Emotionally immature parents? Has this led you into a dysfunctional or abusive relationship?
Most of us view parents as the mature ones, the grown-ups, particularly when we are kids. The ones who nurture and guide us to healthy adulthood.
But, what if you’re dealing with emotionally immature parents? Ones who are distant, rejecting, needy, negative or self-preoccupied?
What if a parent is emotionally immature? Forcing the child to become the parent in the relationship?
Or, to come up with coping mechanisms to deny the fear of never being good enough?
Emotional immaturity
Emotional immaturity in parents can take many forms:
There are those who are needy and whose moods fluctuate. The family walks on eggshells, as their behaviour can be infantile.
They’re like a child themselves, reacting emotionally, without thought to any consequences.
They can’t control their impulses and everyone else is to blame. Or responsible for calming them down and their stability.
Or there are those who are driven, always busy getting things done. They have all the answers. They know what’s best for everyone else, including their child.
They fear their child will embarrass them if they don’t live up to their measure of success. They intervene in adult children’s lives. Even after the child has left home and is in a relationship.
There are parents who do the opposite.
They build a wall around themselves. They reject them.
It’s as if their children don’t exist at all.
Their irritation towards their children teaches the kids to keep their distance from them.
Immature men may fall into this category, ruling the home as the aloof and scary Dad. He may even doll out physical punishments to his children.
Then there’s the passive, emotionally stunted parent. The one who acquiesces to the more dominant one (usually another emotionally immature adult). They may look after your physical health, feeding you and buying you clothes. But, your emotionally immature parent is so preoccupied with themselves they ignore your emotional needs.
- They can’t see what you’re experiencing or feeling. They don’t express empathy, they can’t support you.
- They’re uncomfortable with their own emotions or feelings. So, they won’t go there if you try to express yours. If you’re upset they’re likely to tell you:
You’re too sensitive.
Or, make a sarcastic remark. Anything to change the subject.
- They are egocentric, single-minded and have a low level of tolerance to stress. They like to be the centre of attention and can be emotionally insensitive.
- They become defensive if you disagree with them. They get irritated if others have a different point of view.
- They don’t pay you any attention unless you’re sick.
- They’re inconsistent and unreliable. You walk on eggshells around them.
- Like a child, they erupt in emotional distress at the drop of a hat. The whole family runs around trying to work out what the problem is and how to fix it.
- They may be passive/aggressive towards you.
- They rarely accept blame or apologise for their behaviour.
- They may become so enmeshed with you, they’re living through you and your achievements. Which never live up to their exacting standards.
- They may choose you as the ‘needy child’ they can rescue and control. Seeking their identity through an intense, dependent relationship with you. But it’s not a healthy adult to child one.
- Or, they may deem you the ‘little grown-up’ that doesn’t need them. Ignore you, whilst focussing all their attention on your sibling.
As a child of an emotionally immature parent you may feel:
- Anger. But, suppress it and turn it in on yourself. This may later manifest in depression, self-harm or suicidal thoughts.
- As if you’re not being listened to. Your parent is insensitive to your feelings.
- Nothing is good enough to make your parent happy. Nothing you do is good enough either, nor are you.
- You can’t talk to them in an open and honest way. For fear they’ll minimise it with:
You’re too sensitive, too emotional.
Or dismissed with:
I can’t change who I am.
Emotionally stunted
A child can’t see this for what it is. A parent who grew up emotionally stunted.
Perhaps they were from the: ‘children are seen and not heard’ generation like mine were? Their own childhood needs were never met and so they are incapable of nurturing yours.
There is no emotional intimacy.
Someone you can tell anything to. Express feelings and emotions you have and feel safe with doing so.
Instead, you suppress them. Deny them.
[bctt tweet=”As a child of emotionally immature parents you’re left with a feeling of emptiness, a hole inside. Emotional loneliness. Like you’re alone in the world. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
That’s how I felt as I grew up.
THE IMPACT OF GROWING UP WITH EMOTIONALLY STUNTED PARENTS
This can lead you into dysfunctional, even abusive relationships in adulthood. I know that now.
I learned to become a ‘people pleaser’. To morph my behavior to keep the peace.
To ignore my gut instincts. If I felt shame or upset, my mother told me I was wrong to feel that way.
As an adult I was a chameleon, spouting opinions that weren’t my own. Taking on those of others who were more confident than me.
I told them what I thought they wanted me to say and hear. I was always someone I was not. Forever hiding, in fear they’d find me out.
I didn’t even want to go into the relationship with my ex. I knew it was no good for me. But, I lacked the confidence to say no.
Besides, I had this fantasy in my head:
If I can love him enough, then he’ll become the man I need.
The one who could fill that hole I had inside me.
I attracted needy people like him. But, I liked the role of rescuer.
I can fix this
That’s what I thought. My friends believed I could as well.
I took responsibility for both sides of the relationship. Even after abuse, kept trying to make it work.
I’m not the only adult child of an emotionally immature parent to do this.
We create this story in our heads. A fantasy, that one day our unmet needs will be met.
We believe the cure for our childhood emotional pain lies in changing ourselves enough to affect this outcome.
If only I am attractive enough. Self-sacrificing enough. Famous. Rich enough. Then I’ll be happy.
Anything other than:
I am enough
Which is the healthy way of thinking.
In a relationship, we think:
If I change my behavior. If I love this person enough
Then I can turn them into the one. Get that happy ever after we crave.
The trouble is, we find safety in familiarity. So, seek safety in an emotionally immature partner. One who is like our parent(s). But, who’ll never meet our emotional needs either.
It took me years to understand this.
[bctt tweet=”I believed I could love my abusive ex into a perfect relationship. But nothing worked. I couldn’t change him. It exhausted me trying. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
I was also sick of who I’d become. The chameleon, the people pleaser – anyone but myself.
I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I hit rock bottom.
I saw the real me for the first time. I was a frightened little girl. Desperate for love and approval.
I ripped that fantasy I had out of my head. My ex was never going to fulfil my needs. I had to stop projecting this impossible dream onto him. That he was the one who’d plug the gap inside.
He’d shown me who he was all along. I’d denied the reality.
I saw my emotionally immature parents for who they were at last. Trying to do the best that they could, informed by how their own parents raised them. But, failing to fulfil my emotional needs.
I loved them, but I didn’t have to like everything about them. I could separate myself as their child.
I could forge a new relationship with them. I could nurture my own needs to become a healthy adult.
I had to stop being the rescuer in my relationship, thinking:
I can fix this
Now was the time to save and love myself.
Boundaries were key to this. Setting strong ones and sticking to them.
Walking away from abuse and never going back. No matter how hard this was and how much it hurt.
I was the Gatekeeper and Protector of my emotional needs now.
Learning how to detach from my parents was crucial too. And not slip back into the familiar, dysfunctional roles of the past.
Establishing new ground rules for our relationship to work. Saying no to them sometimes.
And now here I am. I’ve broken the cycle.
I somehow managed not to become an emotionally immature parent myself.
Loving me first allowed me to nurture my own children’s needs. I was able to raise them into healthy men.
This post was inspired by my reading this brilliant book (it is definitely worth a read):
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents:
How to heal from distant, rejecting or self-involved parents.
By Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD
Are you the child of an emotionally immature parent? How has it affected you as an adult? Let me know in the comments below.
I’m just realizing how emotionally immature my father has always been. He’s always been there financially for us kids, but never emotionally and would lash out at us verbally. We’re always walking on eggshells around him. It’s also partly due to his diabetes and stress; this disease has made him more insecure than ever. He’ll preach about a ketosis diet one minute and then start scarfing down pastries the next day – I try to remind him that he should avoid those snacks, but all I get is a glare… not sure how to handle this. I desperately want a good relationship with my father (and for the sake of my daughter) but it’s so hard to try and make amends when he’s so difficult to deal with all the time. I know he doesn’t have as much time as he would like to (he keeps referring to death with my mum) and I seriously don’t know what to do.
-my mums such an angel btw .. I wouldn’t be the positive person I am today without her. Also don’t know how she hasn’t put up with my father for the past 30 years
Sorry to hear this Steph. It’s difficult as we can’t change anyone other than ourselves. I guess the only way is to change your response to his behaviour. When he is difficult you pull away and he has less contact with you. When he is respectful, then he gets your attention and love. Or try to talk to him about him – non-judgementally and without emotion. Just explain how it makes you feel. You could show him this. Dr Moseley is a man I know from the TV industry and have huge respect for. His science is solid and this diet has been making a huge difference to a lot of diabetics. You can google him and find lots of videos on Youtube re this diet. https://thebloodsugardiet.com/
Realized how emotionally immature parents I have. Being around them is like walking on eggshells. The minute something goes wrong
Being no ones fault,everything is wrong in you like one minute you are happily talking the other minute you are cursing calling bad names to your child and what not.It like you are the reason why everything bad happens. This has disturbed me emotionally, I don’t have a go to person for advice, have been devoid of love attention,
So sorry to hear what you have been through. You can get free and anonymous advice through domestic abuse helplines. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here (or find the equivalent in your country): https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
This really hit the nail on the head for me… my mum is bio polar and suffered with depression due to being raped and abused by her own family , she was the youngest of 7 .
My whole life I’ve been moved from pillar to post having to deal with my mums emotional baggage, she has constantly controlled my life and swore and shouted , took me to her hook ups with other men whilst I’ve had to lay in another bedroom and listen . We’ve been in woman’s refuges due to her toxic relationship with my step dad ,
She has sold drugs around me and even gave me an ecstasy tab when I was 14 .
She has constantly given and then removed her love from me as pleased and even used her own mental illness as excuse to not take me to appointments at the hostpital, I was diagnosed with a secreting pituitary gland tumour in my brain 2 months before my 16th birthday ,
3 before my 17thbirthday my mum kicked me out of my home for good , because I couldn’t afford to give her money to pay for her food and gas for her and my sister and it was “all my fault” . She is a child still , she is 43 years old now and hasn’t worked a proper job since 24 years ago (that’s how old I am and I now have my own son and I’m engaged to an amazing man in our own home)
She now lives on a boat with her dog and she has no money and sleeps all day when she’s awake she’s smoking weed . I am now disabled , I have a lot of health issues and now she is again when I need her most withdrawing her love from me because my opinion isn’t valid to her and she can’t accept I’m mentally damaged and really having a hard time .
I have no one but my so. And fiancé , and I truly hope I can stop this from affecting my life , I don’t want to die I just want the pain to stop .
She constantly messages and calls saying I need to stop being nasty and just listen to her because life is short .
I cannot cope anymore , I can’t get away from her and she will refuse to listen to me without mentally abusing me again and I can’t get better when all she is giving me is grief ! I know this is very raw but it’s also real . It’s been my life . And never accepted it and knew the way I was growing up was wrong but I was constantly hushed . My fiancé is now getting depressed himself because he has to help me get through the day and he hates seeing how much pain she is and has caused me ! This has taken alit for me to wright this publicly, but really want people to know just how mentally draining damaging and dangerous emotional abuse is , and your not alone . Stay strong 💪🏼💕
Thank you for finding the courage to write your story here. You are not alone and you are not to blame for what’s happened to you. I’m so sorry for what you have been through and it’s no wonder you feel emotionally damaged. Please take time now to focus on your and your healing over and above everything else. Perhaps consider cutting contact with her whilst you do so and don’t feel guilty for this. It’s your time now. Try to get help and support to work through the complex trauma and issues you need to unravel to heal. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d also read every self-help book I can get your hands on. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
Thank you for being here and stay strong.
Dear Vivian,
This article and the video resonate as I am able to identify a number of ways my parents have been emotionally unavailable. This has gone down the generations as my parents themselves have been victims of emotionally immature parents. As you correctly point out it manifests in various ways but it was so easy to spot and relate to many of the examples you mentioned because of my personal experiences.
As a child, teenager and adult I have never been able to figure out why I have felt so empty. As is if carrying a black hole in my soul. This has translated into a lifetime of feeling zero self worth. Not knowing who I am. Not feeling ‘normal’ around others. Being unable to feel truly happy and not knowing who to relate to emotionally as I seemed so different.
I have felt emotional disconnect from people and always found it hard to make friends as I could never relate to their happiness. I buried myself in work and studies and for this reason have ended up in two careers, neither one of them bringing me any sense of fulfilment, achievement or meaning. They haven’t brought me happiness. Now even less so.
I have had two dysfunctional relationships with men. The first one was emotional immature himself. The second one was so aloof and insensitive to emotion that he ended up telling me he was not my “emotional crutch”.
In both these relationships I felt incredibly lonely and I was not sure why. I removed myself from these relationships as both felt wrong in my gut. I felt emptier being in them than on my own.
I find myself single in my mid 40s, almost past child bearing age. The dream and milestone of motherhood has been lost forever. The realisation of this has hit me like a brick wall. I have a sense of impending doom everyday.
My life will never be a normal one because I shall never have my own family. I feel like an incredible failure, filled with shame and remorse at how my life has turned out.
Now that I am able to ‘see’ how my upbringing has affected me, I have begun to realise that it is not all my fault and that it is not all about my ‘flawed character’. I was brought up by emotionally immature parents making me feel bad about who I was and who I am today. I definitely felt like I was to ‘be seen and not heard’ and only felt truly loved when I was sick, both examples you have mentioned. Today, I still don’t feel like I am important to my parents. I feel they may still care about me but they don’t truly love me.
Vivian whilst you were able to overcome the effects of your emotionally immature parents by being a good mother to your own, what advise can you give to a women like me who is childless as an indirect result of emotionally immature parents? I am resentful at how my life has turned out because of this. How does one cope with such a life changing tragedy?
I can’t be the light to my own children the way you have been able to with yours because I don’t have any. I cannot improve the relationship with my mother as a result of this either. If I at least I had children I would find it easier to heal and forgive my parents because my children would fulfil me and there would be meaning from my plight, as I would’ve been given the opportunity to break the chain of emotional immaturity in my family. But now I can never heal in this way that way you have described and it is completely soul destroying.
I feel unable to forgive the circumstances under which I was raised because they now have incredibly dire consequences for me. I find it SO difficult to accept what has happened and move on because my life continues empty and lonely. If only I had realised what was going on 10 years ago. It’s too late now.
I am afraid there are no answers. Only a lifetime of unhappiness and remorse and bad feelings towards my parents which at the same time makes me feel like a bad person so it’s a vicious circle of bad feelings.
How do I stop feeling resentment towards my parents although I understand to a certain extent it may not be entirely their fault and they probably tried their best? My hurt is such that I cannot bring myself to forgive them.
I am going through the most lonely and worse time of my life, I have never felt so rock bottom.
Whilst I know that you are a kind and caring person please refrain from writing that you’re sorry for me and my circumstances because I already know that. I am sorry too, believe me I wish I wouldn’t have to be reading your post let alone be writing this to you. I am not looking for words of empathy.
I just need some advice on how does a woman who was made childless by emotionally immature parents to a large extent, cope with this? How does one forgive and let go? It seems impossible.
Thank you.
I guess the way I found forgiveness was to separate who they are from what they do. I love all the great things about them, but I don’t have to like everything they do or have done. Letting go and forgiveness for me is was more about freeing myself.
Generational trauma is complex and it seems you have a lot to work through to find some peace within yourself. I would suggest seeking help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Have you considered using a sperm donor and having a child yourself, as some women are choosing to do these days? Or having some of your eggs frozen so that if you meet a man later you still have that option? I’m not sure if there are countries that allow adoption as a single parent. Fostering might be another avenue to consider?
AB, please focus on yourself, and never ever give up. Miracles happen. Get yourself happy – whatever it takes for that, and then -only then you would attract the right person in your life. You have to be at your best, that to happen. All your post is about your resentment- and you ask how to get out of it. By stopping to think about what they did, and start doing the right by Yourself. It is you that matters.
Please try Abraham-Ester Hicks videos, they may help you. And it is never too late for anything! Time is relative, it does not exist!
I wish you all the best.
p.s. I completely understand you , was in a similar situation.
Hello, AB
I know this might come a bit late, now in 2021, but your comment resonated with me in many ways.
I’m also the product of immature parents. I learned about this in my early 20’s but I had to see how little by little my life went past my eyes without me being able to do anything, because one parent is the immature, and the other is the enabler who thought her temper tantrums were “charming” and funny when directed their kids, or weathered the storm when directed at him.
I’ve never been allowed to have any friends, much less a relationship with a man because “my place” had to be by my parents. I’m in my late 30’s, and it’s almost the same as if I was in my late 40’s because there’s no available man anymore that is not divorced and/or with kids, thus with an emotional bagage that I know I will never know how to deal with.
I know I will never be a mother because, despite me wanting to be in my 20’s I don’t know if I would have any energy or patience anymore to raise a kid in a healthy way, and kids don’t deserve a mother who can’t deal with her own emotional stuff.
We women tend to make finding a “good man” and motherhood the be all end all milestone that defines our lives, but sometimes that just won’t happen, and there’s nothing we can do. I hope you followed Vivian’s advice and sought some profesional help that let you shed some light in the path ahead.
I’ve set my life in another course and tried to fill it with other things to do that might fill me with a bit of joy. It sounds like a small consolation (and in many ways it is), but it’s far better than letting yourself die out of sadness, little by little in a corner, without anyone ever knowing what suffering you are going through.
I really hope you are doing better and that you could at least find your way towards a better life.
Dear Vivian,
This article and the video resonate as I am able to identify a number of ways my parents have been emotionally unavailable. This has gone down the generations as my parents themselves have been victims of emotionally immature parents. As you correctly point out it manifests in various ways but it was so easy to spot and relate to many of the examples you mentioned because of my personal experiences.
As a child, teenager and adult I have never been able to figure out why I have felt so empty. As is if carrying a black hole in my soul. This has translated into a lifetime of feeling zero self worth. Not knowing who I am. Not feeling ‘normal’ around others. Being unable to feel truly happy and not knowing who to relate to emotionally as I seemed so different.
I have felt emotional disconnect from people and always found it hard to make friends as I could never relate to their happiness. I buried myself in work and studies and for this reason have ended up in two careers, neither one of them bringing me any sense of fulfilment, achievement or meaning. They haven’t brought me happiness. Now even less so.
I have had two dysfunctional relationships with men. The first one was emotional immature himself. The second one was so aloof and insensitive to emotion that he ended up telling me he was not my “emotional crutch”.
In both these relationships I felt incredibly lonely and I was not sure why. I removed myself from these relationships as both felt wrong in my gut. I felt emptier being in them than on my own.
I find myself single in my mid 40s, almost past child bearing age. The dream and milestone of motherhood has been lost forever. The realisation of this has hit me like a brick wall. I have a sense of impending doom everyday.
My life will never be a normal one because I shall never have my own family. I feel like an incredible failure, filled with shame and remorse at how my life has turned out.
Now that I am able to ‘see’ how my upbringing has affected me, I have begun to realise that it is not all my fault and that it is not all about my ‘flawed character’. I was brought up by emotionally immature parents making me feel bad about who I was and who I am today. I definitely felt like I was to ‘be seen and not heard’ and only felt truly loved when I was sick, both examples you have mentioned. Today, I still don’t feel like I am important to my parents. I feel they may still care about me but they don’t truly love me.
Vivian whilst you were able to overcome the effects of your emotionally immature parents by being a good mother to your own, what advise can you give to a women like me who is childless as an indirect result of emotionally immature parents? I am resentful at how my life has turned out because of this. How does one cope with such a life changing tragedy?
I can’t be the light to my own children the way you have been able to with yours because I don’t have any. I cannot improve the relationship with my mother as a result of this either. If I at least I had children I would find it easier to heal and forgive my parents because my children would fulfil me and there would be meaning from my plight, as I would’ve been given the opportunity to break the chain of emotional immaturity in my family. But now I can never heal in this way that way you have described and it is completely soul destroying.
I feel unable to forgive the circumstances under which I was raised because they now have incredibly dire consequences for me. I find it SO difficult to accept what has happened and move on because my life continues empty and lonely. If only I had realised what was going on 10 years ago. It’s too late now.
I am afraid there are no answers. Only a lifetime of unhappiness and remorse and bad feelings towards my parents which at the same time makes me feel like a bad person so it’s a vicious circle of bad feelings.
How do I stop feeling resentment towards my parents although I understand to a certain extent it may not be entirely their fault and they probably tried their best? My hurt is such that I cannot bring myself to forgive them.
I am going through the most lonely and worse time of my life, I have never felt so rock bottom.
Whilst I know that you are a kind and caring person please refrain from writing that you’re sorry for me and my circumstances because I already know that. I am sorry too, believe me I wish I wouldn’t have to be reading your post let alone be writing this to you. I am not looking for words of empathy.
I just need some advice on how does a woman who was made childless by emotionally immature parents to a large extent, cope with this? How does one forgive and let go? It seems impossible.
Thank you.
Dear Vivian, Sharing your own experiences and revelations has lifted a veil of deception in my life! Every sentence rang true for me. I thank God for you. Thank you, thank you for writing this article! There is more for me and there is more for you as to our true idenities. I dont know if you know but you were created for a purpose. You are the apple of God’s eye. He knitted you together in your mother’s womb… He knows you better than you know yourself. He wants to be in an intimate relationship. You have helped another woman on her journey of healing and embracing her true identity in Christ. The world finds identity in sucesss, accomplishments, roles etc. That is because God created humans in His image with a void that He alone can fill with his Holy Spirit. I will be praying for you.
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad this is helpful to you.
WOW! This is so spot on to how I feel about my parents. I am a somewhat damaged 43 year old woman who very much feels like what was described in this article. I am going to really take what was written and learn and grow from it. I don’t want to waste any more years being unhappy. Thank you so much!
That’s great! Life is too short. I am so glad it’s resonated with you.
Hi Vivian
Your story gave me hope.
Thank you.
I had read the mentioned book earlier and knew I need to make some corrections in my attitude towards myself and others.
It’s like I had built my life around impressing my parents , then friends, then boyfriends just to fill this emotional ‘void’.
Being an people-pleaser ( hopefully not anymore), I almost forgot to develop interets of my own. Developed skills that my parents appreciated.
Now I know what went wrong, but don’t know how to correct it.
At 28, I feel too old to start over.
Did you face any similar issue?
Any words of advice ?
The only thing I struggle with is conflict or voicing my feelings. I ask myself should I saying something? Am I the emotionally immature one. For example. I asked a friend the other day whilst out on a walk if he was using me to get back at his girlfriend who had previously gone for coffee with a man she used to see. He mentioned to me on he walk that he couldn’t see her that night as he was seeing me and used the justification of what she had done to do what he had done. I didn’t feel great about this and asked him.
Well out came the anger, the comments of ‘It’s all in your head’ etc bringing up my past failed relationships. Making out that I was the victim etc. And as usual I started to doubt myself.
Am I making a big deal out of it like my parents? I hate it because my parents needs overrode mine and always have so when I voice something that doesn’t feel right for me, I get shamed.
I would listen to what your gut tells you. Often we replicate what is familiar to us from childhood, so there is the chance that this person is also someone who denies your needs and tells you you are overexaggerating if you express them.
Sadly I also completely resonate with this. I am the fixer for my parents and struggle to distance myself and say no. They have a terrible relationship with each other and I am constantly stuck in the middle. I’ve only just realised I’ve spent most of my life people pleasing, changing myself to be someone I’m not. I too found myself in a dysfunctional relationship, that at the start of I was convinced I could change myself to accept his behaviour. Now I realise, I completely lost myself. I’ve spent so much time and effort keeping everyone around me happy that I have neglected myself. Even as I try to put myself first, I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am. I always think if I change my looks , buy new clothes, earn more money, il fill the void in my heart. Yet this could not be further from the truth. I also still feel guilty about distancing myself from my parents and wider family, even though they’ve brought me so much emotional pain. It has affected my mental health so much that I am unable to form real long lasting relationships with friends, family members, colleagues. I even think theres no way I could raise a child, out of fear they would feel the way i have felt my whole life.
I’m sorry to hear of your experience but glad you have self-awareness now. Take one small step at a time. The first is to put you and your needs first. Get help and support if you need it to find self-love, enough to fill that void inside. The rest will flow from that.
Same happens with me. Both my mom and dad are very immature . I understand that in their childhoods they were completely ignored by their own parents due to living in a joint family with elders given the top most priority. Then they got married at an early age and my mom had me when she was 21 ( mental age of a 15 or 16 ) year old and my dad’s parents were never fond of my dad and he had left his house at 16 for his own good. With me now what happens is my mom is extreamly immature – She never ever accepts her fault and scolds when whenever she realises its gonna be her fault , she keeps telling me to tidy my room and how tidy she keeps her stuff and had she been responsible for my belongings they would have been in a much better condition , she even looks very young as she is 39 and I am 18. she neglects my emotional needs and responses in the way i never expect my mom would and just laughs it off or tells me that its my fault for being immature. She tries to control me in every way and this that’s the best for me, gets jealous of my friends n gets competitive and many such things , other the other hand dad is very aggressive , egoistic , never accepts his faults and lies to cover them up (idk if its projection) , tells me how to behave and tells me that I am a student and that i should act and behave like one , never lets me do makeup or hang out with my friends much and sets stupid boundaries.
I seriously wonder if its all in my head or are they really immature parents. plz help me.
I’m sure it’s not all in your head. Perhaps consider getting help and support to work through this. I’ve listed resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Believe it or not, my parents grew up in the same exact way your parents were and their behaviour 100% mirrors my parents’ too so I might have an advice for you: just ignore them, don’t talk to them more than needed and you will probably find inner peace, it might hurt a little at first when you’ll realise that your parents don’t care about your feelings as much as they should or that they don’t admit their own mistakes and blame you instead but you’ll get over it pretty fast. Lastly but more importantly, you are an adult now so you should try to move out as soon as you can.
Ps. Please ignore my first comment, it had a couple of grammatical mistakes.
Thank you for your insight, Vivian. I love what you said about learning how to nurture your inner child. We would never think of telling our inner child that they were not good enough, so why do we tell this to our adult selves? I have been dealing with an immense amount of anger towards my parents. My father was always emotionally unavailable and distant. I am 30 and still living with them. My mom developed dementia in her early 60’s and has no memory that I am her daughter. I felt abandoned by both my parents who I never felt safe with, and were unable to love me the way I felt I deserved. Now i see that they could not give love to me because they too were emotionally damaged in many ways. My mother lost her older brother when she was a child, and she lost her first born son when he was 7 months old. My father is the oldest of 5 and grew up with conservative depression-era parents. I do not need anything from them anymore. I will continue to love and nurture myself, and every day I’m grateful that I found a partner who truly loves me and has helped me to let go of the conditioning my parents gave me. We have plans to leave our home town together and finally get our own house in California.
I’m so glad this has been helpful to you. Sadly, this does pass down generations. We need to become the parent to our inner child that we may not have had, which you are doing, so that is great. I’m so happy you’ve found a loving, supportive partner and wish you well in your new home when you find it.
Thank you so much for your Video. I am very struggling to deal with my children at the moment.
I’ve come to the point where I understand that I have to take care and love myself but I never really understood how. The way you put it is brilliant. You take care of your own NEEDS. You couldn’t have worded it better. Thank you.
I’m so happy to hear this. Thank you.
I was in denial of being an adult child. I‘be been reading a lot, working with children, and transforming my life. Up until now, my elderly father calls me a failure, useless, loser, etc. I never understood why I was trying so hard to change myself, but I was always zapped and triggered whenever my father would talk to me. He was the emotionally immature one, but make me feel like I was mentally disabled and financially unstable my whole life, so far. Took me up to now to realize, he is not normal, and for me to keep my distance, and accept who he is, while moving forward with my life, to succeed and impact the next generations as a teacher and athletic coach.
Once the fog lifts and you can see the truth it is a game-changer. Focus on you and the great work that you do lifting up the next generation. I am sure you are not a loser!