Living with a narcissist. Why can’t I leave?
You’re living with a narcissist. You know they’re hurting you and no good for you.
You might be suffering emotional and/or physical abuse. Yet still you stay.
I know. That was me.
Why can’t I leave?
I used to wonder that, crying. Feeling pulled towards him at the first sign of kindness after abuse.
I love him, I thought.
I know to anyone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship this sounds insane. It is.
But it doesn’t mean we’re to blame.
I hate the question everyone asks:
Why do women stay?
Why do we stay in abusive relationships? Why do men for that matter, as they can suffer abuse too?
Those who ask that question clearly have never experienced how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship. They should try it after a narcissist has targeted them, set them up, groomed them and brainwashed them.
I know exactly why you can’t leave.
That question has a complicated answer. What irritates me about it – it’s victim blaming.
It’s saying:
If only they just got up and left, then they’d be fine.
The onus is on the victim to leave and if they don’t well then, they can only blame themselves. They deserve the abuse in some way.
That is wrong.
It’s a question only ever asked by those who’ve never been in an abusive relationship. I’ve been through one and it’s not as simple as that.
I didn’t fall in love with a violent man. I fell in love with a man who later turned out to be violent and there is a huge difference in that.
I didn’t know it when I met this charismatic, gorgeous man. A man who was funny, a great storyteller and who swept me off my feet, that he was going to become abusive.
I didn’t know that there were these invisible forces that were sucking me towards him. Into what was going to become a destructive and dangerous relationship. One I risked my life living in. But they are there.
I had no power to control or fight them.
[bctt tweet=”Abusive people target their victims like an animal would do its prey. Even if it’s unconscious. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
They choose those of us in whom they can detect a lack of self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth.
Someone who is more likely to put other people above themselves.
Those who are strong and have a lot of empathy. So much so they will put others’ needs and wellbeing first, above their own.
Someone easy for them to manipulate and control.
Soon after they’ve enticed you into a relationship with them, they start to test you. To see if your boundaries are strong or they can push them down.
It may be subtle at first. Just a glimpse of bad behaviour or a flash of their anger. No sooner do you see it, it’s gone. They’re wonderful and loving again. So you think:
Did that just happen?
If you bring it up they gaslight you, telling you you imagined it or are exaggerating. So you doubt yourself.
You think:
Perhaps they’re right? It was me who provoked it.
So you change your behavior, thinking if you do, you’ll not see that anger or behaviour again. You can control it.
But what has happened, is they’ve tested you.
Instead of walking away thinking:
That behaviour is unacceptable to me
You believed it was your fault, excused it and stayed.
They’ve asked:
Is this someone who will accept the blame for my behaviour? Or anything else that goes wrong in our relationship?
The answer, to them, is:
Yes
You’re the perfect person for them to brainwash and manipulate. So, they will now start to groom you.
That is by using manipulative tactics such as gaslighting. Or, setting unwritten rules they expect you to live up to, but you never can.
Just when you think you’ve worked out what they are, they shift the goal posts – over and over again.
You’re left walking on eggshells, never knowing what will make them angry.
They isolate you from the safety net of family and friends. Those who can tell you they’re behaviour is abusive. And tell you you deserve better.
They use these manipulative tactics to keep you off guard. Also to instill fear into you.
Even when they’re being nice to you, you know the repercussions of not keeping them happy.
So, you keep changing your behaviour. Doing everything you can to keep the peace.
You’re shouldering all the burden of that relationship. That’s exactly what a narcissist needs and wants you to do.
Narcissists have an inflated sense of entitlement and ego. It’s all about them, their needs and nobody else’s.
If they start to fear they’re losing control over you, then they will go into a narcissistic rage.
Control is what they need to feed off you, to make them feel good.
This is where the abuse becomes severe. When they can be at their most dangerous. When they fear they’re losing you.
It’s when 75 percent of murders or injuries happen. When someone – usually a woman – has recently left or leaving a violent relationship.
They’ll also start smear campaigns. To make sure everyone else knows you’re the crazy one, not them. They are the victim, not you.
Or they’ll bring others into the equation, known as triangulation.
Their mother, for example, or the hint of a new lover.
She agrees with me, you’re exaggerating
…they’ll say. Or make you feel insecure they’re about to have an affair.
And reinforce it is you who is to blame, not them. You’re the one who’s ruined the relationship.
So, blaming a victim is wrong, as is asking that question:
Why don’t they just leave?
Leaving a narcissistic relationship
Why do women or men stay in these abusive relationships? Because leaving a narcissistic relationship is like cutting the chord to the person’s whose brainwashed you.
When you’re in that abusive cycle of manipulation, denial too, is a powerful thing.
Not to mention the unhealthy addiction you develop for them.
When the nice-nasty-nice cycle leaves your self-esteem in tatters. When you’re left craving the nice side like a drug. And the only person who can make you feel good again, is the person who has just abused you.
You have a lack of self-esteem and a belief now you deserve their abuse. You are powerless to control things. It’s impossible to leave.
In your mind, the pain of leaving is now greater than staying.
It’s tough to leave an abusive relationship. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
[bctt tweet=”When you leave, a narcissist will manipulate you all the more. Firing all their guns at getting you back. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
They suck you back in with such a strength it is difficult to fight it. I know, I’ve been there.
As long as you believe you’re to blame and accept responsibility for a narcissist’s behaviour. You will remain in that cycle of abuse.
You’ll also risk losing your life.
Emotional abuse recovery
You’re not to blame.
They’ve brainwashed you. You’ve stayed because you were groomed and manipulated into doing so.
They targeted you for having low sense of self-worth, but that is something you can change.
You need to accept the fact your relationship was never about love, but control. That’s not a healthy one. And that you can’t change them.
Although it hurts like hell to leave – and for awhile they will make you feel good again. A relationship based on control will not bring you long-term happiness or unconditional love.
Get help and support to break this addiction, you can’t do this alone. Muster every ounce of strength you can to take the first step. Get away from any relationship like this.
The longer you stay, the more isolated and manipulated you will be. And the abuse will only get worse.
If you are living with a narcissist and finding it hard to leave. If you have recently left an abusive partner, but struggling to get over the pain. Or, feeling compelled to go back as you still love them. I designed my online video course especially for you. It’s the steps I took to break that cycle. I’ll hold your hand through it and give you the strength and courage to leave. Find out more here.
For help and support you can find domestic abuse resources here.
Are you living with a narcissist? Are you finding it hard to leave? Let me know in the comments below.
Hi i found your website so helpful for me to understand my situation. Been with my partner since i was 15, im now 32. We have 3 children. I have grown strength to leave my domestic abusing partner. We are still living at the same house as he refuses to leave, cause we hold a joint tenancy and law states he doeant have to leave. I just want him to leave me alone to get on with my life. We seperated in nov last year. I feel empathy for this man. Maybe im mistaken! Maybe hes not the man i think he is? and need question answered. Does he know hes been mentally abusing me for 16 years? Is it planned? Why does he doe this to another person? Is it me ? What has caused him to be this way? Does he even love me? Has he ever loved me? Im struggling with these questions. Why was i so in love with this man and let him behave this way to me? Its almost like a light has switched on for me and i can see everything so clear. This feels like its happenened over night, i would please him one day and a incident happened where i caught him going through my phone which was the final straw. He could never trust me and was raged with jealousy. I just keep asking these questions to myself over and over again.
I feel empathy for this man and very angry with myself. I dont know who i am? I dont know what i like. I feel so empty as a person.
Hi Charlie, I’ve responded directly to your message you sent me via email. I’ve sent you posts/videos that will explain why you feel this way. I hope they help.
Hi Charlie, I remember the exact moment the light switched on for me too. That’s the first step to recovery. When we stopped denying abuse and start realising we need to put ourselves first. So, well done for taking that step.
Now all these feelings will come to the surface. You’ll feel sorry for him, you’ll doubt yourself, you’ll feel angry at him and yourself. Let them come and feel them. It’s better than staying numbed to any emotion.
You are not to blame. You are not mistaken. Trust your gut that this man is no good for you and don’t doubt yourself.
Narcissists and abusive types of men can’t love in a healthy way. They are insecure deep down and need to control someone else to make themselves feel good. I don’t believe it is conscious, that they plan it or know what they are doing. But, it’s about control, not love. We’re attracted to them as we are insecure too. Our emotional baggage matches and feels right, if that makes sense. This video/post might help explain it more: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/why-do-women-stay/
And this one: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/nurturing-your-inner-child/
In your direct message to me you said you are seeking help and support. I’m glad you’re doing that. You also say you don’t know who you are anymore and feel lost. You can get you back, I promise. Just take one step at a time. For now that means focussing on you and your children. Looking after your needs and wellbeing. Taking your energy and focus off thinking about him. It’s about you now and your recovery. Let them guide you through this process. You can do it. I was a single mother with a one year old child, so I know it’s possible. There is life after abuse too. It’s waiting for you. So no more doubts, trust your gut, let go and keep moving forward.
Hello… I feel your pain and our story is very similar, however I stayed in the relationship for 40 years. I was 16 and now I’m 55. I filed for divorce a year and a half ago. It was the most heart wrenching, excruciating pain I have ever felt. But the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done for myself. Honey he’s not gonna change, and there’s one thing I want you to know it is not you and it is not your fault. Educate yourself all that you can about narcissistic and toxic relationships. But the one thing I want you to do is realize those children come first and they are witnessing and learning every day about a toxic relationship from a toxic father. You need to get out. There is no other explanation. I have to tell you when my children reached teenage years they were telling me to divorce their father. They simply said mom he doesn’t treat you right and you deserve better. But I went on for another eight years . And it just got worse. There are resources out there that can help you like this website. Educate because knowledge is everything. Get yourself into counseling now. You are strong you are courageous and you deserve better . Do not confront your narcissist just work your way to get out of this relationship. If there is any kind of domestic physical violence call the police immediately make a report and get a restraining order. That will get him out of the house. God bless you sweetheart .
Wise words, thank you. I am so glad you found your freedom.
I believe I have been in a relationship, if that’s what you want to call it, on and off for about 5 years with a narcissist. I have known him for pretty much my whole life. I have been telling myself that he loves me, deep down he loves me. Well he passed away 4 days ago and I am finding out so much about him that I didn’t know. It’s heartbreaking. I was absolutely nothing to him. I am so hurt and devastated. I don’t know how to cope with any of this. I love this is man and he never cared about me at all. I am do lost. I dont understand how someone could be so cruel to another human being like that. I need some guidance on how I am to deal with all of this and move forward with my life.
I’m sorry for what you have discovered and your pain. I would suggest getting help and support by calling one of these free and anonymous helplines. I’ve listed helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ Also reading every self-help book you can that will help you to make sense of it all. Best self-help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I thank god for this kinds of posts, the opened my eyes to my being in love and in a relationship with a narcissist. Over the course of 6 years he has manipulated me into believing that I’m stupid, ugly and not worth anything. I’m Mexican and despite not seeming like a macho at the beginning of the relationship he really is, he won’t let me dress a certain way, go out with male friends, sometimes even females as well, and I’m writing this because I sneezed (and covered my mouth obviously) and he got so angry and violent in just a matter of seconds. I can’t keep on dealing with him, I know, I have, in an act of desperation, even confronted him about his narcissism, he has expressed both remorse and violence when confronted. Despite the fact that I love him, I know I MUST leave, but I really do feel a lot less smart, pretty, young, brave or capable than when I met him; I didn’t finish college because I couldn’t handle both my relationship and personal life, I lost all my friends for being an asshole to them (to appease him) and my family as well since all of them believe that I’m to blame for not leaving him, I do think it’s somewhat my responsibility too. I was 17 when I met him, 24 now. And I know I gotta leave him or risk losing my whole life to this, maybe even literally, since he has actually physically assaulted me, but it’s really very hard. He lives very close to me, we own together a small company which is where I get all of my income, and hell, I just really love him, I really do feel like there isn’t anyone who can help me but myself and that is as empowering as it is scary. Any advice will be very appreciated, sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes, English is not my native language.
I have a very dear friend who is married to a female narcissist. He has just admitted that he is trauma bonded to her . This was a huge step as for quite some time he wouldn’t believe the truth, and lies to cover her.( even after reading articles that he can’t deny – he still refuses to see the truth) He tells bits and pieces to different friends so that no one can put together the complete story. He has a wall up that he opens very rarely, and not for long. He is very lost, very controlled. He has an empathic personality. How do I help him?
It’s so lovely you care so much for your friend Karla and I know how hard it is to sit back and watch what looks to you like self-destruction. Sadly, no matter what you say, I’m afraid he won’t listen until he is ready to accept he has hit rock bottom and needs help. I was the same. Partly, due to shame, and partly as I thought I was strong and could fix things. But, it’s important to keep telling him you see what’s happening and will be there for him without question or judgement, if and when he needs you. It’s worth telling him there are places he can call confidentially for help. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ If you can, give him this film to watch as it clearly shows coercive control and how manipulative emotional abuse can be: ABUSED BY MY GIRLFRIEND https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SasV3dljq0M&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR2DhfeW4B16CG5q3ubMycrHjuRbNAMn-GsNCcLlG_LAlsKsDnGmiB7nA3Q
I am currently in a trauma bonded relationship with my husband. We have been together for 16 painful years with good stuff sprinkled in. I literally just found out about trauma bonds and narcissist traits, so I’m still sorting through how to process it all. This article is spot on. Most days I know I need to leave but he gives me just enough love bombing, at just the right time to keep me hooked. There is SO much to my story – I recently felt the call to write a book. But I need to figure out how to get there from where I am now. It’s all very overwhelming.