When you’ve grown up to think you’re not good enough confrontation is terrifying for you. Especially, if you were a people pleaser like me and morph into whatever shape you feel will get you the most approval. It’s no wonder when a narcissist or abusive person crossed our boundaries, instead of pushing back at them and saying no, we just let them shift the goal posts that little bit further.
This is what they do when they first meet us. Once they’ve hooked us in with their love-bombing, they test the waters. To see how strong our boundaries are. If they are healthy ones or not.
I didn’t even know there was such a thing as boundaries at all. My priority was putting other peoples’ needs and wants first and denying my own. After all, back then my sense of self-worth was gained by others approval, it didn’t come from within.
Setting boundaries, especially when you are not used to them is hard. It’s something you’ll really have to learn and work on, like I did. But healthy boundaries are fundamental to turning your life around. Once you can set healthy boundaries, you’ll not only be able to say no, this isn’t good enough for me when someone crosses them. You’ll also stop attracting those who seek out those they can manipulate.
Setting healthy boundaries is like Kryptonite for narcissists. Narcissists and abusers will detect your sense of self-worth is strong. You’ll no longer have an invisible ‘victim’ sign on your forehead, it will be replaced with a ‘don’t mess with me’ one instead.
Healthy boundaries keep you safe. They are a way to signal to others how they may treat you. What’s okay and what’s not okay in your relationship. They are about respect. Only you know what your boundaries are.
You may not even be aware you have one until it is crossed and you get that churning feeling in your stomach. Your anger starts simmering away inside. But one way to get a clearer picture is look at your relationship and write down on paper: what is okay and what is not. Which ones do you feel most uncomfortable when they are crossed?
It takes courage to set boundaries. Even harder is saying something when one of your boundaries has been crossed. Especially if you lack self-esteem.
When I was much younger I feared confrontation (those who know me now can stop laughing!). Conflict frightened me. There were times I was bullied or suffered misogyny. (What young woman going up the career ladder hasn’t experienced that?)
But the thought of standing up to that person, particularly if an older male, made my heart race. More often than not, I’d let something lapse and then stew over it, my stomach churning all night.
But once I developed self-esteem and found my self-worth, I had the confidence to confront those who crossed boundaries. I was terrified the first time I did so with a colleague who became verbally abusive towards me.
But by then I’d learnt that confrontation doesn’t have to mean aggression. If you are confident and stick to facts. Keep emotion out of it. If you remain calm when you state your ground. Maintaining boundaries doesn’t have to be confrontational at all. You just need to learn how best to address the person who has crossed them.
The three most common types of reactions people have when their boundaries are crossed are:
Passive
We allow the offensive behaviour, whilst quietly churning inside and feeling upset that we’ve been taken advantage of.
Aggressive
Verbally attacking an individual, for example, then storming out of the room.
Passive-Aggressive
This is aggressive but secretly hostile. Behaviour that appears passive, non-threatening, and socially acceptable, such as guilt, sarcasm, heavy sighs and fake smiles.
Passive-aggressive behaviour is designed to control and attack the other person in a subtle way that protects you from any overt responsibility or blame.
The best way to handle another person’s unacceptable behaviour is by choosing our behaviour instead. We can take responsibility – the ability to respond the way we choose – rather than just reacting emotionally.
Be assertive
This is when we have confidence to stand our ground, with compassion, not blame. You want to build, restore, or strengthen a relationship. Your goal is to have the other person willingly change their behavior, with respect to your boundaries.
The way to do this is to directly and calmly ask for the behaviour you would like. For example: “I’m happy to discuss this, but only when you can do so calmly”.
Make others aware of their unacceptable behaviour. People may not be aware that they are offending you. For example: “When you are consistently late, I feel like you don’t respect me.
Tell others what you need from them. People don’t automatically know what new behaviour you’re asking for unless you tell them. For example: “I need you to respect me by arriving on time”.
When the other person is too emotional to engage in a mature dialogue with you. If the other person is not receptive at that time, the best response is to leave and calmly explain why.
True serenity means your happiness and emotions are not dictated by others moods or behaviour. Whatever the reason they are behaving the way they are, it has nothing to do with you.
Accept that you can’t change anyone else. But you can control how you react to them and their behaviour. You can choose not to internalise it. If someone is jumping up and down and behaving in an irrational way, it’ll soon be obvious who is the emotional one and who is the crazy one!
You also don’t need back up or to have others to allow you to say: “you see, so and so agrees with me”, implying that means you are right. You don’t need another person to validate your opinion. If you’re wrong you can also be woman or man enough to admit it.
Setting boundaries is not about winning and losing. It’s about kindness and respect for both parties. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. So, teaching others what you will accept is key to establishing good boundaries.
Will you encounter resistance? Sometimes. But always be respectful, keep calm and hold your ground. You are worth it. The more you learn to do this, the more it will come naturally to you and the more respect from others you will get.
Two things that really helped me here were:
Firstly, thinking: What’s the worst that can happen?
I was terrified the first time I confronted that colleague who became verbally abusive towards me. I had to say to myself: ‘what’s the worst that can happen? He’s not going to hit me!’ Then I took a deep breath and told him his behaviour was unacceptable. I was happy to discuss things but only on a rational level and when he had calmed down. I was shaking like a leaf afterwards. But you know what?
Bullies are cowards. There’s nothing to fear. (But make sure you take all emotion out of the discussion. And don’t let them steer you that way). So, I stopped being afraid to say no.
Secondly, I stopped being afraid of not being liked, or how others perceived me. That’s not being selfish, but self-caring. You don’t have to be liked by everyone. This was another turning point for me. I was exhausted trying to please everyone. Wanting everyone’s approval. I was done with people-pleasing.
I figured that as long as I walk a straight honest line, treat others with respect. As long as I stay true to who I am, aligned to my core values and goals. Then others who are aligned to me will come my way. Those who aren’t will fall away. And that is exactly what happened. As I said, you don’t have to be liked by everyone. Only by those who matter to you.
Are you setting healthy boundaries? Are you choosing the way you respond to them and doing so assertively, not aggressively when others cross them? Let me know in the comments below.
Great article. Very beneficial to me. Thank you for sharing these insights!
Thanks so much Kate!
this just happened to me.. thank you for your insight. i bought my boyfriend a concert ticket, and traveled 4 hours to spend this night with him, and he “found” and extra ticket and decided to bring a lady friend along. i was SUPPOSED to be fine with it. she accompanied us to our pre show dinner as well, where he didnt even talk to me, talking with her the entire time. i kept my cool, because the last time i spoke up, he dumped me. well, once i told him why i was upset, he dumped me anyway. i set a boundary and he didnt like it. the difficult part with having self respect and setting boundaries is, you wonder if your boundary was “out of line” or ” inappropriate”.. i struggle with accepting that my feelings are acceptable, and to trust my gut, not needing to ask every friend i have how they would have reacted, to be sure i was ok and validated.
I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself as this behaviour is unacceptable and you deserve better. Keep doing this and it will get easier.
Great article! I’m 3 years out of a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. That relationship did a number on me. But I learned A LOT of valuable lessons.
Recently I had a suitor express interest in me. I explained that I am “happily single”, but open to meeting new people. I expressed that anything that developed would have to be an outgrowth of friendship and would have to develop organically and over time.
Within 6 days of meeting me, (on our first outing) she started calling me “Bae”. She expressed jealousy that the waitress was paying me too much attention. I immediately told her that calling me “Bae” was presumptuous, premature and offensive. I addressed her jealousy and stated that I found nothing appealing about jealousy.
Her initial reaction was to play off the jealousy as teasing and to say that she calls all of her family and friends affectionate pet names. My response was “I’m not your family or your friend. I’ve known you 6 days”. She apologized, but within three days was doing it again. I again addressed it — this time pointedly asking if she thought that by nicely disrespecting my boundaries it would make it more palatable? She became defensive and told me I was being overly sensitive. I smiled, told her I did not think we would be a good fit, and wished her well.
Honestly, had I not gone through my previous relationship, I would not know that I was being groomed, my boundaries were being tested, or that it is ok to say “no thanks” to anything that just doesn’t feel right. I’ve learned that people lie, energy doesn’t.
I love this KC, thank you. It shows how the red flags and warning signs are there are the start if we are open to seeing them. And once we set boundaries those who are not good for us don’t like it and try to minimise our reactions with ‘you’re too sensitive’ etc. Stay strong, my friend.
On the most part I like your videos but have an issue with
the office scenario.
It’s very common the abuser/ narcissist has completely decimated and abused you to the point your body reacts in such strong ways.
They love it they have pushed you into absolute disparity that
then they stay around and keep calm to make you look crazy.
They flip it it around on you.
Perhaps with a co worker you dont see all the time but if it’s your partner it’s around you all the time and it relentless.
If you react in anger it’s completely normal it’s your body telling you it’s abusive
Anger can also be your rocket fuel to get out.
Anger has its purpose
It’s destructive if you hurt others or if it goes on to long.
I do think that this approach to narcissism makes the victim responsible for the abuser’s behaviour. That “if you set boundaries, you can make the narcissist behave” attitude makes me very angry. I will set boundaries for a toddler, but I refuse to set boundaries for my 70 yr old mother in law. She is an adult and responsible for her behaviour. Making out that it is for the victim to somehow take responsibility for a narcissist’s behaviour is incredibly damaging. If an adult is incapable of controlling themselves then they deserve the consequences of their actions. They should not have vulnerable people that they have treated badly running around after them, hoping that they might just change if they behave a certain way. If you treat someone badly, then refuse to say sorry, then tell the victim that it is silly they feel that way, then act offended that they don’t want to be around you, then try and turn everyone against your victim/emotionally abuse your grandchildren to score points, do you really think you deserve all this “boundary setting”? Pandering to the abusers is all this is. Shame on you!
I understand what you’re saying – that a 70 year old adult should know better than to behave like a toddler and I agree. Unfortunately, there are many among us that have a toddler mentality and I just recently dealt with one and received the most horrendous emotional abuse of my life just 5 short weeks after my brother ended his life. My husband’s brother-in-law (coincidentally also 70 years old), attended a birthday party I hosted for my mother-in-law. He baited me all afternoon and provoked me into verbal arguments, attacked faith, attacked my Christianity, criticized Christians and was so completely awful that I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I yelled at him. Of course my reaction made me the bad guy only and until I was able to talk to my husband later about how my beliefs were being attacked and how emotionally vulnerable and raw I was in my grief that he understood. There is so much more to this story but in the end I refuse to have anything more to do with this BIL and everyone now knows that this horribly cruel man deficient of empathy and conscience maliciously picked on the bereaved.
Boundary-setting is essential. Consequences are essential. Toddlers come in all shapes and sizes.
They certainly do. I’m sorry to hear of this awful experience. You have done the right thing setting this boundary and putting your needs first. Well done.
I’m sorry you feel that way. That is not my intention. A victim is never to blame for abuse and I have never said otherwise. Setting boundaries is about protecting yourself and telling others clearly how you expect to be treated. If they cross that line then you have the choice to cut all contact or whatever it is you decide is best for you and in your best interest.
I think you e put the cart before the horse here. Setting boundaries is about protecting ourselves, not the abuser. I’m sorry it seems like this to you. Setting boundaries is all about mitigating the things you said, not excusing the abuser for them. My boundaries are incredibly important to me, not just in place against my narcissistic mother but on all levels, throughout my life and career. The author is entirely right in what she says- it’s empowering. I’m empowered to make choices around what is and isn’t acceptable to me. I can’t change anyone’s behaviour but my own but I can mitigate against it with my own boundary setting That’s the true meaning of boundaries. I love it now.