Dating Chat: where dating advice goes wrong.
I want to talk about the fatal flaw with dating advice, dating apps and what many dating gurus will tell you because I see so many who go about dating the wrong way.
They tell you to list all the qualities that you want in your perfect partner.
Do you want them to have a good sense of humor?
To be professional, educated or not?
Do you want them to have blond hair, brown hair, whatever?
They get you to list all these ideal things.
But that going about dating from the perspective of them. The other person.
And that’s where you go wrong.
You might go on a date, check off your list and think: this is my ideal partner!
And lo and behold, it’s another narcissist, albeit in a different type of wrapping. But the playbook is exactly the same.
You go on that date and they start to be rude to the waiters.
Or making the sort of jokes that have a little barb to them. The ones that subtly put you down.
You feel a little uncomfortable by how forward they’re being in the first few weeks when they start love bombing you.
And doing all those things that are the red flags and the warning signs that tell you this person is not good for you.
A number of people have said to me:
Why is it when all I want is to find healthy love that every time I go on dates I still keep attracting the same type?
The ones who hurt me?
If that’s you then I suggest you go about dating a different way.
Forget about them. Focus on you.
You need to become the exact type of person that you want to attract.
Like attracts like.
If you want to keep attracting the kind of guys or girls that hurt you, abuse you, treat you with disrespect and not as though you are lovable, then build your sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
If you feel you are unworthy or unlovable, guess who you’re going to attract?
Somebody who treats you as unworthy and unlovable.
Someone who treats you was worthless, treats you badly and disrespects you.
I know it’s controversial but I believe that some of us have an invisible victim sign on our forehead.
One that invites a narcissist to come and groom and manipulate you.
One that tells them you’re self-esteem is low and your boundaries are weak.
Other people don’t. They repel them.
How many of you are envious of your friends who always seem to only attract the nice guys or girls?
You think: what am I doing wrong? What is it about me?
I’ve had a lot of you say that to me.
Do you feel like that?
You always try to be the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend, but then you always seem to attract the same type and end up in abusive relationships over and over again?
Narcissists are brilliant at detecting those with weak self-esteem, weak sense of self-worth who have very weak boundaries.
They see anyone with weak self-esteem and boundaries as an easy target, as prey.
When your boundaries fall down, they push again. They test them one by one.
If your boundaries and sense of self-worth are strong, then they know there’s no point trying it on with you, so they run a mile and go for the ones with a chink in their armour instead.
So, if you become like that, you’re going to attract a different type of guy or girl.
Only those who treat you as worthy, kindly and with respect.
The other thing about dating from the perspective of the other person is this.
When healthy people go on dates, they are so secure and within themselves that they’re happy with or without a man or woman.
They don’t need that person to complete them or depend their happiness on them.
So they go on a date thinking, are you good enough for me or not?
Do you reach my standards and align with my core values?
If you go about it the other way, then you go into a date with insecurity, wondering and hoping if the ‘you’re the one for me’ or if they think you’re attractive.
You think: did he (or she) say that because they like me or not?
You’re focused on them and not you in an insecure way.
You project onto them:
Why did he say that?
Why did he do that?
Does he like me?
Are they different this time?
That’s not the way to go. That’s how unhealthy people date.
Do you want to keep going on dates, only to discover it’s another narcissist in a different package?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life envying your friends who always get these nice people who make them laugh and happy?
Or avoiding dating because you’re so afraid you’re going to keep attracting the same type over and over again?
But secretly afraid you’ll end up alone?
Then go about dating with a whole new approach.
From the perspective of you, not what all the dating gurus and apps tell you to do which is to focus on them and list all the qualities they must have.
Okay, there’s nothing wrong with doing that. But, it’s not enough.
Don’t just base this on a checklist that you tick off against someone.
Know first what it is you want and what your core values are that a person should align with.
Then ask yourself:
Are they good enough for me?
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