Emotional abuse. Sometimes it feels harder to deal with than physical abuse.
I was young when I was completely swept off my feet by a manipulative, narcissistic man. I was also naïve.
The relationship was intoxicating at first. The sexual chemistry pulled me to him with such force it was exciting. I’d never felt that intensity before.
But then things started to change.
I wasn’t even aware there was such a thing as emotional abuse. Like many women I questioned:
Am I in an abusive relationship?
After all, so many other women’s stories were worse than mine.
He hasn’t hit me
I thought. Besides, I wasn’t ‘that type of girl’ to fall for an abusive guy!
I’d had no history of domestic abuse in my family or previous relationships.
My childhood was a happy one; I grew up in a comfy middle-class home. I went to an elite girls’ school and spent holidays abroad.
My grades had been good and I was popular with most of the kids in my year. My life to date was pretty cushy.
[bctt tweet=”I learnt the hard way domestic abuse isn’t always violent. But emotional abuse can be a precursor to it. ” username=”beingunbeatable”]
EMOTIONAL ABUSE WARNING SIGNS
I wish I’d known the warning signs of emotional abuse.
So, how do you even know you’re in an abusive relationship, in the absence of violence?
I’d never heard of the term ‘coercive control’ used to describe emotional abuse. But in the United Kingdom, it’s now deemed a crime, since the Serious Crimes Act 2015.
That is, ‘controlling coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship’.
In other words, emotional abuse is now seen to be up there with physical violence. Punishable by a prison sentence, in the severest of cases.
But what is emotional abuse and how do you know it’s happening to you?
HERE ARE 12 SIGNS YOUR PARTNER MAY BE USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE TO CONTROL YOU:
- The relationship is intense from the start
You’re swept off your feet.
They’re larger than life, charming, funny and usually, the life of the party.
They’ll shower you with flowers or gifts early on. They’ll focus their undivided attention on you.
Then things move fast.
You’ve not known them for long. But, before you know it, they’re talking love, marriage, babies.
You’re moving in together.
The sexual chemistry is off the scale. You are the only one for them, the one they’ve needed all along.
They put you on a Madonna-like pedestal. For me, this made me feel wonderful, special.
Although, to the outside world, I appeared confident and outgoing. On the inside, I never felt like I was good enough.
But, here was this man who needed more than anyone had ever done before. It filled the emptiness that gnawed at me inside.
These early days feel so good, you’ll do anything for them. If they have no car, you’ll drive them around. No money, you’ll pay for everything.
Nothing matters except seeing them again, feeling the intoxication of it.
- They question your behaviour
Before long, they start to question your behaviour and your past.
How many people you’ve slept with before?
They may imply you’re not the ‘Madonna’ they expected you to be. Having put you on that high pedestal, they’re now judging whether you live up to it.
But, their bar is high.
They insinuate you may be ‘like the other girls (or guys)’ they’ve dated before. You’ve not even known them for long, but already you have to defend yourself as a ‘good girl (or boy)’.
- They isolate you
They criticise your friends, implying they’re a bad influence on you.
If you go out with your friends alone, you face the Spanish inquisition when you get home.
Who were you with? Did you talk to anyone else?
It becomes easier to avoid the implications and stay at home.
They do the same with your family, criticising what they do or say. Even for who they are.
They embarrass you by not turning up to family events or behaving badly if they do. Again, it’s not worth it.
So you start making excuses and limiting contact with them.
Your partner justifies it all by telling you you only need each other. No-one else.
- They are jealous of others
When you are out with them, they monitor who you talk to. What you say.
They insinuate that you are flirting if you even speak to another guy (or girl).
If you take a bit longer than usual to return home from work, they’ll imply you’re having an affair. They may justify it by saying they trust you, but not other guys (or girls).
It’s a double standard, as they have no problem flirting with others. But you daren’t question them about it.
- They micro-manage you
They make it clear what clothes they approve of and if you are female, the ones which make you a ‘slut’. They hate you wearing makeup.
They decide what you watch on TV, who you speak to, they monitor your texts.
They listen to your conversations and question who you’re talking to and why you said what you said.
They use their moods to control you.
You try to second guess them and attempt to manage them.
You change your behaviour, what you say and do, to appease them. To try to please them. To do everything you can to make them happy.
So as not to inflame the anger they’re now starting to reveal. The anger that frightens you.
- They move the goal posts
They expect you to live up to their rules, sometimes rules that to you, may seem a little random and crazy.
But, as you try to understand what they are, they shift the goalposts.
They need to keep you on the back foot at all times. None of it makes any sense to you.
- They justify their anger
They justify their bad behaviour –
I was tired, I was upset.
You did x or y.
But they never take responsibility for it.
It’s all about ‘Me, me, me’ – everything revolves around their needs, their wants.
Not yours.
- Your self-esteem erodes
Your sense of self starts to erode, your confidence to whittle away.
You can’t do anything right and you are always to blame. But you still have hope.
They give you enough glimpses of the charismatic person you first met.
Enough to stay and give you hope that man (or woman) will come back. If only you can behave in the right way, to make them happy.
But nothing ever seems to work.
- They use intimacy as a weapon against you
They want you to prove you love them, so you show your vulnerability.
But, any intimacy you trusted them with gets later used as a weapon to hurt you.
Your body issues get hurled back in your face. Any sexual desire only proves that you are a ‘whore’.
Their words hurt as much as if they’d hit you. Sometimes you even wish they’d hit you instead.
- The first signs of violence appear
They destroy things that are meaningful to you, like a gift they or someone else gave you.
They tear your clothes, sometimes when you are wearing them.
Then one day in a fit of anger, they’ll give you a push or a shove.
They’ll be full of remorse as soon as they’ve done it, though.
There may even be tears.
They apologise over and over. But again, it’s your fault that they’ve hurt you. Or, they blame an ‘unhappy past’.
Anything but takes responsibility for it.
- You keep their secret
You keep what is happening to you a secret. You lie to others about their behaviour.
You feel ashamed about what is happening to you. But you start to believe what they are saying about you.
- The lows get lower
The fights become more frequent. The lows get lower and the highs further between.
The verbal and/or physical abuse has escalated.
You are walking on eggshells now.
By now, there is little of you left. You feel trapped, with no way out. They’ve got you where they want you. They have complete control.
It takes courage to walk away from an abusive relationship. It took every once of strength that I had to do so.
But, the first step is to recognise you are in one.
Even if there has been no violence in your relationship to date, you should heed these warning signs or emotional abuse.
If they are familiar to you, I would urge you to get out.
There might not be physical violence now, but emotional abuse can be the precursor to it. (And the shocking statistic remains: their partners or ex-partners kill 1-2 women every week).
But please bear in mind: of all the domestic violence homicides, 75% of victims are killed as they try to leave.
You need to take care of yourself.
Don’t do it without support, advice and help, particularly from the Family/Domestic Abuse resources that are available to you. It will be the hardest step that you take, but no love is worth dying for.
Are these signs familiar to you? Let me know in the comments below.
If you are:
- unsure if you’re in an abusive relationship
- want to know if your relationship is good enough for you or if it’s time to leave
You can find Domestic Abuse Resources listed here.
I have never been in an abusive relationship that involved violence. However I suffered horrible emotional abuse from my husband over a period of years. Looking back I cannot believe that I put up with it for so long. I worked out in hind sight that it was because of his depression and his own lack of self esteem. But I am sad to think that i was such a doormat emotionally that I allowed him to undermine me so completely, that I tolerated it for so long instead of telling him to get over it or get on his bike.
I think we put up with it for too long because we’re hoping for the ‘old them’ to come back i.e. the non-abusive person we were first attracted to. We do anything to try to please them and make it stop. We change our behaviour in the hope that we can manage theirs. But only they can take responsibility for their behaviour. We can take responsibility for ourselves, by learning to say no to the abuse.
I think it is also really important to learn to recognise that their behaviour IS abuse. I came across a book by a marriage counsellor called John Gottman. He talks about the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” with reference to what can break relationships. If you have all four in your relationship you are in big trouble. They are contempt,defensiveness, criticism and stone walling. My husband frequently behaved with contempt towards me. One example- one year I went to a Melbourne cup lunch. I was dressed to the nines. I won a prize for being the best dressed woman on the restaurant . When I told him he just shrugged and rolled his eyes. I felt crushed .
That’s so interesting, I’ve never heard about these ‘four horsemen’, but that really does make sense. I’ve experienced similar reactions to things I was proud about. It does crush you. And it starts to whittle away at your self confidence and esteem.
So I interesting! I too experienced the shrugs or eye rolls when something great happened. Like the day I graduated with my master’s degree. He should have been outwardly proud that day. Instead, he was almost sulking and appeared annoyed. I know how you must have felt that day and I’m so sorry you did. We all deserve so much better!
Using the ‘Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ is a really good analogy. What scares me is that I can clearly see three of the four in my current relationship! A serious conversation is on the cards…
Hi Ria, I hadn’t heard of it before Sarah told me about this. It’s very interesting. I hope you will be okay. Put your needs first and look after yourself x
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, the first 5 seemed normal yeah we had the odd argument as all couples do. though I’m now struggling to understand what’s going wrong he blames me for every thing if he gets up late, if we run out of milk, if I leave a chair 3 inch away from the table. when I say blame I mean I get hurled insults he snarls he humiliated me, only the other day he slammed the brakes on in moving traffic demanding I get out in the middle of nowhere. I love the man I fell in love with but I don’t like the person he has become. he had an abusive childhood and has smoked weed to cope and he smokes more so now…i wanted to fight for whats we once had but he’s so lost in anger rage and blame. if we argue he then goes straight for the weed which I know makes him worse but he claims there are no side effects. I’m struggling, he calls me crazy, psychotic and blames my anxieties for his anger. how do I get him to get help for his anger issues?
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. I’m not an expert, so all I can tell you is what I have learnt from my experience. I spent many years and a lot of energy trying to fix my Ex. Trying to rescue him and help him become the man he once was to me i.e. the lovely man I first met. I kept trying to change myself, to not do the things he said caused his anger etc. hoping that this would make him happy. But no matter how hard I tried to do this, nothing worked and I was always to blame. And as the years went by, his behaviour and the relationship only deteriorated.
The sad truth is we can’t fix anyone. I learnt the hard way. I know now how impossible this is and how much of a toll it took on me, trying to do so. Whilst we focus on them, we neglect ourselves and our own happiness. I became a shell of the person I thought I once was. And as I was blamed for all the problems, my self-esteem was whittled away. If we have little self-love, then we are not in the best position to have a healthy relationship. If we have little self-worth, then others treat us as worthless.
The only person you can change is you. There was nothing I could do about the chaos my life had become or that I could do to fix him. The only thing I could be responsible for was myself and my own actions. So I had to let go of the rest. That was actually a relief for me to realise.
I would suggest you take your focus away from him and his behaviour and put your own wellbeing first. I needed help to build my self-esteem and that was a crucial first step to my recovery. For me, it was the support group Al-anon who really helped me to understand this. For others it may be a counsellor or via the various domestic violence support helplines.
A relationship can only be a healthy one if each person takes responsibility for them self and their behaviour. If we love ourselves first, then we are better for our partner. When I took responsibility for my side of the relationship and worked on myself to become someone with a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-love then my boundaries changed. I no longer accepted the unacceptable behaviour and way he treated me. Either he could do the same – work on his issues, self-esteem and take responsibility for his actions for us to have a better relationship. Or not. So, in a way it’s leading by example. For me, it led to end of our relationship. But for others I have met, once they changed, their partners followed, sought help as well and their relationship got onto a healthier footing.
I have written about more on this in some of my other posts, which may be of help to you. But I would urge you to seek support to accept the things you cannot change (him) and work on what you can change. And that is you.
Dear Jodi,
I spent 26 years married to, and 2 years before that dating, a man who sounds a lot like your boyfriend. I too struggled to get him help for his anger issues.
He was never physically abusive to me, but he did plenty of psychological and emotional damage with his skillful manipulation, bullying, lying, gaslighting, betrayals, rages and projection. “It” was and is always my fault. Over time, he broke me down. My emotional and psychological suffering has manifested in my body, and I am struggling to recover.
As is typical in abusive relationships, we were very compatible when he was not in attack mode. But I never knew when the attack was coming, and he could go weeks and sometimes even months without an attack.
I finally realized that he was operating from a totally different set of beliefs than I was, and that I could spend the rest of my life trying to get him help for his anger, and he would never be helped. I also realized that he had taken my finest qualities, my empathy and my kindness, and he used them against me to confuse me, and to control and manipulate me, so he could feel powerful and avoid his own pain. For me to go on trying to get him help for his anger was an exercise in futility. Despite him directly telling me that he wanted and needed my help, the only help he ever accepted from me was me acting as his emotional punching bag. He did not love me and was incapable of loving anyone, even our daughter. Love does not hurt. It accepts, encourages, embraces.
I hope you take your love for him and give it to yourself. You cannot fix a broken person unless that broken person is you. You are a caring person and you deserve the same.
This is so well said. It resonates a lot with what I experienced and I agree. Unless we love ourselves, no-one can love us in a healthy way. The only person we can fix is ourselves. Thank you for sharing that.
Vivian, do you know if these men or women are aware of what they are doing?
Hi Lily, I’m not entirely sure. I think to some degree they are, but then there is a huge amount of denial too. I don’t think it matters. The most important thing is what is best for you?
I have been there and back many times. Even when asking for divorce, it seemed like a crazy thing to do and I doubted myself, because I only saw the good in him.
But during that same conversation he began dismissing his responsibility and emotionally attacking me. He had done it just last week, leaving me confused and without energy to talk, even to think.
So I lowered my head and thanked God for reminding me why I want to leave. I realized how easily and quickly I forgive and forget again and again.
I now want to change that pattern of thinking that stripped my self esteem and confidence. I don’t want to repeat this ever again. And I want to teach my daughters to be better than me.
Try not to be hard on yourself. It takes 7 times on average for us to leave an abusive relationship. Coercive control, codependency and the cycle of abuse are very hard to break. I know. I went back even after he’d tried to kill me. Try to get help and support to work through this. You might want to consider my online video course: START WITH ME: Victim to Survivor. You can find out more info here: These posts/videos my also help you: Jekyll & Hyde: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/ Fantasy bond, Loving the person you hope they’ll become: https://www.beingunbeatable.com/fantasy-bond/ Recovery from abusive relationships. How long does it take: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/recovery-from-abusive-relationships/
I had cancer 5 years ago. When I met my ex I had just lost my hair. He lived in the same apartment complex as me. I had always thought he was cute and I was overjoyed that someone like him would want to be with the “ugly bald girl”. He seemed like my night in shining armour. Until my hair started coming back. Thats when he would get upset if a guy even glanced my way. There were many red flags. The first being that his ex wife had to get a restraining order against him when they first got divorced. Then his mom would always ask if he was being nice to me. He quit his job when he met me and told me he could not find one. Miraculously when we finally broke up for good, after being called everything in the book and he hoped i died, he suddenly found a job. He never physically hurt me but sometimes I actually wished he would. That sounds crazy. I have not seen him in a year and a half. I am working on myself now. I have not dated anyone since him and I am kind of scared to get out there again. I had always told myself that i would never stay in an abusive relationship. I didn’t even realize that i was in one until it was too late. Luckily i have good friends and family that welcomed me back into their life even though i had pushed them out of mine years ago.
It doesn’t sound crazy. I felt the same when faced with emotional abuse sometimes. I’m so glad you recognised it was not healthy and you are working on yourself, with strong support from family and friends. It is scary dating again. I tried to push my now-husband away for a while as someone emotionally available was terrifying for me. But the more we work on ourselves and find a strong self-love, the more we start to recognise the signs are what is ‘not good enough for me’ (read my Bridget Jones post). So keep going with healing yourself first. Your gut instincts will sharpen and you’ll start to see the red flags more clearly. You’ll know to avoid them. They too will start veering away from you, as they will see you’re not vulnerable and able to manipulate.
Your story sounds so familiar…I too am from a middle class family and suffered no abuse from my parents. They are kind and loving people….
I met a woman online and we “connected” – she was bright, talented beautiful, funny and she thought I was too. I was so flattered and my heart was set afire..
It was long distance but we saw one another about twice a month..
There were some signs but she had been open about her struggle with an Eating Disorder so after one rage, she apologized the next day and explained it with the ED and some triggers. I actually felt closer to her as a result of her sharing this with me and taking responsibility etc..
Fast forward to a planned trip overseas to celebrate her bday..I went insane..I shared a simple insecurity with her and some of my background and she just lost it…Asking what she did “wrong” – i kept reiterating it had nothing to do with her etc. and then the relentless rage…mocking me and my “abandonment issues” (I’m adopted), telling me only a desperate stripper would want me …
Then a few days later she was “ok” and then really went off the wall – threatening suicide, vomiting (in front of me), claiming she was hearing her grandma (who passed away), self injured (again in front of me) had a panic attack, weeping uncontrollable and then she wanted to make love…
It was terrifying…
Eventually she “dumped” me during that trip – leaving with a “youre a big girl you’ll figure it out”.
I’ve heard from her a few times since then..Even spoke in January and got the I love you i never stopped…It was all I wanted to hear…Eventually (quickly) I was discarded again..coldly and cruelly
She isn’t the issue..i am…I cannot seem to pull myself out of this dark despair…I ruminate about her constantly.. I am in therapy and have been for 4 months (the sum total of our relationship)..but I’m not improving…
The concept of “loving” myself feels foreign… Ask me if I love other people and I could rattle off a novel…
I am bright, attractive, successful, kind, funny. I have had a blessed life and lots of good friends and family…yet I still give all my hopes and dreams of love to this very disordered person…
How can I start on the path of letting go and loving myself even a tenth of what I gave out?
I’m sorry you’ve been through such an awful experience. And like me, with no history of it, there’s no frame of reference when it comes out of the blue. I’m glad you recognise that she isn’t the issue. We can’t rescue others, only look after ourselves. I too saw that I had to start with me and change me, in order to find healthier relationships. But I do know how hard that is too, as the pull back is so incredibly strong. Even when we know it is no good for us. I’m not an expert, but I will say this. I couldn’t have done it without support. I would urge you to get help from a relevant support group (Al-anon for me was a life-saver), a counsellor or just by phoning some of the DV resource lines and ask them for guidance. Don’t try to do this alone.
It also takes time. It took me years to heal, I did it little by little and with help. But start by just taking one day at a time, one hour if you have to. And do one thing nice for yourself each day. With the right help and support you will get there. The biggest step is that you recognise this is not healthy and are looking to change it. And you know you are bright, attractive, successful, kind and funny and that you deserve more (which you do). So, get help and support and keep walking forward and you will gradually find the love for the gorgeous woman you are.
It took me years to realize that I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. My spouse does not fit 100% of the criteria – he’s not jealous, he does not isolate me, etc. However, one by one, I realized that all the other pieces fit.
He’s controlling in ways that took me a while to recognize: I always use the wrong words, the wrong tone, to express my thoughts. God forbid I should express (no matter how non-confrontational) an opinion different from his – all of a sudden, I’m an idiot. When we get home after a family or social event, he will “dissect” things I’ve said, how people “laughed at me behind my back” and how I was too stupid to see it (none of this ever happened).
His anger got progressively worse over the years. He was repentant at the first 2 or 3 meltdowns, but after that, his meltdowns were somehow always my fault. It didn’t matter how much I twisted myself like a pretzel trying to conform to his communication style, his timing, etc. Nothing made a difference. (Because I don’t give up easily, I just kept trying until I completely lost myself and my self-worth flew out the window).
He has never hit me or thrown things at me. He has smashed a couple of things around the house to intimidate me when he saw that his bullying wasn’t working. How pathetic.
Now, 14 years later, he has no hesitation to tell me to “shut the f*k up”, “f*k off”, etc. He repeatedly tells me he doesn’t give a rat’s ass how I feel, that I’m uncomfortable with his rudeness, etc. Yet, when I bring up the fact that he doesn’t care (only because he told me 287 times), he accuses me of “twisting his words” and “blowing things out of proportion”. I used to get really confused, but now I know it’s his gaslighting tactics.
He will take the liberty of expressing what he’s upset about, going on a 15-minute rant, then say “OK this conversation is over. Now f*k off”. If I dare say “I too have something to say”, he invariably says “I don’t care, I’m not interested in anything you have to say.” HIs nastiness literally makes my stomach turn at times.
Yet, I’ve been good to him. I’ve loved him – physically and emotionally, for years. I take care of things – I cook all the meals, pay a housekeeper to keep the house clean (and right after she leaves, he will walk in with his snow-covered boots and tell me to stop “nagging” him about the clean floors). I work a full-time + 2 part-time jobs (he’s retired with a full pension and we share most of the household expenses), yet he calls me selfish when I say I need my downtime on Sundays.
I am still there, God only knows why. I still love him, but I don’t like him anymore – he really isn’t a nice person at all. Even his 2 adult kids wonder why I put up with him (they both told me he was a jerk and I deserve better – they’re right!).
I am often very sad and feel very much alone at home. I am truly blessed, though, to have family and friends who seek me out and we enjoy each other’s company immensely.
I sense that it’s not the sadness that will make me finally walk away, but being really good and mad and not willing to take it anymore. I sense that this day will come soon.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and it breaks my heart to hear this. A lot of it is very familiar to me too. I got to the point where I loved him but no longer liked him anymore. So, I know what you are saying. In fact, that was the turning point for me. I’m so glad you have strong family and friend connections. We all need that support. I can’t advise anyone as to what to do or not do in their relationships, as I’m not an expert and everyone is unique. But I will say this – it’s not selfish to put ourselves and our wellbeing first. It is self-caring. Look after yourself first and find the way to build your self-esteem again. Years of emotional abuse does strip this away from us. I write about this in other posts which may help and this one may also resonate with you https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/tattoo/
I was once a self assured person who received accolades for my work but after two ghastly marriages where I felt used, unheard and purposeless desperately trying to please and support my spouses as I had seen my mother do with my father, a gentle man who rarely showed anger, I was reduced to a heap.My mother was a depressed , unfulfilled ( after giving up her interesting job to raise my sister and myself) lady and chose me to mainly take out her frustrations while my father worked long hours and was rarely around for long. I couldn’t concentrate at school which fuelled her abuse, verbal, physical and emotional and only leaving home gave me a chance to start rebuilding my self belief. Being very empathetic and sensitive made me a target to get reactions from which I endured from two guys at Art School and throughout my life from others and I am still vulnerable to anything aimed at me negatively.
I can see why I fell for both husbands, thinking they cared for me offered escape and a chance to rebuild my life in a loving relationship. Both marriages were terrifying and now in my early seventies I prefer life on my own. I have two grown up children, lovely young people and a new grandchild to cherish but do not trust myself to risk a relationship again. I am more content this way but after being told I have post- traumatic stress by a counsellor once I find crowds and social occasions often frightening. I am naturally needing of my own space but also quite gregarious. I just don’t have any reserves of mental or emotional energy to cope with people for too long and have to run for air. I seem to be one whom others come to share their problems but switch off if I need someone to listen to me. That’s ok, I am glad to do that within reason but I know my background has worn me down. I found your ( Vivians ) story in the Mail so similar to my own it was a shaft of light and I am so grateful for it. My second husband, so like Vivians, I believe may certainly have had Aspergers on reflection with the moods, jeering,volatile outbursts and violent tempers and difficulty with social situations etc. I didn’t realise at the time. Just so relived to have a gentler life if rather late in the day. Thankyou for allowing me to share some of my life and love to all who have similarly suffered.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sad to hear of what you have endured. Emotional needs not being met in our childhood does play a significant role here. It’s no you suffer from PTSD. I have been hearing this from others as well, so you are not alone in that. It’s good to know you are seeking professional help. I am so glad you have a gentler life now as you deserve that. Thank you again and I hope you stay strong x
I was 17 and met a guy. We were at a party and he came up to me. He was so cute, tall, dark and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He and I were talking and exchanged numbers. He texted me, “I think you’re really cute.” I blushed and he called me that night. We went out a week later and he was the most amazing guy ever! I met his family and they loved me. Invited me to everything like family dinners and so much more. We hungout like everyday and we instantly developed feelings for eachother. He was Prince Charming. Bought me flowers for Valentine’s Day, jewelery for my birthday, perfume, theater tickets, and so much more. After about a month, I felt hard for him. I was so in love with him that he was falling hard for me. We talked about marriage, children, house, cats, pets, and he even told me that we we’re gonna be together forever. I know as a young teen that it probably won’t happen but I thought I had found my soulmate. I never would have thought he was going to be Satan. We got along great but then one day, I gained a little weight and he called me fat. I cried. He begged for forgiveness and I did. He said he was just joking and I take things too serious. That was the start of this behavior. We never argued but all of something, he would pick arguments with me like everyday. He would yell and scream. I would cry because who likes to be yelled at? I didn’t do anything wrong! His behavior got worse and I will never forget when his true colors came out. We got into an argument and he was now screaming, yelling, cursing and threatening and the worst part of that was HE ALMOST HIT ME! He had his hand near my face and hit the wall. I was crying so hard and ran from him. Hid in the bathroom and crying my eyes out. He was chasing me and kept apologizing. Said he took it out on me because he had a bad day. I forgave him because I loved him! I remember feeling so shaky and heart was beating because I had no idea what just happened. Things eventually calmed down and he would be so romantic. Buy me things that I didn’t want. Like a new outfit or makeup. I thought maybe he’s sorry for what he did. So he was starting to act like Satan again. Calling me names like ugly, stupid, fat, worthless, and would always critisize me. He would be so jealous and possessive over who I could talk to or hangout with. I remember if my friends or family were texting he would take my phone and try to block everyone. I would still talk to them and he said to never have communication with anyone. I only have to be with him. That part wasn’t the worst part. I have friends who are guys and he would accuse me of cheating! Just because I have friends! I never cheated! His parents who I thought liked me, now accuse me of cheating! I would have to show proof. They hated that I’m a different religion and always told me to date guys my religion. I didn’t want too! He would constantly call and text and if I didn’t answer, he’d find a way to find me. I felt like he was being the devil and I didn’t want to accept it. I kept thinking what could he do next? Well he told me I couldn’t dress the way that I wanted too. He would buy me clothes but they were so ugly. Like a turtle neck dress or a tank top with jeans a jacket because he didn’t want me to look cute. I couldn’t wear makeup because he would say it’s a mask and you don’t need it. I will wnwver forget when it was my birthday and he called because he was invited to my birthday dinner and he gave me a time to be home so he could see me. If I didn’t get home at that time, he would yell in my face. I got some cute clothes for my birthday and he disapproved everything! I kept everything because I was finally feeling confident. But he made me feel so insecure. I felt like hiding in an eggshell. I cried all the time. Had a hard time sleeping. Couldn’t eat. I was so afraid. He would come to my job and look to see if I was actually working and if I was helping a customer, he would get mad. My job is to help customers. He would tell me to quit my job because I have to be a housewife and he would take care of me. I didn’t quit my job because I love it and he didn’t want me to succeed in life. He would tell me that he makes more money and wouldn’t need my money. He would always talk about his ex gf who left him and he would say how’s beautiful she was and not me. I kept feeling like he’s making me feel ugly. Constantly was mean to my family and would raise his voice to them. I felt like I couldn’t talk to him or feel safe. I was constantly thinking what he was going to do next. Well he said that I was going crazy and I chose to be with him. That’s what I was going to get was how he was treating me. We don’t have kids but there were times when he would tell me that he wouldn’t raise them. I would. By myself. With no help from his family. So I finally got braces and a new hairstyle because I hated my look. He made me feel so self concious and the braces were making me feel so confident. He hated it. Told me to take them off. I didn’t want too. His parents found out and they said I look too sexy for other men. I think the whole cheating allegation against me was because he was being unfaithful and he was! Because I found an email that said I miss you to another girl. I never knew who she was and the message said thanks for the fun time. I confronted him. He was like oh you’re crazy. She’s a friend. I didn’t believe him. He called me from her house and she was saying that they were spending the week together and I instantly hung up the phone and cried. HE CHEATED ON ME!!!!!!!!!!! He didn’t confess but I heard strange noises over the phone. So after that, I finally told my mom. She was in so much shock. She told me everything is okay and he’s a monster. She never approved of him so she said she’s going to help me get out of it. We had a plan. I had enough of his behavior and couldn’t be with him anymore. So he called. He was yelling, screaming, threatening to hurt me and the family. I cried and told mom. She texted him it’s over and it was the best decision ever! I cried after the breakup and he tried to get me back but I said no! I couldn’t do it anymore. He hurt me so bad. I’ve went out with different guys but none I really like. I know this is probably going to haunt me forever but I have my friends, family, job and I’m alive
I am so sorry to hear your story Jamie. I am so glad you got out of this relationship. This is coercive control, or emotional abuse. His manipulation was also about controlling you. Coercive control is now deemed a crime in the UK, which, at worst can lead to a gaol sentence. I hope you are okay now. It’s important you now work on your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I say this as when we have low self-esteem we attract those who treat us as worthless. We also tend to repeat negative patterns like this and often go for the same type of guy every time. Until we work on ourselves and break this cycle. I am creating a course now about how to do this. It’s called Start with Me: Survivor to Staying Strong. If you subscribe to my blog then you will be alerted to when it launches, which will be in early October. I think it will help you. There is life after and you can find healthy love again. I am proof of that. Thanks again for trusting me with your story x
I gave up eating and lost weight. Felt nauseous and shaky. Heart was pounding. I didn’t know what to do. But I am eating and gained the weight back. I’m actually still not 100% and still think I am everything he said. Do you think I’ll ever get over it?
I have been in a relationship for 5 years and it has really gotten bad. Both of my kids left because of him, and he acted like he thought it was funny. We ended up raising his 2 grand kids and i have felt so guilty because i didn’t have mine with me. He gets mad if i have anything to do with my kids or my parents, the whole time i am visiting with them, he is texting very ugly texts. And i go thru HELL when i get home it last for days . HE is constantly accusing me of seeing someone, but that is not possible i have to text when i get to work, on my way home , so there is no time to do anything. I never do anything but stay right up under him. But he is on disability and stays home every day and he is never home, its like he has does what he wants but i cant do nothing. I just need the strength to walk out and never look back.
I know exactly what you are going through and feeling right now. It can be overwhelming and you may feel trapped, like there’s no way out. This is not a healthy relationship based on an equal partnership. He is not bringing out the best in you or good for your wellbeing. Finding the strength and courage is a huge step. But you can do this. I would urge you to get support and help. I have listed Domestic Violence helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I promise I am not trying to do a sales job on you but I really do think you would benefit from my online video course: Victim to Survivor, in which I guide you step by step how I was able to understand what was happening in the relationship, how the cycle of abuse worked, how to assess my level of danger and leave safely (leaving can be a very risky time). You can find out more about it here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/start-victim-survivor/ There is a secret Facebook Group with the course in which I am there to help guide you through it too. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect.
So I interesting! I too experienced the shrugs or eye rolls when something great happened. Like the day I graduated with my master’s degree. He should have been outwardly proud that day. Instead, he was almost sulking and appeared annoyed. I know how you must have felt that day and I’m so sorry you did. We all deserve so much better!
He should have been. Well done to you, I’d have been proud of you on that day! Thank you for your kind thoughts, yes, we all deserve better. I found someone who is proud of my achievements and celebrates them with me. It is so much nicer! x
I’m going through all of those things right now with my husband. This article has me speechless. I’m already a survivor of childhood physical abuse from my now deceased mother.
It’s not a coincidence that you went into an abusive relationship as an adult if you suffered this as a child. I’m sorry to hear that you did. It’s important to focus on you now and get help and support to understand how this dynamic has lead you to repeat the pattern, as many do. This is the only way to break the cycle and heal yourself, so that you can go on to set healthier boundaries and have healthier relationships in the future.
As I read this article- its sick and sad that I am checking off each box with actual relief. RELIEF!? I am not crazy. And even more sad because none of it was necessary, I would have loved him so hard for my whole life. I still don’t look at other men- but now it’s because I refuse to take the chance of ever doing this to myself ever again. I am still with him, I don’t know why I’ve allowed him to think he still has me fooled. I think the worst part is that I have hidden this from everyone, nobody knows. Family, friends..who am I kidding? There are no friends left. I am embarrassed, I am way too strong and smart for this. And after all of this time his words are still like nails on a chalkboard to me. Stomping out whatever is left of me. I hate him now but he knows all of my secrets and threatens to ruin my life if I leave- and he absolutely could. I am so stuck. So stuck.
Sorry to hear this Martha. It may feel like you are trapped, but you do have the choice to change this. Part of the manipulation to gain control over you is to isolate you from your family and friends. Why not trying to contact them again and ask to speak to them honestly and tell them the truth of what has been happening and why you cut off from them? One woman recently told me that when she did this, she was amazed at the support they gave her. Or get confidential advice and support from one of these free hotlines who can help you understand your options and how to take the first step: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ You are strong, which is why he has needed to use you to gain strength himself. Take that strength and focus it all on you now. Do you want to stay in a relationship in which you hate the person you are with? You deserve so much more than this. The first step is the hardest, but just pick up the phone and call for support and help. Once you take that first step, then take the next one and the next. You can do this.
One year ago I broke up with a guy who drove me absolutely insane. I met him at my job where he started working as a doctor (I was a nurse). I live in a tiny, boring town and him appearing in my life felt like God sent! Within a few weeks of starting to work there he pursued me and, long story short, immediately moved in with me even though for me everything went way too fast. In the beginning I thought I was dreaming: he was very charming, extremely generous, fun, adventurous, handsome, intelligent, we had the same interests, and he was incredible in bed. We also were a great team at work, and to be honest, I was so proud that a doctor chose me. For months we made love ALL night long (never experienced something like that, not even in my 20s!) and stayed up in bed talking about any and everything. He was also extremely generous and bought me any- and everything (for example went grocery shopping for over a thousand dollars!). It was just wonderful except that things moved way too fast from the start; he wouldn’t give me any space and he wanted to be with me 24/7. After just a few weeks/months the arguments started. I am not an argumentative person, and I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong for him to always get mad at me. He also did the following:
– He criticized me a lot, including about my past and my current habits
– said that none of my exes ever loved me, only he truly cared about me
– teased me about being fat (absolutely not true) but then said I couldn’t take a joke
– started arguments at bedtime and didn’t let me sleep
– told me what to wear and what music to listen to
– criticized my parents, brother, and my friends (one thing he said was that my dad was a nazi)
– accused me of getting hit on by my friend’s boyfriend, which then caused him to tell me I wasn’t allowed to see my friend anymore
– threatened me during arguments with going to watch porn. He admitted one day that he did that to make me jealous
– made cruel jokes on my birthday that at 39 years old I “only had one year left to be f***able”. I told him that wasn’t funny, but he said I was too sensitive
– implied that if I left him I would be alone. He said my parents would die soon and “do you really want to be alone?!”
– threatened me that IF I would leave him there was a girl interested in him that was 20 years younger than him. He actually followed through with that threat and once I broke up with him he left town with her. He knew this would destroy me, and it did.
I did not feel free with him, and I constantly felt criticized, pressured to do what he wanted to do, and belittled. On the other hand, his spending on me continued and the sex and attention from him was still amazing.
One day I couldn’t take it anymore and left him. We still had to work together and he chased me for months trying to get me back. At that time he absolutely disgusted me and I felt like he was a stalker and almost dangerous. Then suddenly all attention stopped and he became person #1 again, the person I fell in love with: even though we were not together anymore he still talked to me for hours sometimes, was kind, generous, came over to walk my dogs, and always, always told me that “he would be there for me no matter what”. He repeated this over and over and over and I am still trying to figure out why. I almost felt like he wanted me to regret my decision and show me what a wonderful guy he was.
Well, whatever it was it worked: from the moment he changed into person # 1 again and stopped being crazy I wanted him back. I was insanely jealous and quit my job, the only good job in this small town. He gave me hope for months, but one day turned me down for good and left town with the girl he was threatening me with.
All of this happened a year ago and since then I have been absolutely devastated. I miss him dearly, and even though I don’t think he treated me right I have completely forgotten about the bad moments. I fell into a deep depression, became suicidal, had insomnia, went to therapy, and just like he used to say, I feel like I AM all alone now now that he is not here. I also became so sick that I ended up in the hospital, and I am convinced that the heartache caused my disease. It’s almost like he planted an evil seed in me and that seed has grown into a tree. There is not a single moment that I don’t think about him and dwell on what I could have done differently. I also wonder if he punished me for breaking up with him, since he knew that making me jealous would destroy me. It really did!
I think I just want to know, was I emotionally abused? And how is it possible that I was so done with him but then the tables turned? How can you hate somebody and love him so much at the same time….
Thanks for listening!
Btw, he took me on vacation to a very isolated spot on a beach, imagine a beach days away from any civilization. Of course this was his idea, and I almost feel like he might have been there before but never told me (aka I wonder if he does the same things over and over with all of his ladies but never tells them that he does, but I digress). During this vacation he was a changed person: no road rage, I could dress how I wanted, no more sex 6 times a day, no affection, no crazy behavior. I found that odd. He had me away from people and he was a different, non-jealous, more normal person…..
Probably because he had isolated you and had total control. That’s what they want.
This is absolutely emotional abuse and coercive control. It ticks every box from gaslighting to isolating you to triangulation – where this is the threat of a third person. The nice guy you saw after leaving him was hoovering – trying to get control over you again. When he did he discarded you. He is a narcissist and you are so much better off away from him. I know you still feel drawn to the nice side of him. But trust me if you went back to him again, the nasty side would return and the abuse would escalate and get worse. Please read this/watch this video: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ Our belief they have two sides is the con that keeps us wanting to go back to them. Don’t be fooled into thinking he’ll be different with the next girl. He won’t. She will end up experiencing the same as you did. He’s just his latest supply – someone he will control to feed his overinflated sense of entitlement and ego. He will discard her soon enough too, unless she finds the courage to leave him. You deserve better. Nothing you did differently would make this relationship work and end in the fantasy happy ending you have in your head. I know that sounds hard, but I was you once. Please get help and support to understand what has happened to you and why and to focus on you, not him. You need to build your sense of self esteem and self worth. When we are low in self worth we attract those who treat us as worthless. I have an online course that you would benefit from. You can find out more here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/membership
You have no idea how much your reply means to me. Finally I have an answer! I am furious, and that is good I think because now instead of missing him I can move forward. Despicable that such people exist. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
I am so happy to hear this Natasha, thank you. Leaving is hard and it will be an emotional rollercoaster. Try to stay strong, you can do this. Time will be your best friend.
Dear Natasha, I wish you all the best as you move on. I hope you are able to put yourself first again and focus on your own health, hopes dreams and aspirations. Love is great, but you have so much more to live for than just waiting to be in a relationship. Go back to loving yourself, building your career, hanging out with friends and family that love you and doing a million things you truly enjoy.
And next time you meet a man, no matter how amazing he makes you feel, be bold and strong enough to say NO to abusive remarks or behavior. Because what you condone will only increase.
In conclusion, PUT YOURSELF FIRST!
I couldn’t have put this better myself. Thank you Uduak.
I don’t know whether I feel relief from reading this or sick/sad/more confused.
I’ve been in and out of a relationship with a guy for just over two years now, and I/m the one who keeps going back to him, even though deep down I know nothing will ever change and I’ll hit rock bottom again; its like I cannot help myself.
He’s never physically hurt me, though he has been aggressive and voices physical violence or destroys things which has left me fearful but always apologetic afterwards fearing that it is my fault he acts like this.
He’s always told me that he acts the way he does because of me and that I need to change and I feel like I’ve changed to accomodate for him all the time but then this isn’t good enough and something else needs to change. I’m in a constant state of confusion. Even when we were together and I was in a good mood, he’d question me or pull me down about how I acted so much so that I’d be sat in a corner sobbing and then he’d be like ‘I knew you were in a bad mood’ and then try to make me feel better by giving me a hug or whatever. And this always did win me round but then I’d sit and think ‘well he must have been right, I was in a bad mood before I even knew it but he knew’.. like he knew me better than I knew myself.
I’m sorry for ranting, its just hard because people dont really understand and when I tell people, they get mad because I’ve gone back. I’m only 26 and I feel like this is ruining my life. I’ve been speaking to him again for a month now and I’ve dramatically dipped in mood and motivation to do anything; so I’ve explained to him that I need to leave it at that and accept that it’ll never work but he won’t take no for an answer. He keeps telling me that I’m horrible for going back and then leaving again, that I dont try and that he deserves better and that I will always be alone with the attitude that I have. And I believe him, at the end of the day, I do keep going back to him – I cant explain it. This is literally so hard.
I am so sad reading this as you are so young and remind me of myself when I was going through what you are. This is emotional abuse. It is also known as coercive control. An insidious form of brainwashing designed to confuse you, isolate you, crush your self esteem and make you take all the blame for his behaviour and all the responsibility for what goes wrong in the relationship. You will try everything you can, changing your behaviour to affect a different outcome but nothing will work. Please get help and support to break this cycle and addiction you have to him, as this is what this is. The abuse will get worse and one day could turn violent. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. I have listed free, anonymous helplines here:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
You need help to focus on you and learning about your codependency in this unhealthy relationship. It is hard and it will hurt to leave. Take one step at a time. The first step is to admit you need help and pick up the phone for support. I’m glad you have found me as well.
Thank you so much for your response; this is exactly what I was scared of hearing but needed to hear. I don’t think I was able to accept that it was abuse, I convinced myself that it can’t be and that I’m just overly sensitive and emotional, that things will get better and that he’ll realise how he is being.
This is beyond helpful and you are right, I do need help. I already feel better for knowing that I don’t go back to him to be cruel or because I’m desperate, it really is something that I cant control at the moment. But with help, I’m sure I will eventually.
I can’t thank you enough for this.
I’m so glad it has helped to clarify things for you. You deserve better than this. Stay strong.
I’ve been this all.. Whenever I feel and let my boyfriend know im emotionally abusing him. he tells me that I’m doing it. he calls me a bitch, cunt, stupid and that I need help all because I tell him my friends mean everything to me. he doesn’t like it when I have friends, he hates it when I hang out with my mom and sister, I’m not allowed to talk to friends after midnight, and so much more. He always ask me all the time who I am talking to and when I go to work, or to the mall or to see my friends, he expects me no where I go to send him pictures. He always tells me what I can and cannot wear. He gets angry when I wear yoga pants because he thinks I want people to fuck me. calls me a thot and a whore. throihh out all issues we had he expects me to apologize and that I’m being a “stupid bitch” and he never apologized once. i remember before I used to talk to him about wanting a kid and getting married and he got pissed at me and told me I’m being crazy and ridiculous and that he doesn’t believe in marriage and never wants to marry me. he’s also never bought me flowers. i feel like I’m in an abusive relationship. I want to leave but i don’t know what to do.
Vannie, I am so sorry to hear your story. This is an abusive relationship and he is coercively controlling you. You need to get out as this abuse will only get worse and could one day lead to physical violence. Please don’t let him know you are wanting to leave and plan to do so safely. Get help and support to do this as it is hard to do it alone, especially as he will do everything in his power to convince you to go back to him. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d also read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self-help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
You are worth more than this and need as much support as you can get. I’m glad you are here.
My ex was a textbook example of abusive behaviour in a realtionship. He was jealous, possesive, manipulative, controlling and occasionally phisically violent, he had experienced abuse as a child. We eventually broke up because he couldn’t cope with my parent’s disapproval of him, luckily at the time I was living at home so he only had so much influence. He wanted to move in together though and isolate me from my family and friends. What concerns me is that I couldn’t see it at the time, I constantly forgave him for his actions and thought things would get better. I am currently in university and have been dating my current boyfriend for 2 years now. We live together with some other students. He is a lot different to my ex, which led me to assume that he couldnt possibly be abusive. He’s independant (or at least he doesnt mind being on his own) he doesnt need constant validation and doesn’t need me to tell him where I am or who I’m with all the time like my ex. He’s not controlling in that regard and generally we have our own interests and friends. I like him because he’s intelligent and passionate about things hes interested in. The only issue is that he’s prone to angry outbursts over (what I consider) petty things. If we have an argument for example he will critisise me instead of addressing the central point. He flips out for no reason at me, it’s mostly the tone he uses which is highly condescending that bothers me. I’ve heard him speak to his mother like this and apparently he has lost friends in the past due to his inability to control his anger / lash out at people verbally. He’s also not afraid to put me down in front of our friends which is something I could never justify doing to him. I’m at a loss at what to do as a number of people have pointed this out to me and have said that its unnacceptable, we have talked about it repeatedly but he always justifies it by saying hes sorry but that its just the way he is. I have a lot of patience but the hardest part of this is that now when he lashes out it doesnt upset or anger me, I just feel apathetic because I’m used to his behaviour. I love him a lot and really dont want to end the relationship but I dont see him changing any time soon. Im afraid other people are right and that our relationship isnt equal but I’m also afraid that I don’t have healthy boundaries and can’t see the underlying issues as a legitimate problem. Then again maybe arguments are normal in a relationship and I’m just victimising myself. I would like an unbiased opinion.
Dear Anon, I think you have answered your own question when you say 1) he is condescending towards you and his mother and that tone bothers you 2) He puts you down when you would never treat him disrespectfully 3) You are becoming numbed or desensitised to this negative behavior (which is what happens in abusive relationships) 4) You don’t see him changing – he won’t 4) Your boundaries are weak and 5) your relationship is unequal. I would ask you: does he bring out the best in you? Is this the best possible relationship for you, I mean really good enough for you? What if he never changes? Can you accept him and his behaviour for what it is now and not look back one day with regret? My advice would be to listen to your gut and what it is telling you. You have described what your instincts are saying to me if you read back at what you have written. They are there to protect you. The more you are exposed to emotional abuse and coercive control and become desensitised to it, the worse it will get. A strong sense of self-worth and esteem (which he is chipping away at) is crucial for strong boundaries. Strong boundaries protect you and communicate to others what is acceptable behavior to you and what is not. He will test these and if weak, will test again and again. Listen to your friends too as they care about you. I hope this helps.
If you argue with your partner and he keeps telling you he will hit you every time you argue with him does that mean he means it and will do it? He makes me feel so small sometimes. Just not sure if he means it and if its just angry him talking.
If he has t done so already he is already telegraphing to you this will happen. Please get help and support to get out of this relationship. The longer you are exposed to this manipulation the harder it will be. Please don’t wait for violence to happen. It will only get worse. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I live with all 12 of the signs everyday of my life for approx 20 yrs now. Unfortunately due to my health I am unable to work outside the home. I have left 3 times and returned every time because of lack of finance. He controls me with money and says I cannot survive without him. He is very frustrated with me as I will no longer bow and scrap to him and am told this can prove very danger. At present I’m planning my final departure from this relationship, along with my 3 dogs, I trust it will be for good, I’m 63 yrs young and still have a lot of life to live.
I actually hate this person with such deep deep heatred I didnt think was possible.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Please get help and support to plan a safe exit. They may also be able to guide you towards financial assistance. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I think the hardest part for me became the gaslighting. I knew something was wrong but he was really good at making me feel like I remembered it all wrong or I was exaggerating. I began to doubt my memory and believe I was overreacting. It took many years to realize what was happening. He either got careless or cocky and began to show his colors to others outside of our immediate family. His family looked the other way and our friends who saw it I think were so shocked they just tried to avoid us thus alienating me even more. Now, I am gone and his kids don’t speak to him as he is the same with them. These articles are a consistent reminder that I did the right thing. I still need that almost 3 years later.
Healing takes time and it’s good to be reminded at times to keep us on the right path. I’m glad you are free now.
My husband and I were married in 2006. Divorced in 2011 and somehow he sucked me back in and we got remarried in 2017. He always starts out like the perfect man. We have 2 daughters together. My husband checks off most of the 12 but not all of them. He is an alcoholic. He has a very short fuse. He’s only ever pushed me once and I fell into the wall and the picture on the wall fell off and hit me in the head. Both of our children saw this happen. He throws the past in my face. He always goes out. Always at a bar. While I’m home with the kids. When we remarried the kids and I moved over an hour from where we were living to live with him. Giving up all our friends. Since living with him I have maybe one friend here. If I do go out with her he’s always checking on me. Saying don’t drink to much. Or don’t accept drinks from strangers someone might drug you or stupid crap like that. Always wants to know when I’m going home. Etc. so it’s just easier to not go out.
I want to leave again. But I can’t afford a place on my own.
He is very narcissistic and throwing alcohol on that is a nightmare. I just don’t know what to do.
I would advise you to go to Al-anon for friends and families of alcoholics. I went for years and it changed my life.
I am in shock reading your experience. I am a women in her 40s, successful, professional, with two beautiful girls, in a relationship with a man who has now turned physically violent. He has stopped me from talking to most of my friends and if I do, it is hell for days. He has stopped me from working out with my personal trainer because he is a man. He has called me a bad step mom and various other things. I was just aimlessly browsing trying to make sense of what went wrong. I am in shock that so many of us go through the same. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope I can share mine publicly one day in the future. For now, I am trying to stay strong and get him out of the house. Thank you
I have an online program that may help you to do this:
Start with ME: Survivor to Staying Strong: How to get over a controlling or abusive relationship…. even when you still love them & feel the intense pull back to them. How to Stay Strong and not go back or into another abusive relationship! How to trust again and, dare I say it, start dating again! https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/start-with-me-survivor-to-staying-strong
I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/