I know what being addicted to & withdrawing from heroin must be like.   It’s the same as being in and leaving an abusive relationship.

The first time I laid eyes on my Ex it was as if he had sucked all the energy from everyone else in the room.  He was gorgeous.  He was charismatic. Narcissistic men (or women) can be charming at first and there is intense sexual chemistry.  They put you on a pedestal and sweep you off your feet.   You’re hooked on being with this intoxicating person.

But soon another side creeps in.  They become moody, they pick fights and it’s usually over something that ‘you’ve done’.  They excuse it to their difficult past.  Past partners have let them down. But you ignore these warning signs.   To you he’s still that charismatic person you first met. All they need is someone like you to take care of them.   And that makes you feel good.

But then they start to meter out the doses they give you. One minute they’re there, the next they’ll cause a scene, storm out in a rage and disappear for days. But the thought of never seeing them again terrifies you even more than how they are treating you. Hooked in by that charisma and sexual chemistry, you just can’t or don’t want to see the person they really are.  Love has blinded you.

When they reappear you’re relieved to see them again. It helps that the remorse now shown is equal to the severity of the latest abuse/physical attack. They say how ‘sorry’ they are and sob in your arms. They’re ‘ashamed’ of what they have done.

He (or she) admits that they need you more than ever to help them change.  And of course, this is music to your ears.  But this honeymoon period never lasts.  The physical abuse, followed by their remorse, repeats itself over and over, in a cycle.

This cycle of violence breaks you down, with its unpredictable highs and lows.  Any shred of self-esteem you have starts to erode. You feel worthless and almost deserving of their anger.  But you somehow rationalise it all by thinking that all they need is your love to fix them and make the abuse go away.  All you need to do is to love them more.

You don’t realise it, but your loving them has actually in itself become an addiction for you.  Their charisma and the sexual chemistry hooked you in. Now you’re addicted to an unavailable man (or woman) – one who is not there for you, who doesn’t care for you.  They may even be more focused on their own addictions – to alcohol and/or drugs.

You are just like an addict. If you admit that your life has become out of control and walk away, you’ll lose the very thing you are addicted to.  What you need to make you feel good again.   But at some point you will reach rock bottom – the abuse is extreme, they may have even tried to kill you.   Finally, you dig deep and find the courage to leave.

The withdrawal is as painful as weaning off heroin.   You’ve been numb for so long that a gamut of emotions now pour out.   But you need to feel these emotions, as painful as they are.  You need to thaw out.

Unless you look hard at why you were addicted to an unavailable person in the first place and work at changing yourself, you risk going back to them.  Or replacing them with another drug, in the form of another abusive man (or woman).   Either way, like any addict, you risk losing your life.

Are you struggling to leave an abusive partner, because you still ‘love’ them?  Let me know in the Comments below.

If you need further help or counselling, please refer to the following (or the equivalent in your country):

AUSTRALIA:  
1800Respect: 0800 737 732  https://www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 13 11 14  https://www.lifeline.org.au

UK:
National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service 020 3866 4107  http://paladinservice.co.uk

US: 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233  http://www.thehotline.org