Can a narcissist change?
I get asked this all the time. After all, it’s what we spend so much time and energy waiting and hoping for, isn’t it?
They promise you they will change. Especially after abusive behaviour. When they know you’re on the verge of leaving them.
You believe them as you hope so much that this time they mean it and it will happen.
But as soon as they suck you back in, they renege on that. The cycle of abuse starts to spin again.
Or, they tell us:
I said I’d change, but now you’re not being supportive enough!
In other words, shifting the blame away from their behaviour and back onto us.
Can a narcissist change?
They could change their behaviour, if they chose to do so.
But, not their narcissism. This is why it becomes so complicated.
Narcissists have deep, internal shame that comes from childhood trauma of some kind.
Their inflated sense of self and ego is a protective wall they have built. One that allows them to hide from avoid facing their true selves and feeling that pain.
Narcissists are self-centred. It’s all about them. All they care about is how others make them feel about themselves.
They’ll sabotage a relationship if you start to get too close to them. If you get too close to exposing them for who they are.
Vulnerability scares them. Revealing their shame may trigger a narcissistic rage.
Trying to change a narcissist
Telling them they’re behaviour is hurting you won’t make a difference to them. They don’t care about you.
Or have the ability to empathise with others and how their behaviour impacts on them. They see this as blame and they equate blame with shame.
Trying to use logic to appeal to them won’t work either. All they know is how they feel. That is their reality and it informs how they act.
They may not like their abusive behaviour. But they will justify in their heads that there was a reason for it.
You made me do it!
You made them angry, you made them lash out. If you hadn’t done X or Y, it wouldn’t have happened.
This is why we start to change our behaviour. Trying to affect a different outcome.
Waiting and hoping that if we do this then they will change as they say.
This is futile. Nothing you do or say will make any difference to them.
Don’t waste your time or energy. Life’s too short.
Do narcissists know they’re narcissists?
By the nature of narcissism itself it’s unlikely to ever happen.
For a narcissist to change means them accepting their behaviour is wrong.
They would have to admit accountability for it.
Rip their mask off. Face the truth of who they really are.
This means exposing themselves to their inner shame. The pain they’ve spent their lifetime trying to avoid. Feeling vulnerable.
That led to their narcissism and false sense of self in the first place.
Admitting fault, accepting the blame they’ve shifted onto you and others.
Then, spending years working on themselves (with professional help).
Changing habits embedded in childhood. Self-protective patterns of behaviour needed to anaesthetise their shame.
For there to be any hope of change in their behaviour.
It doesn’t cure their narcissism though.
I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting and hoping for this.
And what if they never change? Is this good enough for you for the rest of your life?
Are you waiting and hoping for a narcissist to change? Let me know in the comments below.
This is so true. I am now 3 months out of a horribly toxic relationship. Even as long ago as 2 weeks ago he was reaching out to me, breaking down in front of me about the abuse in his childhood I had forced him to confront by refusing to accept his behaviour any more. He cried, literally begged, threatened suicide and eventually lost control of his new “apologetic face” and assaulted me as I was was opening the front door to leave. I’ve been seeing a counsellor for a few weeks, and with her help am learning to not get sucked back into the cycle because as much as I hate to admit it – it’s the thought that maybe now I’ve forced him to change and he really will do it that haunts me the most. But I am coming to terms with the fact that I deserve much better, that he is mentally ill and it is not my fault nor my problem to fix. But my goodness is it a long journey!
I am so glad to hear you are getting support to stay strong. Keep going. It is a long and hard journey I know, as I have taken that toughest of paths myself. But I promise it will be worth it in the long run as you’re life will change for the better forever. What you have learned from this will only make you stronger.
Viv..some parts of this sounds like my ex functional alcoholic..r alcoholics narcissistists?
Hi, I am a qualified Psychotherapist and Counsellor.
Yes, Narcissists can be alcoholics and I have definitely worked with at least one Narcissist who was an alcoholic. I also know personally another Narcissist who is an alcoholic now (but wasn’t when I first met him nb I am not in a relationship with him, but am friends with him and his wife so have seen his narcissism and alcoholism first hand).
They follow the normal Narcissistic pattern with this in that their drinking is always someone else’s fault. From what I have observed, once the Narcissist realises that drinking too much garners people’s attention, especially those who care for them most, they seem to use this more than the average alcoholic for this attention seeking, controlling the other person and abusing them. Their abuse and behaviour becoming increasingly outrageous and they have the ‘excuse’ that they were too drunk to be responsible, too drunk to remember etc, thereby not even being expected to accept this was their responsibility. The Narcissist does not believe they are the ones that need to change, and this applies to their alcoholism, so the chances of them changing any destructive alcoholic behaviour are non-existent, despite (possible) ostensible agreement that it needs to change and (possible) promises that they will.
However, Alcoholism isn’t an intrinsic part of Narcissism and Alcoholics are not necessarily Narcissists. I have worked with people who are alcoholics and people who are narcissists that showed no signs of the other condition.
Thank you for your insight. I agree with you that the two are not necessarily intrinsically linked. I also found that with alcoholism they may create a drama/argument that sets up an excuse for them to storm off and go on a bender – ie. it is your fault that they did so.
I’m sure they could be. I don’t think the labels matter so much. It’s more important that you recognise unacceptable behaviour, red flags and warning signs that tell you a person or relationship is not good for you or your wellbeing.
I have been married to a cover narcissits for 9 years and I have two kids with her. I just discovered this and as much as I love her, I know I can not carry on with her. She cheat on me and had no shame about it or any empathy about the six months that I had lived a complete nightmare seeing how she was trying to get a new supply. I am worry about my kids more than I am for myself. How can I counteract the effects of her on my kids, now that I am separated? Any help? Thank you
Sorry to hear this. I’m afraid this is out of my area of expertise. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/