Dating Warning Signs & Red Flags
I know a lot of you have recovered from or are well on the way to recovery from abusive relationships.
And that’s great!
But it is worth going over the dating red flags that tell you when to run, because even after you’ve recovered – even years after you’ve recovered – you can still be blindsided by covert narcissists.
Anything like your ex suddenly coming into your life and pressing old buttons again.
And what do you know? You feel drawn by this person and you can’t work out why.
If that happens you’ll be okay.
As long as you remember those warning signs that you once minimized, excused away and ignored when you first dated someone who was abusive.
If you always have these at the forefront of your mind, then you won’t fall back into the trap and repeat the relationship again.
A lot of you have said to me:
“All I want is a healthy relationship.”
“Why is it I keep seeing the same type of people. They’re just packaged a different way.”
“But the playbook is exactly the same. They are all the same?”
Honestly, it’s weird.
It’s like they’ve got this playbook!
Let’s go through the red flags and warning signs again.
So you never forget them.
Dating Red Flags Checklist
LOVE BOMBING
The biggest red flag is love bombing.
A healthy relationship builds gradually.
You get to know each other as friends and then you build that relationship and trust gradually.
In a relationship with a narcissist, it will be full-on very fast.
If your stomach starts to churn and you think: wow, this is coming too full-on, too fast and too soon, that is one of the biggest warning signs.
AGGRESSIVELY ROMANTIC
Another one is when they’re aggressively romantic.
By that, I mean they shower you very early on with a lot of almost unwanted attention.
Well, maybe not unwanted, but a little bit over the top too quickly.
They might say:,
“You’re the one I’ve been looking for.”
“You’re the only one for me.”
“I want to marry you and have your babies.”
They want to move in with you.
They’re aggressively romantic.
They’ll bring you lots of flowers.
Nothing wrong with flowers but if they bring you gifts and flowers and bombard you constantly with them…
I have one great example of an aggressively romantic partner.
I knew somebody who within the first few weeks of going out with him, went to his place and found that his walls were covered with photos that he’d framed of her and him.
He had taken those pictures within three weeks of going out with her.
HOW THEY BEHAVE WITH OTHERS
Another one thing to note is how they treat other people.
So, For example, when you’re first dating and you’re in a restaurant, if they’re really rude and disrespectful to the wait staff and are genuinely disrespectful of other people, then that’s a warning sign.
An even bigger warning sign is how they talk about their ex and if they are constantly badmouthing their ex.
You know the kind of, a ‘poor me’ pity party because:
“My ex was such a B ** C H.”
OVERSHARING
Another one red flag is when they overshare a lot at the beginning of the relationship.
They, pour out this sob story of a hard life and a difficult past.
Every relationship they’ve had has always gone wrong.
But! And this is key: they always blame everybody else in their life for their misfortune.
For example, if they’re bad-mouthing their ex, if they go on about horrible bosses who treated them badly.
If they’re disrespectful to other people, and are always blaming other people for what happens to them and their life.
That gives you a huge warning sign that:
A) they will be disrespectful towards you.
B) you will probably end up as the next ex they’ll badmouth and
C) they are not an adult who takes responsibility for their actions, their behavior, and their life because they just spend their entire time blaming everybody else.
Another way to be disrespectful towards you right at the beginning is if they make jokes.
BARBED JOKES
Nothing wrong with a sense of humor. We all want a date who is funny.
But if they’re quite cutting jokes.
For example:
“What does your mom look like?”
“I hope in ten years time, you’re not going to turn out, like some big fat whatever!”
This signals to you that they are going to body shame you if you’re not this perfect standard they expect.
Or, say they start to make cutting jokes, about your family, such as:
“You’ve obviously had a silver spoon in your mouth all your life.”
That too is a little bit barbed and it’s designed to unsettle you, but also test your boundaries.
It’s signaling to you that they have these standards that they will expect you to live up to.
If you don’t, then they will turn on you.
TESTING YOUR BOUNDARIES
Another big warning sign is if they play games very early on.
For example, they’ll keep you waiting on a date for half an hour but there’s no explanation as to why they’re going to be late.
There’s no:
“Sorry I am going to be there, but I am going to be late for (this) reason.”
They just don’t mention it and then turn up 30 minutes late. Or they just go on about.
Or they tell you:
“I’m dying to see you this weekend.”
“It will be fantastic.”
“I look forward to it.”
And you’re there waiting and they never call.
So, a huge red flag is the game-playing because that’s them testing your boundaries.
They’re testing to see what level of bad behavior you’ll accept.
THEY TALK THE TALK, DON’T WALK THE WALK
Another red flag is if they talk the talk but never walk the walk.
I always say:
“Don’t watch what these people say, watch what they do.”
There’s a great quote, I love it. You’ll know this, I’m sure.
Maya Angelou said: When a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them.
People show you who they are, the first time. Watch them.
Watch what they do, and if they’re saying to you:
“I can’t wait to see you this weekend.”
“It’s gonna be great.”
Then they don’t call.
Well, they’re full of talk.
That’s a polite way of dishing out B.S.
They just talk, talk, but they don’t walk the walk.
You don’t want a virtual relationship.
You want a real relationship with someone who is ready and willing to commit and have their actions match their words.
If their actions don’t match their words, then that’s a huge warning sign.
You want to get to the point where these red flags and warning signs are marked in your head and your alarm bell goes bing, bing, bing!
Warning you:
“This person is going on and on and on about their ex.”
“They’re whining and moaning.”
It’s a ‘pity party’.
‘Poor me’!
JEALOUSY
Another one is jealousy.
Subtle signs of jealousy at the start.
You might be on one of your first dates and somebody calls on your phone.
They’ve seen the name come up as a man. Or a woman.
Then they start grilling you with questions.
“Was that a past boyfriend/girlfriend?”
“Have you hooked up with them?”
If they inappropriately start showing little glimmers of jealousy. It could be jealousy about anything, say, your family.
They might start making barbed jokes with a touch of jealousy in them such as:
“You’re so mollycoddled by your family.”
“Haven’t you broken away from your parents yet?”
You might have a really close family, but don’t like that and they get jealous of it.
Or they start to say things about your friends, such as:
“We’ve only just met.”
“Can’t I have you to myself this week?”
“Do you have to go to your regular girls / boys night out this week?”
“I’d really love to have you to myself.”
This is actually a sign of jealousy.
It shows signs that they want to isolate you from family and friends.
That’s another very big warning sign.
ISOLATING YOU
They need to isolate you because that makes you weaker.
It’s like the animals in the Masai Mara in Africa. What do the lions do? They pick off a weak one and they isolate them from the pack, from the herd.
When you’re isolated, you’re much more vulnerable and susceptible to manipulation and brainwashing ed.
So Isolation is a huge warning sign.
IRRESPONSIBILITY
Another red flag is to look at how they act, or their general behavior.
Are they irresponsible?
Are they someone who just goes wild spending on credit cards when you know their job probably can’t afford that level of spending?
That is a warning sign that down the track, they’re going to be irresponsible with your money.
Are they someone who has an inappropriate, still clingy relationship with their parents?
There’s nothing wrong when you’re 34 and still live with your parents, especially in this era where it can be difficult to buy your own home.
It’s not the same thing, though.
If they have this clingy relationship and they tell you things like:
My mother thinks you are this,
My mother thinks that
That could be a sign that she’s going to become a flying monkey down the track.
You know, that weird clingy connection that says they haven’t really broken away from their parent.
PUTTING YOU ON A PEDESTAL
This is when they put you on a pedestal and set high expectations.
You’re this Madonna.
You’re unlike any girl (or guy) that’s gone before in their lives.
You’re the one they’ve been looking for, because every other girl/boy had hurt them, treated them badly and/or had affairs behind their back.
They put you on this pedestal, the Madonna.
Later they pull you down and you become the wh*re.
If you don’t live up to their perfect expectations of Madonna.
RECOGNIZE THE WARNING SIGNS
So the most important thing to do is remember.
When you went into an abusive relationship, you will have seen these warning signs.
We all know, if we’re honest with ourselves, that we’ve seen the signs early on when we first met that person who abused us.
START LISTENING TO YOUR GUT AGAIN
Those warning signs were there right from the start.
You minimize them.
You excuse them away. You think, oh, I really like them, except for that one little bit.
And you let that bit go.
You’d need to go back to trusting your gut as it’s there to protect you.
DON’T PROJECT YOUR FANTASY PERSON
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time and the way to do that is to just be still.
Don’t project onto somebody when you first date them or meet them all your hopes and dreams of the fantasy person you really wish that they’ll be.
Don’t project onto them.
Observe them and see them for who they are because they will show you right from the start.
If any of those warning signs start to stir your gut, listen to it.
Your gut has gone numb when you were in an abusive relationship as you stopped listening to it.
It doesn’t mean that it isn’t still there.
Sharpen that gut again and start listening to it because that is your biggest guide in life.
STRENGTHEN YOUR SENSE OF SELF WORTH
Self-esteem and a really strong sense of self-worth are crucial too.
When your gut tells you that this person is showing you all these warning signs and alarm bells go off in your head then, dig deep into that sense of self-worth and say to yourself: That is crossing the line of my boundaries.
I’m not going to accept that behavior.
DON’T BE A CO-DEPENDENT
Even if you’ve had years of recovery you can still have people come into your life who push your buttons and draw you back into a dysfunctional relationship.
You can be fooled by a narcissist in a shiny packaging that doesn’t look like a narcissist.
The wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I’ve had moments where somebody has come into my life and I’ve thought — Wow! You know, they’re quite attractive or charismatic.
And then I immediately know: danger, danger, danger!
That person is somebody who is not good for me.
If you were once co-dependent, there is a strong predisposition to be drawn back into that, if the next right person comes in and manipulates you enough.
ADDICTED TO LOVE
It’s a bit like a former addict. Even decades later you can be pulled back into that addiction.
Always be on guard. It’s good to keep that dating red flags warning list in your head.
STRONG BOUNDARIES
When faced with a narcissist, I know now it’s best to keep my boundaries strong, stay calm and not react to the person.
This shows him/her that I won’t accept unacceptable behavior.
This recognition and response has protected me in many aspects of my life.
It’s even meant letting go of one or two friends over the years, because the warning signs were there.
Keep those warning signs close to your heart.
Those red flags and warning signs that people will show you right from the start.
First Date Red Flags
If you are not projecting onto them who you think they are or minimizing them, excusing them away, you really will see them for who they really are.
Then you can make a very informed, rational adult choice as to how you respond to that.
If in the first few weeks of dating, or even on the first date, recognize those warning signs and honestly say to yourself if you see them:
I’m sorry. That’s not good enough for me.
Then walk away.
If you stay and keep minimizing or excusing them for unacceptable behavior, you’re wasting your time and energy on somebody who’s shown you already they’re not good for you.
If you’re wasting your time and energy doing that, you’re missing out on the opportunity of finding someone who is.
Don’t waste your time when the man or woman of your dreams could be out there still waiting for you.
Being mindful of this will protect you and allow you to only let in people who are going to uplift you, enhance you and bring out the best in you in your life.
Red Flags of Abusive Relationships
Even if you’re a long way down the track in your recovery from abusive relationships, keep that list of the red flags and warning signs in your metaphorical top pocket at all times.
Trust your gut when you see any of those signs and make an adult rational decision about whether you’re going to walk away if that person rings alarm bells.
Trackbacks/Pingbacks