How do you not let people get under your skin?

Choose how you respond to them.  Don’t react.

You’re reacting when you let your emotional inner child take over as the driver of your life.

We all know what a 6-year-old driving is like!

Difference between the words react and respond

Most of us react to things without thinking. It’s instinctive.

But often our reactions don’t benefit us, or the other person either.

They get in our way.

Someone does something that bothers us, we react with annoyance without thought.

A sibling pushes one of our buttons, we cut them off and erupt in a huff.

Reactions are driven by instincts and emotions.

They’re immediate, unconscious.

They don’t give balanced thought to the long term impact of what you do or say.

Responses, on the other hand, are chosen.

They’re determined by your more rational, higher adult Self.

Not hijacked by your emotional inner child. Stop giving your energy away.

Choose your response.

The key difference between reacting and responding is time.

The gap between a reaction and a response can make a huge difference in your life.

I call it responsibility or response-ability:

The ability to respond how you choose.

That is what healthy adults do.

How to not let people get to you

The next time you react to something be aware of it.

See the effect it has on you or your situation.

Was it helpful to you or get in your way of connecting to someone in a meaningful way?

Once you’re aware of your reactions, you can change them.

You can quieten your emotional inner child and say:

It’s okay I’ve got this. You can let go of the wheel now.

Don’t be affected by others’ behavior

This is how you do this:

1. Take a few deep breaths before responding

Create a gap. Think about what you want to say.

Then choose how you respond.

If you’re a people pleaser who’s instant reaction is to say yes to everything, even when you want to say no, try this:

I’ll think about it

Give yourself time to create the response that is right for you and your wellbeing.

2. Respond based on your core values and belief system

Try not to base your response on how you think others will feel.

Or what they might think of you or how you fear they may judge you.

People pleasing will never allow you to reach your greatest potential.

Instead, choose your responses based on what is right for you.

Good for you and your wellbeing.

What is true to your core values and belief system and aligned with your most authentic self.

3. Take emotion out of it

Reacting is emotional.

So is aggressiveness.

Passive-aggressive behavior can be manipulative too.

This means taking all emotion out of it.

Owning how you feel and without apportioning blame.

I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree.

This is a calm assertiveness.

It means sticking to facts, not feelings.

Respectfully telling others how you wish to be treated, by setting clear boundaries.

When you say things like that I feel you’re disrespecting me. I’m happy to discuss this at a later date when you calm down.

There are of course times when responding versus reacting is extremely difficult.

Like when I was in an abusive relationship.

Narcissists will do everything to push you to react.

They need to.

So they can twist the focus and blame onto your reaction and away from their abusive behaviour.

They want you to look like the bad guy, so they can play the victim card.

This manipulation over time is why our own behavior often deteriorates in these types of relationships and we become someone we’re not.

Some people want to drag you down to the emotional level.

Marketing people are experts at tugging our heartstrings to get us to make an emotional impulse purchase!

But reacting emotionally is never going to serve you.

This is is why space is so important.

Stop reacting

Breathe

Give yourself enough time to make a rational choice.

Respond.

Don’t react.

That’s one important way to take your power back.

We can’t control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we respond to things we can’t control.

– Avis J. Williams