Dr Jekyll and Mr (or Ms) Hyde. You hear that a lot when victims talk about abusive partners. Me included. That they have ‘two sides’. The wonderful Dr Jekyll to the darker Mr Hyde, if you like. My ex did.
When we first met he love-bombed me with full-on attention. Declared his undying love for me. He promised marriage, babies and a long, happy life together. All within the first few weeks. It must have been what my insecurities wanted to hear. It sucked me in.
I thought I’d found what I’d been looking for. Someone to love me, care for me and grow old with me. I trusted him. I let go and allowed myself to be vulnerable with him. Then I met Mr Hyde.
It was a brief glimpse at first and it shocked me. But it was brief enough for me to think: did I imagine him? And brief enough for me to minimise the unacceptable behaviour I’d just witnessed. Especially when Dr Jekyll offered profuse apologies for him. And bought me flowers.
It’s a sort of emotional bait and switch. The romantic, wonderful person hooks and reels you in. Then bam, there’s a sudden switch to this moody, darker side. But no sooner do you get a glimpse of that, it switches back and it’s all wine and roses once more.
I didn’t fall in love with a violent man. I fell in love with a man who later became violent towards me. There’s a difference. It’s an important distinction to understand.
From then on it becomes a cycle of seeing one, then the other. To and fro. But you never know which one you’ll get on any given hour or day. It throws you off balance. You walk on eggshells, never knowing what will lead to Mr Hyde coming out. All you know is you never want to see that side again.
So, you try everything you can not to provoke an appearance. But no matter what you do Hyde will return. And you’ll be blamed for any abuse he (or she) dishes out.
Your self-confidence is stripped away. Especially as you start to see more and more of your partner’s darker side. The gorgeous person you fell in love with becomes harder and harder to find. You know they’re there. But in your mind they’re just hidden deep within this imposter Hyde.
Here’s the thing. This is why we stay with abusive partners. We are desperate to get the wonderful Dr Jekyll back. The side we saw when we first met. We spend all our energy in a futile search for it. The ‘nice side’. The person we fell in love with. We do everything we can to appease Hyde to let Dr Jekyll give us some special time. It becomes like an addiction, a craving for that initial high again.
The truth is: there aren’t two sides to abusive men (or women). They are one and the same person. Understanding this was key to my recovery.
I was convinced my ex had ‘two sides’. The man I fell in love with and the damaged man that revealed himself later. The latter was the moody and abusive side. The one he himself needed rescuing from. The man I fell in love with wasn’t to blame for the abuse I suffered, that darker side wasn’t the ‘real him’. I thought: if I just loved him more. If only I could prove to him I was worthy of him, then that would be all he needed to nourish the good side and banish his bad side forever.
But if I’d seen him as I see him now, things might have been different. The darker, damaged soul wasn’t a ‘side’ to him. It was him. The loving, romantic side was more a mask he’d learnt to wear to hide that fact.
Abusive people are masters of disguise. They know exactly what to say to reel you back in, especially after they’ve hurt you. How to convince you they have two sides. And can even express their own shock or anger over Mr Hyde’s abhorrent behaviour. ‘That’s not me’ they might say. Or they might blame a troubled past. Cry in horror: ‘I don’t want to become like my (parent) and repeat what they did to me as a child’. Anything but take responsibility for Hyde’s actions.
I’ll say it again. There aren’t two sides to them. They are one and the same. They are responsible for both.
I always say: ‘Watch not what they say but what they do’. The good ‘side’ is brilliant at saying everything you want to hear. At pouring out love. Particularly after an abusive episode.
But forget about this ‘side’ or that ‘side’ of them. Watch what they do. As I’ve said in an earlier post, love is a verb not a noun. The real person shows you who they are, no matter what they say. That is what matters the most.
Ask yourself:
- Do they treat me with respect?
- Do they speak in that way to others about me?
- Do they love me by caring about me and my wellbeing?
- Are they proud of me, even in moments when I have success and they don’t?
- Are they nice to me?
- Polite to me?
- Good to me?
When I realised the answers to these questions were all no for me, I knew I couldn’t stay. I could have spent my life justifying the ‘bad side’ of him. Forever hoping for that ‘good side’ to return and stay for good.
I finally understood they were one and the same. Both sides were him all along. If I loved him unconditionally that meant I had no right to change him. I had to accept him as he was, both good and bad.
I finally saw him for who he was. He was Mr Hyde, at times wearing a Dr Jekyll mask. He was responsible for his abusive behaviour. Just as I was for my own actions. We all are. But if he chose to avoid that responsibility, then our relationship was no longer a good enough for me. I drew on every ounce of strength I had and found the courage to leave.
Are you finding it hard to reconcile the two sides of your partner? Let me know in the comments below.
If you need further help or counselling, please refer to the following (or the equivalent in your country):
AUSTRALIA:
1800Respect: 0800 737 732 https://www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au
UK:
National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service 020 3866 4107 http://paladinservice.co.uk
US:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 http://www.thehotline.org
I’ve just spent 4 hours in the police station giving an account of my last 4 years with my husband. I used the words Jekyll and Hyde continously and also excused his bad behaviour due to having a poor childhood.
The more I read, the better I feel about the decision I’ve made. Still only on day 4 though….long long way to go.
Thanks though, I think this blog is going to invaluable.
Hi Jools. This is the most amazing comment for me to read. I am so touched, thank you. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this and such pain right now. To hear that what I am writing is helping you to stay strong is just incredible. I thank you. This Unbeatable Community is growing and we are with you every step of the way. This is why I am writing this blog. Let’s all become strong and fearless together. x
i MET WHAT i THOUGHT WAS A WONDERUL MANNEARLY FOUR YEARS AGO. THE FIRST YEAR WAS AMAZING (I WAS RECENTLY DIVORCED AND FEELING DEPRESSED) HE WAS VERY GOOD LOOKING, GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR AND I WOULDNT UNDERSTAND HOW HE COULD BE SINGLE. I NOTICED A LOT OF MOODINESS AND STORMING OFF HE SAID HE HAD A VIOLENT FATHER AND I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND. AFTER A WHILE HE WOULD BECOME VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND WOULD FLY INTO RAGES AT THE DROP OF A HAT. THEN CAME THE PUSHING AND SHOVING AND SLAPPING ALWAYS FOLLOWED A FEW DAYS LATER BY A SOBBING AND HEARTFELT APOLOGY. THE POLICE WERE CALLED BY MY NEIGHBOURS ON ONE OCCASION BECAUSE OF HIS OUTBURSTS AND THE LAST ONE A FEW WEEKS AGO HE TOLD ME TO GET OUT OF HIS FLAT BUT WOULDNT LET ME LEAVE BEFORE I WITNESSED HIM TAKING AN OVERDOSE. I CALLED FRIENDS WHO SENT AN AMBULANCE. I LEFT WHILST HE WAS TAKEN AWAY. THIS MAN IN 74 YEARS OF AGE. I RECENTLY MET UP WITH HIS EX WIFE WHO BECAME AN ALCOHOLIC (SHE SAID BECAUSE OF HIM) AND SHE TOLD ME HE WAS VIOLENT TOWARDS HER FOR THEIR TWENTY YEAR MARRIAGE STARTING THE ABUSE WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT. STRANGELY I STILL LOVE THIS MAN BECAUSE WHEN HE IS GOOD HE IS VERY GOOD. I AM EMOTIONALLY HURT BUT I KNOW I CANNOT GO BACK.
Hi Rachel, I agree you shouldn’t go back. You love the good side, but this violent side of him is the real him. The abuse will only get worse and you will end up like his first wife if you stay – facing years of this abuse. Try to stay strong and get help and support to focus on you and your wellbeing. Look after yourself.
I lived a life with 2 people one nearly killed me but still saw the good after 13 years of lies and mind games I got rid of him i was broken
I hope you’re okay now Pat? I’m glad you left. You deserve better.
Pat, I’m so sorry your comment seemed to slip through my net, hence the delayed response. I’m so sorry to hear this and very glad your are out now. Stay strong x
I feel like my situation is tricky. I can answer yes to most of the questions you pose above. He is good to me, proud of me, respectful of me. However, he when he feels like the relationship is threatened (I’m pulling away or undecided) he becomes not so nice, disrespectful and angry. As long as we are on the same page and everything is going his way (forward) he is a dream boyfriend. But when I’ve tried to leave or have some distance he has become very unstable and verbally abusive and a complete ogre. Unfortunately I tend to focus on the negative aspects of our past and I wonder if I’m “calling in” the bad behavior. Is it nuts to think if I focus on the positives (and there are many) that it is a safe relationship? I will admit to eggshells on the bottom of my feet!
No, you are not ‘calling in’ bad behaviour. He is responsible for his actions, just as you are with yours. First things first is to focus on you. Stay aligned to your core values and goals. Maintain healthy boundaries, only those that are good for you and your wellbeing and do not accept any less than that. Lead by example. Behave in a way that you are proud of and is honest and true to yourself. If we are the best person we can be, then we are better in our relationship. If each person takes responsibility for their actions and is the best they can be, then the relationship can thrive long-term. Particularly if it is a supportive and encouraging one. If you do this, he will either follow your example, or not. If only one side is behaving badly and we are not reacting to it or absolving them of responsibility for it, then it’s clear whose issue it is. Then trust your gut about how you feel. Is the relationship good enough for you? I hope that makes sense? (PS – I am creating an online video course at present called START WITH ME, which is exactly about all this. I think it might be something you’d find interesting).
Oh my goodness this is just the same as me. In a fit of upset over an abusive text, I blocked him, and also on social media. The emails came thick and fast, and over the past few weeks have veered from heartbreaking apologies, to clipped anger, to full blown personal attacks that have cut me to the core. In the space of a week he was going to make efforts to seek help, which then downgraded to if he could find time, to finally an expletive riddled email telling me how heartless I am, and how happy he is without me in his life, and to never contact him again. After a few years of more or less constant texts and calls, I feel cast adrift. I too answered yes, to most of the above questions. So much so that I have been questioning whether I am the one with the issues. I have to force myself to remember the strange or upsetting incidences, of which there are many that have happened along the way. I have become so introspective, and feel so guilty, and find myself going round and round in circles, trying to find answers. All my thoughts seem to be on what can be causing him to be the way he is. I feel flawed, insecure, and extremely confused. Secretly I still hope to engage. It’s crazy. I cannot merge the two sides of the character as one person, because the good side was prevalent for the longest time. I felt adored. I’m not even sure if this man is a narcissist. But the fact that i am so muddled up and obsessed with making sense of everything …surely that should confirm to me that something is “off”? I feel like I am the bad person, and yet in spite of my faults I would NEVER say the cruel things to somebody that he has said to me. How can somebody who loves you want to say such spiteful things? Like you Debbie, this happens when I’m pulling away. As I’ve been distant and pulling away for some months now, the spite has escalated. I wish i could put into words how raw and crazy I feel at present.
I’m so sorry for you, Lynn. I don’t know you, but I’m right here with you. I know the pain you feel. I don’t even have words for it right now. It’s been a week since I left my fiancé- and sometimes I feel like I can’t breath. My heart is so broken, but he was so terrible. I would have taken my life if I had stayed. And yet, a thousand times a day I think, “Maybe it’s my fault, if I had just done this differently or that, or if I wasn’t just so sensitive, or if I had just let his control and intimidation roll off my back- a bully can’t bully if you don’t let them”. Then I remember how I tried everything- every possible thing I could think of- and still his unpredictable abuse case out. I still secretly too hope to hear from him (although I’ve blocked every way that his words could reach my ears because I know they’ll only cause pain), yet at the same time, I’m terrified of his stalking, because I’m terrified that he will get words to my ears one day, and I’ll believe him, and I’ll go back, and he will continue making my life hell. It’s so confusing. At some moments I think, how could this have happened? It shouldn’t have happened. It just didn’t have to happen this way.
Hi Abby, I couldn’t eat or sleep either, I felt physically sick. I was heartbroken too. I know the pain you both feel as well. Going Cold Turkey – ie cutting off all contact if you can is the best way. I wrote about this and have a video here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/coping-with-the-painful-withdrawal-from-an-abusive-relationship/
The pull back to them is so intense as it is like withdrawing from an addiction to a drug. They are a drug to us. Even though we know they hurt us, they are also the only thing that can make ourselves feel good again. A bit like heroin to an addict. It is so painful, I know. But it’s important to feel these feelings, as hard as it is. It is the first stages of healing. Better than staying numbed. I write why this is here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/coping-with-the-painful-withdrawal-from-an-abusive-relationship/
I hope these help? I also have a closed Facebook Group you can join for support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/
And an online video course that I created to help get you through this most painful time of leaving an abusive relationship and break the cycle, so you don’t get pulled back to them or into another abusive relationship. You can find out more here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/membership
Hi
I’ve just stumbled across this and i have the same problem , my husband is so lovely on one hand, helpful, says how much he loves me, but he’s all words I never see any action.
In the past he’s cheated, lied and stole, but I always fell for the smooth talk
Now I noticed he’s been texting women on he’s work phone, and deletes the conversation
Normal people don’t act like this surely, I want to leave but don’t know why I can’t, help!
Thanks
Always watch their actions. If they one thing and then do the opposite, you can’t trust them. Narcissists will show you who they are by their actions, not their words. If you want to leave, I suggest you get help and support to take your focus away from him and put it onto you and your recovery. We become codependent and need to heal ourselves if we want to break the cycle and our ‘addiction’ to the person who hurts us. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I’d read every self help book I can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I left my abusive spouse again after 21 years… We recently rekindled due to my vulnerability of a vrain tumour. Thinkimg he would change and take care of me and his four children. Instead he tormented me for the past and for leaving him the last time… The other night him and his Narc mom tried assaulting and threatening me to hurt me, threw me out and verbally abused me while making me leave in the dark in the country… I cried and kept praying asking God why did i meet such a cruel family??? My two sons come pick me up saying mom. “No more.” I feel trapped. He is not even sweet or kind at all… He takes and stripps you of everything, while taking your past and hurt and using it against you. He was beaten by his father and their was lots of sexual abuse in their family and he is an addict of everything… I think him and his mother want someone to blame for their shame because they both cannot take responsibility… Thank you so much for this understanding and encouragement. God bless you. ❤
I’m so sad to hear your story. But I am relieved to here you are now free of him and his toxic mother. You put it so perfectly: they need to blame you to hide their inner shame. Narcissists must project their behaviour and blame onto us so they can absolve themselves of any accountability or responsibility for it. As you can see addictive and abusive behaviour passes in a cycle down generations. He would need to do much work on himself to heal himself. But now it is time for you to heal. To focus on you and building your self-esteem. If it will help, my Start with Me: Victim to Survivor online video course will be opening up again soon. I can send you the link to join the waitlist if you wish. Stay strong and thanks for trusting me with your story x
Hi Jessica, I responded earlier but for some reason now can’t see it. So I am writing again. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, as its sounds like a horrendous time. Domestic abuse can pass down in a cycle from generation to generation. You put it perfectly: they need someone else to blame for their shame, so they can avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Unless he wants to work on himself to change, there is nothing you can do to fix him. It’s time now to heal you. Time to focus on your self-esteem and wellbeing first. Over above him or anyone else. This is the most important thing now. Only when we have a strong sense of self-worth can we set healthier boundaries and say no, if someone doesn’t treat us as worthy. Do whatever it takes. Join a free support group, get counselling (I have DV resources listed on this website). You deserve more. Stay strong x
Yes I’m still struggling to break free after 6 years of abuse we do not live together now but the emotional abuse continues, for me the high was so high but I know it wasn’t real , it’s sad that people can be like that I believe the wiring is faulty in their brains as it’s not normal and I so needed to come across this now as lying on my bed in tears after another episode of emotional abuse and mind games thank you x
I’m so glad you found this helpful. I agree and the hardest thing is they can’t see the impact of their behaviour. Are you able to cut all contact? I found that was the only way for me to recover.
I left my husband almost 3 months ago. The answer was no to all of the above questions. We were together 11 years but the last 5 felt like an eternity. The abuse happened slowly and one day when I realized how much I hated my self, my life, I didn’t feel strong enough to leave because I truly felt that the problem was me. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I just kept remembering how I felt in the beginning of the relationship vs. how I felt now. Wanting to regain that sense of myself prior to him is what I held onto. The decision to leave was very hard but the best thing I ever did. What clinched it for me was when I imagined my future with him, I saw only darkness, as I realized he would always be both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When I imagined my future without him, I saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I followed that light. Now that I am free of him (no contact) that light keeps getting brighter and brighter and I feel very hopeful about the future, more than I even imagined I would. Meditation, Alanon, therapy and lots and lots of reading (The Power of Now, This Thing Called You for starters) have helped. Support is the key. Know that you are not alone and that this is much more common than most people realize. My hope is that others will find their light. It’s there, you just need to believe it.
“If for company you cannot find a wise and prudent friend who leads a good life, then, like a king who leaves behind a conquered kingdom, or like a lone elephant in the elephant forest, you should go your way alone. Better it is to live alone; there is no fellowship with a fool.” Buddha
“Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.” Saint Augustine
Thanks for sharing your story Colleen, which mirrors how I felt exactly. What you say is so beautifully put. It is the hardest thing to do, but as you follow the light it does get brighter and brighter. Al-anon and reading everything I could was a life-saver for me too. That support is so crucial as we recover and heal. I am so glad you are a fellow survivor and live a healthier life now. Stay strong and thanks again for sharing.
I’m a guy who has been dealing with this issue from a woman. It took a few months for me to see it, but I started to notice it…her Hyde.
She had mentioned stories about prior relationships where she had been a complete twit to other men…downright mean. Now, I was seeing it happen to me, and she blamed me saying that I “made her do it”…meaning her abusive remarks and actions. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I never knew what would set her off. She’s very used to being adored by men – lots of attention. But I’m never jealous about it, and I think that angers her.
She has even admitted to being Dr. J and Mr. H., but is extremely slow to address any changes. Any time she brings Hyde out for a walk, she blames me saying it’s because of x, y, or z…but any such issues were always trivial and have been buried forever.
If a woman even looks at me, she breaks into an attack stating that I’m having an affair, which I’m not.
The recent outburst pushed me over the edge and I cut all communication to the point that I can’t even see if she’s made an attempt.
I think your line about the person is actually Mr. Hyde with a Dr. Jeykl masks is what struck me the most. I’m sad because I want Dr. Jeykl, but know that you’re correct. I always had this one word that stuck with me about her…and who she really was. I don’t know how the word cut into my mind, but it just constantly lingered there. That word is, “fraud”.
Great, great article. Thank you.
Hi Morgan, thank you so much for your comment and support. Sadly, this does happen to men as well. Sorry to hear you are one of them. It’s a really tough thing to accept, as we hope so much for the nice person we first met to come back and stay. We still love them, we just don’t like the nasty side we’re seeing. But once we get this we can see them for who they really are and then make that choice as to whether it’s good enough or not. It doesn’t ease the pain of the break up though, I know. I hope you are okay now. The most important thing to do is to really look at why you were attracted to someone like this. Usually, it’s those of us with low self-esteem and a propensity to put others before ourselves (narcissists feed off those who have a capacity for great empathy). And heal that. Otherwise you risk repeating it in the next relationship you go into. (I am about to launch a course which shows you the exact steps to do this, if you find you are struggling at all down the track). It’s nice to have you as part of this community. Thanks again. Stay strong x
Wow! My husband and I are in couples counseling and he has completely won over our therapist. I originally chose her because she specializes in narcissists so I thought that she would see through his charming and intelligent presence. Hubby and I meet individually with her and as a couple. I hoped that individually she would help me with healing from our awful fights. I often feel shell shocked and terrified of everything and everyone after the verbal beatings I receive from my successful, handsome, charming caring, loving, etc husband. I try to come up with strategies for walking away when I feel something dangerous stirring. But often I’m in the middle of another attack before I realized it was happening. I’ve actually seen a physical change in my husband, the eyes, the shoulders, once we start fighting he is determined to win and will say anything to crush me and it doesn’t stop until I’m a sobbing mess begging for his forgiveness or if I just become quiet and sit at his side with my head down until he accepts that I’ve accepted what he’s saying and stopped trying to defend myself (because all of my crimes and defects are obviously indefendable), then he will often cry and apologize and tell me that he hates himself and he will do better to take care of me and some of the most over-the-top declarations of love. I don’t believe a word of it any more. Well, honestly I guess I do try to believe it, but we just got into a fight yesterday after having a huge fight that ended in him swearing his love for me, but two hours later I was taking a quiet moment to read in the kitchen and he came in. He said something and I heard what he said, but thought he’s added something at the end and asked him to repeat what he’d said. He got a funny look on his face and repeated himself. I said “oh, I heard all of that, did you add skmethjng at the end?” He looked upset and shook his head and said no, then started doing the dishes and not saying anything. I made a few small talk comments, then before I knew it was happening, he, in a very righteous I’m looking down on you (that might sound judgemental but it’s a tone he takes with me when he’s being the better person and dealing with my hysterical nature, I know the tone and what usually follows) he apologized for pissing me off. I said I wasn’t kissed off. He said I was and then very gently and patiently explained to me that it was ok for me to be pissed off. I just wanted to scream. He does this so often – he tells me I’m thinking or feeling a certain way and then we fight about that and then he adds all these other things and attacks my character then compare me to him and it’s crazy. He later said that I didn’t hear him because I wasn’t listening to him. I did hear him but if I hadn’t there is nothing wrong with that, I was engaged in an activity that he interrupted and I stopped what I was doing to give him my attention. But he claimed that he only went into the kitchen to spend time with me and I was short with him. It seems like he’s constantly looking for reasons to fight with me. I was just sitting there, I apologized for things that I felt never happened but the thing that got me the most was that this was just a few hours after his promises of treating me better and claims of how much he loves me. This is a silly example, but for me, looking back, it just seems so clear that he’s a mean guy trying to pretend to be me perfect and his constant judging of what’s in my head and heard and deciding that it’s less than what’s in his perfect mind and heart is a basis for him to be hurt deeply by me (I was just sitting and reading!) and then the lashing out at me and everything I try to say he has a comment to turn it around.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to say so mjch, I was trying to get to the point that I wanted to talk to our therapist in our individual session about whether or not it was possible that he was Mr Hyde and Dr Jekly was a mask. Until recently I was seeing it as the other way but at our session she explained to me how much he loves me and would do anything for me. If I can learn to relax and let go of the past he ad I can have a beautiful relationship. My resentment is ruining my marriage.
I’m not stuck in the past and repeatedly bringing up transgressions that were resolved. I talk about fresh fights and yes, I do refer to the way I’ve been treated in the past because it is how I’m being treated in the present. I now feel that she doesn’t believe me and my constant confusion during a fight of what’s “normal” and what’s me being crazy or what’s him gasligting and manipulating. Etc. I don’t know how to start fresh and give the day a chance when I don’t know what triggered the last fight AND after the last fight the resolution was that he forgave me for being so hurtful and he apologized for being sensitive, but there is no acknowledgment of his cruelty and abuse.
So I guess my comments are that I really relate to this article and thank you so much for allowing me this validation. I keep hoping hat things will get better and I will learn to keep my mouth shut and stop the fights. But I still have this thing in me that screams out against injustice, even to me, and I begin the fight thinking that we are on equal footing but quickly he takes over and dominates and it’s so difficult to explain to anyone who says “well why didn’t you just say this or that?” “Why didn’t you just walk out?” “Why didn’t you just…?” When he overpowers me verbally there’s this swirling mess of thoughts and emotions and Confusion and I had one therapist he told me “Just say -I don’t have to participate in this.” And then leave the room. Well I tried and I felt so incompetent and stupid when I couldn’t make it work. We have a bunch of kids and he’s rich, I sold my business so that I could take care of the kids and house and now have very few resources if my own. I’m slowly working on an escape plan, but still holding out hope that I can figure out a way to modify my own behavior to make things work. Maybe if I go back to school or get a job it will change things. I already have a couple of degrees and so should be employable but he works crazy hours as an er doctor and owner of his own practice the children are neglected enough by one parent. I don’t mean to say that as a martyr, I guess the prideful part of me wanted to mention that I have an education?
Hi Mel and thank you for your message. Please don’t apologise for it. You need to vent. What you are going through sounds like classic gaslighting and narcissistic manipulation. Please trust your gut instincts as they are telling what you know already. This relationship is not good enough for you. The issue, as I see it, is you are focussing too much on him and the relationship, doing what I did, waiting and hoping for it to change. Thinking that if you change your behaviour, the he will change his. But that is the wrong approach. You need to take your focus off him and put it where it belongs, which is onto you. Your needs and wellbeing must come first. You cannot change him or anyone else. Only if he accepts he needs to change and is committed to doing so, will that happen. But your happiness must not depend on this or if it will ever come to fruition. You need to focus on you, your needs, your happiness, your self-esteem first. I promise I am not trying to do a sales job on you but I really do think you will benefit from my online video course that I have created and will relaunch soon. I was like you, waiting and hoping for things to change. Twisting myself in knots trying to vix things and keep him happy, trying to make things work. But that is handing your power to them. You have the answer within you and you can change your life. I went from a single mother, my ex almost killed me. I turned my life around and found success in life, career and long-term healthy love. You can do this too. There is life after abuse, I promise. This is not good enough for you. You deserve better. It starts with you believing that. That is the hardest step, but once you get this you won’t look back. I am here to support you. My biggest concern is you seeing the change in his eyes. This is a huge warning sign for me. That black, cold look in their eyes is the one I saw when my ex strangled me and almost killed me. Please heed the warning signs your gut is telling you. No love is worth dying for. I am here if you need me xx
I’m reading this and agreeing with it all. I’m scared to leave, scared of being a broke single mother and not being able to give my daughter all she needs. I’ll have to move back to Australia, leave all her friends and her beloved dog behind. I’m so completely miserable, I can function anymore and have no tolerance for anything. I feel completely downtrodden and hate the position I’m in. I haven’t worked properly for 8 years, I have no money, no possessions, I have nothing but a destroyed soul.
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I recall the same feeling of being trapped and fearful of life as a single mother too. You deserve better, as does your daughter. Bringing her up in an abusive home is perhaps worse than having to find new friends? The fear of the unknown is crippling, I know. But is it worse than staying and living a life you’ll one day look back on with regret? Leaving an abusive relationship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I thought it was the end, but it is really just the beginning of healing from it. It is a difficult process, I understand how hard it must seem to you right now. But I am proof that you can change your life and that you do have the answers and strength within you. I went from being a young, single mother and victim of violence to turning my life around completely. I went on to have a successful career and found long-term healthy love with the man I am still married to now. I broke the cycle of abuse and my son grew up to respect women. You can break this cycle. I know it’s a confusing time and you may see no way out. Perhaps this may be of help to you: I’m just about to launch my second online video course in which I show you the steps I took to change my life. The first course, along with other courses, are included in my membership community: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/membership. If not for you, then please do keep reading my posts and watching my videos as they may give you some guidance too.
Thanks for this wonderful article, it just clarifies me that I wasn’t stupid to ignore his bad behavior before marriage. These kind of peoples are experts to hide their bad side. I am leaving separate since a month & he comes to my home once a week to apologize & he is so sweet these days just for the sake to reconcile the situation.
He blames his bad childhood for same but when confronted with his family they say my husband is lying of his bad childhood.
I was a fool who wasted 4 yes of my life in the hope that he will change one day.
No you weren’t stupid! They are just masters of manipulation. They will blame everything and anyone, other than themselves. They never take responsibility for their bad behaviour. You haven’t wasted those years. Because look at what you have learnt about yourself and relationships. I don’t regret the 4 1/2 years of my life with mine. The wisdom it gave me is what has led me to now live the life I love and find a happy, healthy relationship.
This article was very helpful. I am also a woman that is always sucked back in to the Mr Jekyll side of my husband. I have been verbally abused and physically abused. I have been called awful names, worthless, I deserve to die and he hopes I kill myself, told I should be killed if I am a demon( which he has called me), I have been thrown down stairs, thrown to the ground with my 3 year old son in my arms, my hair pulled to force me to to sexual favors, locked outside my house in the cold on 3 occasions. All of this because he says I lie to him and I have lied to him in fear like not telling him much a male co worker spoke to me, for erasing a parental contact of a patient of mine which was a male after panicking when he asked me about it. I lied 10 years ago when I did not tell him my ex boyfriend texted( at that time we were just seeing each other). I feel like I am a liar for doing those things but yet I was trying to protect myself from the Mr. Hyde. He says I am to blame and that I am tearing our marriage apart. I also feel part of the problem since I am full of resentment for the years of verbal abuse and physical abuse. He says I am lucky he is not like every other guy in this town that will hit their wives and girlfriends. I have tried to leave after an fight in which he said he wanted a divorce there was no physical abuse but of course the verbal abuse. I told him to not be with him is what I really wanted and then he woke up our oldest daughter she is 7. He tells her that her mother is breaking apart our family and she begins to cry and beg and because I love my children so much I agree not to leave and as soon as I agreed he tells our daughter you can go back to bed now. Then he says see you are the one who always wants to quit. I don’t quit my family like you do and want to hurt our children. I am filled with guilt from every direction. I am caught in this whirlwind of wanting to go and wanting to stay. I have no other reasons to stay than my children. I am an educated woman that makes decent money and can easily move out with and start a new life but yet still feel helpless. I can disagree with everything in my marriage but I just can’t seem to put an end to it. Thank you for the article it helped me see I am not crazy and I am not the only one getting sucked back in by Dr. Jekyll.
Hi Brianne, thank you for your message. I’m so sorry to hear your story and how much abuse you have suffered. You say you have ‘no other reasons to stay than my children’ but I would ask if this really is a good environment to raise them in? Exposing them to violence and verbal abuse? I would suggest that you and they deserve better and if you have to the means to get out of this relationship I would urge you to consider it. This isn’t about love, it’s control. The best role model you can be for your children is to teach them about self love and setting healthy boundaries. That comes first by you leading by example and showing them you are loving yourself, taking care of your wellbeing, so you can be the best person you can be.
Please get help and support. I’ve listed free domestic violence hotlines and helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
We become codependent on these relationships. It is like an addiction, one that pulls you back to the person who hurts you. It is very hard to leave. I couldn’t do it without support. It’s also important to work out a Safe Exit Action Plan and not tell them you are leaving. That is the most dangerous time, when they fear that loss of control over you. You’re not crazy. Look after yourself. Viv
Oy. the hardest part is that i have a 4-year-old son and some part of me thought it would be a good idea to maintain that father/son relationship before I really understood what is going on. now i am still stuck with seeing this man and horribly hearing my son talk of his times (at least 24 hours waking time with him). the gaslighting is the worst and i can see my very intelligent son try this out on me and others and it infuriates me and i am not clear what to do. i feel like i have broken my personal addiction at this point, but now my child is in the mix (court-ordered). this man has completely character assassinated me, and also brought others in to back him up. But my son! what to do?
Sorry to hear how your son is being affected. Are you able to deal with him only via a 3rd party? Or can you limit any contact with him to just pick up/drop off times and nothing more. I would not engage or respond to anything other than the facts of what time you are handing your son over if possible. Keep all emotion out of it no matter what he says. I would suggest not ever saying bad things about his father to him either, as hard as that may be. Kids are smart and when he grows up he’ll remember this and that his father did the opposite. I would be firm with your child when he tries it on and make it clear it is unacceptable behaviour. Possibly consider getting some support for him, such as a child psychologist?
I found this article after doing a search for abusers having 2 faces. I feel a bit shell-shocked after dating a guy I think is probably an abuser for a short while. He told me his girlfriends have left him without explanation, when I was fed up of his treatment the last time I saw him, I told him, ‘I think I know why your girlfriends left you, because you were horrible to them!’ I caught feelings for him as at first he seemed kind, generous, affectionate, fun, and very respectful of my wishes, always asking for example, ‘can I see you? Can I kiss you? Etc. From the beginning my intuition was saying, ‘don’t trust him’ though. After the third date, I had picked up on little lies that he told, and told him, ‘it’s done, because you lie’ and blocked off all contact. Then I couldn’t stop missing him and the fun I’d previously had with him, so the third day of fighting my feelings him I gave in and reinitiated contact and gave him a chance to explain himself. On the fourth date, it was mostly enjoyable, although he made some misogynistic comments and at one point when we were kissing, grabbed my belly skin/folds and said, ‘fat, you’re fat.’ I have a flat stomach and 24 inch waist! After he left, I thought, ‘OK that’s the end, that comment is inexcusable.’ But then I saw him 2 days later at the gym (that’s where we met) and he was back to the ‘nice’ him, helping me out with the machines, asking about my day, opening doors for me, offering to buy me a meal. It made me think I’d got him wrong again! I invited him over for dinner, and he was critical and verbally abusive throughout, despite me telling him 4/5 times in different ways, ‘you need to start speaking to me respectfully.’ He would say nasty comments, kept calling me the wrong name repeatedly, a derivative of my real name even after I told him, I don’t like that, please call me X. It was bizarre! The other head screw was that he was very good in bed (I didn’t have sex with him, but foreplay stuff happened) gentle, sensual. It’s hard not to feel that person really likes and respects you when they act in that way, sexually! I have been feeling down on myself that I let things go as far as a 5th date when I had his number early on. I only ever date abusive men (I’m 30 and never had a boyfriend because these men are not boyfriend material, plus my chronic illness makes it difficult.) I so want to break out of this cycle, which I believe I’m subconsciously attracting, because I get a lot of offers, but only ever accept the abusive ones!
I’m so glad you’ve written this. This is the classic first signs of emotional abuse or coercive control. You get just a glimpse before the nice side switches back on. Enough to leave you wondering if you imagined it. He is showing you signs that he wants to control things like your body/weight etc. He is critical of things that you do. He blames others in the past for his behaviour, so takes no responsibility for it.
The best thing about this is you recognise it. Your gut and intuition is telling you not to trust him. People show you who they are from the start. You just have to trust your gut and read the signs. Without ignoring it and them. But, the longer you stay with this guy, the harder it will become and you might end up doing just that. So please, keep telling yourself you deserve better because you do.
This behaviour is coercive control, which is now deemed a crime in the UK. Emotional abuse can lead to physical violence too. So, I so glad you want to break this cycle. We do subconsciously attract narcissistic abusive types. This is NOT to victim blame. But to tell you that if you can recognise what it is in you that they are attracted to and why. What it is you first find attractive in them. Then you can work to break that cycle. I did. People like that steer well clear of me and lovely ones now come into my orbit. Including my husband now, who treats me kindly and with respect. We’ve been happily married now almost 30 years. You can do this. You can break the cycle. You’ve already taken the first step by admitting this. That was hard for me at first.
I’ve written quite a few posts about why we end up in these relationships. This is one: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/nurturing-your-inner-child/
Or look on my Home Page. There is a Categories tab: choose Healing and Recovery / Self Love for more.
Join my Unbeatable Facebook Group (closed group) for support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/
You may also benefit from my online video courses within my membership community. One course, in particular, START WITH ME: Survivor to Staying Strong, is very much about breaking the cycle of abuse. https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/membership
Stay strong x
I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you. Every feeling is how you describe. I am not ready to share my story but your video gives me so much strength to realise it’s not me. What makes me sad is when I meet someone new whom I consciously choose thinking they will be different, they end up being abusive in exactly the same way in the end. I am desperate to stop attracting the same types, I always fall for that beginning adoration stage, I am going to watch all your videos.
Thanks Tabitha, I am so glad this has helped you. The reason we unconsciously do this is we are replicating negative patterns or scenes from childhood in order to conquer them, if that makes sense. The common thing all of us who end up in these relationships is we have low self-esteem and a feeling of not being good enough. It comes from our emotional needs not fully being met as children in some way or another. It might have been subtle as it was for me, but enough to give me that sense of insecurity. You may not be aware of this, I wasn’t. I always thought I was the strong one.
We are also the types of people who have a lot of empathy, so much so we put others first. So guys like this hone in on us. First, narcissistic types have no empathy, so they tap into ours. They test the boundaries early on to see if we will empathise more with them, than ourselves and so start to take the blame for any of their bad behaviour. Secondly, as we have low self-esteem, we’re not good at setting boundaries and saying no. Even if we see those warning signs that are always there, we tend not to heed them, like others might. So, forget about them for now. The most important thing to do is to focus on you, really work on your self-esteem. Learning to trust your gut instincts and say no, this is not good enough for me. And to set healthy boundaries, so they cannot control you. Love is not about control. Self-love is key. The more worth you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to attract someone who treats you as worthy. Like attracts like. If you are strong in self-esteem and have good boundaries, those guys will start to veer away from you. They’ll know you see through them. It takes time and hard work, but you can do this. All you have to do is start with you. Keep reading my posts and watching my videos and stay strong x
Thank you so much for this post! This described my emotionally & physically abusive ex bf. Our relationship just ended a week ago. To this day he’s still telling his family it was an accidental altercation. There is nothing accidental about 5 bruises on my body. I never knew which face I was gonna get any given day. I walked on eggshells constantly for fear that I would upset him and then see the other person. He treated me with disgust when we would fight and I would beg and plead with him not to treat me like this and to forgive me and I would apologize over and over again. It was such a sick demented relationship and to this day he still doesn’t see his responsibility and part in any of this. Thank you for writing this! You hit the nail on the head and confirmed back to me I am indeed not the crazy one.
Sorry to hear what you’ve been through Shaun. I’m glad you are away from him, even though I know leaving can be hard. I hope you’ve recovered and are staying strong. You are not the crazy one. Viv x
I can’t thank you enough for this. All of it. I’ve been no contact for 5 months, and he is still on my mind constantly. I am still romanticizing the relationship, and I still believe I made him do the things he did.
We met back in 2001, and dated for a year. I’d never felt so in love in my life. He had a temper, and he cheated. But he made me feel so beautiful and we had so much in common. He left me and I had a hard time moving on, but I did. Years later, in 2009, we reconnected. I left my husband for the possibility of spending time with this guy again. For four years we dated, but I knew there were other people. I asked for a commitment, and in 2013 he gave it to me. He stopped seeing another girl and said he always wanted to just be with me. He moved in with my daughter and me. I was over the moon happy. He still cheated. He’s in the military, and any time he had to go away with them for school or training, I’d get social media messages from really young girls asking how I knew him and telling me they’d spent nights in hotels together. I ignored it, because the good times were worth it. Once we lived together, the raging started. What I thought was just a temper was so much worse. He’d call me names and punch himself in the head. Not speak to me for days if I mentioned I was worried about him cheating. I bought a house for us. He never contributed to bills or the mortgage, it he took care of the house, so I thought that was fair. He told me constantly that I made him hate his life. Which never made sense to me because I took care of everything and basically worshipped the ground he walked on. All I wanted was time with him. His friends always came first. I sat on my couch so many weekends just hoping he’d ask me to do something with him. When I’d ask to make plans he’d remind me that he hated his life and just needed time to do things with his friends. But when he did spend time with me, it was the most fun I’ve ever had. Made me feel so special. I feel pathetic writing this because I know how it sounds. He left me in may. Then for three months he was texting and calling every day, telling me what I had to do to convince him to come back. And I would do it all. But he would tell me I waited too long or I did it j the wrong way, so he was done. A week after he said he was done the last time, he went back to the girl he cheated on me with 5 years ago. They now live together and are buying a house. I can’t stop thinking that he’s a better person for her. And she’s been the one for him all along. I can’t make sense of any of this.
Thank you for writing Jessica. I’m glad it’s helped you to read this. Please know that you deserve better than this and you are better off without him, as hard as that may be to hear. He is not a better person for her. He will do the same to her as he has to you. This man is abusive – emotional abuse is still abuse. He will not change when with another woman, until he is accountable for his actions and behaviour and not blaming others for it. Don’t feel pathetic writing this. It can happen to anyone. It did to me too. Emotional abuse is also known as coercive control and their tactics are highly manipulative. They distort your sense of reality, so you blame yourself for what happens, rather than them. They whittle away at your self-esteem, so you don’t realise you deserve better. You are better off without him, trust me. I would cut all contact with him as hard as that will be. Then you will be away from his manipulation. I would also seek help and support as you need to focus on you now and building your sense of self worth, so you can find someone who will treat you as worthy. I’ve listed helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ Stay strong. You can do this. Turn you back on this man and keep walking away.
I arrived at this site because I was married for 12 years to a man I adored…we have 3 beautiful children. I thought he was the Godliest man I’d ever known…teacher, preacher, husband and father by day…..pervert, adulterer, pursuer of women (lots) by night. However he hid it all those years….and very well.. .from me, my whole family and church. I was conditioned to believe every word. When he was finally caught at his job with a woman….it all started coming out. He gave me 2 diseases……our divorce is almost final. I have used this description several times. But in my situation, I was in such a fog, I never saw the signs of manipulation or abuse so I never pushed him during the marriage….thus he was never violent. But the abuse was there mentally and emotionally. I can see that clearly now.
Thank you for sharing. None of us is alone. <3
You are not alone Silver, as you say. Sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you are free from this abuse now. Stay strong x
I was in a relationship almost 3 years with a very abusive guy, verbal and physical but I didn’t notice at first. We got together when I was kicked out my house by my family, he took me into his home with his family and everything was good so I thought, I’m the midst of my depression from how things were going with my own family, he was cheating on me with a lot of females. When I finally found out about it he put the blame on me for not satisfying him, but then in the same instance telling me how much he “loved me and how we were going to be together forever, that he would never cheat on me anymore that he had my back no matter what” blah blah blah. So in my circumstance I stayed I continued to try to believe him, the cheating persisted arguments escalated and that’s when the verbal and physical abuse really started. Long story short we have a child now and moved into a new home, it seemed everything was going to work out, then a minor disagreement lead to him splitting my face open by punching me repeatedly. In front of my older son from a previous relationship. I went to the hospital and my downstairs neighbor ended up calling the police on him and he’s now going through court cases about it and he’s not allowed at my place anymore per me and mostly my landlord thank god! I honestly still feel a little bad for him. I feel I still need to protect him from going to jail because I feel I don’t want it to be my fault that he would end up there. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I pray everyday and ask for strength to get out of the grips he still has on me. I haven’t stopped talking to him due to us having a child together and me needing his help with that. I feel sort of lost on how I should handle that situation but I feel everyday I get a little stronger from the distance of not living together. I’m not 100{ec14814919eb59c611bbdb0d89399e55d4b458090706d10d1b6811171aaaf286} but I’m far from where I started initially!
Hi Rose. Please don’t blame yourself. Even if he went to prison you are not to blame or responsible for his violence. He targeted someone vulnerable and whom he knew he could control. He blamed you for his unacceptable behaviour, such as having affairs. He is an adult and responsible for all his actions. I am glad you have got away from this man. The abuse would only get worse. Now you and your son have a chance for a better life. If you can I would only speak to him via a third party re access etc. Cut all contact. The more you are exposed to his brainwashing and manipulation, the easier it is to get sucked back in. And do consider getting help and support to work on yourself and build your sense of self worth, so you can learn how to set strong boundaries to protect yourself. Stay strong x
Well done for finding the strength and courage Rose, as I know how hard that is. I’m sorry you’ve been through all this. You are not to blame, even if he does go to gaol. He is an adult and responsible for his actions and behaviour. You did not ask to be, nor deserve to be punched in the face or suffer any other form of abuse from him. If he suffers the consequences from his actions, then so be it. I would consider cutting all contact with him if you can. You can organise access visits to your child etc. through a neutral third party. I did this through a Legal Aid lawyer. The longer you are exposed to him and any manipulation, the harder it is to break free. I’m glad you’re feeling stronger. Take one day at a time, surround yourself with family and friends you trust and get help and support if you need it. Whatever it takes to move on and protect yourself and your child.
Thank you for your response on a previous post. Have just read this and like so many others here am living it. Months of verbal abuse, escalating to physical. Mood swings and sulks. Being ignored and punished. Yet everything is my fault. He wants to change but I’m too hurt and angry so I’m treating him “badly” by not believing him, I’m holding him back because “who could possibly make positive changes in this environment?”. And the stupid thing is that I can type this here and know in my heart that I am right to be angry and feel emotionally worn out- but the second I tell him and try to leave the “nice side” comes into play (after the usual rage- also my fault) and suddenly I feel awful again that I am thinking of leaving this emotionally damaged man who wants to love me properly and just doesn’t know how. And I feel guilty for my anger that he has assaulted me. I feel guilty for emotionally withdrawing and not behaving “like a proper girlfriend”. I feel guilty for not “standing by and supporting” when he has made a decision to change his ways. He hasn’t hit me again but will still if ‘pushed’ call me names, make derogatory comments about my body, imply that he wants to hit me and throw things. Again- I know all of this is unacceptable and not what I want in my life, it is such a rollercoaster.
My pleasure Lauren, I try to answer every one. All of this confirms that he is accepting responsibility for his behaviour and actions. And I hate to say this, you are enabling him to do so by accepting the guilt for it and feeling that it is your duty to save him from himself. You can’t change him. Nothing you do will work. Only he can change himself. You have every right to be angry and putting yourself first is not selfish. It is self-caring. It’s important you start to put you first and that means your needs and wellbeing, above his. We stay longer than we should – even when our heads tell us we should leave – as we convince ourselves we can fix them and turn that damaged person into the fantasy one we have in our heads. But the reality is he is who he is showing himself to be. Someone who doesn’t care enough about your needs, who blames you for his own failings, is hurtful and disrespectful. What if he never changes? Is this good enough for you? Is this relationship going to fulfil you, meet your emotional needs? I think not. Do you deserve better? Yes, you do.
I completely agree about deserving better! What I’ve found is that even though he is starting to make steps toward recovery (identifying triggers for behaviours and admitting-finally-that it’s not my fault) I still struggle with forgiveness and cannot bring myself to give him another chance. And ultimately I don’t think I like him as much any more, not at the moment at least. And I feel terrible for admitting these things and so guilty for choosing now to leave when he is starting to potentially make progress.
I just know that I need to prioritise my needs for a while – which means getting some space away from the relationship- and seeing what happens from there. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster. I have watched many of your videos and read so many responses and want to thank you for the support you provide.
Hi Lauren, you have no reason to feel guilty, even if he is taking steps towards recovery. Prioritising your needs for once is self-caring, not selfish. There’s a difference. You have no guarantee either that he will continue to make progress. The bottom line is, as you say, you don’t like him. That was one of the biggest turning points for me. I realised I didn’t like him. I loved him (or I thought I did – I was confused by what love was then). But, I didn’t like him. Listen to your gut telling you this and ask yourself: do we share all the same core values, beliefs and goals? Does he bring out the best in me and I in him? What if he never changes? Can I accept him for who he is right now, unconditionally – if he never changes – and is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? I think you know the answer. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t look back, you do deserve better, as you say.
Thank you for this incredible writing on abuse and all those who have commented. I am currently sitting in my card trying to calm down after an explosive argument. Married 25 years.. Dr J and Mr H have behavior has come and gone over our entire relationship. Alcohol being a huge factor. Going through yest a horrible betrayal of infidelity yet again. Not always years in between then resurfaces again. I i have incredible loving teenage boys living at home. They no very little about Mr Hyde. I worked very hard to protect them from knowing so not to disrupt and hurt their lives. They know we Re going through a very difficult time. His verbal abuse to me when I am putting up boundaries and calling him on his shit and poor behavior trying to stick up for myself, he goes over the top. Unforgivable demeaning and disrespect. Minimizes. Everything.. Apologies etc.. I honestly feel completely at a loss for what to do. I hate with my entire being for this to hurt and effect my sons. They want our life normal and happy. My self worth and esteem is being brutality abused. I cannot believe what is happening.. Things r escalating. He is in therapy as I am right now as well. Trying to figure out what to do with my life, no answer feels good to me. He is chopping away at my being. And I too always go back to his redeeming qualities my sons, self Blane, feel sorry for him etc… Thank u for being here to vent and make me feel less alone. I honestly, spend every single day trying to figure out what to do. Thank you
Hi Daniela. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I remember how painful and confusing it is. I think you may have answered your own question. Your sons want a normal and happy life. You say the abuse is escalating. You will not find happiness here and your needs will not be met. It will also affect your boys as the abuse will only get worse. You deserve better than this, especially if he is having affairs. Is this relationship good enough for you?
I’m glad you are getting counselling and support as it is so important now for you to focus on you and building your self esteem back. The longer you stay, the more this will be chipped away at and the harder it will be to leave.
You say – no answer feels good to you. That’s true. But, think about this. Yes, leaving will be painful and hard. It hurts as we still love the person we believe they really are deep down inside. We didn’t ask for the abuse. This is why we keep going back to them. To eradicate the pain of leaving, as often they show us love again when we go back. But it never lasts and the abuse continues. Or, you could stay and give him the message that it’s okay to abuse you and to be unfaithful. You’ll stand by him even if he keeps blaming you for his behaviour and won’t be accountable for it. Again, the abuse will only get worse. So, either way, there’s pain. I know it’s an awful set of options.
I believe the short term pain for longer term gain is the better one. When I left it was the most painful thing I’ve ever done in my life. But with help and support you can get through it and it doesn’t last. You can turn your life around. With work on yourself, you can even go on to find healthy love and a wonderful relationship like I have done. If you stay, you’re shutting the door to this option. You may even end up risking your life as emotional abuse can become physical.
Unless he takes full responsibility for his behaviour and addiction, gets a lot of support and treatment and genuinely works on himself to change then what choice is there if you want to be normal and happy again. You can’t change him. You can only change you. The first step is the hardest. Once you take it, you take the next one. Then the next. I’m glad you’re here and thank you for your kind words about my writing too.
You might like to join my secret FB group, as there’s lots of lovely and supportive people in there going through what you are now: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/
If you want to follow the steps I took to turn my life around you can find out more about my online video courses here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/work-with-me
I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years, together for 14 and we’ve been friends of friends going back over 20 years to when we were teenagers. He is just as you describe above and my feelings also mirror yours. My answers to the questions in your blog are almost all ‘no’. All of the reasons that I need to leave him are amplified now that we have a child; she is 2. I find myself appeasing him and walking on eggshells more than ever to ‘prevent’ flare ups, because I don’t want my daughter to be exposed to it.
The four things that stop me moving on are:
1) No one else has any idea that Mr Hyde exists; our separation would go un-explained and be totally un-expected; the assumption would be that I must be the one to blame. Over the years I’ve become the introverted one, stripped of self-confidence as you describe above. To everyone else he’s wonderful, easy-going, kind, thoughtful, hard-working and a stickler for detail (Dr Jekyll). Ironically it’d only be his family, who’d figure-out why we’d have separated, even if they weren’t particularly happy about it! He, his two brothers and his father all behave in the same way. In fact the brothers all believe that their mothers’ demise at the age of 60 from severe dementia was due to their fathers controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour towards her over the many years of their, outwardly happy, 40-odd year-long marriage.
2) I know he wouldn’t leave our marital home, I would have to take my daughter and find and fund somewhere else to live and I’d be terrified of his reaction to that. There’s no way that I would risk telling him that I want to separate/divorce and us still try to co-habit whilst we worked out how to do that; I fear the emotional abuse would turn physical (he already breaks, punches and kicks things when he has a Mr Hyde episode and lately he also throws things at me… but he never touches me directly).
3) He only spends limited time with her (because of his working hours) but by and large he is a good dad to our daughter. If I sought advice about separation from anyone (be that a counsellor, solicitor, GP etc.) I’m pretty sure they would confirm that he IS being emotionally, and maybe even, physically abusive towards me. I fear that then matters would be taken out of my hands and perhaps measures put in place to prevent him from seeing our daughter… if that happened I really dread to think how he’d react
4) He has in the past, and I believe would again, threaten to kill himself.
In some ways it would be a massive relief if HE met someone else; that’s the only way I can see myself getting out of this mess; I know that’s a really crazy thing to say. The thing is he sees himself as being so righteous and principled that I don’t think he’d ever cheat.
Hi Faye. I’ll address each point in order. 1) Do you really want to stay in an abusive relationship because you fear what others will think? Why put others opinions above your needs and wellbeing? If you lose friends along the way because of it, then they’re not the type of friend you want anyway. 2) I think you are right to fear what might happen if you leave. I would advise getting help and support to plan a safe and careful exit. They could also advise re financial support and issues re your child. I’ve listed resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ 3) It takes a lot for courts to refuse parental access to a child. Rather than fear the unknown, I would speak to someone. As I say, get help and support and arm yourself with facts and knowledge that allow you to make informed choices and decisions. 4) If he threatens to kill himself that is his choice alone. You do not have to feel guilty or responsible for this. But I would add that if he has said this, then he is also a man who could kill you. Some men kill their partners or families, before taking their own life. I would take this threat seriously and it gives me more reason to say you need help and support to plan a safe and careful exit.
Thank you for your series of posts on abusive partners and relationships. I have been in a relationship with a man for 9 months. Initially he was the dream come true, I touted him as my soulmate. We have a lot of overlaps in interests and hobbies, dreams and many things we love in life. He was this smart, kind, loving man who convinced me that being with him is the right thing to do. I was initially apprehensive but was swayed by the way he was coming after me with such conviction. He was showering me with lots of affirmations and love. In fact it took me a long time before I could say ” I love you” to him. Once I was hooked, everything changed slowly. That’s when I realised a series of habits and patterns I have been blinded to. Everything was my fault. Every mistake I made (dropping crumbs on the floor, leaving streaks on a glass surface after cleaning, closing the door too hard, mysterious particles that appeared on a seat was “my doing” – breadcrumbs that I must have dropped when in fact it was sand particles from his bike. ) all our fights was because “I am inefficient and deliberately drag the fight out”, my emotions and sensitive sides of me are “killing our relationship”. When I went overseas for a month with my family 3 months into our relationship, I thought from all the texting and calls and the words that he said that he truly missed me and the distance was making him so sad. Eventually I hacked into his phone and found out that he was meeting up with many girls, bringing a couple of them back to the home we were sharing. He lied to me about meeting up with this girl throughout the early part of our relationship, meeting him about twice a month, more when I was away for the overseas trip mentioned above. When I confronted him, he insisted that he did nothing wrong because she is just a friend and he promised to cease all contact with her. When I eventually hacked his phone, I found out that on the very day where he promised me, he texted her and change her name. Yet i forgave him for all of the above. But he kept fighting with me over every small thing. When I said I felt forsaken by God, he was livid because he said that there is no way I qualify for that description because I am still alive wand healthy physically. He screamed at me like I am a dog and his whole face twisted into another being. He was angry when he asked me if I would be with him forever, and I said this relationship is extremely difficult. He doesn’t allow me to have an opinion and fought with me for a few hours until I caved and admit that it is not a difficult relationship. Everytime I express my feelings and emotions, he invalidates them by calling them invalid, that they couldnt be justified and I am letting my emotions fool me. He is earning 5 figure every month while I am jobless at the moment, but he expects me to pay for non necessity items that catches his fancy from time to time, or when he asks me to bring his car for servicing I ended up paying for it. – car servicing that amounts to 1k, camera lens, an expensive rack of pork that costs $175) I have used up a lot of my savings on him but he doesnt remember that and kept thinking that I am not paying enough so he kept asking me for “treats” – meals that cost a few hundreds each time. I clean his house and do the housework, iron his clothes, wash the toilets, clean up after every meal, fold his clothes in the exact way he demands them to be folded. He complains that I am not thin enough when my BMI is a healthy level of 21 and expects me to work out daily even when I have a hip injury now. He constantly talks of his exes, how great they are, what he shared with them, making me extremely jealous and insecure, and after making me into that creature, he criticised me for being so insecure that I do not believe him when he says he loves me. He wants me to trust that he is a good person and follow his wishes blindly. When I say I need his actions in place for me to trust him, like listening to what I have to say, he turned it around and say that I expect him to do everything. I cab to the last meeting place of his work day daily to wait for him, sleep at 12-2 am for him almost everynight (god forbid that I fall asleep first) and waking up at 6-8am in the mornings, follow him to work only to cab to my own place after. Yet I do not feel appreciated. I help him with his work, generating presentation slides and clearing of emails ( he had tens of thousands of emails) which he gets annoyed when I ask for clarification or more direction and instructions. He would snap at me. I handle his errands like waiting for delivery, liaising with logistics people and reno and repair people. There are more than 3 occasions where I would wait for him at the place he asked me to for over an hour, only to receive a message that says he is not at the particular place. Waiting for him for an hour at his last meeting place is the norm. He doesnt allow me to wear make up or dresses he deemed too short. He criticised my choice of undergarments and expect me to wear what he likes. He had previously commited to sleeping at the same time as me but he stopped doing that, staying up late to use his ipad while i try my best to wait as long as possible before dozing off. I dont know why I am still with this man. I love him but I hate myself. I am suffering everyday yet I couldnt walk away. I feel so exhausted physcially and emotionally. What I have described here is only a tiny fraction of what I am experiencing on a daily basis. He controls what I eat, expects me to follow his belief for what qualifies as healthy eating, but on the flip side he downs bags of chips and pints of ice cream from time to time, after criticising the amount of salt i use for cooking. Everytime something goes wrong, car doesnt star, washing machine door fails to open, heater not on, roaches in the bathroom, pimples appearing on him, him not finishing his work, him having diarrhoea and a sensitive gut (he claims because he is sharing germs with me and I have a weaker gut than him) ALL OF THESE ARE MY FAULT. Please help me. Everytime we fight, he turns into this verbally abusive person who screams at me with rage I have never seen before in my life. And trust me, I have been through a lot yet nothing else comes close, not even my dad’s rage which I had to put up with in my growing up years. I even gave up my dog for him, my old life, my previous marriage, comfort, sleep, etc.
Dear R, this breaks my heart reading this. What you have described is coercive control. It is emotional abuse and manipulation that is all designed to control you. In the UK now this is deemed a crime. Please get help and support. It is hard to cope with this alone as it is a form of brainwashing. I would urge you to seek advice and support and leave this man. He is treating you no better than a slave. This is not love, but control and your needs and wellbeing are being ignored, in favour of his own. I’ve listed free, anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Dear Vivian,
I left my partner of 11 years together with my young daughter because he was suffering from mental issues which he wouldn’t seek help for.(possibly schizophrenia/psychosis).
We used to have lots of arguments where I literally jumped out of the car screaming and shouting, ran out the door at night or started banging doors.
Now I think that it is him who used to trigger arguments by saying something insulting or that he knows i disliked.
Then he used to call his sister and talk against me telling her ‘Nadine is shouting and banging doors here…not sure why..she is making a show of us with the neighbours /upsetting the child’ and that used to infuriate me more.
So I started to get very stressed and angry most of the time because of all this going on.
I wonder if I am partly to blame for this abusive behaviour too?
Thanks.
Nadine
Nadine, no one is to blame for abuse inflicted on them by another. Narcissists often trigger arguments and always blame you for their actions. You also have a right to be angry for being insulted. I’m glad you found the courage to leave for a better life without him.
I have read the original story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The Jekyll you wrote about was exactly like the one in the in the original. Hyde was who he really was and in the end wanted to be. He kept the Jekyll in order to keep his friends and status just like your Jekyll. He also did nice things to his victims like making out a check for the child he trampled to try and keep Hyde out of trouble. But in the end his closet friend Utterson discover who he really.
While I’m looking forward to finding my first boyfriend I hope never to meet a Jekyll/Hyde. But if I ever do I’ll won’t be a victim. For I will be Mrs. Seek and uncover the truth.
Good for you Gabrielle. You will probably meet many in your lifetime. But as long as you watch not what they say, but what they do you should be able to sift out the bad ones from the good. If their actions align with their words. That is, they treat you with kindness, not just say nice things. Always remember you are enough, with or without a boyfriend.
This is exactly what I experienced. The thing is, his nice side was SO nice, SO generous, SO sexual (in the case of my ex), way more than anything I had ever experienced with any other guy. You start to believe that this guy is amazing and way above the rest. Then the control and abuse starts….
I never knew people like this existed and it makes me furious to say the least! To be honest, I am so mad that I want to destroy his reputation without him knowing it was me. One day I just might although I already know your response and that I shouldn’t do such a thing.
I said it in another post and I will say it again: you are healing people with your website. Thank you so much!
Hi Natashai, sadly how you describe your ex is how so many describe theirs. It’s easy to see how it can be so seductive and difficult to leave. We just keep wanting the high again. Yes, you’re right I would say that! Don’t waste your precious energy on him for another minute, try to let go, otherwise he is still controlling you in a way. You’re still tied to him and his victim. Focus it on you, building your self esteem and defeating him by going on to have a wonderful life without him. Thanks so much for your kind words too, it means so much to me to have feedback like that. I appreciate it.
Hi, i came across your site while trying to search for answers. my story is a long one so i wont go into it all. i have often told myself my husband has two sides one is so good, so loving everything i want, the other is so bad, so verbally abusive and getting worse. I’ve been called so many names and blamed for all his outbursts, i have tried everything from talking to him about his behavior, ignoring it, i even tell him i am sorry even when i’ve done nothing wrong, now i am at the point that i spend every day shut in a different room than him, i thought if i dont speak then i can’t get yelled at right? WRONG… It can be something so small like today i asked him if he had his phone and he went off, the other day i wanted a drink of water from the sink i asked him just to move over a little bit so i could get some water, he went off at me. he always swears at me, tells me its all my fault, tells me i am mentally ill. it usually happens in cycles he will be yelling constantly for a week or two then he wont talk at all for days then he will say how sorry he is and how he messed up and how its not me, he will then be nice and charming for about two weeks then it starts all over again. i too fell in love with this charming loving guy, we have 4 young adult children, they know there is problems two still live at home but he doesnt yell at me when they are home so they don’t see it all. In the past there would be long gaps between the anger and yelling as much as 6 months but now its for weeks monthly. i try not to cry around him but today i couldnt hold it in so i cried in my room he came in and just me crying caused him to start yelling at me. i have no support and no one i can talk to. due to both our circumstances i am unable to move out. how do people deal with the abuse everyday? how do you prevent it from killing your soul? i hope someone answers me as i am desperate, i just dont know how much longer i can go on like this for
Hi Sharon, I’m so sorry to read your story. I’m afraid nothing you do or so will work. You can’t change him. This is psychological abuse or coercive control. I have written more on this here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship and here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/how-a-narcissist-plays-you/ You can get support and there is someone you can talk to and I urge you to do this as the abuse will only escalate and get worse. You already say that it is. It may also lead to physical violence. I have listed free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Omg this story is life-altering for me. I am about to leave my husband tomorrow and this gives me the courage and confidence I needed. I will be forever grateful that I FINALLY understand our story, which used to be incredibly confounding!! Perhaps you have posted this already, but HOW can these people be helped? Mr. Hyde does not come out in full force with my husband, so I feel like there’s hope that he can change and find happiness in life. Thank you again for this profound gift.
I was in a way lucky, my ex-husband who is Mr. Hyde, gave me the best 1 year anniversary gift of paper in the form of a divorce petition. I thankfully that all I had to do was move into my stepmom’s place for 1 night and he then decided it was over for us, otherwise I would have probably stayed for longer. I feel God knew that I hate divorce so much that it would have be incredibly difficult for me to file for divorce. I wish I could say that that was the only abusive relationship I have ever been in but unfortunately I can’t, I can only say that he was possibly the worst. Unfortunately I have had my life verbally threatened by 2 different guys, one my ex-husband and the other a guy I was just talking to. I can’t count how many ex-boyfriends have been emotionally and or verbally abusive. I think that is why I am still single, have trouble trusting, and question if there is something about me that causes people to treat me so horribly. All I have ever wanted out of life is to be a wife and a mother but now at the age of 37, completely single, without any children, and feeling like I will never be able to have a family of my own due to financial difficulty as well as mental health issues; I wonder what is there?…..
I know this was written some months ago but I wanted to reply and say you still have time to meet someone really nice and not abusive. You’re still young at 37, there’s still time for kids. I came out of an abusive relationship at age 41, we have one child aged 3. I have spent the last two years recovering, mainly through RTT hypnotherapy, it has worked wonders for me, re-setting my negative thought patterns about myself and about men. Remember there is something very wrong with HIM not you. I now feel ready to date and believe I will attract a healthy relationship. Please don’t give up, you have everything going for you and he has nothing going for him!!
I am the one that has “two sides”. As I read this my heart breaks for what I have out my girlfriend through. I am truly not a “monster” but I am a broken, scared, and very short tempered. The person she fell in love with IS the person I am. When things get hard I start to see my past, the abuse, the neglect, the usage. NONE of which she would ever do to me. I get mean, she gets mean, we both say things we don’t mean to the other. The love I have for her is a love I have never felt before and I do NOT want to hurt her. I am proud of her for anything and everything she does good or bad. I talk nothing but good about her and I would NEVER talk bad about her. I am nice to her but we do have our issues and we are BOTH mean to each other. I respect her as she respects me, we both think the other does something the other cant. I am nice, polite, and good to her as she is to me! We have communication issues which is where most of our issues come from. I did do something in the beginning of our relationship ((1.5 years ago)) but we have made it this far and I am not ready to give up. We both screw up we both have “two sides” but when things are good things are GREAT!
When I screw up I do apologize and try to fix it. I do “stupid” little things to let her know I love her.
I am not perfect but she is perfect for me even through our bad times. I just want to show her I am not a horrible abusive monster and I am the loving, sweet, caring person she fell in love with. I want to build an empire with her.
This hit me so strongly. My ex (he dumped me 2 weeks ago) came from a broken family and genuinely nasty parents. They abused him for years. Whenever he had an episode or I called him out on his behavior, he would cry that it was all he knew growing up and he was afraid of turning into his dad.
Well, sorry, but I guess you really have.
It does pass down generations until you take responsibility for your actions and break the cycle.
These comments break my heart. I relate. For the past two years I have put up with someone who is slowly becoming Mr. Hyde. We dated for a year, and have been married for nine. In the beginning he was young, and lacked empathy, but I overlooked it. Maybe a sneak peak of what he would become but the last two years have just been bad. I have said to his face he is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was good to hear again that they are one in the same. I used to think he had a hormonal problem (or I did) because once a month we would fight. Now, its weekly. We don’t have physical altercations but he has threatened to break things that belong to me if I don’t stop talking. He has used intimidation by driving recklessly in the car when I made him angry. What I have decided is that he doesn’t like who I am, I think I am pretty cool. His own past has damaged him in a way where he lacks empathy for others, and is easily irritable, controlling, and lacks patience. When he is in a good mood, I am so happy, and when he isn’t I am in tears. Lately, I have been in tears a lot. Its hard because for 8 years he was Dr. Jekyll. For 2, Mr. Hyde. Its hard to think he is Mr. Hyde wearing the mask of Dr. Jekyll for all that time. I have to think something turned him into this. Me? Circumstance? I’m not sure. I just know its not easy to deal with, it effects my life, and unless he seeks help and makes changes this isn’t going to work for me. I just can’t financially support myself without him due to debt and we have a family together, so if things don’t work out its going to be very, very hard.
Just because it isn’t physical now doesn’t mean it won’t be. The longer you stay the worse the abuse will get and the harder it will be to leave. Don’t hang onto the fantasy of what might be one day if he changes. Chances are he won’t. If he does he needs to a) accept responsibility for his behaviour and not blame you for it b) seek help and c) put in years and years of work. Even then there is no guarantee. If he promises to change just to get you back after leaving then he will blame you when he doesn’t do the work after you give him that chance. What if he never changes? Is this good enough for you now or not? I suspect you deserve better than this.
So 7 years ago I met my husband, who swept me off my feet, all the lovely statements, full on love bomb, 3 months in the mask slipped and I saw a “side” but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now all these years later, here I am, sitting here trying to pluck up courage to leave. If we have a disagreement or I need to address anything with him, he is SO reactive. He screams and shouts like a toddler in a tantrum, he puts me down, blame shifts it all onto me, and when I finally break down and am crying just dismisses me. Then we have the silence, maybe 4 days, maybe 2 weeks, then the drawing back in and love bombing. I’m not afraid to bring anything up that might be at odds which what he thinks. He has secret messaging apps on his phone that I know about, yet I’m even too afraid to address these (which I should be able to) for fear of the “fallout” He is back in eve love bombing mr perfect phase again as I’ve withdrawn so much while I try to gather courage to end this.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this and I know how hard it is to leave. Try to take your focus off him and pour all your energy and love into YOU. Plan a safe exit, one he doesn’t know about, with as much support as you can get. There are groups such as Codependent’s Anonymous and books like: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. It is hard to leave, and it hurts. But take one day at a time, and don’t look back. The only way is to cut all contact and go cold turkey as if recovering from a drug-like addiction (which codependency in a way is). Life is too short to wait and hope that he will change. He won’t. Seize the day and start to live the life that you deserve and you won’t look back on with regret.
Thank you so much. I am struggling because I keep focusing on his “nice” parts. And he can be lovely. I know in my heart this is unhealthy as it’s how we disagree that is so toxic, and I am now afraid to voice any issues I might have. I’m going for job interviews and planning my exit. But I am so scared too!!
I have read some of the comments here and my first feeling is, I am not alone. What I have lived in the past 7 years has some similarities to some of the stories written here. I tried to answer the questions you listed, and some were a mix of a yes/no. The story is I met a man with 2 kids who was coming out of a nasty marriage. As he describes it, his marriage was full of deceit, lies and manipulation. During this time, I have seen her character, as we had to co parent his children. To sum things up, not only did she destroy our daily lives she also makes it her mission to destroy his relationship with his kids.
He was a very present father and did everything for his kids. Often it was him at home with them while she was out until late. I questioned this story until I saw with my own eyes how she left her 2 small children at home alone until sometimes 1 am. I met an already destroyed angry man who in my mind was not ready for someone new in his Iife, but there I was in this crazy “Bermuda triangle” where only we lived in.
When I met him aside from seeing a destroyed man, I saw and felt a warm kind man. I not only saw it in the way he treated me but also in the way he treated other people and living animals. Almost like a gentle giant or gentle lion. It wasn’t a man trying to convince me that he was kind and loving it was real gestures without effort.
I do have to admit that after big fights the gestures are ones of trying to get my forgiveness which I can differentiate.
Most of the anger is in response to his ex-wife and the weekly disruptions she causes involving his kids which she has the custody of. FYI she is a divorce lawyer.
My torment is how can this gentle lover who thinks of my needs, speaks well of me to others, and helpful be such a monster when he drinks?
It is this question I ask myself every time there is an explosion. It is also the reason why I forgave after. I have left one too many times and come back.
I also have seen how without alcohol it is possible to have a semi normal life together. There are still some bouts of anger, but it is so much more controlled and not directed at me as it is in the drinking mode. So why after months of not drinking and no huge arguments, they drink one night, and it ends in disaster again??
Can we ever have a normal relationship? I held on to this belief all these years hoping that once the kids are old enough and we don’t need to deal with her anymore things would be better. But will they? His personality is one that is passionate, stubborn, and very opiniated as is my character. Do I continue to take a chance? Can we live a normal life if he never drinks? Will he commit to that?
Conclusion, am I a fool, an empathetic saint, a naïve dreamer, or a proud stubborn person?
Signed,
hopelessly confused, drained and broken.