Beware the narcissist’s dangerous good side
Two sides of narcissism. That’s the lie.
Every day I receive emails and comments on my Blog from followers (thank you).
In them I hear the same thing said about a narcissistic partner.
I love them
They need me
I feel sorry for them
They’ve had a difficult past
When they’re good they’re so good
I see the good in him (or her) and want to believe they’ll change.
When we first meet a narcissist they can make us feel so special and loved. We love that good side.
We haven’t yet seen the two sides of narcissism.
It takes time before they reveal any darker side to us. We ignore the first glimpses and warning signs anyway. The good side is so good, we want more of it.
Narcissistic supply
A narcissist first needs to be sure they’ve found a partner who is the perfect ‘supply’ for them.
At the core of a narcissist is a fragile self esteem. Their grandiose sense of entitlement and superiority is protection mechanism. A way to deny they are insecure.
A narcissist also has a desperate and constant need for affirmation, admiration and appreciation. Their moods and behaviour depend on external validation.
Only others can make them feel good about themselves.
The perfect person for them is someone with so much empathy they’ll do anything to keep them happy.
Soothe that fragile ego; tell them they’re special.
Someone who’ll see through the pain they inflict on them. Who feels the need to rescue them from their troubled past.
A person who will feel sorrier for the narcissist than themselves. Even after their abusive behaviour.
Who puts the narcissist’s needs above their own.
One who is more easily conned by the two sides of narcissism.
Like I was. I still loved my ex, even after he almost killed me.
He needs me
… I thought.
Jekyll and Hyde personality. The two sides of narcissism
We see these two sides. The narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde personality. We love the good side, so we forgive the bad.
That’s not the real them
… we reassure ourselves.
The narcissist will only show us the full extent of their bad side once they’re confident we’ll keep on loving them. No matter what.
When they know we’ll make it our job to rescue them, rather than saving ourselves.
That we’ll change our behaviour, instead of holding them accountable for their’s.
We may be shocked by the abusive side at first.
But no sooner than we see this Mr (or Ms) Hyde behaviour, they flip the switch.
Out comes the remorse and promises to change. Their good side returns.
We believe them. We wait and hope for them to change.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it
That’s not me
I was only angry because you did X or Y
I’ll change
They tell us what they know we want to hear.
We change our behaviour to keep the peace. Which is exactly the result they want.
Instead of holding them accountable for their abuse.
We know they have this good person inside and we can help them change.
We long for their good side again. That’s when everything will be okay.
We believe we can rescue them and get the loving, good side back. The one who swept us away with love at the start.
Who’ll do so again after abuse, with remorse and promises to change.
We may have doubts or fears and raise their abusive behaviour with them.
Then the narcissist will tell us:
You’re not being supportive enough. I said I’ll change. I need you more than ever to help me now.
But they’re empty words. Action to amend their behaviour rarely ever follows.
They’ve shifted the goal posts away from themselves and the abusive behaviour.
It’s more about how we should stand by them now and love them even more.
That’s what we do. We love the good side. We want to save them from the bad. We go back to trying to help them change.
Can a narcissist love?
They convince us they love us. The bad side is not them, they don’t mean it.
They may feel they love us too. At least at the start of the relationship.
In that heady love-bombing phase, when they make us feel we’re the only ones in the world.
That they’ve never felt love like this before. They need us. We’re The One.
Their fragile ego may feel secure then, but it will never last.
A narcissist will only love you as long as you make them feel good about themselves. If they get something in return.
It’s an impossible task. You can keep trying everything in your power to make them feel loved and secure. But they are a bottomless pit of neediness.
They’ll suck you dry. Your needs will come second to their’s.
This good side to a narcissist is more dangerous than you may think.
It lulls us into a sense that there is someone loving within them, who will one day fulfil our needs. Who has been hijacked by this darker persona.
It makes us stay in abusive relationships, even when our life is at risk. Waiting for that day to come.
The cycle of abuse
The good side is what drives the cycle of abuse and wears us down.
Like hampsters on a treadmill we keep chasing that good side, we know lies hidden within the dark.
We convince ourselves all we need to do is love them more.
Accept we were at fault for their anger and change our behaviour to keep their bad side at bay.
Support them when they promise yet again to change.
But as their ‘supply’ they need to tap into our unlimited amount of empathy. They will drain us. All at our expense.
They shatter our self esteem, belittle us and blame us. They make us take on total responsibility for what goes wrong in the relationship.
Still we try to fix things. It’s our role to keep them happy and patch their damaged side.
The cycle of abuse is a perpetual wheel that spins in a downward spiral.
We see their good side, then their bad side. Their nice side, their nasty side. It’s designed to confuse us.
Over time it wears us down.
After a while, we crave their good side again so badly we’ll do anything to get it back.
Codependency
We become codependent. Addicted to someone incapable of fulfilling our needs.
The only person now who can make us feel good about ourselves again is Jekyll. But more often than not now we have to deal with Mr (or Ms) Hyde.
Narcissists don’t have two sides. The nice and the nasty are one and the same.
This good side of a narcissist is not the real them we convince ourselves of. Stop chasing that high.
If anything it’s the nasty side that is their true self.
They are masters of manipulation, using this good side, the Jekyll persona as a mask. To lie to us and con us into staying in a toxic relationship. To give us false hope.
To feed off us, so they can feel superior, with power over us and total control.
Stop feeling sorry for them. Or guilty at the thought of leaving.
Don’t let them fool you into thinking if only you’ll love and support them more they will change. Have you ever seen evidence of this yet? My guess is no.
It is you who needs saving.
Denial is a powerful thing. The first step is to admit your relationship with a narcissist is only hurting you. It is all about them.
Your needs and wellbeing don’t even factor into the equation.
Their good side is just a con. A dangerous lie that makes you keep running back for more abuse.
A ruse so you’ll keep putting them above yourself.
Don’t listen to their words. Watch their actions. They’ll never change. You can’t rescue them.
It’s time to let go. Use that overflowing well of empathy you have to start to taking care of YOU.
Are you convinced an abusive person in your life has a good side that’s the real them? Are you trying to save them? Waiting and hoping for them to change? Let me know in the comments below.
You can’t change them. But you can change you.
I went from a young, single mother; my ex almost killed me. I turned my life around, step by tiny step.
You have the power within you. All you have to do is Start with ME.
If you want to follow the steps I took to break the cycle and find happiness in my life, I have designed online video courses especially for you.
They will take you from Victim to Survivor and from Survivor to Staying Strong. How to break the cycle, walk away from an abusive relationship and never be hurt by anyone ever again. Please see my “You Can Change Your Life” membership community below to join.
I guess I’m mostly convinced that the good side is the real him. After separation, for 8 months, and some addiction treatment, the bad side is much, much less. My husband still has some explosive anger and irrational behavior. But it’s usually just when he’s stressed. I see him trying to change his bad behavior. He shows some empathy now. Now that he’s some better, I couldn’t justify leaving him and with lots of kids I couldn’t afford to. During hard times, when he’s been awful, I wish I could redo my life. Wish I could know what a good man would be like to live with. If I had this information 27 years ago, I could have left and made a different choice. Also, my church beliefs on divorce and marriage make it very hard to leave. I’d have to justify it to pastor/elders and they would tell me to submit and be unselfish. The church culture here in the US makes it hard for an abused spouse to get free. And now that he is treating me better, I don’t know how I could leave.
Hi Lori, I know how confusing it is, as I’ve been through this too. I do wonder where you are in all this? What about your needs and wellbeing? You say you sometimes wish you could redo your life. Is this life good enough for you? The best life you deserve and were born to live? You are not to blame for any of his behavior, nor should you feel guilty if you ever decide to put your needs first for once. This is not selfish, but self-caring. Only you will know if this is a relationship that is good enough for you and one that you won’t look back one day on with regret. There’s no harm or shame in getting some help and support to try to focus on you and what is best for you. I needed this help myself. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d also read self-help books to help you put your relationship in some perspective. Here’s my Best self-help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I hope this helps.
Thank you so much for writing this. I finally moved out of my ex’s house but I feel like I’m still codependent on him in many ways. He treats me and our toddler terribly. My self-esteem has been shattered and I feel like I’m a shell of the person I used to be.
I’ve been thinking about moving out of the state and going no-contact for a while (at the recommendation of my custody lawyer). Your piece really hits close to home and motivates me to finally leave for good.
The best thing you can do for your child is not to raise it in an abusive home. Put you and your child’s needs first and make sure to plan a safe exit with support. Stay strong as the days ahead will be hard, but it will get better when you are free. Focus on your self-esteem as the greatest priority. That will allow you to become a great role model for your child.
I’ve been in 2 back to back narcissistic relationships…married to one for 13 years and dated one for 6 years. I broke up with an extremely emotionally abusive guy 6 months ago and I finally got smart and blocked his number yesterday. After he told me that he and his new GF are going to have a “healthy” relationship and now he will be an honest person. Yeah right. I told him he was full of sh**. This is after our unhealthy relationship that he helped create and after lying to me continually for 6 years. And after wanting to hook up sexually with me, while dating his new GF. Plus he probably still has his harem. No contact!!!!
All the problems were my fault of course. I was too needy, too clingy, too insecure….after complaining about him disappearing /ghosting me while on business trips, etc. Lying, manipulating, ridiculing, making fun of me. Excluding me from anything to do with his family. I never met his children in 6 years. Not once. And we never spent one New Year’s Eve together in 6 years. He thought he had me all nice and beaten down.
Any woman who deludes herself into thinking they will change needs professional help. Sorry! They will not change. It may be good for a short while, but the ugly side will always come back. And the more horrible treatment you put up with, the worse the abuse gets. After this guy and I broke up for the 5th time last December, we got back together in late January. When my birthday and Valentine’s Day rolled around in February, what do you think happened?
We finally broke up in March for good. It’s been very hard for me to recover, but I was emotionally exhausted from being on a roller coaster with him. I wish this new woman much luck. The good guy will disappear quickly.
I am so glad you can see this for what it is now and know you deserve better. The only way to break this cycle and not go into another abusive relationship is to focus on you now. Finding self-love, building self-esteem and healing you first. You have an amazing life waiting for you now.
My physical and verbally abusive husband for 12 years has changed. I moved out 5 months back and then moved back in again. Fight happened again 2 months and I told him I am getting divorce. But then he apologised next day and said he is sorry for these 12 years and will never do anything to hurt me.
He hasn’t been drinking for 2 months, He drops me and picks me up, He takes care of our son when I have to go out. He comes back home on time everyday.
I feel that he has changed and won’t repeat the abuse again.
P.S. I am from India.
I would be wary nonetheless. It takes a lot of hard work on yourself to change and then there is no guarantee. Please keep observing his behavior and his actions, not just his words. If indeed he continues to act in a respectful, kind and loving way along with telling you so then you may be able to trust your gut. If however, his actions start to go back to his old ways, despite the promises to stay then I would heed the red flags and warning signs.
i have been in my relationship for almost 9 years, we had a son together. He would snap and get this anger in him where no one could talk to him. everyone and everything was always wrong. Tried to control simple, things like why would you wear that outside don’t wear that unless your with me. sometimes he would say things and threatened me and when i would say not to threaten me he would say its not its a fact. I took alot of verbal abuse and stay for some reason. The other day he had a black out drunk moment and hurt me in front of my son. i ran out the house and file a police report. got the locks changed and took him off the lease. but for some reason i feel bad he is apologizing started counseling but deep down i dont want anything to happen to him, i am also having trouble letting go knowing i should.
I’m sorry you’ve been through this Nicole. This is coercive control or emotional abuse. You have done the right thing to protect yourself and the longer you stay in this relationship the more brainwashed you will become (through his gaslighting etc.) the harder it will be to leave. You are not responsible for him, nor to blame and have no need to feel guilty. I urge you to get help and support to try to stay strong and not go back to him for the sake of you and your son. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I also have an online video course that will help you to understand what happened in the relationship, why you feel sorry for him and fear the future. How you can break that intense pull back and not go back. Or into another abusive or addictive relationship. How to turn your life around and go on to find healthy love. You can find out more here: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/
Finally, I have FB support Group if you’d like to join it, filled with like-minded individuals who are all going through, or who have been through what you have. They’re a wonderful, positive and supportive group. Let me know if you would like to join this and if so, send me a direct message with the email address you use for Facebook.
This is honestly the best, most relatable and resonating article about narcissistic abuse ive ever read… Every word u just said,..its me..its literally me.
Funny how even after being a victim myself, becoming an expert about narcissistic psychology reading 1000s of articles , its still hard to let go.
I’m glad it’s helped you. If you’re still struggling to let go why not have a chat with me by booking a free Breakthrough session with me here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/apply/
I’m just realizing after 2 years that my boyfriend is a narcissist. I really thought he was just damaged and needed loved. I was wrong. We have a 10 month old. After being gaslighted night before last and being completely blamed for baby climbing off the bed like he wasn’t sitting right there I’ve completely shut down. He’s trying to be nice but, I know this ploy. Treat me like shit, then be super nice to fall in my good graces again. He can’t stand that I won’t even look him in the face or eye. Watched him punch bags of clothes this morning because his breakfast that he made me didn’t put him back in my good graces. He lives with me and has no where else to go. I have no idea how to get him out of my life as a whole. I hate how my daughter even when she’s in my arms looks to him for approval. SHES 10 MONTHS OLD! 😔😭 I feel like such an awful mom!
You are not an awful Mom but you do need help and support to break this cycle of abuse and free yourself and your child. Otherwise she will grow up with abuse as her normal and it will impact her life. https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I am so glad I have read these stories of yours. I met a man much older then me. He was 41 and I was 26. He found me on Facebook and he made me feel so deep for him. He had asked me to call him after the first couple days of talking and I said I’m not comfortable with that and his reply was “wow”. I feeler bad and felt well I have to call him. Why?? (I see the answer to that now, and it’s hard to accept) He would text me and say “I can feel your pain right now, can’t you feel me feel you?” (He was in NC and I am in MN) That wasn’t actually true but I got this feeling like he actually did. It’s hard to explain. Months go by of talking and I fly down there for a weekend. The day comes for me to come home and he says we can’t be apart and we are going to want eachother why don’t you drive me back with you? (He couldn’t fly cause later I found he had a Warrant for his arrest). I didn’t feel totally good about it but I felt like I needed to save him. I brought him back to my own home with my five your old son living with me. My son didn’t like him right away and I feel a at shame for that now. This man wanted to have a baby so bad so I gave him that. Through the 1.5 years we spend together he made me feel all this every other week. I had never felt so down and out when he would get into his dark mind I felt like I was slowly drifting from myself and I didn’t realize that at the time I just knew I felt so bad inside. I thought that maybe I just loved him so much that the feeling was real? After having our daughter I thought he would never get mad at me again and he would see what a wonderful mother I was. He never applauded me for doing everything for our baby girl . That felt bad. Really bad as my sons father always had told me your a wonderful mother even after we separated.
Anyways CPS got called because of his actions at daycare to my son. He started acting insane , putting his phones in the freezer and running from them. I knew he was Hiding something but he wouldn’t tell me. Finally he could see me slipping from him and he finally told me he had a Warrant. I said ok let’s work this out… and then he told me more cause it still wasn’t good enough for me and he could feel that. He told me he use to smoke crack and dress like a woman. Omg I felt like I had lost my breath. Who is this man? But I had to be there to him cause , we’ll you know… from then on out we have had more issues more fights. He said he hated me after he told me and I knew he hated me cause I knew and I had “power over him” I didn’t though but he thought I did? Idk I’m still confused. Finally he snapped and accused me of cheating on him I was so so so so sick of the accusing I took my self out of the situation and went to my grandmas he was blowing up my phone then getting drunk and calling me names and telling me to get back him. He told me he hoped me and the kids get in an accident and die. Die die die. The next day I had to come and he snapped he put his hands on me and stole my phone away from me to not call 911z and now he is in jail and I am feeling bad! I know I shouldn’t. He has no where to go and I feel it’s my fault but know it’s his. He did this. He pushed me to this point of no return. I was played by a master manipulator and the greatest con artist of all time. I know this but still feel bad. Because we have a daughter together? Idk. I am trying to be mad but just can’t get to that point. I have to raise these kids on my own and I’m so scared to do that and protect my children away from this mad. I need myself back I need my strength back and I can’t seem to find it.
What you are describing is coercive control, which is emotional abuse and a form of brainwashing. It is pervasive and hard to break free from. Please consider getting help and support to do so as the longer you are exposed to this the worse it will get. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years and recently divorced my abuser, I took our 2 kids with me. I was so scared of him at the time I left, I couldn’t even complain about him. Its been 6 months now. He called one day to inform that he found an amazing women working in google, who is financially independent, earning more salary than him, passed out from one of the top B-Schools of the country, all of the things which I am not. Also she is an amazing woman who understands his needs and accepts all his flaws. I cant help but feel jealous of the fact that it took him 2-3 months to get over me, 11 years of relationship meant nothing to him. I miss him even more, I have blocked him on all social media platforms. I feel I am good for nothing, wasted 11 years of my life. I feel I am good for nothing