Setting boundaries keeps you safe.

No boundaries?  Setting boundaries keeps you safe.
How do I stand up to bullies and narcissists? With one simple thing.

If you have weak boundaries it signals to others they can crash through them and you are easy to manipulate.

They’ll try it on.

Strong boundaries replace the invisible ‘victim’ sign others’ detect on you, with a ‘don’t mess with me’ one instead.

One of my followers wrote to me recently to say: “I know I need to set strong boundaries, but I don’t know how!”

It’s one of the most important things to learn if you want to change your life.

Boundaries tell others how you want to be treated. What you will or won’t accept.

Raise the bar, strengthen your boundaries, the more respect you will get.  It’s easier than you think.

Healthy boundaries

Healthy boundaries keep you safe.

It’s not so much about protecting you from other’s abuse.

It’s more about preventing others from doing so.

Boundaries are a way to show others how they may or may not treat you.  What’s okay and what’s not okay in your relationship.

[bctt tweet=”People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  Teaching others what you will accept is key to setting good boundaries. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

Only you know what your boundaries are.

You may not even be aware you have them until someone has crossed one.  You get that churning feeling in your stomach.

You feel sick, anger starts simmering away inside.

It’s better to work out what they are before that happens.

No boundaries

[bctt tweet=”Weak boundaries signal to others they can push through them and you are easy to manipulate.  ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

You’ll bend to their will, put their interests above your own.

That was me. I had no boundaries.

I didn’t know what my boundaries were.  I was a people pleaser.

I morphed into whoever I thought other people wanted me to be.  What would gain me the most approval.

If you’re not clear what your own boundaries are, no-one else will be.

When I met my ex he tested mine.

Instead of walking away at the first sign he was no good for me, I ignored my gut and the red flags that were there.

I shifted the goal posts over what I would or wouldn’t accept.

Once one boundary fell down, he pushed the next one.  Again, and again.

In the end, I found myself the victim of his violence and almost lost my life to him.

Setting healthy boundaries

[bctt tweet=”Bullies test you and pick off those who are easier to manipulate.  Any hint your boundaries aren’t strong, they’ll try it on. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

Be that in a relationship or even a colleague or boss at work.

Setting healthy boundaries is like Kryptonite for narcissists and bullies.

If they sense strong boundaries they detect your sense of self-worth is high.

You’ll no longer have an invisible ‘victim’ sign on your forehead.  You’ll have a ‘don’t mess with me’ one instead.

Setting boundaries and sticking to them, especially when you are not used to them is hard.  It’s something you’ll have to learn and work on, like I did.

But healthy boundaries are fundamental to turning your life around.   So is knowing when to say no, this isn’t good enough for me when someone crosses them.

Setting boundaries

It’s important to know what your boundaries or limits are.   Physical, emotional boundaries. What behaviour is acceptable to you or not?

[bctt tweet=”The clearer and stronger your boundaries are, the more others will treat you as you expect them to do so.” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

One way to get a clearer picture is to think about important relationships in your life right now.

Whether that’s with a partner, an employer, work colleague or friend.

List behaviour that is acceptable to you.   What boundaries are your comfortable with?

List what is unacceptable behaviour.

Behaviour that’s not aligned to your core values and beliefs.

At what point is anyone’s attitude or behaviour offensive to you?

Disrespecting you?

What line means they are draining you and you’re getting nothing in return?

Setting personal boundaries

Try to find clear lines between what is acceptable or unacceptable to you.

Physical behaviour.  Emotional boundaries.

How others speak to you.

How they treat others.

What their attitudes towards other people who are different from them are.

What are your red lines?

When you look at your boundaries.   What is the line that divides acceptable and unacceptable behaviour to you?

At what point if someone crosses them is it a deal breaker and time to walk away or hold them accountable?

It’s important to set these and stick to them.

How do you do this?

By stating what your boundaries are.  Without anger or anger.   Always owning your emotions.

For example:

‘When you talk over me all the time, I feel it is disrespectful towards me.  I’m happy to hear your point of view, but I’d be grateful if you could also listen to mine’.  

It’s calm, it’s reasonable.  You are not blaming them.  How can anyone argue with that?

If someone displays aggressive or bullying behaviour towards you, respond like this:

‘I’m happy to discuss this further, but only if you are prepared to calm down.  If not, then I am going to leave the room.  We can discuss this another time when you are prepared to have an adult conversation about it’. 

Setting boundaries is not about winning and losing. It’s about showing respect to one another.

Being assertive is not confrontational.  It is not anger or accusing them with aggression.  Nor is it passive. Putting up with bad behaviour (whilst seething inside).

It’s not passive-agressive behaviour either.   Where you roll your eyes, sigh loudly or make a joke at that person’s expense.  Trying to get others to side with you against them.

It’s calm, yet confident.  Respectful and polite.

Standing up for yourself against bullies can be scary at first.

The more you learn to do this, the more it will come naturally to you.

And the more respect from others you will get.

Build strong boundaries.  When someone crosses a red line, have the strength and courage to walk away.

Or they’ll push harder.  Your self-esteem will suffer with every boundary that falls.

Let everyone know, with your behaviour, what your limits are.

Keep your boundaries strong and clear.

If you don’t respect yours, no one else will.

Is someone pushing through your boundaries?  Are you struggling to know what your boundaries are?  Let me know in the comments below.

You’ll find books on setting boundaries here: Best Self Help Books Guide 2018 – the books that saved and changed my life.