One of the scariest things for me, after leaving an abusive relationship, was dating again.
I knew my track record in love was bad. After all, my ex had almost killed me!
I’d ignored all the warning signs when I met him. I only saw what I wanted to see and denied the rest.
Look how that turned out!
So, I didn’t have huge faith in my instincts or my judgement. Dating after abuse, for me, was daunting.
But I was successful in love after that. I remarried. I am still with this gorgeous man now.
He brings out the best in me and I in him. And I am certain we are going to grow old together.
So, how did I not fall into the same trap?
How did I not go head first into the next abusive relationship? Like many people who’ve suffered abuse do.
Two things.
Low self-esteem
First, I knew I had to look deep into why my self-esteem was so low.
To understand why not all my emotional needs were met as a child. And to learn how to fill that void of vulnerability.
To nurture my inner child. Only once I built my self-esteem would I attract a man who would treat me as worthy.
The second thing was a revelation to me. I want to share this as I know there are many others for whom this might help.
Dating after abuse
I’m engaging with many victims and survivors of domestic abuse online. Many are dating after abuse and are like I once was, terrified of doing so.
Or, in the early stages of a new relationship. They’re unsure if they can trust their judgement and scared of another abusive relationship.
I know the feeling.
One woman started dating after abuse and posted some text messages from a guy she has recently met online.
In them, he calls her his ‘baby girl’ and his ‘princess’.
She feared, as she hardly knew him, that this might be a red flag.
Yes! Without question. This is a warning flag with bells on. Why? Because she hasn’t even met the guy yet!
Love bombing
Love-bombing is a typical narcissistic trait. They smother you with attention at first. Tell you that you’re the only one for them.
They promise you a wonderful life of marriage, babies and growing old together. All within weeks of meeting.
When we are lacking self-esteem and vulnerable, this is music to our ears. This fills that hole we feel inside.
[bctt tweet=”Narcissists spot our insecurities and are experts at soothing them with words they know we want to hear. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
My vulnerability was feeling not good enough. Unlovable.
So, he told me I was the love of his life. Better than anyone who had come before. The one he needed.
It sucked me straight in.
Once we’re drawn in deep enough, another side appears.
Now they need to bring us down a peg or two. They tell us:
You’re ugly, stupid. No-one else would want you
That we’re spoilt brats, sluts or bitches. Or we’re having affairs they’ve imagined in their heads.
They show you who they are
My ex revealed his true self early on with his actions. He showed me warning signs.
Whilst he told me he loved me one minute, he’d erupt in anger and disappear for days the next.
He’d suggest I wear different clothes, or that he didn’t like my friends. Get jealous if I even looked at another guy. But, I made excuses for his behaviour.
That’s because I was projecting onto him who I hoped and wanted him to be. Rather than seeing him for who he was.
The man he was revealing to me, but whom I was choosing to be blind to.
I was seeing only the things that confirmed my dream of a wonderful life with him. Denying those that were screaming at me that this relationship was no good for me.
I have a lot of mantras that I swear and live by. (I’ve created a whole new category for them on here).
Dating after a narcissist
If you’re dating after abuse, then this is the one you need:
Watch not what they say, but what they do.
Love is a verb not a noun. You show someone you love them by treating them as loveable. By treating them with respect.
And another mantra:
If it sounds to good to be true, it usually is.
Going back to those text messages. If we do watch what this person is saying here. Listen to his language.
My ‘baby girl’ can be beautiful in a loving relationship. My husband often says the same to me. But, in someone you’ve never met? Clang. Warning bell.
It sounds more possessive to me. The word ‘My’ hints at wanting ownership.
‘My Princess’ – again, in the right context, those words can be lovely. But before having even met?
Or even in the first few weeks of being with someone?
Narcissists put you on a pedestal
It reminds me of how narcissists put you up on a Madonna-like pedestal.
You are the one who is different to all the others (read: whores) who came before. You are special.
In the early days I was. I believed it too. But then I had to live up to that.
When he later cut me down and accused me of not being that perfect Madonna, I did all I could to prove I was worthy of his love.
To be that person again. If I could show him I was still that special one, then perhaps that was all he needed to change and I could fix things.
Don’t do as I do.
If you’re dating after abuse, don’t project onto someone else who you hope they’ll be in the future.
Or the dream you are imagining in your head.
See them for who they are now
[bctt tweet=”Dating after abuse? Dating after a narcissist? Watch not what they say, but what they do. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
The same is true for when you meet someone who is good for you, like I did with the man I am married to now.
At first I was so scared of my track record. I started seeing signs that weren’t there.
I was projecting onto him my fears that he was another abusive man. Not just sitting back and observing the man he was showing himself to be.
I pushed him away.
I was trying to end it before he left me, which I was convinced was going to happen. I am lucky he stuck around!
Once I started to let go. Once I stopped projecting onto him and watched not what he said but what he did. Then I saw he was a good man.
He showed me he cared for me. He didn’t smother me with possessiveness.
He treated me kindly. He didn’t swing from adoration to abuse.
His actions complemented his words. Both showed me respect and treated me as worthy, not worthless.
It is possible to break the cycle and find a healthy long-term relationship after an abusive one. Just don’t project onto them.
When dating after abuse, stay still and read the signs.
Watch what they do.
Listen to the language they use.
And if it is all too good, too full on, too fast. If their actions don’t match their words. Then for me, that’s a huge red flag.
I’d steer well away from that one.
Trust me, it’s better to walk away sooner, rather than later.
The further down the road you go with a narcissist, the harder it is to get away from them.
Are you back on the dating scene again? Seeing red flags? Let me know in the comments below.
I am back on the dating scene but with the same guy who I kicked out of my life 3 years ago for unacceptable behavior. I felt that I even needed an order of protection to feel safe. He has since gotten sober and cleaned up his life and started a company and made amends with his children. It’s amazing how fruitful his life is. We’ve been seeing each other now for 6 months. There are still signs that indicate he has some addictive traits (over spending, over planning, over working) but they all seem just part of his personality. He sees a shrink for medication and goes to AA. So why can’t Iet my guard down? I feel like will go on to live a successful life but I also feel that we are an addictive combination. I change my mind about him every other day!
Quite often people who are abusive also have addictions to alcohol and/or drugs. It is not the cause of the abuse, but they can go hand in hand. I can imagine you will be on guard, as even sober the addiction remains and it can often transfer to something else, as you say. Let go of trying to control them and focus on you. Remember to put your needs and wellbeing first (this is not selfish, because if we can be the best we can be then we are the best for another person and the relationship). Your self-esteem is paramount. Just trust your gut and heed any warning signs and don’t deny them. And then try to relax in the knowledge that if it’s meant to be it will be and enjoy it if it is working for you and bringing out the best in you. If you self-esteem is high then you’ll be okay. Because if you find it’s not good enough for you and your wellbeing, then you’ll have the strength to say this isn’t good enough for me.
I am so con-fn-fused. I was beat all winter with every abuse but physical, as even tho we were split, we cudnt move apart. So he just continued the abuse, altho escalated. I left emotionally in July, moved into the kids rm in Oct.
After getting my head back together, in Feb, I met someone. Took it very slow, took a break for awhile of a few wks even, back in March. This guys sweet, spent money on me, did not push me in any way physically, didnt attempt seducing me, wasnt saying ILY like a stupid crazy person, etc. We talked ALOT mostly. Went on dates but mostly talked n talked.
When I had a free nite, I would ask him to meet up with me N He Would.
We got somewhat sexual, mostly just heavy kissing.
The past few weeks tho, hes backed way off. Never available (he wks third shift, cares for his crazy dad n crippled mom, has bad insomnia). When we do meet up, hes all ily, ily. I want a relationship with you, yes. Affectionate.
He used to txt me that he missed me. No more.
No more gm txts.
No more im thinking of you txts.
Doesnt keep his word. Japped out on me Wed nite, which is the only nite i have a sitter n he well knows. P.r.o.m.i.s.e.d. to see me Thurs, japped out again. Flipped out when i tried to rationally talk with him. I think hes ignoring me??
Um yes, you ARE. I dont think it.
Today he was actually gonna come see me before wk tonite. Its too late to go do anything before he has to go cuz he once again, didnt go to bed n has to sleep some before wk. It would just be a make out session, sick of that. I told him Im busy today n wont be back till too late.
We’re supposed to go to a park tmrw with my kids.
I know he wont show. He ll jap out again. I truly know this.
Is even this guy a narc? Somehow I missed it again??
In case ur wondering, we havent been intimate yet becuz of a couple reasons, hes not punishing me for no sex.
I wonder if hes married. No shyt. Even tho I know damn well hes not. He ACTS like it now tho.
I hate men.
I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through Jamilla. I think the most important thing is to watch what they do… If there is a big disconnect between what they say and do it is a big red flag for me. So, if they say ILY yet constantly avoid you etc. then that to me is a warning sign. Your confusion is because what he is saying is not aligned with what he is doing.
Please put yourself first. You and your wellbeing are what matters most. Ask yourself: is this behaviour good enough for me? Is he treating me with kindness and respect? Is this relationship bringing out the best in me? Set healthy boundaries. And if he breaks them, then question whether it is a healthy relationship. One that will give you long-term happiness.
When I was 18, I married an abuser (he was 30). We were only together a year and a half, but we have a child, so his controlling and threatening behaviors followed me until she turned 18 a few months ago. I remarried at 24 for the wrong reasons (my child was diagnosed with a serious illness and I wanted to be able to stay home with her. Husband #2 was abuser light, as I like to call it. His abuse was far more insidious because everyone liked him, so it felt like I was the crazy one. Anyway, after 10 years of marriage I walked away. I also spent time in domestic violence counseling, reading books, educating myself, etc. I dated a few men that just didn’t really work out, no big drama, just not a good match. Then I met my current boyfriend. I had no idea such closeness and healthy communication existed. It’s been a true revelation. However, there are things he does that remind me of my first husband and I can’t get away from it. We’ve been together 2 years, we’ve spoken openly about it, and it has decreased in frequency a lot. Most other men don’t remind me of him at all, but because of the way they’re both very sensitive (the ex used it to play the victim and manipulate me, my new boyfriend shares his feelings and we work through it), I am really struggling. We’re taking a break right now because I can’t get it under control. We’ve done a few counseling sessions and definitely need more, but sometimes I truly wonder if I shouldn’t cut my losses and find someone who doesn’t trigger this reaction in me. Thoughts?
Hi Kate, I am so sorry you are struggling and that you’ve experienced abuse in your relationships. But you should be proud of yourself for the courage and strength you found to say it wasn’t good enough. That is a really big first step. Yes, healthy communication and closeness do exist, I felt the same as you when I found it the first time. It’s incredible. I think the reason you are struggling is that you are focussing on him and his behaviour and how it makes you feel. And on the relationship itself and not where you need to be. Which is on you. I have a series of online video courses that I call START WITH ME for this reason. For us to understand it we are in a healthy relationship or not. Why we attract those who hurt us, or dysfunctional relationships in the first place. How not to have our happiness depend on others, we have to really look at ourselves. Why we have low self-esteem (because when we do we attract those who treat us as worthless or go into dysfunctional relationships), where it comes from in our childhoods and how it manifests in our relationships. It’s a complex process and it took me years of working on me, which then allowed me to have a healthy relationship. I suggest that you need to start with you, irrespective of any relationship. I’m not trying to do a sell job on you, but I do think my courses will help you as I walk you through step by step how I changed my mindset from victim to survivor and then went on from survivor to staying strong. The first one (Victim to Survivor) really helps you understand if the relationship you are in is a healthy one or not. The second one (Survivor to Staying strong – which I am launching soon) digs deep into why we go into these types of relationships and why it’s so painful to leave them. How to break the cycle and not repeat the negative patterns, that impact on us having healthy relationships. And why we still struggle and find it hard in new relationships that are healthier. If you want to find out more, this is the Victim to Survivor course – https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/start-victim-survivor/ If you’d like to join the waiting list then you will automatically here more about the second course, when it comes out. If not, keep reading through more of my posts and watch my videos as I go into this in various ones of these as well. I hope that helps. (Sorry, it’s quite a complex answer, so I’m not sure if I’ve been able to make it make sense when simplifying it).
Hi I was in an abusive relationship with for three and a half years, he was emotionally abusive and physical a couple of times. I took the necessary time to heal and also to seek counselling. Unfortunately the aftermath of this relationship was horrific and caused major tension with one brother and my grown son. They held a lot of anger with me over staying in this relationship.
Recently I met a mutual friend and we started dating. We got on well had a lot in common and he was very attentive. He was keen, always texting and wanting to met and treated me well. He knew my ex I felt I could trust him and I told him on the second and third date just a brief outline of the stuff that went on. Needless to say he finished it saying that I was not ready for a relationship and that he was not ready to hear these things. He said he also was not ready for this himself and he did not need the pressure of making me happy.
Now I really liked him, he made me laugh and I felt comfortable in myself but I always had this fear of been hurt. I am ready for a relationship but I know I should not have to explain my past. I have decided to go back to counselling after this because it threw me for six and it knocked my confidence a lot.
Did I make a mistake confiding in him? Was it too soon? could we have gone on if i had left these details out. But another voice in my head keeps saying if he was a strong person he should have been able to deal with it and accept this is the person i was. I was perfectly happy before I met him, I was in a good place and I felt good about myself. I know my happiness is down to me not him. I just feel that my judgement and trusting nature let me down and I should have known better than to divulge this information.
Hi Julia, please do not blame yourself for his reaction. We are not responsible for other people’s behaviour. The voice in your head is correct. A strong and healthy person should be able to deal with this and accept you for who you are. Trust your instincts at all times, that is what that voice in your head is. Try not to analyse it in the form of ‘if I did this differently, then he would have reacted differently’… we should not change who we are or our behaviour to try and keep another person happy. I am so glad that you were in a good place and able to be happy within yourself. And that you’ve gone back to counselling to get that confidence back. That is the most important thing… to focus on you and your wellbeing, not on someone else. Once you are strong in yourself and have good self esteem, the rest follows. It will come. You will find someone you can trust in the future, I am sure of it. You are taking the right steps.
It’s been six months since I left my ex. We were in a lesbian relationship. She was emotionally and physically abusive, at one point she tried to kill me. I lied and covered it all up. I’m seeing a therapist now but I still haven’t been able to tell my family and only a select friends. I kept going back to the relationship, even though she abused me and my daughter, and even begged at one point, seeing her happy online with a new job with an ex girlfriend. I felt ashamed of myself for reacting and going back when I was moving on. My ex has threatened me not to tell anyone what she did to me. Today I saw her in the village I live with another woman. I felt safe here that she would have no reason to come to the village but she has. I’m terrified and can’t move on
I’m so sorry Steph to hear your story. As you say, domestic abuse crosses all lines – gender, religion, sexuality etc. I am glad to hear you are seeing a therapist and hope he/she are helping you. Please don’t feel ashamed. You are not to blame for this. No one deserves abuse. But I know how hard it is too. Having someone you love almost kill you is such a shock and it takes time to process and recover. I don’t believe cover things up are is necessarily the way to go. Particularly if she starts stalking you. If this escalates I would report it. Record all dates and times etc. Even photograph it. Stalking needs to be taken seriously. No one should live in fear like that. If she does keep turning up to intimidate you, you can also speak to the Paladin National Staling Advocacy Service. They are brilliant at helping those affected. I have their number listed on my DV resources page of this blog. It was set up by a woman who has been instrumental in changing the laws in the UK to make emotional abuse or coercive control deemed a crime. Surround yourself with family and friends who love you and validate your self esteem. Stay safe x
Hi Steph. Your story is a carbon copy of mine. Are you sure we weren’t with the same woman? lol. I saw the red flags right from the beginning of our 16 month relationship but ignored them. We were so on again / off again it made my head spin. In between on rare moments she was beautiful, kind, tender. I excused most of her bad behaviour because she was severly abused as a child which created depression among other things.3 weeks ago she cracked and tried to kill me. It is so horrific, so hurtful. I believe she will try and find me. I have gone complete No Contact but she got hold of my new number [ changed it twice ] and came to where I’m staying but didn’t see me. I was a complete wreck for 2 weeks then this last week I began self therapy to heal the hurt inside me and to sort out why I allowed myself to put up with so much abuse. Look after you first. Sit down and remember the things you used to like before you became an extension of your ex. Hang with good people but make YOU your own best friend. I know it’s hard babe but don’t continue to let her affect your life. You are better than that. Good luck with everything. Try not to be afraid. You are free, she is a slave to her own lack of personality and empathy x
That’s so beautifully said Mich. It’s so good to hear you broke free of this toxic relationship and recognise the only way to heal is to focus on you, heal inside and learn to love yourself. This is also the only way to break the cycle, not go back to them or into another abusive relationship.
Vivian,
I got out of an abusive relationship earlier this year back in May. It was hard. Aside from it being long distance, it weighed very heavily on top of the abuse. I was physically, mentally, and sometimes sexually abused by my partner. It feels like he never left. Like he won. I still struggle with memories of how amazing it was in the beginning and slowly started to get worse later on in the relationship. I wonder, how can someone that has hurt someone so bad, be able to move on without any guilt or resentment? My ex was divorced, unhappy with himself, insecure, jealous, and very controlling. Every through miles away, he still had a way to keep me from seeing friends, family, and miss out on events. I sometimes hate myself for never leaving earlier. I wanted to give it a chance in hopes that he would change, as he said he would. But it just got progressively worse. He was much older than I was, 6 years to be exact. Had plans to get married and have kids, but I didn’t want to be with someone that I was scared to be around because that’s not love.
I left him and moved on. I’m seeing somebody new and he is amazing. I haven’t felt butterflies in a long time and lives within my city instead long distance. I still have reoccurring thoughts of my past because it hurts and I want to heal. I have trust issues because my ex made me nuts and insecure. However, this man is someone I want to hold on to and see what comes out of it. I just don’t want to reciprocate old behavior from my past because of what my ex did. I’m worried because I don’t want to scare him away. He’s aware of what I went through. I just want to be happy.
Hi Cindy, sorry to hear what you have been through. The most important thing is you recognise that this is not love. It is about control. They can move on like that, usually with a new ‘supply’ – the next person whom they can control and abuse. As awful as that means a new victim, be thankful it is no longer you. I am so happy you have found someone who sounds like they may be good for you instead. Just take one day at a time, trust your instincts and as long as what he does aligns with what he says you’ll be okay. I tried to push my new partner away as emotional availability scared me. So, I know how scary it is at first. But little by little, with my wellbeing at the forefront, I was able to trust again and build a lasting, loving relationship. It is possible. Just be you. Don’t modify your behaviour to anticipate him and his reactions. If he accepts you the way you are, with your past and all, then that’s great. A healthy man won’t be scared by that. But, if you start to see the red flags, don’t ignore them. You deserve to be happy and will be if you put you first and trust your gut always.
I have been in a relationship, it was LDR, so not physically abuse but emotionally. Always took me for granted, not appreciating my efforts. Even didnt show any efforts towards our relationship. I just walked away without saying anything
Good on you for knowing you deserve better and walking away!
Hello Vivian, I have not long come out of an “abusive relationship” we have a young daughter together too , I keep going through phases of feeling it never happened like I’m the one that caused it all to thinking I’m making it all up in my head to thinking it’s real,
We were together 2 years..I should of noticed really when we found out I was pregnant he was quick to try and get me to move where he lived give up my flat leave my family behind .. missed that sign , like an idiot .
But I noticed when I moved over to where he was from things changed,
Like hed totally switch emotions , one minute he’d be cuddling kissing me looking after me and next he’d be totally ignoring me or talking to me like I mean nothing , me f try talk to him and he’d punch walls and get shouty,
It got worse after I had my daughter , he started losing it more , didn’t like me sitting with my freinds , kept saying they were lying to me they were fake my mum didn’t care that’s why she was happy I moved away, I said something he didn’t like he’d say “if you don’t fucking shut up! I’m gonna flip” then he’d try kick me out of out house with our daughter – “I’m not fucking going it’s ook r homeyou can’t get rid of me , it would get to the point where I’d have to leave because he’d start smashing my daughters stuff up throwing her bag at me with her in my arms , it got so bad on 3 occasions, 1) where he was belittling me to our daughter calling me pathetic I was good at the door and I told him he can’t say things like that to her , he said oh fuck off” and slammed my arm in the door and mimicked my actions , 2nd left my daughter with my freind had to go get some things for her , he ended up getting right in my face put his arms on my shoulders screamed in my face , shoved me and started smashing everything up . I don’t see what went so wrong ? What did I do ?
3rd one- is got up one morning and my next door neighbour (close freind) asked me if I wanted to go out , I felt like I had to always ask him if I could go see my freinds( but at the time I thought it was normal) so he said yeah whatever but As soon as I went he locked me out of my flat went out and because he had seen my freinds male freind he instantly accused me of doing something with him, I ended up staying with my freind because the texts were coming thick and fast and I didn’t. Want to go back to it , I asked him to leave the next day , he said can he say good bye to my daughter I said yes just not in the house cos I don’t wanna argue , next min I know his mums ringing me saying can she see her o took my daughter down she instantly took her out of the car seat with out permission , wouldn’t let me touch her hold her, his mum or him , he was going to take her he tried to take my baby girl , paraded me in the street begging for my baby, trying to grab me and screaming st me when I finally got her out of the car,
My anxiety is so high now ,
Still feel like I caused it all ,
Still feel icolated,
Depressed,
Can’t sleep
Keep replaying and zoning out to memories of things that have happened mainly to do with him trying to take my angel ,
I now live in a refuge .
Stupid thing is I miss him and feel like he’s the only person that understands me yet I’m petrified too .
Just feel like all I do is let my daughter and everyone down . What do I do ?
Feel totally drained .
Hope I get a response but I doubt it ,
Thanks
. S .
I’m sorry to hear what you have been through Susie. The first thing is you are NOT to blame for any of his behaviour. We are not responsible for other people’s actions and behaviour, only they are. Nothing you said or did differently would have changed him either. His actions are abusive and he alone is responsible for that.
This is the most difficult time, when we first leave an abusive relationship. What you are going through is like withdrawing from an addictive drug. You will feel anxiety, depression, anger, loneliness and all number of emotions that have been suppressed for so long. Especially as you’ve numbed yourself for so long to survive. It is a painful and confusing time.
What happens in these relationships is we develop what is known as a codependency on them. That one minute having them being loving towards us, the next seeing their abusive side, starts to wear our self-esteem down. We get to the point where the only person who can make us feel good about ourselves is the same person who is hurting us, which is what you describe.
I am so glad you out of this relationship. No one deserves violence or emotional abuse. It is not a healthy relationship and it is no good for you or your wellbeing. The most important thing now is for you not to play over all the tapes in your head as to what he said or did, or what you might have done differently. You need to take your focus off him and your relationship and put it where it belongs, which is on YOU.
You also need emotional support and help to get through this difficult time, not just physical refuge. I urge you to contact one of the FREE domestic violence helplines I have listed here:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
They will be able to point you to the right counselling or support group. You can’t do this alone. I did this and it was invaluable to me.
These posts might also help you to understand his behaviour and codependency:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/why-we-keep-going-back-to-abusive-relationships/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/coping-with-the-painful-withdrawal-from-an-abusive-relationship/
Please get help and support and take one day at a time. Stay strong.
Thank you so much for posting this.. I have broken up with a guy and lately I began to wonder if he was emotionally abusive but I brushed it off because didn’t want to believe it. After reading this, I realize he did exactly the things you described.. told me to wear different clothes, didn’t like my friends, called me names that made me feel awful, and imagined affairs I was having. Thank you for helping me realize this and now I can avoid getting into another relationship like this by watching for early warning signs.
Ian so glad it is helpful to you. The red flags are all there. We just have to be still and observe them. Also trust your gut instincts. They are there for a reason. I am happy you are part of my Unbeatable community. I also have closed Facebook support group you can join if you like. There are others in there who have been through what you have all supporting each other. Stay strong. You deserve better.
So, I just left a very emotionally abusive marriage with a personality disordered person and addict. I recently went on a date with a former old friend and felt hyper aware of what she was saying. She’s really fun to be around but made a few remarks about me being the “most girly man” and laughed jokingly. She also made a few small comments about my appearance. It felt and appeared to be jokingly and she later got close and said I was “extremely handsome” and she really wants to get to know me. These signs seem similar to my ex but idk…
She explained that she usually dedicated into relationships and lives spending a lot of time together and staying connected. I mean, I’m okay with this cause I’d rather that then “I’ll talk to you next week” kind of stuff, but I feel very unedge. Her demeanor was to cuddle, be affectionate, and very passionate but those words made me feel triggered…should I just better explain my history with her and attempt to get a better understanding?
I would absolutely trust your gut instincts and that feeling of being triggered. Our instincts are there to give us warnings. We need to always heed them. If you know her well and feel comfortable enough to share your past relationship with her, then you could possibly do that. But make sure if you do so, you set clear boundaries as to what is acceptable to you or not. If there is any sense she uses this knowledge against you or her actions are not aligned with what she says, then ask yourself is this person good for you and your wellbeing? Perhaps consider some time alone too. Sometimes rushing from one relationship to the next without time to focus on ourselves and healing leads us to repeat the same negative patterns. Focus on you, build your self esteem and date only when you feel strong in your sense of self worth and are able to maintain strong boundaries. I hope that helps?
How did you move past the pushing your now-husband away, creating dramas, and projecting fears onto him? I am noticing my fears and traumas are leading me to act very oddly in a new romance, and I am worried I have destroyed what could be a great relationship based on this. It sounds like you went through something similar… I am just wondering what helped you move through it… Thank you for this post!
It took time. I continued to go to a support group for a number of years, even after I met him. This was to help keep my focus on working on myself and to get support from others who’d been through what I had and were further along than me (we didn’t have the internet then). I read self-help books. But the most important thing I learnt was to watch not what he said, but what he did. He was kind, loving. He didn’t just say nice things, but do them. I started to realise that if what they do and say are aligned, then you can trust they’re okay. Narcissistic types say wonderful things, but do the opposite. I also learnt to let go and not try to control. It’s hard to do and it makes you fearful. You can’t control another person or anything around you. Let go, work on yourself – so that you can be the best you can be (after all, then you’ll be better for anyone else or a relationship) and trust that if it’s meant to be it will be. Yes, they might leave you, but there’s nothing you can do about that either. Just be still, watch what they do, and trust it will be okay. If you’re still and not trying to create drama or control, you’re more likely to see the warning signs. If you see them, then walk away. Sounds simple, I know. But it’s true and it gets easier and easier. Time is your best friend.
Interestingly what I thought was me creating dramas and pushing him away was actually my instincts yelling at me that he was not healthy for me. He followed the pattern of idealize, devalue, discard, and he alternated between very loving words and actions and very hurtful ones. The longer I stayed with him (and overrode my upset feelings and misgivings as related to projections or trauma), the meaner he got until he was an outright bully. It was hard because I thought I was only projecting past trauma and I was at fault. I also felt at fault for a past abusive relationship, as if I’d have never experienced abuse if I had said or done something different. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism to try to fix something in me to make sense of the seemingly senseless cruel treatment. I appreciate your advice and will be extra vigilant to honor that instinct inside as I continue dating…
That is so great to hear that your instincts are still working to protect you. Make sure you watch and observe for red flags and warning signs and when your gut churns, listen to them. Stay strong.
I was in a relationship three years ago when I had just turned 17 with a boy who was four years older than me. Age never really meant much to me back then (I live in a very loving home with very loving parents – I have a big brother but he lives upstate) since, in the beginning, it was a very sweet and innocent romance. However, it didn’t take long for things to turn sour. To this day, I still kind of put the blame of what happened onto myself. I still think what happened is my own fault and what I’m going through now is my own doing…
It all started with us hardly seeing each other. I always tried to make an effort to spend time together, but he never put in as much of an effort to try himself. We lived far apart, you see, so meeting up was always difficult, but that also made the days we COULD see each other more special in the beginning in my eye. That’s how I had always thought couples went about things – wanting to be together and spending as much time together as possible. Well, apparently, he did not feel the same way.
It always seemed like he had some kind of excuse to not come see me or cancel our dates. It was ALWAYS something. I thought, at the time, well…at least we talk everyday…Yeah. Talk. “Talk” is a stretch, when I use it in this context. We texted and such, yes, but his messages always consisted of very short, curt replies of “yeah” “okay” “love you too” after we got together. Prior to us becoming a couple, we had had lots of lengthy messages and enthrawling conversations, but it all died after we got together. Granted, he texted everybody like that – with curt, short replies – but still. The only times he DID write more were when the messages were explicit in a sexual nature.
Now comes when things got really bad…I was young. I had gotten together with him right after my birthday, so I was hardly even 17. I had no idea what the hell I was getting into, really, but it was a relationship – my first one – and I was excited to do all these new things with a person who “cared” for me. On one of the few times we met up, he groped me during a kiss. I didn’t know what to do, I panicked. I had tried to push his hand away, but admittedly…I am really submissive, so he just kind of took my apprehension as bashful enjoyment, I guess? And had gotten cocky about it and just kept on, so…I kinda just let him, thinking that was how relationships functioned.
Please, keep in mind, I am Christian and I believe in personally waiting until marriage to have sex. I want to wait for the man God has planned for me to meet before doing something so intimate and special with someone, and this is something I had told the boy I was with from the very start of our relationship. I warned him that I was not going to sleep with him because of my beliefs, and at the start, he was okay with that, from what he told me.
Anyway, after that happened, things just got worse and worse by the day. The only thing that really seemed to matter to him in our relationship was this sudden sensual air it had gained after that day he touched me. I didn’t know how to turn things around, and admittedly, the sensual air was also a bit exciting whenever things were good and happy between us. I remained firm that I would not sleep with him, but the sensual air remained. However, it was suffocating how prominent it was in the relationship. The only time he would bother to speak to me extensively was when it was something sexual in nature. Admittedly, I was blinded by the idea of love. I know now, with my age, that what I felt for him was not love. What I loved then was the idea of being in love. Because of that, I was blinded and always made up some excuse in my head for his behavior and just sort of played along with the conversations. Sometimes, honestly, I would even initiate them because it was the only way I could get him to actually talk and say more than just “yeah” and “okay”.
When it came to meeting in person, however, I just wanted affection. I always have, still do and always will crave and desperately require affection. I need lots of attention and care to make happy in a relationship, because to me, family, friends and loved ones are EXTREMELY important. My dream is to have a loving, nurturing family when I am ready, and I need someone who will love me as much as I love them to do this. So, naturally, whenever we met in person, I just wanted to spend time together. Yes, I admit, we had some kisses here and there that were a little more heated than need be, but overall, I just wanted to be loved and paid attention by him. However, once again, all he really raged on was lust.
It never got to the worst extreme, thank God, for I was never raped or anything, but he did try to do other things over clothes to me and forced me to do things over clothes as well that I just was…blatantly not okay with. I have always been submissive, now more so than ever, but even back then I had asked him to stop when things got too scary to me with the physical stuff to continue, but…he never really listened and never stopped until something interrupted us. Still, even then, I tried to make excuses for him. He never loved me, he only cared about the sexual side of the relationship, but I still wanted to believe things weren’t broken despite them obviously never even having been whole to begin with.
I tried with all my heart to make the relationship work. I had been set in my mind that things would get better, that we would be happy, and hopefully our relationship would last many, many years. I wanted more than just the physical, but he clearly did not. In the end, he was the one who left me – how ironic is that? He left me through text message, telling me that “everything had been a lie from day one”.
To this day, I still get triggered flashbacks of the things that happened. The sound of zippers, certain words and phrases, certain actions, certain kinds of touches…they all bring back memories. I have gotten W A Y better over the years and am in a much better and happier place emotionally speaking as of now, though – it used to be much worse. Today, I am happy. Today, I don’t feel ghost fingers on me anymore. Today, I am able to feel comfortable alone. Today, I can actually face my past instead of cowering away from it and trying to make my mind block it out all together. Earlier this year, I told my mother and brother about what happened. My father still doesn’t know and I don’t really want him to ever know, not because I do not trust him or do not think he would understand, but because I just…I don’t think I can sit there and recount everything that happened to him and be able to handle it myself. However, it was good to finally talk to them about it. I was able open up that bottle I had kept hidden inside for so, so long. I had discussed what happened with friends in the past, yes, but the relief I felt confiding in my family was far greater than that of just my friends.
So, I was able to make it through, yes, but it IS still there and I think it always will be. I still blame myself for it, because it feels like I was just the enabler. If I had just said something and listened to the voice in my head that told me what was happening was wrong, maybe none of it would have happened. As much as I had healed today, I am still terrified of trusting a man again with my heart, body and soul.
I really want to. I really, really do. I KNOW not all men are the same. I KNOW good men exist and they are out there, searching for good women, too, but…I’m just so scared. I am so damn terrified what happened once is going to happen all over again – and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to be taken advantage of and disregarded…I want to be loved and cherished, but sometimes, it really doesn’t feel like I am worth it and like anybody would really give much of a damn to be with me in a serious, committed relationship.
There was this guy who had been real sweet to me last year during Christmas time. We had met and had an instant connection, and the conversations we had were wonderful, enthrawling, genuine and real. I felt, for a while, maybe it was finally my chance to try again…! He had asked me out in a sheepish way, and when I said yes, he got so excited! It was adorable! But when our date night came, something happened with work and he was unable to go, so we rescheduled for the following week. No biggie. Life happens! This was okay to me, because even so, he still kept up with me and tried to talk to me…That is, until Christmas came around. Our date was before Christmas, so I kinda expected it would not work out that day, but I kinda gave him my own test.
That day, I didn’t message him. I didn’t ask if anything was happening, because I wanted to see if he cared enough to do so himself since the last time it was something we both worked towards together. Turns out, he didn’t and the day passed without a peep. I got fed up and decided to give the silent treatment as well and still I heard no peep from him even up to New Years Eve. Well, when the clock struck 12, I decided to try again and give him a last chance.
I sent him a message for the new year and awaited a response…but nothing. Nothing ever came, so I just kinda…let it go. For six months, he had gone AWOL and I just kind of continued with my life. I assumed he lost interest or found someone better, and thankfully, I had not gotten too emotionally attached, so I was okay. I was happy continuing my life, but then this passed summer, right on out of the blue, he messages me again. Six. Months. Later. There was a sudden spike in interest, he found me on my social media and messaged me through there as well, but I just sort of ignored him.
I felt guilty for it, but it felt…odd. Why would he disappear for six months when we were hitting it off at the start just to pop up out of nowhere again and not even address why he left to begin with in his message? It felt strange and scary – awfully familiar to my past, so I hardcore ignored. I ignored while on my end, I had panic attacks thanks to my mind coming up with elaborate, ridiculous conclusions of what could be possibly going on.
I guess, with all that rambling, all I’m trying to say is…I admit I have no idea how to start over again. I want to, I so desperately want to, but I’m still scared. I want to find someone who will love me as much as I love them, I don’t want to be alone forever, I’m sick of being alone, but the possibilities scare me away from anybody who may genuinely try with me. I feel I’ve become cold and distant in the dating and love game just to save my heart the aching, but I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to meet someone who will be able to find out who I am deep down in my core and love me for it. I don’t know where to begin…I wish this were easier to cope with. I keep telling myself I am still young, I am only 20 years old, but the nagging fear of eternal loneliness continues to pester…
Please, do you have any advice on how to make an aching, affection-deprived heart comfortable with being alone for a while until the good one comes?
Dear Brielle, I’m sorry to hear your story and what you’ve been through. You are so young and you will be okay. You will find love and it can be a healthy relationship. But first, the most important thing is for you to focus on you, more than looking for a relationship right now. You need to heal and work on you.
There’s a lot in this that I’d like to address, so hopefully I can do so clearly. Firstly, you are not to blame for any abuse, be it emotional, verbal, physical or sexual (which is what you went through). I believe you may be suffering some PTSD or Post traumatic stress disorder, as a result of this too. I urge you to consider seeking help in understanding this relationship via a confidential counsellor or support group. I have listed free, anonymous helplines that can help refer you to the right person or place here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
You describe him in the beginning as cancelling dates, not showing much interest. He was showing you the sort of warning sign that he was not going to be there for you, possibly not even that interested and definitely not someone who would care for you and your emotional needs. But you made excuses for this. You were too also too afraid to say no when he pushed healthy boundaries and behaved unacceptably towards you sexually. He used you for sex. It is true we can be blinded by love. As you yourself say, you were confusing sex for love. The good thing is you know now that what you felt was not love. This relationship was not healthy.
Again, I am not saying any of this to blame you, but to try to explain. All of what I have just described above suggests to me that you have a low sense of self-esteem and self-worth. You say you ‘just wanted affection’. You ‘crave and desperately require attention’. So much so that you tried to make a broken relationship work. When he wasn’t giving it to you, you craved him more. That was the driving factor, even when he was no good to you and sexually abused you. This is what is known as codependent behaviour. When we become addicted to someone who is emotionally unavailable to us. Even though they hurt us, we need them to make us feel good about ourselves. Particularly, after they’ve hurt us.
I’m glad that you see this is not a healthy form of relationship or what love is. That is the first important step. But what appears to be happening now is that when you meet someone new, you are focussing all of your attention on them. Rather than you. In fact, your entire happiness depends on them and how they behave towards you. It doesn’t come from within you.
You are also trying to control the situation – by testing them, as you say. You are projecting onto them what you hope and believe they should be, rather than letting go and allowing them to be who they are. If they don’t respond or react how you think they should, then all your fears come to the surface. What is driving this, is that same desperate craving for attention and affection. You need them to make you feel happy, good about yourself, loved and wanted.
I would suggest you take your focus off them. We can’t control anyone or anything else around us. In fact, if you try to control a healthy person who has a good sense of self-worth, you might end up pushing them away. Instead, try to understand why you have a low sense of self-esteem, which I believe is the reason for this craving for affection. If we have a high self of self-worth and sense of self-esteem, then we will be more likely to be able to let go. We won’t need to control anyone who comes into our life. We will focus on our needs and well being, take responsibility for our actions and behaviour. And let others be who they are, responsible for their own behaviour and actions as well.
It takes time. But it’s important to love yourself first. Only then can you love someone else in a healthy way. Only then can we allow them to love us in a healthy way as well. So take time and get support to learn how to do this. Read books on self-love and how to build your self-esteem. Once your self of self-worth is strong, you’ll be able to let go. When you start dating again you’ll be able to be still, not projecting onto them, or needy and craving them to fulfil your needs. You’ll be able to set healthy boundaries if they start showing warning signs they are not good for you. To say no if they push through them and walk away. If they don’t love you, you’ll be fine too. You’ll know it wasn’t meant to be. You are enough with or without a man. You’ll know when the right one comes your way, but be fine alone too. I hope this all helps?
I just want to say that your forums has helped me tremendously!
My daughters father was very abusive to me as well, and I was with him for a year and three months. In the beginning he did show signs but I just wanted it to be something else. The emotional abuse happened in the beginning-calling me names etc. also claiming to not like my friends and on top not like my “lifestyle” it got worse when I was pregnant he was slapping me in my face, however it wasn’t bad to him because it’s not like he did it everyday as he would say. Before my baby shower he would repeatedly slap me until my eye was black…he was crying so I did feel like he cared….however when my daughter was born I could see the cycle repeat as he would downplay everything I felt making it seem like I exaggerated.
The aftermath of it all is me trying to ease the pain because I know for a fact he has moved on and it hurts because all I can think about is “you are treating her better…” While I was left with the abuse…my brain goes back and forth on how he will be different with a different mate…he would always say I wasn’t Latin enough ( I’m black) and his women is now Latin…it hurts and on top saying I should date my own kind….he messed me up so mentally that I’m trying to get right for my daughter and to embrace myself again to not put myself in a box that he wanted to create for me.
I will love if you respond but if not for whoever is reading this you are not alone!!!
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement, Naomi89, this is why I keep writing. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and what you describe is that classic abusive cycle, including how we downplay it, feel more sorry for them than the pain they cause us etc. I know it hurts when we believe they have moved on and are treating the next person better. Firstly, I’d say, thank God it’s not you anymore. What he was showing you was not love, but control and abuse. You deserve better. Secondly, I’m not as convinced as you are that the pattern won’t be repeating with the next girl he is with. Abusers don’t tend to do this randomly and with just one person, it is a pattern of behaviour that repeats. It might help for you to read this as your fear of this is not just yours alone: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/why-i-want-my-ex-to-abuse-his-new-girlfriend/
I would urge you to focus on your healing, rather than still focussing on him. You need to put you first now. Whilst you are putting all your energy into fixating on his new relationship, you are wasting the energy that you could be using to build your self-esteem and sense of self worth. That will teach your daughter what a great role model you are as a mother. Self-love is the greatest thing we can learn and teach our children, in my opinion. Everything else follows from there – how to set healthy boundaries, say no when we see warning signs early on and walk away if someone treats us badly and so on. You don’t have to do this alone. There are many support groups out there and free anonymous helplines. They can point you in the right direction. You can find them here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I also have an Unbeatable FB Group you can join where there are others who have been through, or going through what you have and can offer their experiences, wisdom and support. You can find us here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038 Stay strong and thanks for writing to me x
Hey Vivian, I just found your page and thank you for doing such an awesome job! I am a bit sad tonight as I just started a potential relationship with a new guy and he has ended it because I divulged about my abusive ex (i have a non molestation order against him due to his verbally abusive behaviour) and asked that I call him a different name in front of my daughter so that it wouldnt get back to my ex. I just wanted to be honest with him but despite a real connection between us, he said he can’t handle the risk to himself if said ex threatens him etc so he wants to finish things. I am a bit devastated- I hadnt even decided if this new guy was ‘the one’ for me and it feels sucky to be rejected like this and triggers all kinds of feelings of low self worth. It also makes me super angry with my ex for making me ‘damaged goods’ and scared for how I will fare in the future. I’m 43. I feel like time is running out for me to find someone decent. Maybe this guy just wasn’t really right for me though? It worries me that I am totally overlooking potential red flags about him, such as the fact he was contacting me contantly and seemed really keen (up until tonight that is!!!) and would rather focus on this being about me not being worthy.
I would love some insight from you, however brief. This site definitely resonates with me!
Thanks, C
Hi Chandra, thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated. Sorry to hear you are sad and feel rejected. My advice would be to let go. If it’s meant to be it will be, if not, it won’t. We can’t control anyone else but ourselves, so the best thing to do is keep focussing on your self-worth and finding ways to build that up. This will allow you to maintain healthy boundaries and be able to not only see warning signs, but say no, if someone crashes through them. You say yourself you may have seen some red flags with this guy. Trust your instincts. Perhaps this wasn’t meant to be? It is not to late for you. It’s never too late. Surround yourself with friends you trust and love you. Look after yourself first and it will come. x
Hi Vivian, I have spent hours online researching narcissist and personality disorders trying to find answers to 3 1/2 years of an emotional roller coaster ride. Was it me? Did I not give him enough? Was I not understanding enough? He sucked me in with wonderful, sweet and loving words. He put me at the top of his priority list. He made me feel beautiful, special, and of course the love of his life. We had so much fun together, each day was a new adventure, and of course he wanted to marry me sooner rather than later. He was so passionate, affectionate, and attentive. Making sure each need was met, from sun up to sundown. From tea in the morning with breakfast to footrubs at night before bed. But the minute I suggested a little space, which I thought was healthy, he immediately packed his bags, walked out, sent me long texts telling me that I must not love him enough if I was pushing him away. I immediately tried to convince him that because we didn’t live together he should spend some time at his place, not that I didn’t want to be with him. He walked in and out of my life for over 3 years, 8 months of those were with another girl, because he said he didn’t know how much I loved him. Each time he wanted back in, it was always some form of a grand gesture. Like he was putting on a show for everyone to see. He’s smooth, handsome, and so good with words, and I’m so mad at myself for believing in him, for promises that never happened, and for feeling broken. Just 2 weeks ago he professed that he wanted a life together, and 2 days later was with someone else. I made sure he knew how much he hurt me, but I realize now that it was all a game to make himself feel better. I appreciate any words of wisdom, being 53 and feeling like a complete loser is not where I thought I’d be. I feel alone, I try and stay busy, but just wondering why he moves on so easily and I’m left empty and alone? I was such a vibrant, strong woman before I met him, and I just want that back again. Thanks so much for listening!
This man is no good for you and only wants control. It is all about him and how he feels, not your feelings or wellbeing. Try not to blame yourself, as these types of people are highly manipulative and want and need us to take the blame for their behaviour. He can move on so easily as once a Narcissist has got what they want and need from you, or if they sense they’re losing control of you, they move on to their next ‘supply’. The next vulnerable person they can exploit and manipulate. It is a repeating cycle and pattern. You are better off away from this as it is not a healthy relationship or form of love. You need to take your focus away from him – he’s taken enough of your energy and power – and put it back onto you. You are not a loser and it is never too later. But you need to put you first, above anyone and anything else. I would suggest you get help and support as breaking this cycle and getting over these emotionally abusive men is difficult. We feel that strong pull back to them or we go into another abusive relationship and repeat the pattern again. I’ve listed resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I also have online video courses that may help you understand what you went through and why. And how to get over him and move onto a healthier, happy life. You’ll find more about them here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/online-courses/ There is life after, I promise. You can turn your life around. Just start with you, the power is within you. Take it back from him. x
I was in two abusive relationships for a total of four years. The physical abuse came later in th second relationship and i am so grateful for my friends for supporting me and helping me out. I am now older and with a guy, but it seems too good to be true. I know his ex and her best friend is one of my good friends. She said he always treated her like a princess and spoiled her. He always does that for me too, but im scared hes just doing this to keep me around. Were at the age where marriage is realist. Ive met both his parents and they are caring and adore me. He makes sure we have date nights every week even when he works close to 48 hours. It scares me because i dont spend as much time with my friends anymore and that was a warning sign i shouldve noticed in my past relationship. I dont know if im just justifying this because me and my friends are all full time students and work so its hard for our schedules to line up or if im falling into an abusive controlling cycle. I still talk with them daily and have facetime calls with them regularly. Or am i just justifying my obession with him?
I’m so glad you are out of that abusive relationship. My advice would be to take it slowly, step by step. Don’t project onto him either way. Focus on you, not him and your wellbeing, every day. Try to let go and enjoy his company. If it’s meant to be it will be, if not, trust your gut and walk away. Always watch whether his words and actions align.
Hi Vivian. I am 24 years old and finally left a 2.5 year long emotionally/verbally abusive relationship about a year ago. Words cannot even describe the isolation, depression, self-loathing and dark places that consumed my previous bubbly, well-liked and happy/confident self before I met this boy at the end of my freshman year of college. I finally had the nerve to end the years of misery over summer break going into my senior year when we were apart and he let me a long, abusive voicemail that I had on record to listen to repeatedly. I swore off boys and after a few months I finally lost the weight gain from the bad relationship and felt good about myself again. Right around this time I met a love-bombing man child on Tinder who swept me off my feet with his over-embellished compliments and constant flattery (I hadn’t heard anything like this from the ex for years). We immediately began an extremely intense and fast-paced relationship which I finally realized was toxic, controlling and manipulative 6 months later. The ending fight for me was his disgust at my decision to testify as a witness in my roommates rape trial. A previous victim myself, this was a very brave decision and I felt responsible because I introduced her to her rapist while bartending and watched them leave together at the end of the night when she was heavily intoxicated. He demanded I didn’t testify and that was it for me.
This all ended as the school year finished and I returned to Chicago for summer break finally feeling empowered in my newfound singleness. I didn’t miss my recent ex and was feeling on top of the world. I reconnected with a high school acquaintance a few weeks later and never really processed how much shit I had just been through in my past two relationships.
In retrospect I think that my excessive drinking and partying all summer were coping mechanisms for me. This boy and I were beginning to like each other and spend time together but my walls were way up and I was loving my new dominant and “taking no shit from anybody” persona that seemed to attract men unlike ever before. Still, I convinced myself that I actually was this tough “cool girl” who couldn’t catch feelings and played games with him all summer. He played games too and when I returned to my fifth year of school in August we finally opened up to each other about how much we liked each other. we started visiting each other every weekend and began dating in late September. Things occurred over the summer in our “too cool to like each other” facades that I brushed over and I think as I got more comfortable with him, they started to fester inside of me. After we admitted our feelings and became exclusive, I still thought the worst in him even though he was showing me through his actions his care and commitment to me. I convinced myself it was a love-bombing tactic to get me swooning and he would break my heart shortly after. I made up scenarios where he was just using me for sex and didn’t believe him when he claimed to have a crush on me years back in high school. I was even mean at times and one time I insulted his cooking thinking it would give me the upper hand in our game of who cares less (I genuinely thought he didn’t care at all). I nitpicked everything he did looking for a true red flag that would justify all my paranoid thoughts. I literally could not find one until we had a drunken fight in mid-October when I was visiting Chicago. We both literally blurred out the actual conversation we had but I remember getting really offended when he said something about my “ambition” or “lack thereof” which was something I literally spoon-fed him into saying. The next day I told my sister about the fight and she convinced me to cut ties right then and there and I literally did, especially considering how hard I was trying to maintain this “new Lee will never take shit from a man AGAIN” persona. But in a horrible, drawn out, projection shit show drama that was just awful. I was trying to convince myself beyond the shadow of a doubt that the decision I made so abruptly was right. that this great guy was in fact a manipulative, lying, low-life, love-bomber drug addict. I spent so much time in the following weeks trying to convince myself of this that I lost complete touch with the actual situation before this breakup even happened. In a fucked up way, my bold ending of the relationship was some sort of vindication to myself that I could pick out the first sign of potential abuse and actually run away before wasting more years on another bad apple. I felt like I had grown from the experience and was a professional at flagging abusive qualities before things got worse. I got so carried away in these delusions that it took me almost a full month to come out of it and we rekindled while I was home for Thanksgiving Break. Nothing major happened and we avoided a lot of big elephants in the room as we were generally unsure of how to act. When I was home for three weeks over Christmas break we really reconnected and I felt closer and safer with him than I had actually felt before the Dramatic Dumping a few months back. I was even more secured with him by his efforts to win me back despite my irrational and impulsive dumping decision. No one had ever done that before. The 2.5 year long abusive relationship I was in ended with my leaving him and him scoffing at me thinking I could do any better.
It is now the end of January and since winter break, I have fallen so deeply in love with this man and our time together has been the best and most magical experience I have ever felt. Unfortunately, two weeks ago, after a night of drinking, we discussed the time we spent broken up and he admitted to having slept with one girl and I admitted to sleeping with two guys. In the heat of the moment he ended it with me on the principal that I could so cold-heartedly break his heart and then go out on the market looking for other guys before returning to him. This was far from the case and the next morning he came to his senses and begged for forgiveness for so harshly ending it. I genuinely told him not to worry and the pain his 24-hour break up caused me could not even bear the pain I caused him when I dumped him back in October. Two weeks passed and things were back to normal until he texted me today after seeming distant all day: “I know I love you but I don’t trust things will ever work out for us” and told me he still couldn’t wrap his head around the thought of me viciously dumping him and then going out to sleep around. I can’t even count the number of times I have apologized to him and I think about the pain I caused him literally every day with disgust. I deleted all the screenshots and evidence and am trying to block it from my memory because I want to focus on our future not our past. I think in doing this I never really told him what really caused me to act the way I did and it had nothing to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with me.
the extent of my toxic relationships that have severely fucked with my ability to trust and see a genuine good in a romantic interest (I now see a therapist weekly). I don’t know how to communicate to him (without coming off like an unaccountable whining victim) that I have deep rooted issues that I am trying to work on and I genuinely didn’t dump him to be evil. How should I go about doing this? I figure it is worth a shot and if he can’t understand after that then maybe it wasn’t meant to be but I really don’t know how to go about doing this.
Thank you for trusting me with your story. You have been through a lot, I’m sorry to hear this. It is difficult to relearn an entirely new system of coping mechanisms and not to sabotage relationships in which we fear this emotional connection (not being used to it). But you can. It takes time and it’s good to hear that you are not only aware of your reactions, but also getting support to work through your issues. The only thing you can be is honest. If he is someone who can accept you for who you are and not be scared off by this, then it’s meant to be. If he can’t then perhaps this is not be to be and not the time for this relationship. Having time alone is important too, to focus on you and heal. Put you and your wellbeing first at all times. I’m glad you are here.
Hi Vivian,
I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 3 years that ended 2 years ago. I have always been a little shy and had some fluctuating self esteem issues, so I guess I was an easy target and fell for my ex pretty quickly because of his grand gestures and constant attention. However, slowly but surely over the first year of our relationship things transitioned to him criticizing me, not liking my friends, insulting my family, being controlling etc. But for some crazy reason I still loved him through it all. He always managed to make me forget all the bad stuff and make me feel wanted and that we were a family. Anyway, things got worse and worse and I finally woke up one day and decided I had had enough. I ended our engagement and moved out.
Fast forward 1.5 years later and I finally started feeling semi-normal again and met a really great guy that seems nothing like my ex. He’s a little shy like me, but super sweet, easy to talk to, supportive, etc. We’ve now been together for about 9 months but about 1 month ago something changed. I know I’ve been over analyzing our relationship from the beginning because I’m so worried about making the same mistakes again so I think that’s part of what happened. But last month I started to have crazy anxiety and started doubting our relationship. I’ve never had anxiety issues in the past so I’m really struggling with how to deal with it. The feelings come and go, and for the most part when I am physically with him the feelings are much less, but when I’m alone with my thoughts sometimes I think terrible things and want to end our relationship. The anxiety is starting to bother me in other aspects of my life – its hard to concentrate at work, I’m feeling less happy and excited about life. I don’t think I really want to end it because he’s amazingly great. I’m just so confused and don’t want to push him away just because I’m scared. I started seeing a therapist but so far it’s not making too much of a difference. How do I get through this and find some clarity?
Hi Abbey, sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I tried to push my husband away too, as I wasn’t used to a man who was emotionally available to me. It is difficult at first, I know the feeling. The most important things to remember are if his actions are aligned with his words – he treats you kindly as well as being kind – then you can trust the relationship is a healthy one. Secondly, anxiety and insecurity can be linked to a lack of self esteem and self worth. Not feeling good enough or that you deserve it. A fear of abandonment – which leaves us to sabotage the relationship in a way to end if before they do (which is what we imagine is going to happen). The number one thing to work on is building your self esteem. Find a therapist who helps you with this, read every self help book you can find. Join a support group. I have a closed FB Group and those in there are supportive and help each other when they are struggling. It might be helpful to you too. You can find it here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/ I also have online video courses that might be of benefit: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/work-with-me. All the best.
Thank you Vivian for writing such a clear message around abuse and how it can really impact us. My heart goes out to all that have or are facing abuse.
I have been a woman for four years and like you, I saw the signs much similar to what you saw and those signs turned into the reality I was living. After being left by my ex-fiancee (we had grown apart and I don’t feel we nurtured the relationship and took it for granted) my self-esteem was low and I focused on what I wanted her to be, not what she was, not to mention the sex and chemistry has been amazing the entire four years. After a year she also started giving me ultimatums to propose to her. My trepidation increased. Deadlines to propose came and went. Tantrums and more abuse (emotional and slight physical) sprinkled with love actions. I was torn between love and fear. Loving a woman I knew had the capacity to be thoughtful, kind, and a good friend and fearful of a woman who seemed capable of the worst treatment I have ever received from another person. I also became someone I didn’t like…anxious, fearful, impatient, tired, worried.
I decided I no longer would live with her. I realized that I am the keeper of my safety and peace, through maintaining healthy boundaries. This was six months ago. Afterward we had one month no contact. We have both gone to counselling and when she and I started seeing each other again on a regular basis, the message from her was ‘I’ve learned from my mistakes, I feel horrible for how I treated you’, ‘I never dealt with some bad things that happened to me and I took my emotions out on you and I am sorry’. ‘But I still have a deadline and I can’t wait around for you to forgive me’. ‘Either you take me as I am now or leave’.
I was open about how I have become disconnected and it would take some time to build back the trust that was lost. During the past few months I have tried, and we’ve had some happy times. There have also been relapses on her end.
I can’t shake the feeling now that since I have experienced what she is capable of, I can’t trust her to be an emotionally safe person to be with. Yet, I question myself…’did I give her enough chances’, ‘what if I just put a ring on her finger’, ‘she’ll feel more secure’, ‘Am I holding the past against her’.
I want her to be happy and I told her yesterday that I think I am just wasting her time since I feel uncomfortable thinking about married life with her. So she left and I think we are over.
Meanwhile, I am 44 male, never married, no kids, wondering if I’ll find a normal, loving relationship that can be the foundation of my life.
Hi Stephen, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I love what you say about you being the ‘keeper of my safety and peace’ and that is so true. Putting a ring on her finger will not change her. I made the same mistake and learned the lesson the hard way. We can’t change another person. We can only change ourselves. Listen to what your gut is telling you about the relationship right now. Don’t base any decision on what it might be like in the future (if she changes). Can you accept her unconditionally for who she is right now. Is that good enough for you and your wellbeing. Does she bring out the best in you and you in her? Will you look back one day with regret? Put yourself first. Look after yourself and be the ‘keeper of your safety and peace’. It is not too late for you. It’s never too late. I’d say given you’ve never married and have no kids you’d be fairly eligible for a lot of women! You’ll find it. But take time to work on yourself first and build your self esteem, so that you can always set healthy boundaries. Thanks for writing. It’s also helpful to show that men can experience abuse in relationships too. Take care.
Hi Vivian ,
Just wanted to thank you for your writing and excellent advice for those out there who are going through or recovering from abuse. Reading through the comments on here also has been an eye opener.
I’m trying to recover myself after finally ending a 2 year abusive relationship with a narcissistic addict. He would do things like name calling, fits of rage, throwing furniture, punching things, threats towards me and also would have psychotic episodes where he would hear voices and see things that aren’t there. He would make up wild stories that were total lies and He would threaten to kill himself frequently when ever he didn’t get his way on something and was very good at making it seem believable that he would actually do it. He would explain in fine detail how he would kill himself and how it would be my fault. This happened frequently and it wasn’t until I finally left that I realised how much it has actually damaged me.
I can’t sleep more than 4 hours every night. I have crippling anxiety and guilt for leaving him that effects my every day life. Every time I’m around anyone who is drinking, even if it’s just them having one glass of wine, I freak out. (His episodes were almost always brought on by alcohol). Meeting new people I freak out wondering what they want from me.
I know I’m probably overreacting but I really don’t ever see myself trusting anyone again. How long after your relationship did you start to see progress with recovery?
Thanks again
Hi Elle and thanks for your kind words of support. I am so glad you are out of this relationship. When a person like this threatens to kill himself, you are also at great risk, as many will kill you first and then themselves. If he has mental health issues / delusions that are not being treated, that certainly doesn’t help.
Alcohol and / or drug addictions often go hand in hand with those who are abusive in relationships. But, although they may exacerbate it, they are not the cause of violence or abuse. They are responsible for their actions and accountable for them.
It took me years of work on myself to recover. It starts with you, which means taking your focus off you and working hard on building your self-esteem, understanding why you were vulnerable to a relationship like this etc. There’s no way around this, but it is worth it. My life changed as a result of this in the most incredible ways. I would do this, before you start dating again. Otherwise you risk repeating the pattern in another abusive relationship.
I suggest you might try Al-anon, which is a brilliant support group for wives, families and friends of alcoholics. I went to this, long after I left my ex. It helped me so much and was the beginning of my recovery. I also read every self-help book I could find.
It also sounds like you may be suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), which does happen after relationships like yours. You may consider getting help and support for this too. I’ve listed domestic abuse helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Take time to heal and recover. You will find someone you can trust, but it starts with loving yourself first. I hope this helps?
Hi Vivian,
I’m finally healing myself from an extremely abusive relationship I was in nearly 7 years ago. After much self-love and nurturing I’m finally in a place where I know I’m capable of being in a loving relationship. I’m curious, did you ever talk to your husband about your past? I feel like it would be necessary to give insight to emotional triggers and fears however, I’m scared that doing so would just cause him to treat me with caution, or worse, to avoid me. If you did discuss your past abuse how did you go about it? Was the conversation successful?
Thank you,
Ash
Hi Ash. I’m glad you’re well on your way to recovery now. Yes, I did. It was difficult not to as I had a child with my Ex and there were many complicating factors re access etc at first, that I was going through when we met. I can’t quite remember, but I guess probably I revealed things little by little over time when the time was right, rather than dumping the lot on him early on. He knows much of my past, although I never went into gory detail or extent of it, as I knew it upset him to hear how I’d been hurt. For the same reason he’s told me he won’t be able to read my book when it comes out soon, which I respect. Don’t hide your past. If you want someone to love you in a healthy way, then that is unconditional and for who you are, warts and all. If they reject you because of it, then perhaps they’re not meant to be? At first I tried to push my husband away, I was scared of emotional availability and closeness (I feared abandonment)… it took time for me to let him in. But he accepted me for me and gradually I was able to trust and let go. If you have a good, strong man, I would hope he’d be able to do the same.
I’m getting married in a few weeks to a man who is kind and gentle. Our relationship is good, steady and all my friends and family have given me the nod (as I learn to trust myself, checking things out with people I trust has been helpful!). We work through disagreements and have a happy, loving, good life together. He supports me through my trauma reactions, which come in waves. I haven’t spoken to my abusive ex in nearly a year, but his shadow still lurks around. I have zero red flags from my fiance. But I am currently in another wave of fear – this time, fear about being tied to another man in such a vulnerable an intimate way. The life we are building is what I want. And I know in my head that I deserve to be happy and loved. And the only way through the feelings…is through the bleep bleep feelings. The journey of self-love continues…slowly…slowly…slowly.
How wonderful to hear this, as it shows it is possible to find healthy love after abusive relationships. As you say, it starts with YOU and finding the self love. Well done to you, as I know how hard that journey is to take.
I felt the same as you, it terrified me being with a man who was emotionally available. I think deep down I was afraid of abandonment and that if he was to see the true me, he’d leave me. So I tried to push him away before, in my mind, that happened. It is frightening opening up and revealing ourselves, particularly if in the past, that intimacy has been used as a weapon to hurt us. But if, as you say, his actions align with his words and there are no red flags, then you can trust your gut that this is a good and kind man.
It takes time to build that trust and be able to reveal the full vulnerability that enables a deep connection. But it sounds to me like you have the type of man with whom you can do this with, slowly, slowly, as and when you are ready – one small step at a time. It will come and when it does you will feel more loved than you ever imagined was possible. It took me a few years and I still went to my support group even in the first years with my lovely husband. But I healed and have a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship now. It’s our 30th Wedding anniversary in May and he is still my best friend.
You have a keeper. Take it gently and slowly, but know that if you are pushing him away it is fear taking over… which requires more work on loving yourself. But you known this already. Enjoy your wedding day. You deserve it and your gut is already confirming things will be okay.
I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years. The last 6 months were a nightmare. He tried to kill me several times. The first time it happened I went to the police, did the protection order, went through with pressing charges, but within days of doing so he came and found me and convinced he was devastated and would never touch me again. Now, when I say he tried to kill me it was far worse then anything I could even imagine. I was tied to my bed, blindfolded, and gaged, beaten for hours, chocked unconscious at least 15 times, held for a total of 15 hours with an axe afterwards with the looming threat that he wasn’t going to let me go, he had to kill me because he ‘went to far”. Still, when he came and found me (which took him days of driving around our town until he located my car) and cried and begged I got back with him. He sat next to me as I called the detective handling the case. He had me go to court the next day and ask the court to remove the protection order. I understand now I was still brainwashed but that taken me time. However after that we traveled across the country, all while alienating everybody in my life. In the end he tried to kill me again and this time we were in a state where it is not up to the victim to press charges. That was 6 months ago. He is still in jail and I have two court cases that I have to testify in.
I started dating again a few months ago. I was extremely picky. I found any reason to kick them to the curb. I am glad I did because I was finally trusting my instincts. Then I met a guy who I didn’t feel any bad vibes. So we began dating. I had no choice but to tell him my story as it is on going. I get calls from the DA often. My vehicle is still in Colorado where it occurred (I am now back east) and of course there is the PTSD. Certain loud noises, or physical violence on a television show really unnerve me. There becomes an urge to push him away when something upsets me due to the PTSD. Because I’m damaged. He has been wonderful with it all. He says just the right things. That its understandable for me, that he will never hurt me. Its ok to get scared. Always telling me he doesn’t want it to end but that if it’s what I feel would help me he would understand. I always melt at his words. I hope I won’t always need him to fight for me, but right now that’s where I am in recovery. We have been taking it slow, lots of kissing but I’m ready to go the next step (intimacy-sex). It almost feels like it will help me really feel my ex is gone for good. (I feel like somehow I’m still saving myself for him, even though that’s not the case) I see a counselor at a domestic violence center. She thinks its going fantastic. She says the bad days are like waves on the ocean of emotion. It’s not always calm. I’m so happy now with all aspects of my life. I’m much more confident about my judgement, my instinks. Although I still sometimes say you better not change, and hurt me. But the thing is, things are progressing at a normal pace, unlike my last relationship.
I wish everyone luck finding there own way back to finding true love. Some may think it’s too soon but we are all different and since I feel I am doing the steps to bettering myself, to know why I used to devalue my worth, and I’ve set standards and stuck to them I am where I should be at this time in my life.
What a terrifying ordeal you have been through Kelli. It is brainwashing as you said and I understand how difficult it was to break free. I am so glad you are safe now. You are lucky to be alive. I am happy you have found a loving, caring, gentle man. The most important thing though, as you say, is focusing first on your recovery. Finding your self-worth and how to set strong boundaries that protect you from harm. I’m so proud of you for putting in that hard work on yourself to heal and anyone who finds the strength and courage to do this. It’s no easy I know. But it’s the only way to break the cycle of abuse. Stay strong x
I’m in the midst of leaving an abusive relationship (third time lucky I hope…) and this article gives me a slither of hope for my future. The thought of being intimate with anyone other than my current boyfriend repulses me.
He was kind, loving, exciting… Bit of a bad boy and incredible in bed. I fell head over heels while he was more of a slower burner. He made me feel sexy, desirable, loved and cherished. Now he is obsessed and is a monster. Calls me all the time, throws a tantrum if I don’t cancel plans to see him. Then he gets high on pot and cries, telling me he’s sorry and has a problem. He’s booked to see a doctor, but I doubt he’ll actually go.
He has threatened to kill me so many times I’m numb to it. Now he threatens my family, my dog, my career. He knows he’s losing me and I’m terrified that he’ll actually do something when I do find the stones to leave.
I did love him more than I’d ever loved anyone. My broken man. A crappy childhood was behind his anger issues, or so I used to say when people asked. But I’ve been hit, kicked, punched, smacked, slapped, spat on, choked and locked outside. All of these things were “my fault” because I drove him to do it. I made him angry. If I hadn’t made him angry, he wouldn’t have lost his head…
Please wish me luck and strength. I’m only 23. I long for a life where I’m not in a constant state of fear and anxiety…
Hi Mina. Please don’t stay numb to his threats to kill you and others. Not only has he told you he can do this, he has also choked you. The odds of a person killing you, if you have been choked by them already, goes up by 750%. This is a dangerous man. I know you feel love towards him, but this is not love but an addiction to a man who hurts you. It’s known as codependency. You can find out more about that here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/addicted-to-love/ and here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/feel-sorry-for-our-abuser/ I urge you to get help and support to get out of this relationship. You also need help to understand why you keep repeating this pattern in each relationship, otherwise the next one and the abuse will be worse, the more you are numb to it. You are the same age I was when I broke this cycle and turned my life around. You have a whole life ahead of you and if it is like mine, it will be wonderful. You can find healthy love with a kind, loving man. I did. But first, you need to stop focussing on your ‘damaged man’ thinking that only if you love him more you can rescue him and change him. You can’t. But you can change yourself. Get support to work on your self-esteem, understanding how you came to be in relationships like this and what you need to do to heal yourself. But please be very careful when leaving this man. Plan a safe exit first. Leaving is when we are most at risk of being killed by abusive partners. Get help and support to do this. I also have online video courses that can take you through all these steps, from changing your mindset from victim to survivor, to leaving safely and understanding what’s happened to you and how to break the cycle. They will help you, I know. Find out more here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/online-courses/ Stay safe and strong. x
I completely agree with your comment about observing his actions much more than just his words alone.
This is the motto I’ve decided to help guide myself in the future.
My question is, how did you find the strength and confidence to meet new men to date?
I left an abusive relationship almost 6 months ago now. I had been in the relationship for 18 months.
When I speak of the relationship to friends, and mention the word “abuse”, they instantly ask “did he hit you?”, and when I state that he did not, they don’t seem to understand how abusive the relationship was in so many other ways, and how damaged I am as a result of it.
Yes, there was one occasion when he jokingly repeatedly placed all of his weight on me (he’s a large guy too) in the deep end of the pool, so that my head went under, despite me repeatedly asking him to stop. He also drove aggressively and dangerously with me in the car (most often when we were having an argument). He would non-directly injure me, by groping me, humping me, or trying to put his finger in my bum (very embarrassing to admit) despite me angrily telling him to stop, and literally trying to elbow him off – it would become a struggle, and I’d end up bashing into furniture and bruising myself.
He also surprised me with anal sex on one occasion (he did not ask for my consent), he did eventually stop after I asked him to stop repeatedly, but it left me feeling violated.
He also dacked me in front of a family member.
Sometimes he would become aggressive with his movements with furniture, such as bashing a door closed.
But that’s as physical as things got.
The relationship was an ongoing mind game.
He was the friendliest, warmest and most intelligent guy I’d ever met. I loved him.
But it was like dating two different people.
If he did something that I was upset by, or I thought it was disrespectful, I would confront him about it, however he would say that my response was the problem rather than his own actions that triggered my response. He would then break up with me on the spot, then would send a cascade of bitter and insulting comments about me.
He would then phone me later that day, or the next day, talking all sweetly to me like nothing had ever happened. I would then react in anger, because he was so confusing. He would then make it appear that it was me who was the unstable, angry one.
This cycle would happen at least every month.
He was incredibly disrespectful to my family, and criticised them to me, and told mutual friends horrible and untrue things about them.
He was trying to distance me from them.
I found out that he’d had some traumatic experiences as a child, and felt so sad for him, believing that his behaviour was a result of the abuse he’d experienced. So I kept excusing everything he did.
He revealed that he was in debt, so I gave him my car, and almost offered to pay off his debt (but thankfully didn’t).
He had bipolar (but was high functioning), he worked full time as a teacher, and many people don’t know that he has bipolar.
I would communicate frequently with his psychiatrist, who would tell me how well my ex was doing, and very much wanted us to stay together, and expressed how good I was for him.
I would cry to the psychiatrist sometimes though, about how much my ex would affect me, and how I wasn’t sure how long I could go on like that for.
My ex would get very angry at times, sometimes he would call me on the phone simply to argue. He was so angry sometimes, and it never seemed appropriate for the situation.
He believed in male control and headship in relationships and marriages, and whenever I would disagree, he would insult me repeatedly and tell me to “get off” my “feminist high horse”. I was excelling at work, and it angered him, with him threatening to end the relationship – because if was a “career woman”, I clearly “mustn’t want to be a Mum”.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. I ached to be a Mum, and I still do.
He would remind me of this constantly, and would remind me of my age, I was 30, and am now 31. So he reminded me that it was urgent to marry.
I would point out that our relationship was not ready for marriage, given the fact that we had broken up only 12 hours before, and got back together again, which was a frequent occurrence. He would then become angry and tell me that it was me who wasn’t mature, and wasn’t ready to marry.
He was also dependant on alcohol, often drinking a full bottle of wine every single night. He would also abuse Valium.
I wanted him to get help, but there didn’t seem to be anywhere to go.
I felt like it was my responsibility. He was estranged from his immediate family, so I was basically it.
It was a huge burden, and so exhausting. He would undermine the seriousness of his addictions. He would often lie about it aswell.
We went to see a psychologist together. My ex blamed me, and my family as being the problems in the relationship.
When I would bring up my concerns, my ex would claim that it was untrue, or that I was exaggerating. I would be in tears over it all, so the psychologist would side with my ex.
The psychologist referred to my ex’s behaviours as “angst”.
I spoke about my ex’s aggressive sexual advances, and how I wanted them to stop. I spoke of how used I felt, and worthless. Mind you, I’m a Christian, and so was my ex. So it was against my wishes to be sleeping together when we were not married, it was incredibly upsetting for me, and I just wanted it to stop. The psychologist was also a Christian – the lead psychologist at a Christian college.
However, his advice was to sleep with my ex more regularly, to “relieve his angst”.
I felt helpless, and felt that if I didn’t do what was suggested, I would be blamed for my ex’s issues.
So I went ahead and followed the instructions.
My ex’s abuse only escalated more after that. And he used it as leverage in the relationship.
He saw nothing wrong with his own actions, so I realised that I had to get out. As he was never going to change. I’d tried to help him, but he was pulling me under with him.
By now though, I had basically lost all my friends. I didn’t know how to tell them what was happening, I didn’t know where to begin.
I couldn’t even go to an event without breaking down and crying. I completely isolated myself. And what was most painful was that no one reached out to me or checked on me. It was as if no one cared and that I’d just been forgotten about.
This, in addition to the damage that my ex had been having on me eroded my self esteem and self worth.
I was also seeing a lovely Christian counsellor, a female. And she helped me discover that his treatment of me was the cycle of domestic abuse. Thus gave me more motivation to get out.
I finally left him. It wasn’t easy. In some ways it was more difficult than staying in the relationship. He would activate the “find my iPhone” alarm on my phone repeatedly to make me answer my phone, and would not stop until I answered.
He threatened to tell my family about the extent of our physical relationship. He threatened to say disgusting untrue things about me to mutual friends.
He seemed to know where I was at all times. He was following me via my opal card activity, and I discovered that he was logged onto my Apple ID on my phone – so could see all my activity. I discarded the opal card, and changed my Apple ID password etc.
But I’m concerned that he made a clone of my phone. As odd activity has been happening on my phone, including the deletion of all messages between himself and I.
He has been phoning me incessantly. I never answer, however on the odd occasion that I have accepted the phone call, he remains silent and I can just hear him faintly breathing.
He also sent explicit photos of me to my parents, and threatened to send more.
I was frozen with fear, and humiliation, I actually considered suicide at the time – this was only 3 weeks ago. I reported him to the police.
I don’t want to go ahead with an AVO, as it would prevent him from working with children, which is his career.
And if he lost his job, I don’t doubt that he would kill me, as he would be angry beyond measure, and would have nothing to lose.
I’ve also stopped driving myself, as am scared that he placed a tracking device on my car.
My family have been of great support however.
I’m going to get a new phone, SIM card etc. and will also renew my car.
I only have about 3 friends now, and have lost all community that I was once apart of.
I’m also struggling now with my job. I feel so exhausted, like everything is too much.
What I would like to know, is did you tell many people about what you had been through? Especially if/when you may have needed to re-build networks and community for yourself? And if you met a guy who you were interested in, how soon did you share your previous abuse with him?
I’m trying to immerse myself in community, with new people, but I struggle, as I can’t help but breakdown and cry. I don’t want them to think that I’m some emotionally unstable person. So I feel that if I share a little bit of what has happened to me recently, they may understand a bit better. But my fear in that is that part of my identity will be a victim…rather than the true me, the strong, intelligent, caring, quirky and funny me, that I want them to know.
Hi Beth, thank you for trusting me with your story. There is so much in this, I hope I do it justice with my response. Please don’t downplay the physical and sexual abuse you suffered. He has been physically, sexually and emotionally abusive. He has manipulated and brainwashed you. He has even manipulated the psychiatrist and used him in a way to triangulate you. Another form of abuse. (I too was told by a psychiatrist I should go back to my ex, that he tried to kill himself because I left him – ie. I was to blame). Stalking too is abuse that needs to be taken seriously and at times has been the precursor to murder. So, don’t underestimate what you’ve been through. Or feel shameful about it. You are not to blame. You did not deserve this. You are still that strong, intelligent, caring, quirky and funny you. She’s just got a little lost. I know, as I was the same. You can get her back. But first, it’s important you spend time being still with yourself. Healing you. Before you think about dating again. It’s important to understand why you were in that relationship, where the seeds of insecurity (you may not even know are there) came to be inside you. So that you can know you are good enough, build a strong sense of self worth and esteem. And be able to set strong boundaries, when someone like this tests them and pushes them. Otherwise, you risk going back to him or straight into another abusive relationship (we repeat these patterns, until we break them). It wasn’t about me finding the courage and strength to date again. I found my man after working very hard on myself. Healing me. He turned up in my life when I wasn’t looking for someone. I was enough. My happiness didn’t depend on a man or a relationship. As my sense of self-worth was strong, I attracted someone who treated me as worthy. Then I was able to reveal my true self, including my past, as and when it was appropriate to tell him. It didn’t scare him off, as he is a strong and good man.
You need time to heal. You need help and support to focus on you (and possibly to deal with PTSD). You’ve been spending all your time trying to rescue and save him. Focussing on his problems. Stop wasting your energy on him or anyone else. You need to start with YOU. It may help to look at my online video course, that will explain why you are feeling the way you are now – you’re emotions flooding to the surface. Don’t feel ashamed. It’s a necessary, but painful process of healing. I also show you the steps to break the cycle and patterns, so you never go through another abusive relationship again. Find out more here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/survivor-to-staying-strong/
Get help help and support here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
In terms of revenge porn and him posting explicit photos of you. I am working on a film about this. You don’t have to suffer this in silence or shame. We have resources that may help you on that front too: http://www.50shadesofsilence.com
Finally, I have an Unbeatable FB Group you might like to join, where there are others who have been through what you have, including former students of my online courses: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/
Stay strong. Viv x
I cannot explain how much your article was exactly what I needed to read and gave me all the understanding I have been searching for throughout this difficult time I’m currently going through. The past month has been absolutely hell for me and at the same time I have never felt so alone going through it. I’m in an abusive relationship with a man I’ve been with for almost 3years and who is 18yrs older than me. When I finally decided I couldn’t take it anymore, i started to take action and stop wasting anymore energy towards something I knew would never happen. I accepted that this was not what I deserved. He has made it even harder and became more of the monster towards me. It’s exhausting. After reading your article, it gave me the hope of what I can look forward to. You unlocked the power I had inside me to defeat this demon. Wish me luck. Thank you so much. I hope to stay in contact with you if possible.
I am so glad it has helped you Reena. I’m sorry to hear what you are going through, I know how hard it is, especially when you try to leave. There is definitely hope and life after this, I promise. But please be careful. Leaving can be the most dangerous time. Get help and support to work out a safe plan. 75% of murders/injuries happen as we try to leave and their fear losing control over us. I’ve listed DV Resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ You might also want to consider my online video course that takes you step by step how to get out of an abusive relationship and not be pulled back to them or repeat the pattern by going into another one. It helps you understand why you were attracted to an abusive person and how to break the cycle and turn your life around like I have done. You can find out more here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/survivor-to-staying-strong/ Thanks again and I’d be happy for you to stay in touch. I also have a FB Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/ you might like to join.
Dear Reena, I hope you have been able to leave your SO safely and successfully. Wishing you the best. <3
Hello 🙂
First of all, thank you very much for this article and blog. I just read through the comment section and wanted to say I am deeply touched by how you try to help everyone on here. I have been struggling a little lately so I decided to share my story as well.
During my exchange year in Costa Rica I met my first boyfriend. I was 16 and he 19, and we were together for about two months when I had to go back to my family in Germany (that’s where I normally live). We kept up a long distance relationship, skyping every single day for 2-4 hours, always texting and sending photos of our lives to each other. He finished school in that time and we managed to organize a travel for him. He bought flight tickets and I convinced my parents he could live in our house. He came in December, we had around 7 months by then, and first it was awesome. I was overjoyed to have him back and presented him to everybody.
But I began noticing what I had been ignoring before: his extreme jealousy, lack of motivation in activities, and increased sexual desire. We had sex one time, shortly before I left Costa Rica, but I wasn’t comfortable with it and avoided the topic when he was here. He was getting really jealous about one of my friends, saying I was cheating, making up ridiculous accusations etc. Then he started controlling my phone and scrolling through our conversation (yes, I talked to that friend a lot), even though he doesn’t know German so wouldn’t even understand anything. While I was in school, he searched my room, or randomly appeared where he wasn’t supposed to be. He had a difficult childhood and was (supposedly) cheated on by his ex girlfriend, also had drinking issues and would throw tantrums and sometimes get physical, but not too badly.
One time, he caught me talking to that friend in the library and made a scene, yelling, calling me a bitch and threatening to punch him. I was shocked and hysteric, but later on excused his behavior and we were determined to go on. January was horrible. On my 17th birthday party, he got drunk. Several times, he crossed a line when making out, or said that I didn’t want sex with him meant I was having it with other guys.
I finally got out of the relationship (with the support of friends, including that one boy), and my then ex boyfriend left two weeks earlier than we planned to live at a friend’s house before flying back to Costa Rica.
I had to block him on various social media, because he kept texting me insults saying I was a horrible person, liar etc.
Now the thing is, I actually got together with the guy I talked about – but I swear I didn’t have feelings for him while in my first relationship! And I would never ever cheat on someone. We have one month of being together and I couldn’t be happier (even though there were a lot of rumors and people have been gossiping unfriendly things about me). He is the same age as I am, intelligent, polite, kind, and we can have “deep” conversations as well as make up stupid puns.
I want to take things slow and not make the same mistake again (agreeing on something I am uncomfortable with), but have been kissing nevertheless. It is just that whenever this sensual atmosphere comes up, at one point I will inevitably tense, dissociate, curl up or start crying. He has been incredibly sweet about it and always manages to calm me down, but I just feel so guilty and ashamed for it because he would never force me into anything and nevertheless I can’t even get a shirt off without panicking (that was this morning and I am still angry at myself for reacting this way). I feel like I am totally exaggerating and just causing drama and playing the victim.
And today my ex from Costa Rica texted me again over Instagram (he apologized for the insults, but brought up the cheating accusations again and said things like “I know you feel nothing for me and don’t care anyway”), and it completely broke me down.
But he’s coming over in a while, and we plan on watching a movie with my family, so that’s nice plans for today 🙂
Hugs and a lot of strength to anyone facing problems in their relationship!! You are so much stronger than you believe and the right person will come and stay.
Love,
Annika
Hi Annika, please don’t be hard on yourself and put your needs and wellbeing first. Your gut instincts are there to protect you so heed them, if there is anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. There is no need to feel guilty, or as if you are exaggerating. You have every right to go as slowly as you feel comfortable. You are young and have your life ahead of you. If you put yourself and love yourself first, then others will treat you as lovable too. Focus on you and your self-esteem. The rest will follow. Thanks for your kind words too, I appreciate all the lovely comments and feedback I get here. Stay strong x
Thank you for writing this. I’m going on a first date with someone tonight and I’m nervous about it, he seems very nice and “normal” which I’m not used to. The total opposite to how my ex was- even when my ex and I first started talking/dating.
I don’t see any red flags and we have hung out once before. I’m trying to take it slower than a turtle by being friends with him- in a weird way he’ll be meeting my family this weekend so I guess then my parents can let me know if they see any flags and I’ll stop talking to him if they do. I do enjoy his company- it’s easy to be around him and talk- and I guess I keep waiting for him to say or do something that makes me uncomfortable/weirded out but he hasn’t yet, besides giving me compliments (which are hard for me to accept because I’m not used to them).
I’m trying to take it day by day. It is hard because I don’t want to develop any “crush” in case I get burnt like last time. Right now I’m holding him at an arm’s length. I think I’m projecting my feelings and experiences onto him which I don’t want to do. I also don’t want to scare him away once he finds out I’m an abuse survivor- the event I’m having next week is centered around this (my art show).
Thank you for including the idea to “watch what they do” instead of what they say, I’ll be sure to do that tonight. He does check off several of the boxes in my head that I want for the next guy I date (nice, respectful, has a job, etc.) I guess I have to start believing that I do deserve the best. Thank you for reminding me of that. I am so happy for you that you successfully left your abuser for the long run and found the man you deserved.
I hope anyone reading my comment or this article, who thinks they might be in an abusive relationship, takes this advice into consideration and truly analyzes their significant other’s intentions. Your life is not worth risking.
It sounds like you’re taking the right approach Catherine. Take it slowly, don’t project and just be still and observe what he does. How did it go? Now we’re all dying to hear!
Hi.
I was in a relationship for four years which ended abruptly early last year.
The relationship was unhealthy and both emotionally and physically abusive from early on. He Is a complete narcassist and demonstrates many of the traits, I spoke to him about this and he would ask me to help him, his father is also an abusive narcassit and he would say it is all he knows and ask me to help him change; he never did.
He would call me fat, knowing this was a sore subject and my main cause of low self esteem. He’d say I was disgusting and nothing I did was ever good enough. He made me feel unwanted and often that I was in the wrong when we argued or make me feel crazy. He caused me to distance myself from friends, he refused to meet my family in the four years we were together, yet expected me to be deeply involved with his.
The nighy it ended he accused me of trying to come onto a man old enough to be my father, no such thing. He made a scene so we had to leave the gathering we were at. Things ended badly and resulted in him beating me, stamping on me; worse than ever before. He literally threw me out of my own house in the middle of the night after beating me, I had no option other than to call the police.
I have sought help through specialist counselling and lots of support from friends and family and I feel I can understand things more, it no longer hurts as it did. However I am really struggling with even the thought of being in another relationship.
I have moved on in many other areas of my life and things are really positive.
I have a male friend who I met a few months after the abusive relationship ended, he is a lovely, kind, understanding man, he knows about my situation and he has never faltered to be there if I need him. He has never given up and has always been supportive. A few months after meeting him through mutual friends he said he would like us to be in more than friends. The problem is I have no physical attraction towards him what so ever. He Is happy to just spend time with me and assures me there is no pressure for intimacy. I have been completely honest with him.
Even the thought of any intimacy with him or anyone instantly makes me feel panicked and queezy. I have to block out the thoughts as I can’t deal with how it makes me feel.
Could this be linked to the trauma of the emotional abuse? I have never had a good self esteem. But currently I don’t feel I can bare my body n soul to anyone ever again.
I am wondering if time might heal this, or if I just don’t fancy this man? Or if I should seek some help around the trauma?
The situation is triggering my anxiety hugely.
Sorry for my delayed response. It could be linked to the trauma of abuse or it might be you don’t fancy him in anything other than as a friend. I don’t think you need to know the answer to this right now. Keep focussing on you, getting help and support to deal with the trauma you have experienced and working on building your self-esteem. Once you are strong within yourself and really love yourself the answer will come. You’ll know what is good for you and right for you and what is not. Start with you. Keep healing you first, before worrying about any new relationship.
Hi,
I am a 47 year old man with one beautiful amazing daughter who is 5. I’m on the other side of the table and would like advise. I recently got a divorce after 20 years but have been emotional separated for 3 years. I have been dating for a while, so this is not a rebound. I met a wonderful woman who is separated who is going through a divorce. The woman I met was in a marriage with three young girls and her husband was extremely emotional abusive by a narcissist . She has PTSD from it. We fell in love. She said she never fell in love and felt this way with someone who there was less chaos and cared for her without putting her down etc. We got along really well. She told me yesterday that she needed to get her life together. During our relationship, her ex husband did everything in his power to say he changed but belittled me to her everyday which I don’t care what he says about me because I know he is a bully. When she said she needs time, she said I’m the kindest man she ever met and i’m Her soulmate. I’m so confused. She keeps texting me telling me how much she miss me and thinking of me. Texting things her kids say about me. Her kids said they like me in her life because I make their mom happy and she was never happy in the past. Do you think she is getting manipulated by her ex because he is extremely aggressive. Or just needs time because she is really confused. From a woman’s perspective who was abused by a narcissist what is your opinion. Should I just move on. How do I handle a situation like this. I have never been through this before. I really like her and feel we are very compatible in many way. Her family was beyond excited to meet me and love me and was so happy she was done with her Ex. I am extremely appreciative for your help. Thanks
Hi Dave, it’s nice to hear from a man and to hear this other perspective. Sorry it’s so confusing for you. There are probably two things going on. He is hoovering her back in – manipulating her with promises to change or making her feel guilty for leaving. Probably brainwashing her a little about you as he will be jealous of that. Also, when you come out of an abusive relationship it’s not over, it’s the start of your recovery and healing. She will need time to work on herself, understand why she was drawn to someone who hurt her. What we don’t realise is we need this chaos and drama to hide from ourselves and the fact we are low in self esteem. I wrote about this here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/chaos-and-drama/
We have this feeling we’re not good enough and a low sense of self worth. She may not even realise this. We fear abandonment and so when there is a man who is secure and emotionally available to us, it scares us. It means opening up and being vulnerable, revealing ourselves. But as we have low self worth, we fear if they see the real us they’ll reject us. So we push them away before they leave us (as we imagine will happen). I hope that makes sense? I pushed my now-husband away. Vulnerability and emotional availability scared me. But little by little as I built my self esteem and he treated me kindly I let go and allowed myself to get close to him. That built trust and the strong connection we have today. So, it may be both his hoovering and her fears of how unfamiliar and scary this new relationship feels (subconsciously). If you really care about her I would just be there for her, show her by your actions you are kind, supportive. That’s what my husband did. He was there, standing strong and I realised I was safe with him. What he said is what he did. My ex would say one thing and do the opposite. Then, at some point, if she doesn’t come to you, you’ll have to decide if it’s right for you and your needs. If she has PTSD I hope she is getting help and support to work through it. This takes time.
This is a great article and the comments and your replies, Ms. McGrath, are so helpful, too. I’ve been separated from my emotionally abusive husband (25 yrs married) for 19 months now and we should be divorced within a couple of months. A couple of months ago, an old high school friend and I ran into each other and we reconnected and started texting and talking on the phone (he lives in another state and is also going through a divorce after 24 years of marriage). We were great friends in high school and one thing I remember about him compared to the other guys (boys, really at that age!) was that he was always respectful to others. He liked me in high school and we went on one date where he was a complete gentleman. But we remained good friends and then went our separate ways after high school.
The thing is that this reconnection was intense from the start. We both sensed it right away. We have so many things in common and the conversation is easy, effortless and as we talked more, we were having fun just letting our sense of humor come out, as well. However, I am stunned by the intensity of emotion that this is producing in me. From the minute I saw him, I projected onto him (we saw each other in a restaurant and I didn’t recognize him at first, but knew he was looking at me….I started projecting right then and there). I have questioned many things he’s said to me – some in an indirect manner to him, but I’m sure he picks up on it.
My soon to be ex-husband apparently lied to me from the beginning of our relationship and just admitted to some of those lies about a year ago after we were separated. I had always suspected something wasn’t quite right about some things but he lied to me and gaslighted me to believe that I was paranoid (even used to sing the chorus to a song to me “paranoia will destroy ya”). Two years ago I woke up to the fact that my husband is an extremely covert abuser. He lies and gaslights without skipping a beat or showing any remorse. He does it so well.
What makes all of this really hard for me is that my husband displayed behaviors that looked enviable to my friends – he was always very physically affectionate with me, he would help out around the house a ton, run errands, etc. But, on the rare occasion I would bring something to him that had hurt me or that I needed him to help out more with (setting healthy boundaries for our kids, etc.) he would verbally abuse me, stonewall me and manipulate me until I apologized to him for whatever he convinced me of that I had done wrong….then the relationship was back on track and seemingly good although we never had any emotional connection whatsoever, only physical and surface level.
I think because of the covert nature of the abuse, I am concerned I will always be worried about finding myself in this kind of relationship again. And again, just talking to this friend – which in many ways is like night and day compared to the emotional connection I had with my husband is emotionally terrifying in many ways. I find myself beyond thrilled to be able to explore this friendship/possible relationship with this man…..to in a moment’s notice, alone in my thoughts, ready to cut it all off, run away and never talk to another man again.
One of my main hang-ups, too, after reading so much about narcissists and emotional abuse, is that I’m worried that my friend’s marriage could be breaking up because of his behaviors. I do see that the statistics seem to show that more men than women are narcissistic abusers; however, hearing the things he has said about his marriage, it does seem that his wife is emotionally unstable and possibly a narcissist, as well (she cheated on him three times, the first affair being two years into their marriage). I think another green flag (rather than red) is that he has owned a few things that he knows he could have worked on in their relationship and has said he is committed to working on himself so as not to bring those things into another relationship.
I was triggered by something several weeks ago and kind of cut off our communication for now, to which he respectfully agreed and asked if we could revisit talking to each other after our divorces were finalized and life had settled down for us both. So that is where we are now, and I find myself unable to stop thinking of him. But, I want to take this time to continue to work on me and healing. I want him out of my head right now to be honest so I can do that and I’m not sure where to start. I can see that even this fact that I can’t get him out of my head might be a good indicator that I have a lot of work to do on myself – on the other hand, maybe it is entirely normal for all of these thoughts to be swirling around as I’m tentatively excited about the possibility of finding a true friend/lover to do life with after not having that for 25 years.
So, any thoughts or feedback to this long comment is much appreciated. If nothing else, it’s good for me to process it this way. Thank you –
Thank you for your kind comments and I am so glad it is helpful to you. I agree with you, the best thing you can do now is to take your focus away from him and put it back where it belongs. Onto you. His past relationship is not your problem or your responsibility. The abuse you experienced with your ex you are not to blame for. Now is the time to focus on you. Cutting off for a while might be a good idea, to allow you to do this. It sounds to me as if you need to find you first. Build your self-esteem and become strong within yourself. Process your past relationship and why you were attracted to and stayed with a man like he is. Once you are the best you can be, then you can be the best within a relationship. Then, when you truly feel so good about yourself you don’t need a man to know you are enough, perhaps consider dating again. Try not to project onto them. Let go. You are enough. If it’s meant to be it will be. If you see any warning signs heed them. Ultimately, trust your gut feelings and what you observe (not project, but observe) about their behaviour, no matter what they say to you. If their actions align with their words, then you can most likely relax and enjoy the new and healthier relationship you will then be ready for.
Hi Vivian,
So I’ll start off saying I have no experience with men. My parents divorced when I was born because my father was abusive. No brothers, uncles or male cousins in my life to understand what is typical of men. My first and last relationship (age 18-21) was abusive in many ways including sexually. I’ve dealt with sexual assault a lot in life and he’s been the most gruesome of it. I’m 24, and crave meaningful and healthy relationships especially with a significant other. But I’m literally afraid. I feel I live in a constant state of dissonance. One minute I’m telling myself I have to let things go and learn to pick them better. The next I’m reminded that if the only man I’ve ever loved can hurt me- they all will. What do I do? Should I just try again in a few more years and hope the trauma has left?
My advice would be not to date anyone until you have had help and support to work on healing yourself from all this trauma. Otherwise, you risk repeating the pattern and entering another abusive relationship. This is not to say you are to blame for any of this abuse, but abusive people take advantage of those they detect are easy to manipulate and low in self-esteem. The most important thing is to find a strong sense of self-worth within you that is not dependent on a man. You know and believe you are enough with or without one. When you are high in self-love you’ll find someone who treats you as lovable. Take care of yourself first and the rest will follow. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Wow… I’m sobbing right now because this is it. This exactly what happened and I didn’t realize it was something that happens often.
I had never been in a relationship before meeting this guy so I had nothing to compare to and thought all the weird things were just normal, he wanted to be exclusive after the first coffee date and immediately started to call me pet names. I felt so special around him that I didn’t mind obeying him when he told me to stop going out with the group of friends I had at the time because he didn’t like me hanging out with other guys. He made me truly feel beautiful like I had never felt before and I was so quick to give him my heart I was truly blind to how isolated from everyone else I had become.
Next thing I know it all came crashing down over the course of a couple weeks, all of a sudden he was accusing me of messing around with guys behind his back (I was afraid of even looking other guys in the eye because I didn’t want to make him jealous), he was consistently looking through my text messages and accused me of being spoiled and selfish, he told me I was hurting him by my actions and was acting no better than a bar slut when I would so much as smile at a cashier and say “thank you”.
He broke up saying that maybe when I fixed my problems he would come back…I lost my friends and have to see him every day and am completely lost now, I want to move on but I can’t. I know he could care less about me now, but I still love him. I thought he would be proposing…I just wish I could know for sure that something better will come along because I can’t imagine anyone possibly being better than him…
So sorry to hear this Miriam. I know this might sound harsh right now but you have dodged a bullet. His behavior is what is known as coercive control and this emotional abuse will only get worse and could even lead to physical abuse. The longer you are in this cycle the harder it is to leave and your self-esteem will be ground away. I know you still feel you love him but this is not what love should be – it should not hurt like this. You deserve better. My advice would be not to go into another relationship now as your happiness should not depend on a man. It needs to come from within. If you have a high sense of self-worth and esteem you’ll attract someone who treats you as worthy. If not then you risk going into another abusive relationship. I would also urge you to get help and support to understand the dynamics of codependent relationships. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book I can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here is my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I also have an online video course that will help you to understand what happened in the relationship, why you feel sorry for him and still love someone who abuses you. How you can break that intense pull back and not go back. Or into another abusive or addictive relationship. How to turn your life around and go on to find healthy love. You can find out more here: http://www.beingunbeatable.com/survivor-to-staying-strong/
You might also find these posts/videos helpful:
1) Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
2) Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/can-narcissists-love/
3) Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/love-hurts/
4) Why do I feel sorry for my abuser: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/feel-sorry-for-our-abuser/
As I sat tonight pondering if I’ll be alone forever, I thought I’d see if I can find something online to make me feel normal. Here I am.
I left my narcissist 9 October, 2015. I spent 3 years pursuing charges against him for his final, personal, viscous assault on me that evening. I had spent 20 years with him.
Now, it’s 4 years later, he’s in prison, and I reject any attempt at interpersonal interaction made by anyone new.
I feel awesomely confident and convince myself I’m happy alone forever, but there’s still that desire to try to date. I shut it down pretty quick by again relishing the peace and confidence I have now without anyone (him) in my life.
I’ve seen therapists, and am, frankly, tired of talking about what I was tired of living. I don’t know what will happen in the future, and all my friends try to convince me I’m depriving myself, but I can’t stomach the idea of falling for Prince Charming again. His alter-ego is too scary.
Thanks for your info. Not there yet but hopefully, one day I will be.
I am so glad you have found your freedom. Your instincts are right. Don’t rush into dating but spend time healing first. It is important to do this or you rush repeating the pattern in a new relationship. Stay strong.
Hi vivin .. Im Randy i have been married to my beautiful wife 18years .. I wasnt the best husband be any means. We have one child 14 yrs old with sp needs.. I have done horrible things to sabotage our marriage. Had two emotional Affairs and one physical affair The physical Affair was about five years ago, and the emotional was about 7 years ago. She always gave me chance after chance, and I never changed and She said she cant live like this.. We’ve been separated for 3 months now I’m free to do what I want. She’s free to do what she wants. We still live together. still in the same house as she sleeps on the couch. I in the bed we switch on the weekends She’s a stay-at-home mom for 14 years and loved every minute of her. I love everything she does. I really can’t live without her. I feel it deep down in my soul that she is the one and I treated her so bad it breaks my heart and I just want to help her… She would tell me what she wanted and what she needed and I never gave in to her and never did it and always rejected in the collected her. But now that I can’t have her and I know she’s fully gone. I really really see how much I truly do love her and want to be with her and just miss her so much… Past 3 months i I have changed how I acted around her. I’ve been more nice and loving and caring and just not put being pushy, but just like helping her around the house helping her with her son being more inattentive to her needs. But she says she doesn’t want that. It just really gets on her nerves it pushes her away more. And we’ve had sex more than ever. Like we would have sex during marriage but not like we do now. Recently got on online gaming and been doing that for the past three to six months. She recently started talking to a guy on there and they’ve been talking for 3 months now and I overheard her I love you to him and him say it back. I don’t understand how to deal with this. By the way, he’s a 13-hour drive away. He’s in several different states. He has two kids been in the same situation as my wife… I want her to be happy. I love her. I love my son to death. . just her to be happy and want it to work with me. Cuz I truly do care and love everything about her. I made mistakes. I got lost in our marriage and rejected her and emotionally abusive never physical said bad things to her.. That I wish I could take back and never did the things that I did to her. The past 3 months have been real eye-opening for me and making me realize that I took sirre advantage of her of her nice and caring and thoughtfulness and I just ran in the ground and I wish I never did that and I cry everyday thinking about her how bad I treated her. I just want happiness for I hope she truly is happy with the person’s you talkin to but I don’t understand how to handle it and I want her. To be happy and I want to let her go. I’m not holding her there. She’s free to do what she wants. I’m the sole Financial provider. She’s been a stay-at-home mom. And I told her that I will leave if she wants me to she can have the house. I’ll pay for it. That’s the least I can do. You deserve it. What do you think about about it like her thoughts because it is she trying to get over how I treated her but doesn’t want to end a marriage. She doesn’t know that i know I heard them say I love you to each other. Pl help ty
Hi Randy, sorry to hear of your pain. It’s hard for me to comment on your specific relationship. It may be that she’s had enough of your behaviour and wants to move on. It may be that she is uncomfortable now you are more emotionally available, pushing you away and repeating the pattern with another emotionally unavailable guy. Only you can work this out. I think the best advice I can give you is to take your focus off her and work on you. If you let her go and love her unconditionally then if it’s meant to be she’ll come back and if not, then she won’t. You can’t change or control her but you can change you. I would also read everything you can get your hands on regarding codependency and how to heal from this. Here’s my Best self-help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
Vivian,
My ex just left after 14 months of an amazing relationship. We never argued and I showed her true love everyday. She had 2 failed marriages by verbal abusers and was raised in a household with no love. I think she’s scared to go further for some reason? I love her deeply but giving her room to process. Please help.
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. When I first met my lovely now-husband I tried to push him away too. I wasn’t used to a man who was emotionally available. This stems from a deep-seated and subconscious fear of abandonment. You fear intimacy and vulnerability. So you push away someone who is emotionally available and instead go for what is familiar to you – a man you can rescue. The thinking goes: if I can focus on their needs and they are more damaged than me, then they’ll need me, not leave me and I won’t have to focus on my inner fears. On the other hand, if I reveal vulnerability and get close to someone who is available I fear that if they see who I really am they’ll be repulsed by me and leave me – confirming my fear of abandonment. So easier to push them away before they dump me (which is what you convince yourself will happen). It’s crazy I know. You are doing the right thing. You can’t change her. She needs to come to her own realization that you are not going to hurt her. Just stay strong, be there for her and tell her you aren’t going away, you’ll be there when she’s ready.
I have been struggling to leave my abuser for a while now. It is a same sex relationship. She has borderline personality disorder, and lashes out at me anytime she perceives any sort of abandonment on my end. Her fuse has gotten shorter, and she lashes out more frequently than before. We have probably broken up over a dozen times, and have only been together 6 months. She’s driven away a bunch of my friends, and those who haven’t been driven away avoid me when I am with her. I have gotten 2 temporary restraining orders on her, and each time end up breaking the order and getting back together with her. Everytime I leave her, she reels me back in with how alone she is, how no one ever loves her enough to stay, how she is so underserved of love. She threatens to kill herself. This last break-up ended with her in the hospital having her stomach pumped. My heart breaks for her because she’s driven all her friends and family away, can’t hold a job, so she has hardly any human interaction. I want to protect her, even though she physically, emotionally and verbally abuses me. I’m ashamed that I still love her and continue to go back to her, considering how she treats me. I am trying so hard to not go back.
I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are not responsible for her, nor are you her parent or counsellor. Whilst she is putting all the responsibility for her happiness and wellbeing onto you she is not taking responsibility for herself or being accountable for her own actions. Her words: that no one loves her enough to stay, that she is alone unless you are there and her threats to kill herself place an enormous burden on you that is not your responsibility. Sadly, you can’t change her either, only she can. Whilst you are there taking that responsibility she will never be accountable and face her demons herself. Threats to kill herself are the ultimate manipulation and be careful because sometimes those who threaten this take their partners with them too. I would suggest getting help and support to break free of this abusive cycle and codependent relationship. It feels like love but codependency is an addiction and the abuse will only get worse. Focus on you and your healing first, not hers. You can only change you. Is this relationship good enough for you? What does your gut tell you? Surround yourself with those friends who care about you and try to find the strength to break free from this. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Hi Vivian,
Thank you for sharing your story as I’ve seen how narcissists can literally ruin the lives victims. I haven’t dated a narcissist but instead the last 2 women I’ve dated have exes who were narcissists. I am writing you as I can’t seem to find any tips or advice for people in my situation because it’s really difficult when you care for someone who was with a narcissist and that ruin the relationship.
Can I please get your thoughts on my current situation? I’ve been dating an amazing woman for 2 months(She was married to a Narc for 6 years and now divorced for 4 years now) and things were going great as we have an amazing connection and chemistry, and I guess I’m the first guy that she’s truly liked since her ex husband. Regarding her ex husband she went no contact with him(actually he’s court ordered not allowed to contact her) and from what she has told me he changed half way through their marriage. Anyways, things were going great until last Sunday which would have been their 10 year anniversary, so she was fairly distant to me which I understood. Nevertheless, the next day she sent me a text message saying “I’m not ready to be dating or have any type of relationship right now. I’m sorry but I can’t see you anymore. I don’t want to talk about it and I’m sorry but it wouldn’t be fair to you for me to be only partially in.”
Since then I have tried to talk with her on the phone or in person and her response is “I don’t feel like I owe you a face to face explanation b/c we’ve only been dating 2 months, etc.” It sucks because I know the real reason is that she is scared to see me because she knows the chemistry/connection we have and she is taking the easy way out. We literally went from things been amazing one day (planning a long weekend vacation and meeting each other’s families) to the next day completely stone walling me and not having one conversation about it.
I know the real reason is that she is worried that I will change like her ex-husband did and she is scared to get hurt because we were getting so close… I remember her even making a comment saying she misses the guy he was before, which wasn’t a big deal and I understand that, but I know she’s afraid I would change like he did.
Any advice? We live about 20 minutes apart and both in our late 30s. She’s an Aries so she can be a little dramatic but I don’t know if I should not contact her for a few days or what…(Well I’m getting roses delivered to her work tomorrow). I’ve given her no reason to doubt me and all I want is to y’all on the phone or f2f, and for her to atleast give me a chance to make a mistake.
Again, thanks so much and my apologies for the long response.
I understand how difficult this is. I tried to push my now-husband away for quite a while at the start. It wasn’t so much that I wanted what I had before. It was more that I was terrified of emotional availability and getting close to someone. I had a fear of abandonment and so in a crazy way, I tried to push him away subconsciously fearing he’d dump me when he got close to me and saw who I really was. It took time. The best thing he did was consistently being present, kind and reassuring me he wasn’t going anywhere. I was ready to start trusting again as I had done a lot of work on myself by then and gently let him in little by little. You can’t change her. We go back to what is familiar to us from childhood, even if it hurts us. It is only when we see we need to heal ourselves from within that we can be ready for a healthy relationship. I would let her know you are there for her if and when she is ready, that you will never hurt her and then you may have to let go. If she’s ready, she will come back. But, please make sure you are putting her needs so above your own it is at your expense. I hope that helps.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I was in a relationship with a narcissist for two years, and he kept on abusing me even when we broke up. I started learning about emotional abuse and narcissism only recently, and now I can clearly see what I went through and it’s so helpful seeing other people going through the same thing, I feel less alone in the pain and doubt I felt in the past 4 years, during and after the relationship.
I’m dating this new guy now, the first one I’ve ever let closer since I broke up with my ex, and he’s such a great person, I can clearly see that, but I’m really struggling to open up. There’s this big wall that I built all around me, so I will never get hurt again, mainly because as you said I don’t trust my judgment anymore, and I’m scared I’m missing red flags again, or just that this is a trap all over again.
He deserves a chance, but my emotional part is not able to relax and enjoy it all, even if I would like to.
Reading your story was exactly what I was looking for today, and I hope I can find my way to new trust and love, like you did.
I’m so glad you freed yourself from an abusive relationship. Take it slowly, day by day. Try not to project your fears onto him. Watch what he does and if his actions match his words, then he is genuine. For example, if he says nice things and treats you kindly. Let him in little by little, only as much as you feel comfortable with. You deserve happiness.
Hi Vivian, thank you for your words of encouragement dating someone new and the signs to look for. I took a chance on dating a guy after being single for 7years … I later discovered he has a narcissistic personality (love bombing fast forward cheating) … the problem I now have is I was in a sexually abusive relationship 23years ago with a very abusive narciss…this was my 3rd relationship (sexual) I was in ..I’m 42 years old..I’ve recently met another kind man..he is a good father to his 4year old (his wife died ,8 yrs ago) ..he is truly patient and grounded financially stable..but I now fear if I might not feel the safe and comfortable feeling of sexual experience I had with my ex (3rd last relationship I was in) .. how do I know I will be okay …I never had any akward experience or unsafe feeling while having sex with my ex ..I loved every minute with him …after we broke up I started getting night terrors of the sexually abusive relationship I was in when I was ,17 …how do I cope with all this going into a new relationship… I really need some advice because I want to make future relationships work .. I have a 7 year old and she really likes him and love his little girl hoping she will become her little sister..he treats m Py daughter like his own..I am beautiful and attractive but I fear I have a very low self esteem and need to work on it to not fall for the same men as before..but how do I know this man is really right for us?
The most important thing is to get help and support to heal you. Sexual abuse is a trauma that can impact you in many ways. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
In regards to this new relationship, if his actions match his words eg – if he is actions are kind and respectful along with his words, then you can trust him. Take things slowly and only go as fast as you feel safe and comfortable with. If he is a good man and knows your past he should respect this. With time and help and support you can heal and build a new relationship full of love and trust. It took time for me to do this. I tried to push my new husband away at first at emotional availability scared me. But slowly I built my self-esteem and trust in him. I am so happy you may have this possibility of a new life and relationship too.
Hi, I was in an abusive relationship for 13 years from the age of 17. We had three kids together. He was verbally abusive, isolated me and was physically abusive at times. I got out about 2 1/2 years ago. I created a safe, normal life for us. I’m successful and independent. I waited 1 1/2 years before dating. I am in the 2nd relationship that has made it to 5-6 months. They were both good, caring, respectful men. Nothing ever showed me otherwise. I got to a place of complete negativity, irritation and overall wanting to bail at about the same timeframe. I broke the first guy’s heart and feel me getting close to doing the same to the current boyfriend. I do feel love towards him and from him. His actions have always showed care and great intentions for me. So how to know if it’s not the right guy or if I’m just not ready for a relationship? I’ve told him where I’ve been at with things a few times now. He’s giving me space. I just don’t feel positive at all in our relationship or when we are together. I feel like I may just be sabotaging it. It confuses me to think I want a long term, loving relationship and when I have someone in front of me wanting to give it to me, I don’t want it.
I felt the same. It’s a fear of emotional availability and abandonment, so we sabotage the relationship before they ‘find us out’ and leave us. If his actions match his words and he treats you kindly and with respect then I say you may trust this person. I would suggest getting help and support to work on yourself. Building self-esteem and a strong sense of self-worth are key here. With support you can get through this and forge a loving, healthy relationship. I did. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Thanks for this article. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 16 years before we separated 3 and a half years ago. Up until April this year he came over every day to see our children. I thought I was being nice but finally got police involved. I started dating someone in June. He seemed kind and caring and liked to help me with things which was something new for me. Anyway he insisted he was in love quite quickly which I guess I should have seen as a red flag and I let my defences down. Fast forward a few months later and he dumps me out of the blue because he said he doesn’t think it will work with me having 3 kids. I am devastated and I can’t seem to get those old tapes about me being so ugly and stupid out of my head. I’ve internalised his rejection as being my fault and can’t seem to get out of it. It’s like everything my ex said about me must be true.
What your ex said was not true. You are worthy, beautiful and lovable. I would consider getting help and support to work through this and to understand codependency and how it affects us and why. It’s important to focus on you and building your self-esteem first, before dating again. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency.
Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
So I have been dating someone for 5 months but I continue to self sabotage, I am so scared of being heart broken and I constantly feel I dont deserve to be darting him
Any advice would be wonderful as I dont want to push him away
My advice would be not to date at all, but to focus on working on yourself. Only when you are whole within and your happiness doesn’t depend on someone else are you ready for a healthy relationship. Until then you risk repeating the pattern and going into dysfunctional relationships. Self-esteem, self-worth are key. I’ve written about this here: Self-worth: why self-esteem and self-love matter: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/self-worth/
I left my abusive ex nearly 2 years ago. It took me 2 years to leave so it was ‘over’ 4 years ago. I moved into the spare room and put a lock on the door. I lived like that for 2 years till I could get out. I still deal with ‘post separation abuse’ as we are required to co-parent and even the best plan to minimise contact is not perfect. Plus we’re soon due in court for the ninth time 😞 as this is the only way to get through his continued sabotage. My life outside of that is good. I have a good job, good friends, the kids are doing well considering. I’ve started to think about dating but feel like it’s really ‘expensive’. That is, the time and energy required to a) find someone – with all the false starts/dead ends b) maintain a relationship, feels like more than I can afford. Now, a lot of my ex’s abuse was about keeping me too exhausted to function and I’m thinking – ‘Is this just more of the same? He keeps putting the squeeze on and I have to live a very narrow life just to keep going? In which case, screw that!’ But on the other hand, kids/job are my priority and I *don’t* have a lot of energy. Another consideration is my ex is there and anyone I got seriously involved with would have that in their lives, even if it’s just a little. I don’t want to do that to anybody. My ex is vindictive and devious and he’s a cop. Not great. I honestly wonder if I need to forget dating until the kids leave home (only 10 years!). I would say I have good self esteem and have done a lot of work in therapy so it’s not about fear of being abused again, it’s just how can you fit it into your life? (Btw my ex has a new partner – moved on almost instantly – but it doesn’t affect his patterns towards me and the kids also social services are involved but he has them fooled so it’s useless). I guess what I’m saying is can people find love when your abuser is still around? I feel like the answer is ‘no’ but that seems unfair as I have fought so hard to get my life back as far as I have and there’s not really any more I can do. But it’s not just about me, it’s also about the other person (not to mention the kids who need me to be their rock if their dad is still doing weird stuff) so maybe it’s selfish to want a relationship.
It’s not selfish at all and I believe the answer is yes. We don’t need to know all the answers, as they will come when the time is right and we are ready to know them. Keep doing what you are doing for now, which is to focus on putting your needs first, working on yourself to maintain a strong sense of self-worth and finding happiness within, with or without a partner. Navigate through this difficult legal time as that is a lot to deal with. Take one step at a time. Then when you’re ready you could dip your toe back in the dating water again. Making sure if you see any red flags or warning signs early on, you maintain strong boundaries and walk away. Never settle for anything less than you deserve. There will be someone who is strong enough to support you in the face of your ex. For now, take one day at a time.
I had been merrier and with this man for 10 year. I had been trying to or wanted to leave, I guess actually throughout the whole relationship, but activity for the last two years, but I didn’t know how. Well, I finally did 6 months ago.
Per the advice of a therapist, I decided to just start talking to men. In hopes that I could see, there are good men out there. Well, I started talking to men on line. Things went well and after only a week, there were two decent men that I equally liked. The first one asked me out and I quickly shut it down. After the second one, I did the same thing. I was supposed to meet him for coffee today, and I freaked out, and cancelled. But I was devastated, I really wanted to meet him. I had been upset and cried over. I thought to myself what is wrong with me. I don’t even know this man, why am I so upset. He, was bummed, but handled it in an understanding way. I didn’t give him details, except that I had too much personal stuff going on. I was so impressed that, I asked him, if I could contact him in the future, to see where he was at, as far as open to seeing me. And he said, yes. And left it at that. So after trying to figure out why I was having such intense emotions over someone I’ve never met. I came across this article. It was eye opening in helping me understand why I felt this way. I’m going to continue to do some personal work, and then hopefully reschedule the coffee date. He in the most unelaborate way, impressed my by how he responded. He could have been a jerk but wasn’t. Thank you for your help.
I’m glad this has helped. It is frightening dating again after abuse as it is hard to know if you can trust your own instincts. Focus on healing you first. You might also like to join my Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveYouChooseYourLife/ or schedule a breakthrough call with me: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/apply/