Leaving a narcissist – why I had to let go of mutual friends and start over
Narcissistic abuse recovery means losing friends.
Although there are many painful aspects of leaving an abusive relationship, one of the lesser talked about, is the effect it has on your friendships.
I was ill-prepared for how many of these relationships I would need to let go of during my separation process.
Some of these people I dearly miss as they were fun, loving people to be around. But, I’ve had to accept this is for the best.
Allow me to explain the reasons why:
When you decide to leave somebody who has a narcissistic personality, you must be prepared for the fact that they will perceive it as a direct hit to their ego.
Rather than viewing the situation as a fault in the relationship itself with both parties responsible, they will perceive it as a straight-out personal attack.
The usual result is they spring into defensive mode and look for blame (because it’s never about them).
Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there and many abusive ex partners, including my own, put an extraordinary amount of energy into ‘making your life hell’ following you leaving them.
Punishment and power games are common, using children as pawns or bargaining chips, withholding finances and drawing out the settlement process is, unfortunately, a textbook narcissistic response.
[bctt tweet=”During the separation process, my therapist warned me my narcissist ex would go after my friends and family and do his best to poison them against me. She was right. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
I took her warning with a grain of salt, not really believing he would be so petty. But, I am sad to report she was 100%correct.
He rang my family, he rang my friends, he spread false rumours about me through town and to anyone who would listen.
He hacked my computer and sent personal emails to my family. He really went well beyond anything I could have predicted.
For the first few months, I expended a lot of energy in teary conversations with a group of mutual friends, to explain my point of view. To try to repair friendships I had cherished for years. Until one day I realized that I was running myself into the ground.
I was trying to salvage relationships that were being nurtured by me and poisoned by him in equal measure.
I was exhausted, emotionally wrung out, undernourished and on the verge of getting sick. I had to stop.
I made a decision to open up and nurture friendships with those whom approached me at this time. I’d stop chasing, stop trying to salvage, stop trying to talk as loud he was and stop trying to prove I was a good person, while he was dragging my name through the mud.
It was far too exhausting and in the end, it certainly wasn’t worth it. I knew in time my actions would speak volumes and that those who mattered in my life would stick close and others would fall away.
Instead, I tightened up the inner circle of those I love and trusted. I kept them close and I was very careful about giving energy away to anyone else at this time.
I culled at least 100 “friends” from my Facebook account. The ones I didn’t know if I could count on or trust at this vulnerable time.
If I felt the slightest bit judged or knew that they were spending time with my ex I had to walk away. I didn’t have the energy to fight for friendships. I needed non-judgmental love and support and not to be guessing where I stood with people.
Early on in our separation, I noticed a few “friends” who were there at the scene, hovering like ravens for information and gossip.
Not one of these people stayed around after things simmered down. They simply wanted to feed off the drama in the same way people get addicted to trash magazines or reality shows, but quickly move onto the ‘next thing’.
I let go of people we had hung out with regularly at dinner parties. People who had kids that played with mine, people who shared similar interests, women from my mothers group and even the mother of my Godson – this was perhaps one of the hardest.
Anyone who showed no support and I felt was judging me was gone.
Anyone who was spending more time with my ex or trying to swing between us like some kind of reporter covering both sides was gone.
I never asked anyone to choose sides. I just realized I needed to protect myself so I closed the ‘open door policy’ and let go of friendships, in the trust that only the true would remain.
I am happy to say years later, this was a wise decision.
I have beautiful and deep trusting friendships. They may be small in number but are rich in quality and I don’t have time for anymore. To be honest it’s hard enough to find time to nurture those I have.
Another added benefit of letting go was that it opened space for new friendships. People who didn’t know me as ‘the ex’.
This has been truly liberating because I’ve attracted new people into my life who are drawn to the better, stronger, wiser, more authentic ME. Rather than the crushed, desperate, unhappy version of me when I was in the relationship.
If I hadn’t let go I wouldn’t have created the opportunities for this new group of people in my life and I can tell already that they are ‘keepers’.
What initially felt so hard has brought gifts and honed my ability to choose friendships based on trust, support, love, and pure fun. In hindsight, it’s been a fabulous lesson.
Have you lost friends over leaving a narcissist? Have they created a smear campaign against you? Let me know in the comments below.
Guest writer: Anita Bronwyn Toi
Anita Bronwyn Toi is an empowered woman who made the difficult decision to leave her marriage. She remains in regular contact with her ex due to shared custody of dependent children. Anita has learned a great deal through meeting the challenges of this relationship. She hopes that by sharing stories and wisdom through her writing she may offer support to others.
You are right about losing friends. Even now, 2 years after our separation, I am finding myself disappointed in women who I once considered my best friends. They were so sympathetic and understanding at first but it’s like they don’t believe me now. My ex-husband is a narcissist with a lot of power in the community and he has no issues with using that power to get what he wants. I have found that some of these women have decided that they would rather side with him for the perks that come with being his friend. He not only ruined the way I see men, he has seriously affected they way I view everyone. It makes me so sad. My natural optimism has been shattered. I don’t think I will ever be the same person I once was.
That’s the sad part of relationships with these types, they poison others around us too. There are good people out there, I promise. Try to focus on you now and healing. Building your self-esteem so that you never accept anything or anyone less than you deserve.
For me it’s not the friendships. We relocated so many times because of his insecurities that the friendships I had were few and true. It’s the loss of my two daughters whom I lovingly raised and gave my all to. They witnessed much of the abuse yet have turned their backs on me. Years of being a career mother down the drain as if it never happened. They ask “why can’t you be a normal mother and say stop being a victim”. I’m praying that one day the see the truth and stop listening to his lies and manipulations.
That must be so painful, I’m so sorry. I firmly believe that truth will out. Walk a straight, honest line and never bad mouth him to them. They’ll work it out some day.
I was very relieved to find this article… I have felt so alone the past few months and since this has taken me longer to break free, people simply just dont want to hear about what goes on in my life. And I realized this is my test for setting boundries… And I’ve hated every second of it. Even more so now that I have been more grounded then I have ever been since my marriage unraveled almost 4 years ago. I have always been an extreme extrovert so this is overwhelming. I honestly do not feel like people know what the word friendship means anymore. And I have changed. I’m more introverted now and I just feel broken. My son feels like the only reason to keep going. I am not suicidal, just a crossroad I guess in my life? Sorry to ramble, I am just not sure how to absorb this while trying to find the strength to leave. Just as navigating my marriage still with a covert narcissist, I feel like right now, you can only take it day by day.
Thank you for everything you do! You have really helped me connect the dots over these years. ❤
Sorry to hear this Julie. I’ve sent you an email.
How wonderfully articulated. Nearly 12 months in and I’m finding this is still occurring. People I poured my soul out to and who I thought had my heat in theirs are still leaving. I’m learning to love those who have stood by me no matter what and fall in love with brand new friends. Thank you for this
yes. poisoned my relationship with people whom i thought were good friends. wasn’t invited to their house for an important religious ceremony in regards to the birth of their first son. i’ve been so excited for them. in private, it was the narc who made nasty comments about my happiness for our friend’s joy. and whom DID they invite to the celebration? yes, you guessed it. Him. the Narc.
gutted.
Our ex-boss had singled me out as working for his rival at times and after a secret war between “violence” and “non-violence” (me) he went in for the final kill – only to divulge his stalking and non-truths. Ever since then my former colleagues won’t come close, unless I happen to cross their path. That hurts, with some colleagues more, as they were allowed to do their job and get a promotion. I’m working at a smaller place and am satisfied, but I resent the bullying by an unintelligent envious monster.
Sorry to hear you went through that.
I lost the people who sucked me in, drank in the drama, swore blind that they had my back etc. My boundaries came into play and they didn’t like it. I now see their true colours and refer to them in my head as the “Bullsh*t Buddies”
I am experiencing this as well. I’ve learned to accept the loss and allow the narc to control the narrative. Much too draining to chase it down with my side of the truth. I still have yet to see an effort to “check on me” from my “friends”. I am slowly gaining peace.