The 3 secrets I learned about men. The 3 secrets men need to get about women.

I’m the youngest of four girls. I had no idea of the secrets about men.  So, when my first son was born I had no idea what I was doing. I made it up as I went along.

When he was out of nappies and I stood him in front of a toilet for the first time, I was honestly like: ‘Am I supposed to hold it for him or what?’ I was flying blind.

I’ve since had the honour of raising two boys to adulthood. What a privilege that’s been, as it’s taught me so much about men.

This year it’s my 30th wedding anniversary with my husband. I’ve learned a lot about guy’s secrets from him as well.

The greatest thing these three gorgeous males in my life have shown me is this:

Men are two dimensional. I mean that in the nicest possible way, I swear.

It’s also made me realise how three-dimensional women are – read complicated. How sometimes we get in our own way.

When my husband and I first started dating I was your typical, insecure young girl.

The first second I’d see him I’d scan his face for signs, watch his emotions, judge his reactions. If he was attentive and interested, I’d feel reassured. If not, I’d worry what was wrong.

When we started living together, I’d be at him the second he came home. If he ever retreated into his shell for a while, I’d worry he was losing interest in me. I became a little needy, which would only push him further into his cave.

I remember one time when he was working insane hours. He was coming home in the early hours and went quiet during those weeks. I was pregnant with baby number two.

I thought he was avoiding me. He was no longer attracted to me. I became insecure. It led to arguments. Communication between us broke down. It was a difficult time.

Eventually, he came up for air and talked to me. He’s an architect and was in the early days of his career back then. It was his first management role.

His lack of experience led him to miscalculate the time and money needed on a project. It ended up being under staffed and crashing hard into a tight and important deadline.

He was stressed. He felt the pressure he was not living up to his new role. Thought he might fail me, as the bread winner, when we were about to have a second child.

‘Why didn’t you just talk to me?’ I said. ‘Tell me that?’ I would have stopped thinking it was about me. I could have supported him. Rather than adding to his stress, with my emotions and tears.

As we grew up together, these arguments repeated at various times over the years. Until I got it. And he got me.

These are the secrets I learned about men:

[bctt tweet=”The 3 secrets I learned about men. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

1. There are times men need to go into their cave.

Especially when stressed. They also need to build a fire and sit by it for a bit when they first come home from work.

Give them a little bit of time and space. It is not about us!

It took me years to stop jumping on him the second he came home.

He’d come out of his cave when he was ready. It usually doesn’t take long.

2. There is nothing going on in their head.

When we women over analyze: ‘What is he thinking? How is he feeling? Am I unattractive? Is he losing interest?’ We are projecting our own fears, emotions and complications onto them.

The chances are he’s thinking NOTHING.

[bctt tweet=”It’s hard for us women to imagine this. But, it is possible for men to have a blank space in their head.” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

This is why – when we get upset and grill them over what we imagine they might be thinking – they often stare at us confused. They may even try to make up an answer, grappling for something that satisfies, to keeps the peace.

It also takes little to keep men happy.

3. It’s all about gadgets, sex and sport.

Give my husband his cameras, iPad and photographic software and he’ll be happy as a pig in mud for hours on end.

If he’s not doing that he’s cycling, or training for an ultra marathon.

It’s all about Chelsea football matches, for the husband of one of my best friends. Even better if it’s with a nice Single Malt Whiskey in his hand.

When my eldest son was little I just had to ‘run him’ each day. Kick a football around in the park, burn off his energy. Then give him his Game Boy. It was simple as that!

[bctt tweet=”Men are beautiful in their simplicity. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

These are the secrets my husband has learned about women from me:

[bctt tweet=”The 3 secrets men need to get about women.” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]

1. Talk to us.

We don’t need you to morph into someone who emotes every second.

Just tell us if something is wrong and if so, what that is.

We need to know it’s nothing we’ve done, you still love us, it’s not about us.

A cold shoulder is hard to take. Silence sends our brains into overdrive. We don’t have a blank drawer in our heads.

You talk to us, we stop pushing you away. No need to retreat deeper into your cave.

2. Women need to vent. You don’t always need to solve it.

When we let our emotions out or cry over our fears, you don’t always have to fix it. Go into practical mode and try to sort the problem out.

Sometimes all we need is a hug. For you to say everything’s going to be alright.

3. Sharing a little goes a long way.

It’s okay, men, to be vulnerable at times. You don’t always need to be the strong one.

If you tell me you need some strength and courage, I can step in for a while. You’re not failing. You’re still a man. It’s okay.

It also doesn’t hurt to tell a woman how you feel sometimes. Not just: ‘I love you because I’m there aren’t I?’ In your practical way.

My husband still tells me I’m beautiful or that he loves me every second day. Men, take note, you will win mega Brownie points, as this seriously goes a long way.

Over the years my man and I have met in the middle and the arguments have gone away.

Once we got each other, our relationship went from strength to strength.

I give him the time and space he needs. But, if he retreats into it his cave for too long, I now ask: ‘is everything okay? Why are you so stressed?’

More often than not, he articulates this to me first. He also listens if am upset about something, gives me a hug and leaves it at that.

I support and encourage his passion for photography. And the time he needs to train for whatever is his next race. In March, I’ll be in the support vehicle, cheering him on, as he does a Vietnam mountain cycle race.

I live and let him live. He does the same with me.

If I’m the happiest and healthiest I can be, then I’m the best I can be for him.

If he is the happiest and healthiest person he can be, then he’s the best man for me.

My husband has now become a beautiful two-and-a-half dimensional being. And I’ve toned it down to become about the same.

He’s got his gadgets and his sport.

Yes I know, I’ve still left one of them out.  So, what about sex?

Come on! Are you kidding?

We’ve met in the middle, we no longer argue.

And a guy as fit as he is?  What do you think?

What secrets about men or women have you learned the hard way?  Let me know in the comments below.