk of him shooting you and then himself. 2-3 women are killed everyone week. Please don’t be one of them. He won’t change and the abuse will get worse. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here, please call them for support: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Hy, my name is Linda , im from Scotland.
What ive just read has amazed me and described me perfectly. A few weeks ago my ex BF dropped dead, so far , inconclusive, he was a Narcissist, Gaslighter, stonewaller, and there was domestic abuse (tho not violence).
Since his death ive gone into a depresion.. it all happened so quickly he died just under 2 years since i met him and a few mnths since our last contact, which was after i phoned the police reguarding something id heard around the time we parted, so oviously our last contact was not pleasent. I couldnt attend his funeral due to the gaslighting, how he had potrayed me to others.
I’m so sorry Linda, this must be such a confusing time for you. I would consider getting help and support to process the feelings you are struggling with, as it’s hard to do this alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Thank for sharing these wise words. Reading article helped me see things a bit more clearly, yet I’m still confused.
I am 29 yrs old & my father is the abuser in the relationship. He had been emotionally & physically abusive during my young teenage years while in my adult life just emotionally. When my mom died I was 19 yrs old & my dad got worse. I felt so bad for him & I took on the parent roll taking care of my little brothers. I’ve always felt I had to be a parent to him or he would get mad. I get scared when I think of him getting mad because it reminds of when I was kid & the shame I would feel for getting yelled at. In a twisted my, I believe I deserved the abuse because I was bad & upset my father.
Truthfully, I do have low self-esteem. If my parents don’t love me and didn’t show me affection, why would anyone else. I see myself as the problem ( I know its not true but it feels that way)
Recently, I snapped on him & yelled at him through a text message & let the frustration out- that raw honest truth thats been bottled in for years. And then felt I instantly guilty because I know how sensitive he is & how hard its been for me. But I yelled at him because he was trying to take advantage of me & I’m tired. And I still feel sorry for him & then I miss him knowing truth, he is probably not going to change. It’s hard to accept that. It’s hard to love yourself when you don’t know how.
I’m sad because I wish he could just be my dad. I wish I had a dad. Its confusing. Why are parents like this? It hurts. It hurts very much.
I’m so sorry to hear this. It is very hard to understand this when it is your parent. You can’t change him and you will grieve the loss of the father you will never had so I know it is hard. You can change you though. You are not to blame for this. You are not his parent or therapist either. You need to let go and take care of you and your needs first now. It is time for you to heal. There is no need to feel guilt over this as we are only good for others when we are whole within ourselves. It will be hard to do this as this is a codependent relationship that has deep roots. I would urge you to seek help and support to understand the dynamics of this and to break free. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
WOW. I was searching ‘support’ articles on line (trying to make sense of why I’m still married to the kind of man that I would never want my children to be married to)….and knowing I deserve better but I can’t seem to tame that emotionally unsettled feeling of not hurting him when I leave. It would be no surprise to him. We’ve been on a downward spiral for years. I believe it’s best to move on. But when I was just at that point (sat down and had a conversation about the inevitable) he pleads that we’ve been together so long let’s try to make this work. “We’re all that we have”….” is each other… So what do I do….believe it. Did things get better. No of course not. So here I am, searching for articles to help inspire me to believe in me once and for all. And boy, Vivian, your article is spot on. I am shamed that I can relate so clearly. Scared that I’m so vulnerable and weak. The comments by your readers (and your comments back with additional resources) breathe life in to making this all the more profound (as it puts a face with the true issue) that we so very much lie to ourselves and tell us ‘it’s not that bad’…. I’m here to say, yes it is. I feel guilty and angry that I allowed my children to be raised in a home where I knew I should have left 10 years ago…but I didn’t think it was that bad. Because of my own selfishness I deprived my children of exposure and opportunity to healthy relationships. I’m faced now with not only dealing with me and my next steps but living with the guilt that I’ve raised my children exactly the way I was raised….(having a great mom and a deadbeat father). I see where I’ve carried that legacy in to my own marriage and philosophy of parenting. I just thought I could break the cycle but I didn’t. I feel like a failure. More importantly, I’m clear that I need to have faith to pack up the bags once and for all and do what I know I need to do.
My husband is not physically abusive (although he loses his temper more often than not). He’s emotionally abusive to all of us. He’s moody, aggressive and often uses the silent treatment as a way of monopolizing any joy in the home. He is no fun to be around. He’s always unhappy. No matter what. The children see it and comment on it often. He does nothing with them. They do not feel loved by him (although I tell them often he loves them). They ask, then why doesn’t he show it? So very hard to answer.
I don’t wish any harm on him but I do not wish to be with him. I often fantasize that he would have an affair so I would have every right to open the door and not look back. What a cop out on my part, I know. I want leaving to be emotionally easy. Having read this article, I see even more clearly why I’ve stayed as long as I have. I seem to be as sick as he is (emotionally).
Sad.
However, one thing I can say— that sets us apart. I am strong and I have hope. I am open to learning and self exploration. I won’t stay ‘stuck’. There’s hope. Thank each of you for your comments. You have no idea how they empower readers like me. Thank you.
Hey TJ, I’m glad you found me. Please don’t feel like a failure as the kind of manipulation and codependency is difficult to break free from. I’ll message you directly about how to support you with healing.
Hey TJ
How are things going now?
I used to think that with my ex too – hoping he’d cheat so I could reasonably leave. Turns out he cheated on me relentlessly for our entire relationship including holidays with women and prostitutes. I just hadn’t realised because he’s so cold hearted with no remorse that it was very easy for him to lie.
Best of luck x
I’m glad I finally understand who I am, an Empath, that is.
I’ve been struggling for so many years trying to understand why do I always feel sorry for men who have hurt me in the relationship and why I only attract the same kind of men. What is wrong with me, I kept asking myself. Why don’t I attract someone who will truly love and never leave me. Why is it always the brokens ones?
I mean I am so young. A single mother of 2, 27 years of age.
How can I change from this because it’s only towards men that I have this much empathy for.
I recently met a guy who was everything I ever needed in a man. I believed that he was finally sent from God to me. I found myself at my happiest with him and my kids loved him as much as he loved them too.
But, when he showed me his abusive side, it brought me close to death. He’s financially, emotionally and physically abused me. All this in just 3 months of dating. I’ve left him but I miss him so much. I feel so sorry for him because he’s such a broken somebody, who has nobody. I feel he just needs to be loved and accepted since he loved me too
Hi Thandiwe, you are young and you can fix this. I suggest you join my free Masterclass – how to recover from abusive relationships, fall back in love with yourself and never settle for anything less than you deserve again: https://joinnow.live/s/xMOdfN
Yes I struggle with this. I recently left my emotionally abusive and Financially draining husband and I’m safe and away from him and am in therapy but I lay here and worry about him. When he hurts me I get so mad and ignore him for days and then I feel so guilty and I feel so bad for him and I wonder what is wrong with me. This guilt is crazy.
This is very common. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and don’t look back. It will get easier with time.
“It is what it is.”
I can’t explain why (now), but that sentence has truly opened my eyes.
I hope it helps you to see what is happening for what it is. Look after yourself first.
I am 2 weeks out of this type of relationship and I feel everything you wrote here. But my mind still can not wrap around the idea that this happened to me. All my friends have been saying it is true for me I guess just trying to process it all, it’s hard. It’s really hard
They are brilliant at grooming and manipulating us.
I have connected to what you’ve said. Only thing is mine wasn’t physical violence. It was mental and emotional abuse. But the pull for seeing or hearing of my husband after 10 years being broken, is breaking me :'( I don’t know how to be strong enough to concentrate on myself. The love and care for him is still there. Because I see and know why he is the way he is, I’ve learnt this doesn’t make it ok still, but I can’t blame him so have empathy towards him. I wish I could shake him for him to see. I wish I could emotionally break away as I have now done in person. Will this help me if there is no physical violence and like others have said. I still find it hard to beleive its actually happened to me and start thinking, maybe i’ve been too extreme saying it’s abuse. How dare I speak out. Why do I feel so guilty.
Hi Laura, please don’t shame yourself of feel guilt. Emotional abuse is not a lesser form of abuse than physical. Its just a different. I have felt the same way you have. I hope you have found yourself and your strength.