Maria (not her real name) is a woman from Russia who is one of the countless victims of domestic violence under the lockdown. She reported that her husband had no history of physical aggression.
However, after Putin’s announcement about the mandatory one-week no work policy due to the pandemic, Maria’s husband went on a rampage for more than 10 hours.
The stress of losing income as a result of the policy must have taken its toll and, with nowhere else to go, his family has taken the brunt of it.
As reported by Higgins in her BBC article, Maria’s husband started with verbal abuse, then proceeded to throw things at her and their children, before “smashing everything up” in the house. Needless to say, the children were scared, and would most probably be traumatized by the events.
Maria was only able to call the police when her husband went out to buy beer. Maria was left to find shelter for her and her children, as their flat was in her husband’s name.
In many countries, the numbers of confirmed COVID-19 cases are steadily increasing to this day. However, these are not the only statistics on the rise as many countries are subjected to lockdowns to prevent the spread of the virus. A hidden terror that’s an indirect consequence of this pandemic is leading to another form of suffering.
Since lockdowns have started, a new normal has swept the globe. On the news and on social media, we see many people inventing ways to fight their boredom. Others are indulging in quality time with family, while the heroic front-liners are doing what they can to reduce the damage brought about by the irrepressible virus.
What we do not often see are the vulnerable groups who are placed in greater danger locked in within their own homes. Reports of domestic violence is seeing an alarming increase as we are all ordered or urged to #StayAtHome.
Research shows that at least once in their lifetime, about 1 out of 3 women in a relationship have experienced either physical or sexual abuse from their partner. With the lockdown trapping families indoors, these numbers have doubled, and even tripled in some countries, as compared to their rates the previous years.
In the US, records of domestic violence calls on hotlines were compared between April 2019 and April 2020. Alabama has the highest rate of increase that reached up to 274.81%. The next city with the highest rate is Georgia, with 154.83% increase, followed by Utah with 144.38%.
In the UK, a 49% increase in calls related to domestic violence has been reported, within 3 weeks after they started lockdown on March 23. In addition, 14 women and 2 children were killed in the same timeframe. Hubei province (where Wuhan is the capital), the epicenter of the outbreak in China, reported an increase of domestic violence from 47 cases last year to 162 this year.
WHAT IS THE RELATION BETWEEN THE LOCKDOWN AND THIS INCREASE?
Studies have shown that abusers who commit violence against their partners usually have anger management issues, low self-esteem, inferiority complex, alcohol or drug abuse, a history of being abused or witnessing abuse in their childhood, or a combination of two or more of the above. Abusers often resort to violence to compensate for their need to be in control.
Vivan McGrath, a survivor of domestic abuse herself attests to these abusive characteristics and stresses that the abuse cycle is like a pressure cooker. Tension builds and when an abuser feels a loss of control they lash out in anger, to maintain control, but then feel remorse. After the situation has calmed down, they love bomb the victim, promise to change and that it will never happen again. Until it does.
External stresses can be the tinder that lights this explosion of narcissistic rage. Lockdowns, loss of income, loss of jobs, masculinity can exacerbate an abuser’s sense of weakness and loss of control and be the spark that ignites abuse. McGrath said that with few places to go, and no other way of releasing stress, they often resort to physical aggression.
She further shared to the South China Morning Post, “For the victim it is a dangerous time, as the abuser will take that feeling of weakness out on her. These narcissistic types will never admit they have weakness or insecurity, they will have to blame it on their partner – ‘See what you made me do’. She will be the target of his anger and losing control.”
Another factor is the relation of alcohol abuse to domestic violence. With bars and restaurants closed, alcoholics who frequent these places may resort to drinking at home where they are in close quarters with the victims. The constant fear of contacting the virus is another weapon that abusers use to terrorize their victims. They amplify this fear by not allowing them to wash their hands, or threatening to refuse medical treatment if they become infected.
Again, because of the lockdown, the reported numbers may be just the tip of the iceberg of the actual number of victims. Now they are in the presence of their abusers almost 24/7, calling for help may be more challenging and the current restrictions may keep them trapped.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR VICTIMS TO GET OUT?
In the US, 50% of women in emergency departments report having experienced abuse at least once in their life. In the UK, it was recorded that 80 women were murdered by their current or ex-partners from April 2018 to March 2019. That makes an average of 7 women killed every month.
Victims of domestic abuse are often too afraid to leave in fear of a greater repercussion if they are caught, in denial confusing codependency with love, gaslighted to believe they are to blame for the abuse and/or suffer financial abuse and feel trapped with nowhere to turn.
Vivian McGrath, a survivor of domestic abuse and Executive Producer for global television networks, believes that the way to recover from abusive relationships is to not focus on the abusive partner but to start with yourself. First, you have to recognize that you are in an abusive relationship. Many don’t realise that emotional abuse or coercive control (now deemed a crime in the UK) is abuse at all. They’ve been brainwashed to believe it’s their fault and feel sorry for their abuser, even after they’ve been hurt.
Then you need to treat it like an addiction (in this case to an emotionally unavailable partner), cut all contact with your abuser and let go. You can’t change them, but you can save yourself. If you get to the root cause, the subconscious beliefs you have about yourself and patterns of behaviour that made you susceptible to the grooming of an abuser in the first place and to ignore any red flags that were there at the start. And rewrite them to break the cycle.
Norma, one of Vivian’s clients, came to her in crisis but has since freed herself from her abusive relationship. She shared that Vivian helped her identify the root cause of why and how she found herself in an abusive relationship and struggled to break free from it. And why she had repeated this pattern through her life. Together, they worked to reprogramme her subconscious mind, rewrite unhealthy beliefs and the patterns of behaviour that had a negative impact into healthy ones. Norma found working with Vivian brought her faster and more satisfying results than her previous ten years of therapy had done, as Vivian had experienced an abusive relationship herself.
Unless you break the cycle of abuse it will get worse. Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse and even death. No love is worth dying for.
Do you know someone, or are you personally suffering from abuse and are hoping to get out of it? Listed below are some hotlines you can reach out to. You can also work with Vivian to recover from abusive relationships, fall back in love with yourself and never settle for less than you deserve again and contact her via her website.
US: The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Australia: 1800Respect: 0800 737 732
UK: National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247
Hong Kong: Harmony House https://www.harmonyhousehk.org/
References:
NCBI
World Health Organization
NCBI
The Marshall Project
The Diplomat
BBC
Independent
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