How abusive relationships change you

Lying, gaslighting, projecting their toxic behaviour onto you. Belittling you and blaming you for their behaviour.

These are some of the manipulative tactics narcissists use.  They hide their true intentions and end goal, which is to control you.

At the heart of a narcissist lies someone who is actually insecure. The other end of their self-inflated sense of ego is a lack of self-esteem.

They fear others will find out what they’re like and leave them.  To avoid this they do everything in their power to control their partners.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic type of person, they’ll stop you leaving.   They do so by convincing you you’re to blame for their behaviour.

They don’t encourage a partner to stay with them by being loving and kind, like a healthy person does.  Instead, they coerce them with their insidious methods.

[bctt tweet=”Narcissists are masters at reading people.  They spot those of us they can manipulate.” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

They prey on those of us who have an enormous amount of strength and empathy.   More than enough for them.

They seek partners who are likely to put others before themselves.   Those who are hungry for love or desperate to feel wanted and needed.

Often we have come from homes in which we’ve not learned how to set strong boundaries.

We’re used to adapting.  We’re prepared to do so, instead of getting up and leaving a dysfunctional relationship.

Narcissists are also brilliant at creating an illusion of a deep connection with us.  When they love-bomb us first, they’re brilliant at faking a perfect future together.

They’ll also share enough of their vulnerable side for us to feel sorry for them.  and to want to rescue and take care of them.

They’ll say things like:

I’ve finally found the person I’ve been looking for for so long

They make us feel great, wanted and special.

Then the mask slips.

We get blamed for their bad behavior.

We start to become obsessed with trying to work out what’s happened.

How have they gone from this beautiful loving, caring person who knew exactly what to say to make us feel good?  To this nasty one?

When they explain it away to their tough past, we become obsessed with trying to rescue them from it.  Make things better for them and us.

When they say their bad behaviour is a reaction to something we’ve done, we try to understand what that is.  We are desperate to change it, so as not to see this abusive side again.

When I was going through this it became a quest and an obsession that turned me into someone I wasn’t.

I started to behave in ways I’m ashamed of today.   It wasn’t who I am.  I don’t recognise myself back then.

How does an abusive relationship change you?

[bctt tweet=”Some of the signs you’re in a narcissistic relationship, you can see in yourself.” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

You’re jealous

You may not have felt jealous before, but now you do.  I was never a jealous person.  Then I was finding myself crazy with jealousy over other girls my ex was getting attention from.

When he’d disappear for days, I was obsessed with wondering where he was and what he was doing.

I was desperate to work out what I had done, I twisted myself in knots trying to change my behaviour to try to please him.

That’s not me.

One thing to note is that narcissists are brilliant at setting the scenes they want. They may use a tactic called triangulation.  This is where they bring somebody else into the equation.

It could be a relative, or a new friend.  They tell you how this person agrees with them.  It’s you who is crazy, you’re wrong when you say certain things about them.  Of course, they’re referring to your protests about their unacceptable behaviour.

They may hint at a relationship that unsettles you and makes you feel insecure.

If they fear they’re losing control of you, they might bring the threat of another lover into the equation.  They triangulate you in that way.

You start to feel jealousy, instead of doing what you should do and thinking:

I need to walk away from this abusive relationship

Worse, you’re now trying to prove to them you are worthy of their love.

If you’re starting to feel irrational jealousy, it may be a sign you’re partner is manipulating things.  So you feel unsettled in this way.

Obsessive behaviour

Another sign to look for is if you just can’t stop thinking about them. Your thoughts and behaviour start to border on the obsessive and even get in the way of your normal life.

You’re checking your phone, your e-mail or your social media every two minutes.   Turning away invites from other people to go to social events.  Even those you’d  like to go to, as you’re waiting for their call.

Forever waiting for or checking on them.  Your happiness depending on them is not a healthy type of behaviour.

Healthy relationships don’t leave you feeling insecure or anxious

Your emotions are all over the place

Another sign you’re in a narcissistic relationship is that you’re emotions are out of control.

You feel so unsure from one minute to the next.  You’re walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect.

You’re becoming unstable and irrational because of this constant state of high alert.

You do things you would never normally do to please your partner, to get them to pay a little attention to you.

You want them to be happy, you don’t want to get that dark side of them again.

But, you have no idea what’s coming next and you’re feeling like your life is completely out of control.

That’s not a healthy sign either.

Nor is feeling sick to the stomach at the thought you might lose them. This makes you stay, even when you know you shouldn’t.

In healthy relationships, it’s not about control – where one person controls the other.  It’s about equality.

There aren’t those intense highs and lows that lead you to walk on eggshells.   You don’t feel sick with love.

[bctt tweet=”Healthy relationships are a calm and stable.  They operate on an even keel.   ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

You don’t feel knots in your stomach and your emotions are out of control.

Stalking them

Another sign is you’re stalking them or tracking them.

You need to know what they’re up to and why they haven’t called.  Where are they when they aren’t with you?

Tracking their social media is your obsession.  You’re sneaking looks at their mobile phone.

You’ve become paranoid or obsessed about something you may suspect they’ve done before.

Now you’re trying to find the evidence, so you can confront them with it.

Ask yourself:

Is this a healthy way to behave?

It’s not.

You’re isolated from family and friends

Are you starting to cut yourself from family and friends as you fear what your partner will say?

Or that it will  will provoke their anger.

Have you stopped talking about your relationship to friends and family?

Is this because deep down you know what they’re going to say?

They’ll tell you this relationship is no good for you and not a healthy one.  But, you’re not ready to hear this.

If you can’t be honest with those who are closest to you, love you and who have your best interests at heart, who can you be?

If you’re starting to hide the truth from them, I would question whether youre in a narcissistic type of relationship.

I did all of the above and I’m not proud of some of that behaviour.

I used to over-analyse everything my ex said or did.

I felt jealous of other women.  I twisted myself in knots trying to keep him happy.

When I finally left him I was obsessed with what he was doing and who he was seeing.

I convinced myself he was happier without me. It was all my fault after all.

I don’t even recognize who I was then to the person I am now.

This is not healthy behaviour.

[bctt tweet=”Your happiness should never depend upon another person. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

If the one you love is leaving you in a constant state of anxiety and pain.  If they’re manipulating you to feel more confused and hurt, then you need to question what sort of relationship is this?

Who is the person you are with?

People who are healthy don’t create anxiety in others.

Have a think about your own behaviour in this relationship.  Look at what that relationship is stirring up in you.

Is it healthy?  Is this really you? Do you deserve better?  

Is an abusive relationship turning you into someone you don’t recognise?  Are you losing your sense of self?  Let me know in the comments below.