Tony Robbins got it wrong
Life Coach Tony Robbins has apologised after making a comment on the #Metoo movement.
He said some are using it as a drug to ‘gain significance, by attacking and destroying someone else’. He did this at one of his events.
I watched this video and it’s clear to me he was victim-blaming. Not to mention how he then intimidates a woman who calls him out for it, by aggressively walking towards her.
He’s a big guy and she is a sex abuse Survivor. He even blames her for her appropriate response of trying to push him away.
And goes on to say that men he knows will hire a man over a pretty, more qualified girl. They have told him it’s ‘too risky’. As though, again, she to blame if her boss sexually harasses her.
I felt queasy too, when I saw one scene in his documentary ‘I’m not your Guru’. He was bullying another vulnerable woman. He is definitely not my Guru.
Are you a victim of victim mentality?
[bctt tweet=”Tony Robbins got it wrong, but are you a victim of victim mentality? ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
But, there is a conversation to be had about Victim Mentality, which perhaps he was trying to touch on and failed?
One of my followers, and former online video course students, posted this article in my Unbeatable Facebook Group. It says:
In terms of your health, happiness, and deepest values, one of the worst things that can happen is to live with a resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive partner.
The worst thing you can develop, in terms of your health, happiness, and deepest values, is an identity as a victim.
Instead of wallowing on the abuse you’ve suffered and the actions of your partner, it’s better to focus on your strengths.
This woman said she found the article helpful, as a reminder not to focus on the abuse her ex-husband subjects her to. As I teach in my online courses, she can’t change him, only herself.
But, another follower in my Unbeatable FB Group said she didn’t agree.
She finds it helpful to read up on how narcissist’s abuse you, to remind herself she’s not going crazy.
It was gaslighting and other manipulative tactics she experienced. Not her fault.
I agree, knowledge is power. It’s complicated.
When I was recovering from an abusive relationship I read everything I could get my hands on. To learn what had happened to me and why?
How I couldn’t change him, but needed to work on my self-esteem and heal.
So, there’s nothing wrong with that.
But, as this article also says, I do recall feeling like I had lost myself in the relationship.
[bctt tweet=”For a long time, I wallowed in being a victim, blaming him for everything. Then, I realised this wasn’t going to free me from it or him. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
I learned that I was spending all my time trying to save him, fix him. Trying to change my behaviour in the hope it would make him change. That he would one day become that fantasy person he was promising me he’d be.
But it was never going to happen. The abuse would only get worse.
So, I decided to take my focus completely off him.
I worked on myself. Why was I attracted to and feel sorry for a man who hurt me? Why did I stay, even after abuse and he almost killed me? I had to take my power back.
If I examined my own flaws and worked on me, then I had the power to change. It was inside me.
Once I changed, built my sense of self-worth, the rest followed. So all those self-help books and articles did help.
But there is a fine line.
I have noticed in some FB Groups dedicated to domestic abuse recovery, there is a victim mentality.
The tendency to start every conversation with ‘he this’ or ‘she that’. And, at times, a bitter resentfulness to the way they call their ex-partners the ‘nex’ (narcissist ex). Or other negative names they use to label them.
I don’t blame them.
Many are going through extreme abuse and nasty court battles, I understand it. I’d be angry too.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling bitter and angry for any abuse you’ve experienced at the hands of another. That you don’t deserve.
It’s good to read everything you can about narcissists and the abusive tactics they use. To learn the dynamics of an unhealthy relationship and realise you are not to blame or going crazy.
Their methods are so manipulative it’s hard sometimes to recognise abuse for what it is, especially if it’s just verbal.
But, what I will say, is that if every conversation you have starts with: ‘he this’ or ‘she that’. If you focus on them, their behaviour and what you’ve been a victim of, then is the risk you might stay that way.
There’s a fine line between gaining knowledge, focussing on their behaviour and a victim mentality.
Read what helps you, learn what you need to about the dynamics of an abusive relationship, so you can change it. Then, focus on you.
Take your energy away from them, don’t stay tied to them as a victim. Put it back where it belongs. Onto YOU.
Once I got that I couldn’t change my ex. I could only change me. Once I took that wasted energy I was spending on blaming him and obsessing over his behaviour, then I started to heal.
Never forget what they have done to you, be angry about it by all means. No-one deserves abuse. But then try to let it go.
Start with You. Focus on you. Heal you.
Are you finding yourself stuck in a victim mentality? Focussing on them and not you? Let me know in the comments below.
For help and support you can find domestic abuse resources here.
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