7 Reasons why you should be dating a Beta male, not an Alpha Man.
I don’t know about you, but so many of the women I have known in my life all have one thing in common. They go for the bad boys, or at least they did do until they got the secret I discovered the hard way.
I was hooked on a bad boy when I was young. I would never have dreamed of dating a Beta male. My attraction to him was instantaneous and intense.
The connection I felt to him was such like I hadn’t felt before. He consumed me. I felt safe.
He was going to deliver this wonderful happy-ever-after he promised. After all, he told me I was the only one for him, unlike any girl who’d come before.
It was a whirlwind romance. But it descended into a terrifying, exciting rollercoaster. There were tumultuous fireworks, followed by chasms of hurt and pain. Round and round in a crazy cycle.
It scraped bottom with me almost losing my life, as he squeezed my throat and told me to die.
I stayed with him for some time, even after that. The effect he had on me I can’t describe. It was a like a magnet that pulled me back and I was powerless to stop its force.
I’d leave and stay strong, for a time. But then the pain of leaving him was so great, I craved that high he could give me once again.
‘I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again. I need you more than ever to help me change’ was all it took. I just wanted him to sweep me into his arms again and everything would be okay. But of course, it wasn’t.
I did find the courage to leave, but only after marrying him and having his baby. I thought that each of these acts would finally prove I was worthy of him and make the relationship work. I was wrong.
I learned the hard way that two people who are as insecure as each other will never fulfill each other’s needs. The relationship was doomed from the start.
You could describe me, I guess, as an Alpha female. The mirror to him in a way. But all that confidence and cockiness I had when I was young, belied the truth that I never felt good enough. Deep down he was the same as me. Our baggage matched.
But I could hide my insecurities behind this role I played. Rescuer. I could be the one to bring out the ‘real him’, patch up his hurt inside. It hid the fact it was me I needed to fix.
It took me years to understand I confused those fireworks with love.
That matching baggage feels familiar and comfortable. It felt right, like we just fit. But that didn’t mean it was a healthy match.
It took many more to see myself for who I was, a frightened child inside the body of an adult. It hurt to see her. But I finally knew what I had to do to heal.
Focus on her, learn to love myself and accept that I am good enough. I deserve better.
Then I met my Beta boy. Started dating a Beta male. I did it right this time, when I married him. It turns out he’s the most Alpha man I know.
I wish I’d known this secret about men when I was young, so now I want to spread the word.
[bctt tweet="Beta Boys are the Real Alpha Men" username="vivian_mcgrath"]
Falling in love with a Beta male is the way to go. Here’s why:
1. Beta boys are emotionally available.
Okay, before I get a barrage of arguments to the contrary, I’m not saying all Alpha men are bad boys. But the ones who are, are all bluff and no substance.
They’re great at faking an intense connection to hook you in. They say everything you want to hear and can sweep a girl off her feet.
But when it comes down to it, they talk the talk, but do they walk the walk?
They promise you the world, but do they deliver on that? No. Even so, so many of us keep hoping and waiting for it to come.
You may not get the massive fireworks at the start with a Beta boy. You might even dismiss them, at first, as boring.
But it’s deceptive. It’s a slower build. Mine kept simply showing up and being there for me. There was time spent getting to know each other. It scared me.
I was used to intensity, followed by an argument that came out of nowhere, only for Bad Boy to disappear. Feeling hurt, I’d be wondering what I had done, waiting and hoping for the rush of when he loved me again.
I tried to push Beta Boy away. Revealing the real me to him scared me. What if I repulsed him and ran away? It tapped into my greatest fear.
I feared abandonment, so I guess was trying to end it, before he ditched me. Then one day he said to me: ‘You know I’m not going anywhere don’t you?’
[bctt tweet=”Two words sum up Beta Males: Emotionally available.” username=”beingunbeatable”]
They are there for you. Fireworks, with dramatic break ups and intense reunions are not love. They’re just a smoke screen. To avoid intimacy and true trust. The necessary ingredients for a healthy relationship.
2. You can be vulnerable with them and trust them.
Without trust you can never reveal your true self to another person. If I showed vulnerability to my ex, he’d use it later to shame me.
That’s the definition of a healthy relationship to me now.
My beta husband knows me better than anyone else. He knows my flaws, all my weaknesses and fears. He has allowed me to be vulnerable, but has never used it as a weapon against me. The more we’ve revealed about ourselves, the deeper the connection we forged.
Beta boys are not afraid of emotion, nor of their own emotional side.
3. They don’t feel threatened.
Beta boys are secure in themselves. They don’t feel threatened and have no need for jealousy.
You don’t have to ask permission to spend time alone with your closest friends. Male or female.
Bad boys are the opposite. They isolate you. They want to control you. If another man even looks at you, you’re already having an affair.
Forget about ever mentioning male friends or colleagues. They even get jealous of your girlfriends! Girls’ nights out will not be worth it, for the interrogation you’ll get the next day.
The Beta Male personality
4. Quiet confidence is so much sexier than arrogance hiding insecurity.
Don’t be fooled into thinking Beta boys are boring. Yes, at first they might seem like the quiet puppy in the corner at the pound. Not the lively one jumping up and down, licking your face, yapping ‘pick me, pick me!’
If I ever get a dog now, I know which one I’d go for. The one in the corner, hands down. Not the troublemaker.
If you can pardon the expression, Beta boys are ‘grow-ers, not show-ers’.
My husband’s confidence might be of the quieter kind. But it’s underpinned by a strength I’d never seen in man before.
Beta boys don’t need to blast it out with a megaphone, as they’re sure of themselves. But when you need them, you’ll see what I mean. They’ll be there.
They’re emotionally available, so they don’t run at the first sign you need to lean on them.
They can be strong for you when you need then to be. They will lift you up and support you. Exactly when you need it the most, the time a bad boy would run a mile.
This is a man far sexier, trust me, than the one who always abandons you.
5. They’re nice to you, they respect you.
They celebrate your successes, without feeling threatened.
They’re proud of your achievements and encourage you to do what you love most.
If another person compliments you, they’ll agree! Aren’t they the lucky ones to have you?
6. They don’t need to control.
Beta boys don’t need a power struggle. Or to be in control.
One minute they can be strong for you, the next you can be for them. That’s okay. They don’t fear showing their weaker side.
If fact, if you try to control them, rescue them or change them, they’re more likely to walk away.
They allow you to be yourself. They love you unconditionally and expect to you to offer the same.
7. They make incredible fathers
If you want a great role model for a young boy, the Beta boys win by a mile.
My husband is step-father to my first born with my ex. We then went on to have a second son. He has taught both boys to grow into the kind of men I hoped they’d become.
But he did nothing other than being himself. That quiet confidence goes a long way.
Our boys have seen his strength, but learned it’s okay for a man to cry. They’ve seen him work hard to provide and support us. But celebrating my career as a working woman as well.
They’ve heard him speak to me with respect at all times. Even tell me I look beautiful, still after decades of marriage.
My boys do him proud now. They’re adults who reflect the best of him.
They treat all others as equal. They champion women’s rights and respect their partners.
They’re men who don’t run when the going gets tough, but are unafraid to show their vulnerable side.
They admit their mistakes, accept when they’re wrong. They learn from them.
One son is more Alpha than the other.
But, in a good way.
Dating a Beta Male
So, if you’re looking for love that lasts and doesn’t hurt, take it from me and give the bad boys a miss.
Get over the Alphas and their dramatic peacock displays and pyrotechnics. Grab yourself a Beta boy and give him a chance to show you what he’s got.
Whilst the Alpha gets lost in the fog of the fireworks and disappears, Beta will be the one to stick around. He’ll be the only man you’ll ever need.
I promise you, Beta is the new Alpha when it comes to men.
I’d love to hear what you think! Let me know in the comments below.
Vivian, this is so, so true!
After being married twice to “alpha” males, I have been so fortunate to meet someone who’s wonderful, kind and supportive as you have described. I am going to share this article with him.
I too tried to push him away as his kindness and vulnerability frightened me. I was so used to the crazy roller coaster relationship that I did not believe this could be real!
I am so fortunate that I have this incredibly strong, loving and kind soul in my life. I
I agree completely that beta is alpha and I hope that all women who have such a man truly appreciate him. I know I certainly do.
Thank you for this and all of your posts and videos. All have been such a great support.
I think you have your idea of an alpha male all wrong…
The man you dated and married was not an ‘Alpha’ he was an arrogant beta fuck.
A real alpha knows when he’s done wrong, Will accept that he is wrong and apoligize. He WILL change.
He is assertive, NOT agressive.
Treats you as an equal, is confident in his masculinity and identity and doesn’t feel the need to peacock and demonstrate it.
An Alpha male is calm, respectful, gentle, open to discussion and reasoning, willing to see things another way.
A beta male is insecure, and in being so feels the need to constantly demonstrate his power, through aggression, violence, verbal/physical/emotional abuse.
When something goes wrong a beta blames everyone else for his failings. A beta male is constantly competing to be top dog without actually understanding what being a true alpha actually means.
Betas belittle those around them to make themselves feel better. They lie, manipulate, And bully, And make terrible parents.
People usually fall into one of four categories when looking at Alpha or Beta.
There is the alpha-beta, he is the one that abuses and manipulates those around him, And blames everyone else for his failings. He is loud and in your face and has a constant need for recognition, And will throw everything he has ‘done and sacrificed for you ‘ at you the moment he doesn’t get his way.
Then there is the beta-beta. Meek, mild, quiet, no confidence, no drive, possibly low testosterone. Easily overlooked, introverted, probably a nice guy, But due to his feelings of inadequacy, has a pretty weak personality and persona.
Then there are the Alpha-Alphas. Strong, confident, assertive, calm, outgoing but not overbearing. Takes responsibility for his problems, works to better himself and those around him, doesn’t require the approval or adoration of others to feel content and complete.
Then there is the Alpha-beta. A beta male with the potential to grow into a full Alpha-alpha male. Is content with who he is, And is invested in growing himself and the others around him, supporting them to become the best they can be. They still aren’t quite sure of themselves, Strong assertive behaviour is a work in progress, But they are learning to take ownership of their lives and problems and work toward change.
Hi Kelly. Thanks for your thoughts on this. Interesting!
It is really interesting how many Alpha males have come to the defense of Alpha males in this post, not noticing the subtleties of your post recognizing that not all Alpha males fit the bill, that you are describing a certain group. And how in doing so, they fit themselves into that group, the one who is defensive, lacking self-awareness, and feeling ultimately insecure and angry. Hmm.
Haha! You may have a point there. I wondered too if some protesting hadn’t even read the post, just the title. Thanks for reading it.
Agreed. A real men takes responsibility for himself and those he cares about.
Thanks Simon. I agree with you. I did say right at the start that not all Alphas are like that and I am only referring to the ones who are in this post.
Thank you Marcos!
Thanks for your thoughts on this Andrew. I welcome everyone’s perspective and input.
Perhaps you didn’t read this the whole way through to where I say my husband is in fact the most Alpha, strongest man I’ve ever known. I have enormous respect for him, he has taught me so much. I have learnt what the real meaning of unconditional love is, not only as I get this from him but as I love him unconditionally as well. We are about to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary and are the strongest we’ve ever been. He’s my best friend, my lover, the person I love spending most of my time hanging out with as he makes me laugh more than anyone. If that’s the comfy option you describe, then aren’t I the lucky one?
This post is spot on with my experience. I recently left a sexually, emotional and mentally abusive relationship with self defined Alfa. Your ex also sounds more like someone who was a Narcissist, which is my personal experience.
I am totally giving the Beta a shot now. I don’t want to be left here and there, confused and taken advantage of. I want someone that will be there. The description of a beta is what I’ve always wanted.
I always thought of myself as more of an female Alfa, so I wondered if this would be a better match for me.
The thing about these labels is they’re wrong. Beta men can be the most Alpha men of all. My husband is the strongest guy I know, I just needed to see beneath his less extroverted exterior. So, I say, give those guys a chance. It’s also a generalisation, as there can be Beta men who are abusive too – covert narcissists. So no matter who you meet, watch not what they say, but what they do. Their actions are the most important thing to read, as narcissists can tell you anything they think you want to hear.
Maybe you should give women a go.
Now there’s a point!
Lol, ok, I don’t know about omegas, zetas, or all of the other bizarre categories, except for three:
1) Alpha
2) Beta
3) Nice Guys
Alphas- are confident and can overcome objectives. They are realistic dragon slayers with the skills and ability to prove it, modest or not. Have low jealousy due to available options for the supply in demand. They don’t waste mental energy worrying about their mate cheating; due to the fact that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and Alphas know it.
Betas- second placers, unless it’s the fight game, like MMA or Boxing, lol, but mostly the frustrated beta guy you were with first. He was frustrated because he could not figure out why he’s not an Alpha, so he choked you.
Nice guy- the one who waits around for the Alpha Beta left overs . He’s always there when you need him or not, like a creepy stalker, unless your a woman, then he’s like the girlfriends shoulder you cry on.
You all need to get involved into contact sports or competitive sports to really understand the concept of the hierarchy. The way you describe your husband and situation sounds like you are in need of a girlfriend.
Thanks for your perspective.
lol. most females don’t know how to tell the difference between an alpha male and a beta which is why they fall for the fakers. The alpha male will not spend his time trying to impress anyone because in his mind that is pointless he has better things to do. Canies will instinctively identify a human alpha male so observe how a man treats a dog and their interaction and you will know if he is a true alpha male of a faker.
That’s an interesting way to tell the difference. Dogs read humans brilliantly.
The author of this article mistakes bad boys for alpha males. Not the same.
Thanks for your thoughts on this.
Alpha male (social, or genetic or Christian Grey – both)
The Alpha is a man women will sleep with, without any other expectations.
The Beta male is a man women will sleep for a while to get her hands on the stuff he is offfering to make up for the fact he’s not alpha. Commitment is what the Beta offers – and resources. He knows the Alpha need not part with either.
Betas get into covert deals with women for sex: You give me love/sex/intimacy, I’ll give you a commitment. But this “deal” is biolgoically repulsive to women, so they eventually divorce their beta male providers. In truth, it’s covert prostition “stuff for sex” whatever that stuff is, commitment, subservience, resources…
Beta males need to accept their lot in life and either be the best beta they can be (and hope for the best) or just walk away and let the Alphas and the women who pine for them enjoy their frustrating trists.
Once you marry a beta male, you’re an easier target for a feisty alpha male who thinks he is above him and will abuse you and frame him for it. Beta males cannot fight back. It’s easy for them to lose women to feisty men who are abusive.
Not with my man. He’s the strongest man I know.