I know I should, but I can’t.

Breaking up with a narcissist.  I know I should, but I can’t.  This is what so many who write to me tell me every day.

I receive emails to my Inbox and comments on this Blog daily.

Many of them are from those who are living with a narcissist. They say they want to leave a narcissistic relationship, but can’t.

Are you struggling with this too?

Some describe daily verbal abuse. Others, hideous physical violence.

Some say their partners are having affairs, or regularly on hook up websites looking for sex.

One woman’s partner encouraged her to get pregnant, then made her have an abortion. He refused to support her saying:

How can I deal with you doubled over in pain?

They all tell me their partners are gaslighting them. Blaming them for the abuse they inflict on them.

They’re partners chip away their self esteem. They hate how it affects their children.

They want to be normal and happy. They want their life back.

Many of them say the abuse is escalating. Or their partners are threatening to kill themselves.

Breaking up with a narcissist

They know they should leave. But, they can’t.

They feel guilty at the thought of it. They feel trapped.  That no answer or option feels good to them.

If they stay it hurts, if they leave it will be painful. They are at a loss over what to do.

It breaks my heart. I remember feeling exactly the same. I cried a lot of tears back then.

When these people write to me they all use similar language. It tells me so much more about their situation than what they are actually saying.

So, I want to decode their words to show you what is happening to them.  Why they and you are so confused.

To show you why breaking up with a narcissist is so hard.  I am sure it will help you too.

Here is what they say:

I still struggle with forgiveness and cannot bring myself to give him another chance. And ultimately I don’t think I like him as much any more, not at the moment at least. And I feel terrible for admitting these things and so guilty for choosing now to leave when he is starting to potentially make progress.

I feel sorry for him when he cries all the time.

I feel guilty for being angry with him. I feel guilty for emotionally withdrawing and not behaving ‘like a proper girlfriend’. I feel guilty for not ‘standing by and supporting’ when he has made a decision to change his ways.

I have so much hurt and anger toward him. I don’t know whether to trust his promises to change. He can be very manipulative, but I feel guilty for not giving him more credit if he means it. Should I be giving him a second chance?

He assured me that all behaviour would stop now he had addressed the underlying issues…. He now feels I’m the one who is stopping us getting back together and fixing things and he is probably right.

My feelings don’t matter

Firstly, what I am reading here is that the narcissist or abusive partner’s feelings, needs and wellbeing matter more than theirs.

There is a lot of guilt here. Forget that these people have just described years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. They feel guilty for feeling angry or any emotional response to it.

They have every right to be angry for any abuse they’ve experienced.

It’s not surprising they feel wary of giving their abuser a second chance. I know those promises will have been broken before.

There is no reason to feel guilty for wanting to leave an abusive relationship. Even if the narcissist is promising to change. Or, simply to take time out for yourself.

Your feelings matter. You have every right to feel them and express them, even if negative.

Narcissist brainwashing & emotional blackmail

What’s more interesting to me here is the evidence of emotional blackmail in their words. The narcissist is still manipulating them.

In the last comment above the man assures her all the abuse will stop now he’s addressed it. There was no evidence he’d done anything of the sort, other than admit he needed help.

He goes on to accuse her of being the problem, as she’s not fixing things by getting back together with him.

He’s probably right

… the woman who wrote to me says.

Another woman above even uses inverted commas when she says she feels guilty for not being a ‘proper girlfriend’ and ‘standing by and supporting him’ when he has decided to change his ways.

I’ll bet her partner is saying these exact words to her. Guilt-tripping her into staying or going back to him.

My response is this:

1) The narcissist is shifting the attention and blame onto these women. This is not about you and how you measure up as a girlfriend. He is not right you are the problem if you don’t go back to him.  Even if he is working on himself.

You have the right to choose if you want to stay or not, following abuse.

They should focus on themselves and not you.  Just as you have the right to focus on your needs and choose to leave if you want.

2) They are saying all they have to do is make the decision to change, now the onus is on their partner to support them and be a better girlfriend.

I’d say to them and to the lady who has so much hurt and anger but feels guilty for not ‘giving him more credit if he means it’. The one who is wondering if she could give him a second chance:

What about your feelings? What about your needs? Please, put these first.

A narcissist will say anything they think you want to hear, to keep you from leaving. Then shift the blame back onto you.

Saying you’ll change and doing something about it are two different things.

Where is the evidence the narcissist is walking the talk? Getting professional help and support to address his (or her) behaviour?

Until a narcissist takes full responsibility for their actions, they will never change.

Even if they do admit fault, it would take years of intensive therapy and work on themselves to amend their abusive behaviour.

By the sound of it, they haven’t even started this. They already shifting the blame onto you for not supporting them and fixing the relationship. Making you responsible for it.   Which says to me they’ll never change.

Be angry about abuse.  Don’t stay numbed to it and suppress your emotions. Never feel guilty for the behaviour of someone else, no matter how much they try to make you.

Here are some more comments:

I feel I’m just as bad as he is? I never hit him, never called him names or yelled. But am I psychologically abusive? Controlling? Delusional? Emotionally abusive like he said I was?

I’m not perfect. I know I push him too far.

I feel like I’m such a bitch because I would get jealous. Insecure. Snoop sometimes

I’m to blame

All of these women described years of gaslighting from their abusive partner. In these comments, I hear the narcissist’s own words.

I hear him telling her:  ‘you push me’, ‘you’re insecure’, ‘you’re delusional’, ‘crazy’.  It’s not her talking.

The woman who gets jealous and snoops has a partner who has cheated on her for years. He’s the one telling her she’s insecure. To shift the focus away from his infidelity and put the blame onto her.

I felt like I was going crazy in an abusive relationship. I’m not proud of the person I became for a while.

When we’re in a relationship that’s based on chaos and drama, manipulation and lies, it’s no wonder we can become someone we are not.

A narcissist’s manipulation is designed to throw you off balance. To make you feel insecure and needier of them. It is confusing, as they set unwritten rules for you, but shift the goal posts all the time.

Those words are the narcissist say: that you’re ‘delusional’, ‘crazy’, ‘pushing him (or her)’ or ‘you’re insecure’ are doing two things:

1) Minimising their abuse. Pretending it didn’t happen. Gaslighting.

2) You are to blame for their behaviour or abuse. If you hadn’t of ‘pushed them’ it wouldn’t have happened.

There are these comments:

When I try to leave the ‘nice side’ comes back and I feel awful again that I am thinking of leaving this emotionally damaged man who wants to love me properly and just doesn’t know how.

I just want to be there for him. To love him and for him to know he’s not alone and I see him beneath the (bad guy). I don’t know what to do.

I am actually addicted and the scary thing is, I don’t want to get away from him. I feel as though I love him too much, we’ve been through so much together. I can’t throw that away, when he needs love and support the most right now.

I did everything I can to assure him I love him, yet he treats me so badly. I feel as though this ‘isn’t him’.

I think about what-ifs, I should have tried to talk to him more, tried harder to seek counselling for us – I feel I could have prevented things from escalating if only I could go back and do things differently.

Rescuing a narcissist

One of the main reasons we stay in abusive relationships is the narcissist brainwashes us into believing they have two sides.

They con us into thinking the nasty side is not the real them. They’re damaged by their childhood. They’ve had a difficult past. Previous partners have hurt them. Whatever it is that they use as their excuse.

After abuse, they are often sorry for what they have done.

That’s not me. I didn’t mean it!

They may even cry.

So, we forgive them for abusive behaviour, go back to them and hope the nice side we’re seeing again will stay.

We also believe that if only we ‘do things differently’ we can affect a different outcome. The woman above felt she might have prevented his behaviour from escalating if she had done this.

They don’t have two sides. They are one and the same person and accountable for the actions of both.

This is the lie that makes us stay with abusive partners. These men have shown these women who they are but they are choosing to only see what they need or want to see.

They’re not holding their partners as accountable for their behaviour. Instead, taking responsibility for it and bearing the weight of everything trying to make their relationships work.

To the point where they are denying their own happiness and needs.

What I’m also reading here is these women have a ‘need to be needed’.

They deny their own needs and wellbeing and put the narcissist first. They feel the need to rescue them.

[bctt tweet=”You know you need to leave a narcissist. Yet, you’re convinced all you need to do is to love them more. Prove to them you’ll stand by them when they need you most. Help them heal their damaged souls.” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

Why is it your duty to save them?

The woman who says she can ‘see him beneath the bad guy’ is telling him she doesn’t hold him accountable for the bad behaviour of his nasty side.

She knows with enough love she can help him to change. To become the man she knows he is deep down inside.

Narcissists are attracted to people like us. The ones who have so much empathy we want to rescue them from themselves. The unconscious message this gives them is we will put them above ourselves. We’ll deny our own needs, change our behaviour instead of blaming them for their’s.

We are doing this so we can also deny we need saving ourselves. We are damaged ourselves.

Our self-esteem and self-worth is so low we stay with someone who abuses us. But, if we can focus on someone we think needs us to rescue them, we can divert our attention away from that fact.

You can do all you can to assure them. You can love them more or seek counselling to help them. Nothing you do will work. You can’t change them.

I’d start asking yourself why you feel the need to rescue a damaged person?

What is it about yourself you are frightened of facing the truth about?

Finally, there’s these comments:

I hate him, but I am stuck.

My self-worth and esteem are being brutally abused. I cannot believe what is happening. Things are escalating. Trying to figure out what to do with my life, no answer feels good to me… I honestly, spend every single day trying to figure out what to do.

I’m trapped

It feels this way, I know. I felt that way too. But you do have a choice.

The pain of staying is hard. The pain of leaving unbearable. The thought of never seeing them again kills you. I’ve been there before.

This woman says things are escalating. Abuse always does. So, if you stay the pain will only get worse.

When you leave, it will be hard, I won’t deny it. All the emotions you’ve suppressed and denied in favour of their’s will be hard to cope with. But, it’s the only way to heal.

It’s short-term pain for long-term gain.

They may promise to change. You could end up waiting a lifetime for them to do so.

Wasting energy you could be putting onto yourself. Wasting time you could be using to build your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. And to become a better you.

The one who might attract a worthier partner in future. Or know she (or he) is better than wasting a life in an abusive relationship.

You have the choice to say to yourself:

I’m not to blame

I have no need to feel guilty

I am not crazy or delusional

It is not my duty to save or rescue them.

You have the choice to put yourself first. Your health, wellbeing and your needs first.

Listen to your words. Are they yours of the narcissist’s manipulation talking?

If you wan’t to leave but feel you can’t, pick up the phone. Call someone for advice, support and help.

That’s all it takes. It’s one small step.

Do you know you should leave a narcissist or abusive relationship but can’t?  Let me know in the comments below.

If you need professional help, advice or support please see Domestic Violence resources here.